[Nerissa]

Damn, I wish I could express myself like you.

Me too. What an honest and useful conversation with D. 

[xyzcf]

Had to share this with you Offroad. I just returned from Moab and had the wonderful experience of taking a Jeep tour through Canyonlands and thought of you several times as I was hanging on for dear life...what a trip! I admire you that you got involved in such a sport...loved it!!!!

Personally, I could not see myself actually driving the vehicle 

[OffRoad]

Thank you all for your kind words. It didn't seem to affect D and my relationship in the slightest. Probably because she knows I have said my piece and that will be that.

Thank you XYZCF. That sounds like so much fun, I am so envious! I haven't been to the canyonlands in years, and then I didn't have a real 4wd. I want so much to go and see all that, but I need to find at least one sidekick with another vehicle. Utah is so beautiful in many ways, but I suppose I can find the beauty in most anything. I'm still working on Kansas, though. 

Journaling a quick note. Getting ready to go visit D in a few weeks. I'll be puttering around by myself during the week, but on weekends we have a Renaissance Faire and The Three Sisters Art Sanctuary and escape rooms and the butterfly conservatory and covered bridges and corn mazes and cemeteries and whatever else I can cram in and limp through.

Odd things happening still. I no longer crave any kind of junk food. It's the weirdest thing. In fact, food is kind of a pain in the tush. I just cleaned out my email inbox that I haven't been able to touch for years. Jettisoned junk email that was obviously junk email and I'm wondering why I couldn't bring myself to let it go previously. Free cycling out the fridge in the garage I no longer need and the kiln I no longer use. And it's easy. There's no "What if I want to do this later?" Nope. Don't need it. I keep chucking more and more things, though I still keep the crafts I want to get back to. But I don't need Christmas yarn. I haven't used Christmas yarn in 20 years. Why did I still have it?

And I answered my own question by accident. I kept some things and didn't use them because if I used them I wouldn't have them anymore. And at this time in my life, that answer just seems so darned silly. If I burn the candle I won't have it any more. If I crochet something out of the yarn I won't have it anymore. If I wear those shoes, I'll wear them out and won't have them anymore. But you know, I gave my family every thing I had, and I don't actually have them any more, either. I don't NOT have my kids, but children are kind of on loan. It was my job to raise them to be responsible decent human beings. Done. But letting things go opens up possibilities for new things to come in.

I mean, does anyone really NEED 4 pairs of identical earth shoe flip flops in different colors? When I normally just wear black anyway? And I don't have a BLACK pair? Or 25 baby soaps from various and sundry hotels? (I'm keeping the Madonna Inn one). Or 17 types of allergy medicine when I don't have allergies? (XH did) Or plastic cutting boards I always hated, but XH wanted. (I got myself a beautiful wood cutting board and I can slice things like I haven't done in over 20 years). Throw away three things, replace with the one item I really want. I want. Me. What I want without any compromises.

Life is so exciting. I need new light fixtures.

[terra]

OffRoad, your posts always inspire and comfort me, with your clarity, positive approach, and strength. And adventurousness! I hold back from saying my adventures here because it feels like telling would identify me absolutely immediately. For whatever reason, I am still scared to do that, to share my favorite specifics about me, and so I deeply admire your courage and openness.

Your “ME” and “I want” development really resonates with me today. So I am really just stopping in to say I LOVE your beautiful wood cutting board. I mean I can actually see it and feel it. That is a gorgeous new aspect of your beautiful life, and I am so glad you gave that to you.

I have looked around at my life these past few days and just feel satisfied. It’s fine. I’m fine. I have enough; I have good relationships; I have a life that I like.

I didn’t think it would be like this, ever, or that I would be alone. But what I’ll say about it is that in the course of everything, I like who I am, and it’s so good for me to see that others are like this too. And although I’m not an off-roader, I hope our paths cross someday. Because hey: you’re surviving, and you are doing it with such grace and strength and even contentment.

Thank you for being one of the ones who show that this is possible and can be done.

