[Thunder]

Marvin,

RCR's articles do say to detach, let them go, protect yourself financially and do your mirror work, let them do their own inner work.
We can not fix these MLCer's, only they can do that.....so no trying to fix.

Stay clear of having relationship talks (which was the best advice I ever got) and take good care of yourself.

That's just the tip of the iceberg with what all the articles offer.

I think most of us would say, it saved our sanity.
No RCR is not wrong.

Now did I follow all the advice, nope.  Some did not fit my situation, but most helped tremendously.
Plus all the kind people who mentored and supported me.

[AlvinTheMaker]

I like to think what Byron Katie has written: what we think or see of others, is actually a reflection of ourselves. I am oftentimes so sorry for the pain and hurt some LBS serm to carry, but it is their choice, and maybe it is required part of their healing process (the same way falling down with anxiety was for me). There is room for all sorts approaches here IMHO.

And yes, I share most of the values of RCR. Not because of my partner, but because of myself.

Alvin

[nah]

Marvin,

RCR's articles do say to detach, let them go, protect yourself financially and do your mirror work, let them do their own inner work.
We can not fix these MLCer's, only they can do that.....so no trying to fix.

Stay clear of having relationship talks (which was the best advice I ever got) and take good care of yourself.

That's just the tip of the iceberg with what all the articles offer.

I think most of us would say, it saved our sanity.
No RCR is not wrong.

Now did I follow all the advice, nope.  Some did not fit my situation, but most helped tremendously.
Plus all the kind people who mentored and supported me.

So to paraphrase... focus on yourself.

I would be interested in MBIB’s response to Marvin’s question.

[Helpingme!]

I think we all would agree the best way to heal is to focus on ourself  , and our kids, if we have them. We won't heal until we can let our MLCer go and any other MLCer we are searching for that mimics our MLCer. Either way, we have to let them go.
I think it's just hard for some to reach this point. It takes longer for some. Just as the MLCer has to hut rock bottom, so do we.
I agree with RCR, do I take everything she says as gospel??? No I don't. We all are different and lord knows our MLCers are different. There can't be a one size fits all approach to healing.
It's ok to give a 2x4. It's just a different way to give it.
You could smack me over the head with it, but some cant.take a soft tap. Does that mean I'm doing it right?? They are wrong?? Hell no.
When someone gives advice or their opinion, we don't need to assume they are talking about us. Or take it personally. If the shoe fits, wear it. If not , just keep working.

[Nas]

I don't get the premise of this discussion, perhaps someone can help me.  It seems to imply that there are a lot of people on this forum who discount all of the advice in the articles and blogs.

In fact, what I see are many, many people who are sharing the same advice found in many of RCR's writings: detach. take your eyes off the MLCer and focus on yourself. GAL. protect your finances. look inward/do mirror work. don't stage watch. don't mind read.

In all of the differing advice I've seen on this forum in my years here, I only remember one clearly back in my early days who believed MLC is not real and that all MLCers are simply completely terrible people.
When did saying "take your eyes off the MLCer" suddenly become the equivalent of being anti-standing, anti-HS, anti-empathetic? 

When I first came here, I was told over and over to stop monkey braining over everything H did or said.  Heck, I swore up and down for almost A YEAR there was NO OW and was repeatedly warned there probably was one.  Nope, I remember clearly telling dear Medusa, not my H, no way, I'd know it, there's no OW. (spoiler alert: there was an OW all along.)

Did I feel personally attacked every time someone suggested there was probably an OW, or that I should focus on living like he was never coming back, and did I tell them they were mean and negative when they refused to indulge my posts about "H said this, what does it mean?" and instead told me to stop monkey braining and do something for myself?  No.  I grew and learned to stop obsessing over "H said this, what does it mean?"

And I'm so glad I did.  I don't know how I'd be able to handle still watching him, still wondering about every word, every social media post, still letting his every action or inaction affect me.  It would have destroyed me by now.

I honestly don't know where I'd be without all the people who taught me about gaslighting and blame shifting and codependency, who told me to stop monkey braining and to GAL, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.  I never saw them as trolls.  I never saw them as beating up on me.  I never heard their words as "blah blah blah" (even though in the beginning, they had to repeat themselves quite a few times until I got it).  I didn't want to hear it, but I am so grateful that they kept saying what I didn't want to hear.  They weren't trying to knock me down; they were trying to help me build myself up.  I very quickly realized that even though I didn't want to hear what they were saying, they were supporters who were trying to guide me towards healing.

I don't understand anymore.  I don't understand how trying to guide an LBS towards healing is being seen as detrimental.
(And yes, sometimes people get very frustrated and don't say things "gently."  2x4s, sometimes extremely blunt 4x4s sometimes given.  That's always been the case.)

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Marvin,

Of course you can ask a question. You always ask good questions and post thoughtful comments.

Do you see a difference between some of the posts that react to any MLCer content and those who try to help LBSes (specially newbies) to take their focus off the MLCer and to focus on themselves?

I have seen comments posted about the stages that LBSes go through. I think most of us first came here searching for answers and the articles describing MLC are what attracted us. Some LBSes quickly accept and detach and start focusing on themselves. Some of us take longer.

RCR wrote a lot of articles about MLC and how to cope with an MLCer. She also wrote a lot of articles about focusing on ourselves. IMO they're all important but it takes time to reach the point where we're ready to focus on ourselves.

I think it's ok for somebody to suggest to a newcomer that they focus on themselves. That's something that a member can do even if they aren't a stander, but I think it's important to remember that this is a lot like dealing with grief and everyone goes through the stages in their own way and in their own time. So yes, it's ok to suggest to somebody that they focus on themselves but no, it's not ok to insist that somebody focus on themselves. We should be advisers, not directors. IMO.

I think some current forum members with the best intentions become frustrated with newcomers who seem too focused on the MLCer but I can't find anything in RCR's articles that would justify pushing newcomers to refocus before they're ready. 

Honestly, when I first came here I was very confused by the advice to focus on myself. I was being told that my wife's MLC was not my fault, that I didn't cause it, that it would have happened no matter who she had been married to, and then I was told to focus on myself. But it took me a while to understand why I should focus on me if I wasn't the reason for my wife's crisis.

Maybe it would be a good idea to refer newcomers to these articles and let them decide when they're ready:

Who Are You?
https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_who-are-you.html

Why Should I Work on Myself?
https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_who-are-you_why-should-i-work-on-myself.html

[Helpingme!]

NAS
I think all agree or will one day, if they heal and move on. But you and I took that advice and ran with it.
Some can't. Until they are ready??? We can't help or fix them.
Same as you I remember and said Many times, not my Wife. Yep I was wrong.
We are all on same page NAS.  We just have different opinions on how to get it across.

[Thunder]

Nas I agree with you, but that's not saying RCR's advice was wrong, it's just people who didn't or couldn't listen.

I believe most people here give good advice, but you can't make the horse drink.
That's on them.

[Nas]

We are all on same page NAS.  We just have different opinions on how to get it across.

I agree, and I don't think different opinions are a bad thing at all. 

Nas I agree with you, but that's not saying RCR's advice was wrong, it's just people who didn't or couldn't listen.

I believe most people here give good advice, but you can't make the horse drink.
That's on them.

I didn't say RCR's advice was wrong - is that how you read my post?

[Thunder]

No not at all, Nas.

I think we feel the same way.  But MB question was do you think RCR is wrong?