[nah]

Stuck to me is refusing to move forward and away from the crisis.   To look for every tiny excuse to have some sort of contact or connection.   To stay attached, with the erroneous belief that given enough time,  the MLC'er will hit rock bottom and magically regain his/her sanity and see the wrong they've done and come crawling for forgiveness.   Now that's a fairytale.

Your description, BB, is describing refusal to let go. Is that the same as “stuck”?

“Stuck” to me is more of a description of a timeline.

But what is a reasonable timeline?

Not the same subject but I always found the “dating calculation” reasonable.
1/2 (your age) + 7

Can we do a similar calculation with healing from heartbreak? I tried looking it up and it was all over the place. I think there are just too many factors, not only the length of the relationship but also the type of relationship (before and after breakup), other relationship connections, personality types, underlying issues, etc.

Are any of us completely healed or are we all always a work in progress?  I feel like I’ll always be a work in progress, yet generally happy most of time. When I have a bad day, am I “stuck”?

Personally, I feel a person is stuck if each year goes by and there’s no progress.

As we all know, healing is not linear BUT, if years have gone by and you still as BB wrote “refuse to move forward”, or haven’t changed one belief about how to live with the situation, I believe you are stuck.

Now, I’m not saying you have to drop that MLC or whatever is real or not, I just believe there is a time to let go and live, not obsess, no future tripping, no wallowing, just living your own life.

[Acorn]

So many thoughtful and honest posts...

All the posts defining what ‘stuck’ means to him/her personally added a deeper layer to the discussion, in my view.   

I dare suggest that the focus of most answers on this thread has been on how LBS has been, and is, processing his/her experience, rather than obsessively speculating or delving into what, where, why of MLCer. 

Personally, I feel a person is stuck if each year goes by and there’s no progress.

As we all know, healing is not linear BUT, if years have gone by and you still as BB wrote “refuse to move forward”, or haven’t changed one belief about how to live with the situation, I believe you are stuck.

Now, I’m not saying you have to drop that MLC or whatever is real or not, I just believe there is a time to let go and live, not obsess, no future tripping, no wallowing, just living your own life.

Well said, Nah.  You have expressed my definition of ‘stuck’. 

[RedStar]

the erroneous belief that given enough time,  the MLC'er will hit rock bottom and magically regain his/her sanity and see the wrong they've done and come crawling for forgiveness.   Now that's a fairytale.

This sounds like "MLCers never wake up or return. Ever." Which is clearly not true. The only part that I see here that might be a fairy tale is HOW they act when they return. They usually do not crawl. Yet, some do.

I don't understand why some posters seem to declare repeatedly that we're all delusional about MLCers ever returning, when we have numerous historical accounts as well as *currently active* posters with returned MLCers. Maybe it's just seriously unclear writing on the part of the naysayers?

And, whenever someone says that SOME return, some patronizing poster will swoop in to admonish us that we shouldn't take that as saying all will. Guess what: WE KNOW THAT ALREADY, okay? No need to belabor it. 

My point is that I (and, I'm sure, most of us!) prefer ACCURACY. And regarding returns, neither ALL nor NONE is accurate.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

I don't understand why some posters seem to declare repeatedly that we're all delusional about MLCers ever returning, when we have numerous historical accounts as well as *currently active* posters with returned MLCers. Maybe it's just seriously unclear writing on the part of the naysayers?

And, whenever someone says that SOME return, some patronizing poster will swoop in to admonish us that we shouldn't take that as saying all will. Guess what: WE KNOW THAT ALREADY, okay? No need to belabor it. 

They're just trying to protect us.

I'm willing to take my chances. I don't think I need to be protected.

[beyondblessed]

If I were to declare anyone here delusional,  trust me, I'd just come right out and say it.  My definition of stuck is exactly what I wrote.  MY definition.   I speak for no one but myself. How anyone chooses to interpret it...well that's all them.

[strawberry]

I have found that if I focus too much on MLC, which does include spending significant amount of time on this forum that I become mentally stuck.  I stop looking forward and at all that is before me and my head spins back into the despair of everything MLC related.  It’s part of why I now come and go here and don’t update my own thread that often. 

I really want to help the newbies that show up here and stay up to date on all the threads.  Some of you seem to have developed great friendships that way.  But I’ve found that 1) I can’t keep all the stories straight and 2) it results in me spending hours a day here if I try to.  So I follow 2 or 3 stories closely, 5 or 6 loosely, and try to limit my time here to no more than a few hours a week. 

I also try to limit how much time I spend monkey braining about what my husband is doing or means when he says whatever he’s saying that day.  When I focus on me, I feel strong and optimistic. When I focus on MLC and the MLCer, I feel depression settle over me.

[Penelope2018]

I think it does. You keep making excuses for them and their terrible behavior and wishfully thinking all will go back to how it was at some point. I've been blaming MLC for over two years now and it hasn't served me any good. It makes you vulnerable and open to abuse. My ex still has the audacity to try to use me after being divorced for slightly over two years now. No, I think it's better to see these people for what they are: abusive, unstable, manipulative and plainly just garbage. It's fine to believe that this is a crisis but everything they do, they do of their own free will. So when they hurt, use, manipulate or belittle you, it's because they want to. Personally, I think I'm better off with the assumption that I just married a bad guy. He was never really good to begin with. Yeah, he had some personality traits that I liked but the ones I didn't have been amplified x one million in this "crisis." That mindset definitely serves me better and tells me to move on and don't look back.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

It isn't surprising that you're ready to move on after putting up with this type of abuse from him for 15 years. I'm surprised you stayed with him for this long.

[nah]

Why is it surprising?

Isn’t that what LBSers do?

We forgive, we have empathy for them, even if that empathy leads to our own destruction.

Maybe he has FOO issues, maybe he’s in a decade’s long fog and he doesn’t understand what he’s doing, maybe he’s so weak that he allows people to manipulate him into hurting others, etc.

Holding on to those thoughts, day in and day out, I believe is exactly what this thread is about.

Good for you, Penelope, for finding your strength and getting off the train.

[beyondblessed]

  No, I think it's better to see these people for what they are: abusive, unstable, manipulative and plainly just garbage. It's fine to believe that this is a crisis but everything they do, they do of their own free will. So when they hurt, use, manipulate or belittle you, it's because they want to.

Amen....let it go, move on, and go live YOUR amazing life.  Beautiful things are waiting on the other side of your fears.