[OffRoad]

Hi Terra. I was so glad to see you post your own adventure on your thread. That was very cool!

I have to tell about the Jet blue Mint experience. This is Jet blue's first/business class. I decided to treat myself on my trip to visit D. The plane is arranged with two sets, then one centered behind the two, then two behind the one. I was in 2A
The seat reclined, it leaned back, it made into a bed! I had a 15 inch TV.  (My whole family watched a 15 inch TV together when I was growing up).. I had a space a foot wide and 3.5 feet long as a shelf to my left. I had three charging stations. I had a water bottle holder, with full bottle of water to my right. With a reading light over it.  I had a personal cubbie tha held  my sunglasses, tablet, purse, bottle of Coke (Pepsi product airline), chain Maille rings and pliers for crafting, and I only filled a quarter of it. I had a tray, and a place for my drink cup, and when I stood up, I wasn't leaning against anyone else's seat.  I stepped into my "suite" and got the lay of the land.  Sitting in my seat was a comforter and a "Hopper" bag filled with a toothbrush and toothpaste, eyes covers, a polishing cloth, socks,  a pen,  and a few other sundries I didn't need, but we're nice.

I was offered a pre flight drink  (I chose non alcoholic ), learned how to adjust everything, picked out my movies for the flight (I keep SD cards with movies on my tablet- my choices were Bring it On and Avatar for this flight) and settled in.  My dinner consisted of a mini burger, mac n cheese and a chef's salad,  along with a roll, ice cream and some fresh fruit. (I got what was called "plane eats" because I really don't like all the trendy mushroom and sprouts food ) it was delicious. I reclined my seat. Then I started to try flat like a bed, but discovered there is a place where I was laying at an almost flat slant and I loved it. I didn't want to leave! I could work on my computer, create chain maille, watch TV,  do the hokey pokey  (though I had to duck to hokey pokey). I'm looking forward to the trip back.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

I'm glad you're enjoying your flight. I don't hear people say that very often. Enjoy your trip!

[OffRoad]

I've been meaning to write about my trip to visit D, but I'm not there yet. It was good, but sobering. That's for another post.

Today I am sitting in my garage. This was the scary garage where you could find almost anything needed, except maybe a place to park the car. I had been convinced that the cause for this mess was me.

It wasn't. Don't get me wrong, fully one third is my stained glass shop, but that was agreed to when we moved in (3 car garage, the one car section for the glass shop and sellable item storage). I found an extra dvd player (never opened) and my old foodsaver. There are also my 6 flip top boxes of desk decorations  Totally me. But the rest? Holiday decorations. Past tax records (ok, 1994 should really go). Bicycles. Camel packs. Camping gear. Nuts and bolts. Tools. Xh's wood projects and wood scraps (we're talking boxes and baskets of 4x4 inch or smaller odd shaped scraps). Pvc pipe for sprinklers (unfinished project). Pex pipe for water pipe repairs (unfinished project)  Wallboard to patch the hole xh left in D closet (still a giant pizza box covering that hole, btw). Paint. Snowsleds and boards. Surfboards.

Wait. Where is the stuff that was my fault? On two 12 inch by 6 ft shelves, in boxes, neatly organized and labeled. WTH?  How did I get the blame for every thing else that was joint or his and all over the place with no organization? How did I ACCEPT the blame for that? For YEARS?

I don't even know how I feel about this.

[Treasur]

Hmmm...sounds like a metaphor for the mess in our spouses heads...nope, was never about you, caused by you etc. The difference with a garage is you CAN clear it out of rubbish lol....and I susoect the majority of LBS were the adults who cleared stuff while MLC spouses skipped off to their new magic happy right?

What kinds of stained glass projects do you make?

[OffRoad]

I've been cleaning out everyone's else quality belongings for 3+ years now. I'm beginning to wonder if it will ever end. Getting very close to clearing enough space for the new garage doors. Except those danged surfboards are in the way.....figures. Just two more cases of glass (about 500 lbs each) and a cutting table ( holding about 600 lbs of glass and built to last the apocalypse) and I'm done. Then I can start on the inside.

