[Acorn]

The answer for myself is, yes. 
It was necessary for me to ditch the MLC angle in order to be able to heal and march forward.

How about you?

[Hmmm]

Definitely. Six years of feeling sorry for him and making it easier for the kids’ sake. Kept me from detaching big style xxx

[RedStar]

For me, I don't think so. I kind of look at things both ways at the same time? Yet I find the lens very, very useful.

My MLCer has started to reach out in ways he had not before and is showing moments of clarity. It all fits the lens. I can see at least a few ways I could have reacted/responded unproductively if I didn't have that viewpoint and LBS training.

It could be that the lens is most helpful earlier on and becomes less so as MLC merges into just "real" life? I'm not even 2 years in.

And also, we all heal differently and at different times with different tools. The MLC lens has allowed me to let go of what was necessary to let go of so that I (and he) could heal as well as focus on the work I need to do to have a good future relationship no matter who it is with.

[beyondblessed]

The MLC angle gave me the hope I thought I needed in the very beginning, but it didn't last long and wasn't enough to keep me remotely "hanging on" after I learned of all the lies, deceit and betrayal.  Nothing in this world can justify those things to me.  After the trust was decimated,  MLC or not had no bearing.

[Thunder]

I'd would have to say no too.

My MLCer was quite different.  He was not a Monster, nor was he abusive, or cheating on me, he was just adamant he wanted a divorce, out of the blue.  He was emotionally gone and I was confused and shocked.

I knew nothing about MLC before this happened, so I felt he just must have fell out of love with me for some reason.

Joining this site was a God sent for me.  It explained what was happening to him.  He was in a crisis.  It was not about me or our marriage.  So, for me..and only me, it helped to look at it through the MLC lens to understand it and also to let go of trying to fix him.  I realized I couldn't, because I didn't break him.
I stopped dwelling on it.

But I imagine it is very different for each of us.

Good discussion question, Acorn.   

[Acorn]

 
I stopped dwelling on it.

I think this is the crux of the matter.
After I learned more than enough about MLC, I kept dwelling on it! 
Well, I am a slow learner...

[Treasur]

Such a useful question.
Helped me see that there was nothing I could do. Helped me understand some of the 'logic' behind some of the behaviour enough to unhook from it and change my expectations.
Absolutely helped me feel validated that I was not insane, alone or irretrievably broken.

Didn't help if it led to mindreading 'he says x but might mean y' or predicting the process or outcomes.

[Not Applicable]

I think it is more useful for understanding the behavior than dealing with it.

I would say that one has to be careful if following the MLC advice is for the benefit of the MLCer or oneself. Paving the way means putting something down for them to walk on, so does being a doormat. There's a thin line between no expectations, and turning a blind eye to bad behavior.

For me when thinking about following the MLC advice causes me a lot of mental distress and makes me feel muffled, I don't follow it. Yeah, it might piss off my H sometimes, he might run away and hide from me for a few days, but sometimes we just have to express ourselves and be ourselves and let the chips fall where they may. It may have zero effect on their behavior but at least I get what I wanted off my chest.

I guess you have to reach a point where you are detached enough that you trust your own judgment and are ready to accept the consequences if it turns out your judgment is faulty, and not just blindly follow the MLC guidebook.

I also think following MLC advice for years on end is like pretzeling oneself into an unnatural position. At some point you just need to be yourself and if it doesn't suit the MLCer so be it. Otherwise, you are just coddling them and waiting for them to grow up. You need to be the adult you are and act like they are an adult even if they aren't.

[3Boys4Me]

Acorn, in regards to MLC, I am a slow learner too!  It’s been 2.5 years since Bd for me and I think I have been “waiting” more than healing. In so many ways learning about MLC has helped me make some sense out of the unimaginable.

However, I still ruminate. I read the forum every. Single. Day. My H is on my mind every single day. Most nights I dream about him (I actually believe I am doing a lot of productive work in my dreams - so I am ok seeing H in them, we actually get on very well in my dreams!)

It is time for me to put MLC on the shelf and really focus on me and my healing, self care FOR ME, not so I am ready for my H to return, but for me specifically...this is new progress and I attribute the shift to learning so much from many generous and kind people on HS.

[terra]

It keeps me stuck. But when I remove the MLC lens, the world suggests h is a narcissist, cheater, user, addict, and psychopath.

I have to tell you, all those concepts scare the he11 out of me. Each of those alternate explanations is just nightmarish and unworkable, and puts the blame squarely on me for choosing or selecting or receiving a person like that to love. With those explanations, the world tells me I am damaged and broken because of my own life history or epigenetics or what have you, and that I will never, ever get it right in loving — unless I pay through the nose for this or that coaching program, a long track of this or that therapy, or upwards of $55K and time out of work to go sort it out in a rehab/recovery in-patient program, with assorted meds or ongoing 12-step and always working the program.

I’ve spent literally over $100K in therapy over the years. Did that work? It sure cost a lot. The one definitive output is that for the money and time and effort, I could have instead either bought a house or earned a clinical Psy. D. in psychology. Ultimately I know myself very well, do not own a house, am alone and in tremendous debt, and have “graduated” both from clinical trainings and several therapies. I continue with supporting clinical trainings as my budget and interest allows, and I counsel when asked to counsel in my areas of experience/training/expertise, for the love of it and others, and not ever for money.

But I have definitely graduated from the DSM, and will not ever tolerate anyone suggesting I am whatever label for what I have been subjected to in life, all the things that were and are beyond any choice or control. That’s why I recoil and rebut when anyone leans toward calling the midlife behaviors any formal diagnostic label. The DSM to me is just the antithesis of the Bible, anymore, and not helpful in explaining what goes on. As time continues, watch the labels and diagnostic criteria change. Some of the current common diagnoses, we’ll find that people grow out of them. Bet.

I finally resorted to a women’s Bible study this summer, the same month I started writing here. Inexpensive, communal, in-person care and support in real time and living voice. Ultimately it’s been bigger and deeper and more healing than any other support I’ve sought aside from the support we all read and give each other here. And the Christian focus is not on midlife anything; the group has all ages, both of attendees and of marriages. It’s not simple, and yet it is: our spouses are making choices and actions that harm us. So how do we attend our marriages, in that case? And why might this be happening?

It’s weird to shift from the MLC lens to another that shows this is simply a human crisis. I asked the first night about Standing, and none of the ladies had any idea what I was even talking about. And yet it is exactly what every one of them is doing.

When I thought to name this board as a resource, I realized it didn’t even connect with how these women saw their stories. And that it was wrong guidance, if I said to any particular woman, your h is of the age where this might be an MLC thing. I saw that a) her h was none of my business, and b) I didn’t and don’t actually know, and can’t, whether any one person or spouse is having MLC. The only one thing I know for certain about any person at all in a situation like this is whether they are suffering. And of course they are.

So I have my antennae always up and like a honeybee, scout and collect a lot of information from now literally thousands of sources. Some of it is always right, and some of it changes or withers or goes inert. To date the one source that gives me respite continually is Source itself, and for that, no language or contemporary container is needed. At bottom I just know h is going through *something*. I don’t know what it is and it still hurts me and scares me even now. And he will either come out of it, and come home to me to repair and to stay, or he won’t.

So I guess in that respect, I do remove the MLC lens a lot. We all could, here, and this community would still be the best for all the stories and sharing and clarity. The primary messages still being yes, your loved spouse is going through *something*, are you and the kids ok, here are some things that may help you, and no, you are not alone. And also potentially and very often, no, this change in your spouse is not your fault.

Great question and discussion, thank you for starting this inquiry.