[Standing Strong]

I think it's so easy to not think about what we have gained and instead focus on what we are lacking (I'm guilty of this sometimes).
But at the same time, I'm very thankful for MLC (no I'm not crazy), so much gained, so much growth, and so much more to learn.
I realize that I wouldn't have grown as a person or valued many things which were important but I was too busy to be bothered. No more.

What has been your greatest accomplishment, area of growth, or lesson that has affected your life forever?

Let's make it really interesting and eliminate the "easy" responses:
"I've learned to not rely on anyone for my happiness"
"I found myself"
"I've learned to not put up with this crap" (LOL!!!!)
All LBS's learn and accomplish these things during the process.


For me the greatest benefit and accomplishment has been to get up off my azz, and get to work. So much put off, so many dreams put on the shelf.... waiting....waiting.... waiting for what??? I don't know, but I know now that I'm in a race against myself. I had felt like this in the past but somehow had lost it. It's back, and I'm thrilled..... I'm ALIVE. From this, life is worth living, is exciting, and I've learned that I have all the time in the world. Not because I'm going to live forever, but because I have all the time that I have. So much can be done with one day, and I have lots of days still to come. When all this started, my thoughts were "OMG, I'm 42 and W is going to be in this for 2, 3, 5, 7 years.... and maybe I'm going to lose her altogether...... what a waste of time!!!! I've thrown away my 20's my 30's and I'll be at least halfway thru my 40's before anything ever STARTS to improve. Did I choose badly??
The answer (and this is the real miracle to me) is that NO..... it wasn't a waste...... today is not a waste unless you make it one. All the previous days brought you to today: Are you a good person?
No matter what someone else is doing, they haven't driven you into the ditch, they are the ones in it..... you just keep looking because they're laying on the horn. We all have our ditches, and we have to pull ourselves out of it, there's no Triple A for life. If we have to pull ourselves out of the ditch, so do they. That's life. We learn, we grow, or we don't. That's on each of us.
It's ok to love them, it's ok to be concerned for them, it's ok to hope they will get out of the cab and crawl out of that ditch, it's even ok to yell encouragement at them.... but while they're there life goes on.... so make it a good one. There is no guilt, no shame, no embarrassment for standing, for loving, for hoping..... but there is no excuse for stagnation. 

That's my light-bulb over the head accomplishment during LBS/MLC, and it's something I HAD to learn. Maturity. I had to know that the race is on.... that there's things to be done, and no one will do it except me. There's no moping about..... no pining for lost years.... I spent the years that I spent, and I love W. If I knew then what I know now, I'd do it all over again. No regrets. Without adversity, challenge and pain there would be no growth. I'll take my pain, take those lashes, take those chains: and then I'll grit my teeth, break those chains, grab that whip and show life who's boss. Come here life... I've got something for you......

-SS

[AlvinTheMaker]

Great topic, Standing.

Living, right now, right here, in present moment, being grateful of it. That's the goal

Re my greatest accomplishment so far...  Improving relationship with kids... no doubt about it.... If I loved them all before, this experience has made it 'over the top'.  I have learned to become grateful even for the shortest periods of times  spend together. 

Alvin

[Treasur]

This is s genuinely difficult question for me, Standing.
To the point when I found myself muttering darkly well, try it at 56 or if you never see your w again, Mister....which is unlike me so obviously something about the question hit a chord so it is probably a good one.

All the normal survival LBS blah, sure.
But do I see any of that as a real benefit or accomplishment in my life bc I was an LBS?
Did I need those things in my normal life? Are they worth what happened? Are there things I didn't have at all before or things I had to fire up that already existed in me? Or are they are kind of making the best of a bad job? I am honestly not sure.
And even was what I had in my life and relationship worth what I survived? Not entirely sure of that now either, although I would have said yes probably until the last year or so bc I valued it.

The best I can come up with that is substantially different and that feels like a genuine benefit to me is the deepening of my personal faith. Is that enough to be worth the last few years? Maybe. Not even sure of that tbh. But the price I paid for it was huge. Jmo.