Treasur, I've been making stained glass (art glass, I don't do much actual staining) for about 38 years now. I started with a mirror to match the stained glass inserts in my mother's player piano after which I swore I would never work with glass again. It turns out I was making impossible cuts and sometimes having difficulty because of it. But then my grandmothers each wanted a small window, so I made each one and I was hooked. The next project was a 3-d carousel with eight horses that were geared to go up and down when I turned the crank that made the carousel turn around. It was engineering genius built on a phonograph turntable. It needs some repairs, but I still have it. Then I started a business and made Kaleidoscopes, boxes, dragon and faerie suncatchers, candle holders, and small windows for 17 years, selling to shops all over the country and merchanting at Renaissance Faires and some SCA events on weekends. D had been selling with me at Renn Faires since she was 5 weeks old. (I guess I was insane, I drove 5 hours to Las Vegas alone with a five week old, and slung around 80 lb boxes whiles setting up a booth with a baby in a basket next to me. I picked up XH at the airport later that night because  he couldn't take the day off....).  I also made the occasional consignment of a large window or specialty kaleidoscope when the opportunity arose. Some of my creations will likely be passed down from generation to generation. My favorite piece I also still own. It is a 3d replica of Captain Hook's galley from Disneyland of old. Looks close to this:


The ship is in a glass case and it's about 20" X 10" by 18" tall. I made rigging out of wire, slumped the glass for the boat in my kiln, made cannons out of brass tubing and solder, bird's nests out of upside down lamp washers. I used to have a place to store pictures online, but I don't recall where that is. I may have to find someplace to upload some pictures.

And then I took a run at some fused glass, but after the kids were born, I let that slide. I got a job in membership accounting at Kaiser, when they moved to a different platform I volunteered for testing it out, discovered I was doing Software QA, moved along to testing an AutoCAD clone (I got to draw pictures all day, break software and THEY PAID ME!!!), and just kept moving onward and upward until we decided we didn't want other people raising our kids. He made more so I quit, but my company liked me so much they offered to top his salary to get me back, so then he stayed home with the kids. We switched back a year later, I still made stained glass in the evenings and boxed it up to sell at two or three faires a year.

Which is why I believe life is opportunities we take or we miss. I hadn't worked full time in 15 years when XH left, yet I was able to go find myself a job in my area of expertise (no, not stained glass  ) at a wage where I could support myself and S then 15 and get D the rest of the way through college. I think my belief in me is justified.

[OffRoad]

Journaling.
The trip to visit D was great. We leaf peeped, went to a renaissance faire, saw cranberry bogs and Ocean Spray, went to a couple of escape rooms, visited an Art Sanctuary which inspired me, and I slept. A lot! D worked for four of the days, and we chatted and watched tv when she got home. She said it was so comfortable with me there, and I felt completely at home.

Shopping was a challenge. I could be half a block from Home Depot and not see it, the trees are so thick! But it was gorgeous. Still, not for me. I've found I like my interstates and esay freeway access. Nothing easy about getting around there.

I'm not sure if I'll be going back to visit her again. Navigating airports is getting more difficult. This was not what I was expecting at this age, and I'm not giving up, but it's definitely frustrating.

I about destroyed my legs cleaning up the garage to get the new doors. The third car section is my glass room. There was near to 4000 lbs of glass to move around in the glass room, and space was limited,  so it was unload a case, move it, reload the case. Then it turned out the door estimator said clear 6 feet back, but the installer says 10 feet back and I had to say, "look in this section. There isn't 10 feet here. I wouldn't have purchased the doors if anyone said 10 feet".  I got him 8 feet in the main garage, but I watched him, he did not NEED 10 feet, but I can see how it would be nice to have more room. Such a difference in attitude from the guys who took down the playset. But I now have new Garage doors. I think I'll sit in the garage and open and close my doors all weekend.