[Finding Joy]

That is tough to say because apparently my husband never communicated when he disagreed or wanted to do things a different way.  The deployment is what changed the relationship from good to bad.  He stopped letting me in no matter how hard I tried.  In time that created larger and larger issues, but technically his MLC probably started when he broke in Afghanistan.  He also has ptsd.

[Seahorse]

My H also told me that he has PTSD, and that was what was going on when he started into the tunnel...

[megogirl]

Interesting, sea...

But can anyone actually self-diagnose PTSD?  Might he just believe that he has that?

[Seahorse]

He had decided to go to an IC because he wasn't sleeping, on his phone all the time, stomach pains, not interacting with family.  Suspected PTSD and he said his IC agreed. 
IDK if it was just depression/MLC or if it was truly PTSD.
He wouldn't share with me after that point.

I only thought it was odd because his deployment had ended over 10 years prior.
IDK that much if you can have PTSD occur that late, but I didn't question because I had no say...

Sea

[Finding Joy]

Aww Sea!  I guess were in it together!  Mego, mine is not self diagnosed either.

[megogirl]

Sea

I think PTSD can last indefinitely. 

Also - the IT is capable of diagnosing stuff.  Mine diagnosed bipolar (or at least told my doc, and she actually “diagnosed” it.)

[OffRoad]

“Is my fractured marriage a fallout of MLC, or, was it a catalyst that helped launch MLC in my spouse?

I asked this all the time. My conclusion is that the fracture was caused in the pre BD wind up, the part where he checked out and didn't tell me. I even told him, "I feel like I'm in this marriage alone, and no matter what I do, it isn't right. What is it you need from me?" And he gas lighted me and said he was totally engaged in the marriage and there was nothing I could do better.

Was he lying? Maybe. He later told me he was lying and that he really had checked out. But was that due to MLC ? Or did he just check out and forget to tell me because he didn't want to be married to me? Who can know since he continually lied and changed his stories.

The question I like to work with is "Had I known he had checked out all those years prior to BD, would I have been the one to walk away?  Why or why not?" And knowing what the behavior looks like (now), would I ever tolerate it again? 

[Seahorse]

Off Road -
That's a good way to look at it --  I think we've all learned so much and are probably much less tolerant of the behaviors we might have once tolerated.

I was thinking about Acorn's question in bed this morning...

“Is my fractured marriage a fallout of MLC, or, was it a catalyst that helped launch MLC in my spouse?

Does it really matter?...
Just one more thing to worry about??
Because --  if we've done the work, on ourselves, then that would help make our future relationships stronger, either way.
Maybe looking at the cause/effect only allows us focus on the wrong things (our H and/our marriage)?
As it's been said before - it's not about the MLC or our H - it's about how we take this opportunity to grow and change...
It takes two in a marriage, and if those two are not working together, regardless of the reason, it can't be a healthy relationship.

Does that make sense?

Sea

[megogirl]

I was diagnosed with PTSD by my therapist. 

There are a host of things that may have caused it, although BD certainly didn’t help (?!)

[Not Applicable]

Does it really matter?...
Just one more thing to worry about??
Because --  if we've done the work, on ourselves, then that would help make our future relationships stronger, either way.

If we weren't the cause of the MLC, then why should we have to "do the work on ourselves"?

Am I the only one that sees the "work on yourself" mantra as one that encourages people to blame themselves and find fault with oneself? I see "working on yourself" as just one more thing to worry about that isn't necessarily valid.

As I understood Acorn's original post, she is concerned about people who are making decisions about their future based on the assumption their spouses are the cause of the marital breakdown, when they may actually be the cause themselves. In that case, if someone is standing expecting their spouse to come back, they may be wasting their time.