[Treasur]

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/stand_how-do-you-stand.html

A couple of recent thread discussions have caused me to muse on this. If there are factors that make it easier to Stand - if you choose to do so - while also taking good care of yourself and your family?

I'll say upfront that I am no longer a Stander and I have no opinion on whether anyone else is/does. But I do care about how much damage an LBS takes at the service of what they understand Standing to require. And how complicated it is to balance the line between Standing and Acceptance. In a funny way temperamentally I am inclined to Standing and my faith beliefs support it. And yet I reached a point where - and I speak only for me - the emotions and thoughts entangled with how I framed Standing were causing me too much damage. So it became psychologically unsustainable for me. I had to change some of my beliefs - in my case I decided that love also meant letting go as my then h had asked, that I was in some way disrespecting his free will if I didn't and that tbh the hope of his restoration to someone recognisable to me was a wound that needed to scar over. And I probably stopped believing that my 'real' h still existed behind some kind of 'fog' although I could be wrong of course, it just worked better for me if I thought of my h as dead. And of course his pretty speedy remarriage is an unchangeable practical reality that he is now someone else's h.  I have no contact with my remarried xh, seek none and have no expectation of that changing. Yet strangely I probably live like a Stander...I am not dating and I would not marry again. Messy right?

So I am not looking for insight or advice for myself. In my situation, the Standing ship has sailed lol.

But I do find myself wondering if there are some very practical factors which may be in the hands of how an LBS builds their post-BD life that make it more sustainable to Stand? For instance, is it easier to Stand if you can get to a point of financial independence quicker? Or if you move more quickly to limited contact to reduce the opportunities for reactive conflict? Or if you GAL like a GAL fiend so you find other things to fill the emotional void? Idk the answers but I wondered if it was worth inviting the Standers to share their thoughts? Perhaps to rebalance what some feel is an attitude shift in the forum. Perhaps for Standers who are past the horrors of the first couple of years to share their perspective for newer LBS trying to figure out what Standing might look like for them.

So, dear Stander friends, what made Standing more sustainable to do over the long term? Or less sustainable?

[Couragedearheart]

Treasur,

I can only speak for the short term.....so far. There is nothing easy about this. Though I truly doubt divorce and healing from that properly would be much easier.

For me the initial thought is that so much of my own internal junk and wrong ways of thinking have been triggered and it all needs healing.....why add extra paperwork on top of that right now. I can process and work through my crap, while H flails away in the shallow end of the pool and waits for AP to ride in on a white horse and save him.

Once I’m somewhere closer to healed or healing I’ll be better able to tackle the idea of wether or not I want in or out, or if it ought to be saved (the marriage) in the first place.  But for now I have a bit of work to do....and it’s currently more financially feasible to do it together than apart at the moment.

I do really find comfort in standing being a day by day decision...

[trusting]

For me, a large part of it was my faith, both religious and my faith in who my husband was.  I think by praying for him and working to forgive, I was able to keep from hating him for the pain he caused.  As for faith in who he was, the MLC him was so incredibly different from the "normal" him, the one I COULD trust and had a heart of gold.  Thankfully, I see that man again. 

I have always had a lot of contact with my MLCer so was able to get a firsthand view.  I could see when he was just out of control and when he was going through a depressive phase.  Maybe that helped me maintain my belief that he was in MLC and not just someone who walked away.  And maybe that contact made it easier to stand than it would have been for a vanisher.  I don't know. 

But it truly became easier the more detached I got.  I was able to focus on me and the kids and my career rather than worrying about what he was doing or not doing.  That enabled me to kind of just put him on a shelf and leave him there for the time being.

All that being said, I have always felt that I would stand until it didn't seem right anymore.  That hasn't yet changed, so here I am. 

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Good topic Treasur. I hope it helps you find the answers you're looking for. And I hope it helps you to decide to continue helping others by posting your thoughts here on the forum.

I probably qualify now as a long term stander. It's been 5.5 years since BD and I'm still standing.

The first thing I want to say is that I have no opinion on whether anyone else should stand or not stand. That's a personal decision that everyone has to make for themselves. And I wouldn't fault anyone for choosing not to stand. As it states in the article that Treasur linked to, MLC takes an incredibly long time and it has no guaranteed outcome. Knowing that, you would have to have a pretty good reason or reasons for standing. Or you would have to be in denial.

In order to stand for this long I had to decide why I was standing. The truth is that I'm an incredibly selfish person. I'm not standing for my wife or my marriage or my family. I'm standing for me. I'm standing because I need to know that I did everything possible to restore my marriage and my family. I like what Courage and Trusting wrote about standing being a day to day decision that continues until it doesn't seem right any more. It's possible that I might decide tomorrow that I've done everything I can do and it's time to stop standing. I doubt it but it could happen.

There are some things that have made it easier to stand for so long.

If I were younger and more attractive to the opposite sex or wealthier and more attractive to the opposite sex it might be more difficult to stand for so long.

If, when BD struck, I didn't have 36 years invested in our relationship, our life together, and our family then it might be more difficult to stand for so long.

If I didn't believe so strongly that my wife violating the oath should spoke doesn't justify me violating the oath that I spoke, then it might be more difficult to stand for so long.

If my wife hadn't stood by me and supported me for 6 years during the late 80s and early 90s when I had unrecognized PTSD, was emotionally distant, was having panic attacks and nightmares, and was depressed and was even briefly hospitalized for depression, then it might be more difficult to stand for so long.

The last three are the most critical IMO.

If I didn't completely believe that my wife is going through a crisis that she didn't ask for, didn't cause, doesn't understand, and has no control over; a crisis that has temporarily changed her into someone who is nothing like the woman I was married to; a crisis that has resulted in her doing things the woman I was married to would never have done, then I'm sure it would be more difficult to stand for so long.

