[MyBrainIsBroken]

Thank you dearheart. You're very kind.

I wasn't sure about writing this but I've decided it's applicable so I'm going to go ahead.

I didn't realize until a few years ago that anything had been missing. I thought my childhood had been normal. I didn't think it was unusual that nobody ever hugged or kissed me or told me that they loved me. I thought it was normal to be screamed at or spanked when you were bad. And I was pretty sure that other kids had it worse. I knew a kid who was a year or two younger than me. My family was visiting his when he was maybe 8 or 10. He did something bad and his dad pulled his pants down in front of everyone and spanked him. I'm pretty sure that never happened to me. We always got our spankings in private, I think, but I guess I don't really remember everything. Who knows? I know there was something about having to go out back and get a branch off the plum tree but I can't remember what that was all about.

My point is, I don't think kids know they're growing up in a broken home or a dysfunctional home if that's all they know. They don't know any different. Or maybe I was just a dumb kid cause I didn't think there was anything unusual about my childhood. I guess I must have been a dumb adult too because it's taken me a long time to figure out my childhood wasn't normal. Or was it? Maybe it was normal. How do you know what normal is? How do you know what broken is?

Sorry. I hope that makes sense. Sometimes I get kind of confused.

[OffRoad]

I was pretty sure your childhood would not be what I considered "normal", MBIB. ( not that mine was either) But I agree as children we often don't know any better.

The answer to the question depends on if a definition is wanted, or opinions. In my opinion, a broken home is where the children suffer due to circumstances beyond their control and within the control of one or both parents. This doesn't mean a single parent is at fault if the home is a broken one. Sometimes whoever is left is just the person who picks up the pieces, and repairs as best they can.

What I don't want is for my children to become broken because they have been convinced this is what "normal " people do.

[Milly]

I consider a one parent family, where there are two parents but one of them no longer wants to remain in the original family, to be a broken home even if the single parent manages to make that home a good place. I think for children their parents splitting up is a horror, the nightmare they hoped wouldn't be their family. I do believe they will always have scars from this.

However, once the family is split up, I think one good parent can make a very safe home for the children. I agree with what Anjae wrote, home being a good safe place for the kids, where they know they can ask questions, where although the left behind parent will not be creating a fake innocent image of the parent who left, the kids know that their father (in my case) is still loved.

Kids like predictability, it makes them feel safe. I believe that in spite of a broken home, it is a good lesson for the kids if the left behind parent can go on an create a cosy home where there is laughter and kindness and nurturing. They are watching us, and how we react to everything will probably have a huge effect on how they absorb what has happened to their family.

[Mortesbride]

I haven't read everyone's response because well... I already know my feelings on this.

I believe some of us talked a little about this in Tuscany and here was my opinion.

A ''broken'' or ''dysfunctional'' home comes from the attitude of the main care giver. I will use an example to illustrate what I mean.

If there is a family and the father is in the military, and he goes off to war....the father has left...but the mother has a different attitude. They face time daddy, they write him lovely letters, she tells her children how he is a hero....  they count the days down until daddy comes home. Though they miss their father, their father is a hero...and they all can't wait for daddy. The mother's attitude about the situation influences how secure and loved the children feel.

If there is a family and the father cheats and lies and leaves.....the father has left...but the mother is devastated. She can not call or text him, and if she does it may be full of anger and rage (and rightfully so)....but this leaks over. She starts to tell the children why she cries...she has nothing nice to say about their dad. The children miss their father, and feel abandoned...just like the mother...

Technically these are both homes where the father has left, but the environment surrounding the leaving is completely different. The attitude of the mother, and how she handles the situation...forms how the children view their situation.

I do not mean for this to be gender specific. The same applies in reverse. Just an example to try and explain how it doesn't matter the number of people in the home, it matters about the emotion in the environment.

[Thunder]

Good examples Mort!   

[OffRoad]

Morte, the comparisons are not accurate. How would you write this if both times the father has been deployed but the mother has either the attitude of Dad is a hero, or the converse of Dad is never around when we need him.  Same with an MLCer:angry and upset vs oh no problem.

While I agree attitude matters, children also grow up to see if the attitude fits the situation. You can't pretend Dad was a hero if he ended up not being one. When the kids find out they no longer trust. A can do attitude with age appropriate honestly is better than a positive attitude full of lies, imo. But I acknowledge I could be wrong. It's definitely what I always want and have wanted since being a child. If all your parent gives you are rainbows and unicorns, how can you learn to weather life's downside? It's a balancing act

As another thought, if an abusive parent leaves, so that there no longer is suffering, by definition it's a broken home,  but at that point, maybe it's no longer a broken home, if you see what I am saying.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

As another thought, if an abusive parent leaves, so that there no longer is suffering, by definition it's a broken home,  but at that point, maybe it's no longer a broken home, if you see what I am saying.

It's still a broken home. It might even be worse because the child has not only lost the parent who left but also lost is the hope the parent might ever stop being abusive and start loving them. 40 years later you end up with someone who is living with an alienator who is a lot like the abusive parent was while trying to get the alienator to show them the love they never got from the abusive parent.

[Thunder]

I guess to me it matters what age they are.  Is it really bad to have young kids think their dad/mom is a hero?
Am I missing something?

I personally feel all soldiers, who serve our country, are heroes, but that's just me.   

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Thanks Thunder. It's nice to know that somebody thinks I'm a hero.

I wish the training I received to be a parent had been as good and thorough as the training I received to be an airman.

[Mortesbride]

Morte, the comparisons are not accurate. How would you write this if both times the father has been deployed but the mother has either the attitude of Dad is a hero, or the converse of Dad is never around when we need him.  Same with an MLCer:angry and upset vs oh no problem.

While I agree attitude matters, children also grow up to see if the attitude fits the situation. You can't pretend Dad was a hero if he ended up not being one. When the kids find out they no longer trust. A can do attitude with age appropriate honestly is better than a positive attitude full of lies, imo. But I acknowledge I could be wrong. It's definitely what I always want and have wanted since being a child. If all your parent gives you are rainbows and unicorns, how can you learn to weather life's downside? It's a balancing act

As another thought, if an abusive parent leaves, so that there no longer is suffering, by definition it's a broken home,  but at that point, maybe it's no longer a broken home, if you see what I am saying.

I think you may have missed my point entirely. I am by no means suggesting we treat MLCers like a hero...certainly not.

The same would apply if the solider dad leaves and the mother moans about it the whole time...how she has to deal with the kids alone, how he is never around.

The illustration was just to show...that what matters is the feelings and emotion in the home. Is there a feeling of happiness and safety? Or is there a feeling of loss, abandonment, bitterness or rage?