[Not Applicable]

To the point when I found myself muttering darkly well, try it at 56 or if you never see your w again, Mister....which is unlike me so obviously something about the question hit a chord so it is probably a good one.

Or if as one of my other LBS friends put it, whose spouse never fully left, every single day in the past 7 years was worse than any previous bad day they ever had in their life.

Seeing a benefit or accomplishment in your spouse's MLC is like dancing on a grave, even if you feel there are benefits or accomplishments.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Darn! I can never find an emoji that depicts dancing on a grave when I want one.

Try it at 60, muttering darkly.

Actually SS, I think your post was great and your topic is a great one.

My greatest accomplishment has been creating a deep and personal connection with my daughters and grandchildren. Before BD I was connected to them through my wife. Now our connection is deeper and direct.

I also learned that I am capable of feeling much more compassion for another person than I ever would have imagined, I've learned a great deal about who I am and how I became this person, and I overcame my lifelong fear of death.

[Finding Joy]

I have learned my value and my worth.  Also, I have learned to live in the day and let go.

I would not chose my husband again if I knew he would abandon his family.  Not in a million.  My kids are hurting and our family is shattered.  I do However stand by my vows and chose love and forgiveness.  I do trust God, even if I do not trust my h.

I do not in any way believe that this situation will bring more good than harm.  The harm is extensive, but there has been good.

[3Boys4Me]

Like many others I have yet to experience the “better” side of MLC. I was a strong, competent woman. Outgoing, awesome family and friendships, loved life. I had an executive level job, but my favorite “job” was wife and mother and everyone knew it. I had/have a lovely home and we were able to provide our children with lots of benefits that truly blessed our lives, blessings I know many families are unable to provide. But none of the “things” we could provide financially held a candle to the love we had as a family unit. H and I often talked about how lucky we were and how family was everything.

So personally, I am still mired in grief. Sorrow. I believe sometimes we are asked, spiritually called really, to give up what is most important to “stand in the gap” for another. I am often angry that this MLC and the loss of my marriage, H and family unit is my “cross to bear.”, but if I can support even one family by demonstrating resilience and love, despite the circumstances, that makes them pause from making serious mistakes in their own lives, then I will consider my standing in the gap to be successful.

I have yet to improve as a person, I have much mirror work to do, I believe it comes as detachment and healing comes - that said, I believe I am a better mom today then I was 2.5 years ago, I am less selfish, and more faithful in my spiritual journey - however, I am not as good of a listener to my family and friends, and I have less capacity for “service.” I am still struggling to put my oxygen mask on. This time next year, I hope to be able to provide a much better response, but it’s a lovely question and thanks for asking.

[Finding Joy]

3boys-Interesting that you bring up less capacity for service.  My kids and I regularly volunteered before this at a pregnancy center, and a food and clothing distribution center.  I volunteered at church and typically ran a Ministry.  We gave much more financially as well.

Now, just keeping up with my life and kids is enough.  Also, we have less money to give to charity.  My husband’s sin has definitely caused great harm and now instead of us being the strong family that helps others, we have needed people to lean on.

[Mortesbride]

Why is it the only answer that comes to mind when I read this question is:

I was able to control my crazy side and not drag OW by her hair over the counter of their work, before rearranging her teeth for her... the day I found out?


I am only joking....


...Kind of...


But in all seriousness I suppose this ridiculous, self absorbed, betrayal layered cake...has really only taught me that I have more internal strength than I realised, and even in all the pain and mess...the only one who can hold me back is me.

And on a darker more realistic note....no matter how much you invest and put into someone else they can always leave...without so much as a good reason why. So stop investing more in other people than you do in yourself.

[Schratz66]

It has taught me that I should never love another person more than myself

It made me get active and do outdoorsy stuff which I didn't realize that I love so much

It brought me to my knees and humbly admitting to God that I cannot do this on my own and ask for his help

I am still working on these though....

Quit wallowing and start living as if he wasn't coming back...this whole thing called hope keeps holding me back