If I hadn't experienced for myself what my wife is currently going through, then I'm sure it would be more difficult to stand for so long.

If I could figure out how to stop loving her, then I'm sure it would be more difficult to stand for so long.

[Father5]

    I am currently standing, my red line is the divorce. I have to say when she initially filed I was somewhat relieved that this was coming to close. I was also sad and heartbroken all at the same time. My wifes OM lives 1500 miles away, that certainly helped me. I have thought about what would happen if I saw her out with someone else. Would I fight would I turn and walkaway ? I really don't know.

  We just had our first conversation in over a year about a month ago. It's been more contact since then. She has started coming to the door to pick up the kids instead of texting  she's here. This part has really sent me Monkey Braining alot lately.

 Yesterday she said she is cutting a trip short by a few days with the kids. She asked if I would like the kids on New years Eve and day. I started to let my emtoions get the best of me for a few minutes. As my thinkng was who will she be with. Where is the party she wants to go to etc etc. I just replied nicely that I can take them. This is big for me as I am trying to move forward. I am still angry and resentful of all that has happened. I am trying harder everyday to grow stronger.

  I am a GAL junky, I have started to play tennis and do yoga. I surf and spend the rest of my time with the kids. I have made new friends and haven't focused on my wife to much. Though I would say that it was probably more of a way to block it out and knot deal with it. That is probably why I am havinbg a hard time at the moment. That and it's the holidays and our anneverssary is next week.

  I stand for me now as I can see that I have so much inner work to do on myself that I am no good to anyone else at the moment. That could change anyday but right now I am a stander. All my friends think I am insane, I meet girls that want to ask me out all the time. I just say I am still married and am not dating at the moment.

   I do feel like half a man at times, as I am waiting on a woman that doesn't want me, that has cheated on me and hasn't ever appologized or explained herself. This crisis SUCKS !

[CallingHeart]

Met 2006
Married 2009
BD 2015
Civilly divorced 2016
Today:   Standing.

Reasoning:  I believe standing is the right thing to do for me, for God, and for the spiritual facet of our little family.  He’s gone (vanisher) and I accept that.  I speculate his leaving is what was right for him.
I also forgive him ~ and that too, like standing, is a daily task. 

I don’t expect a return and I really don’t need one to continue loving him and standing for my marriage. I have a great life and I no longer lament being abandoned by him. I live my life fully today without waiting for anything or expecting an outcome.
I’ve surrendered (waving white flag).

[Disillusioned]

    I am currently standing, my red line is the divorce. I have to say when she initially filed I was somewhat relieved that this was coming to close. I was also sad and heartbroken all at the same time. My wifes OM lives 1500 miles away, that certainly helped me. I have thought about what would happen if I saw her out with someone else. Would I fight would I turn and walkaway ? I really don't know.

  We just had our first conversation in over a year about a month ago. It's been more contact since then. She has started coming to the door to pick up the kids instead of texting  she's here. This part has really sent me Monkey Braining alot lately.

 Yesterday she said she is cutting a trip short by a few days with the kids. She asked if I would like the kids on New years Eve and day. I started to let my emtoions get the best of me for a few minutes. As my thinkng was who will she be with. Where is the party she wants to go to etc etc. I just replied nicely that I can take them. This is big for me as I am trying to move forward. I am still angry and resentful of all that has happened. I am trying harder everyday to grow stronger.

  I am a GAL junky, I have started to play tennis and do yoga. I surf and spend the rest of my time with the kids. I have made new friends and haven't focused on my wife to much. Though I would say that it was probably more of a way to block it out and knot deal with it. That is probably why I am havinbg a hard time at the moment. That and it's the holidays and our anneverssary is next week.

  I stand for me now as I can see that I have so much inner work to do on myself that I am no good to anyone else at the moment. That could change anyday but right now I am a stander. All my friends think I am insane, I meet girls that want to ask me out all the time. I just say I am still married and am not dating at the moment.

   I do feel like half a man at times, as I am waiting on a woman that doesn't want me, that has cheated on me and hasn't ever appologized or explained herself. This crisis SUCKS !

Father, I am right there with you.  Every bit of it.  Although, I'm not getting asked out by women.  LOL  I AM wearing my wedding ring though, and I'm not going anywhere except church without my D9, so that's my excuse!  hang in there, my man.  You're doing well.

[3Boys4Me]

Wow. Great question Treasur, you’re making me thinky.

Lots of people have already replied very thoughtfully. I’m excited to read along.

[Shining Star]

I would have stood forever - I still believe that we were an exceptional couple and this is all wrong.  However, the divorce is final.  He has showed zero interest in me, and I haven't even seen him in two years.  So my standing has changed to anger and self survival.  That said, each LBS must figure out what feels right and follow their heart.

[Shockandawe]

Treasur your question got me thinking,

I’m a stander because I have work to do on myself. I am currently going through a very emotional time with my step fathers terminal lung cancer and it really does put into perspective the whole MLC process.

I know I am not anywhere near fixed but I am willing to do the work required even though it’s painful to look deep inside at the stuff I have avoided for years.
This stand is more about me than my h. I know I cannot do a single thing for him but I can do everything for me.

I stand also because of my marriage to a wonderful man and the vows I took. He may have discarded me and those vows, I have not. It’s standing but never standing still. I am gaining strength and peace and understanding and healing. My relationship with God is something I cherish and I have many things to be grateful for. I truly trust in the process and I use this time for me. I know it sounds selfish but it’s not. I am learning to both accept and let go. I have trust in God and know this is right for me.

God bless you all