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Author Topic: Discussion What did you keep, what did you leave behind when you moved?

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Okey,   I have seriously started preparing "my stuff" for upcoming move and step one of divorce (aka. 6-18 month trial divorce).  I've got 3+ months to go through every corner of the house, and pick and pack what I am going to take along me to my rental flat.

I do have a feeling that lot of you have struggled with the same question... what do I keep, what do I leave behind when entering this new life stage?

Today I've spent three hours working my way through MBR, and it seems I am interested taking way less than half of the stuff I would be entitled.  Or maybe the key phrase would be I'm more interested of quality  and usefulness instead of quantity or value.   For example there's something like thirty tablecloths (yikes), but I'm genuinely interested of eight of them (roughly 26%)... .  I do understand that stuff I'm not interested does have some (likely low) monetary value if dumped to yard sale or similar. But part of me tells it really is not worth the hassle.  What did you do?

Another area I've been struggling is R memorabilia.  For example when I went through boxes I discovered receipts of our engagement and wedding rings.  And the boarding passess of the first student party we went together.  And the paper that made her love my zodiac. And rental papers of our first flat. And...  All are bringing tons of warm feelings and memories, so I'm keeping them at least for now.   But there is also so much that no longer does not feel to carry the same value as it once might have, and I'm balancing between shall I leave them with MLCr, take them with me, or just bin them.  I know I don't have to decide anything now, but I also would not like "excess" stuff when the move turns into reality.

So how did you approach the flow of stuff that had accumulated in 20+ shared years when you moved on?   Did you just leave it behind (my gut tells me to do so), or did you do something else with it ?

Alvin.
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Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."... D filed May 2020
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** You're not going to master the rest of your life in one day. So relax. Master the present day. Then just keep doing that every day. ***
*** Without trust fear is the only possibility. Place your trust in your own wings. ***

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This is a very hard thing to do.  I will speak from the other side. The side that was left with 20 years of mostly everything, my MLCER having only actually taken MY Aeron chair, MY cast iron frying pans, MY pancake turner/spatula, a bunch of random food and sundries and his car. I had to bag up or force out everything else that was his and get my chair and frying pans back (they belonged to one grandmother each, so I wasn't giving them up-I traded them for HIS two frying pans). Most of what we owned I had purchased before we got married and in the case of the couch and loveseat, recovered (I only buy quality because I expect it to last my lifetime). I was still willing to let him have half, but he really didn't want to take much of anything. I still have all the swords.

Make sure you get: Any shot records, birth certificates, passports, important papers. Yours and your children's (even if only a copy of theirs)
Any insurance papers, wills, trust papers, bank account information, retirement information. Imagine there was a fire, other than your family, what would you take? Take that. (I keep mine all in one box)
Any family pictures or copies of pictures that you would like to keep (I have good memories that are real, no matter what my MLCer says)
Any mementos, like gifts your children have given you.
Your half/portion of whatever favorite or sentimental cooking utensils you have (some things don't matter, others do--I had a set of Revere ware pans that were mine and given to me by a grandmother. The other pans didn't matter)
Check wall hangings and photos, make sure you get your half of anything favorite or sentimental.
Tools. You will need your half of the tools at some point.
Spare keys to a car or house or shed, if you need them.
Anything that is specifically yours (hobby supplies, computer, flashdrives, tablets, etc)
If you have a yard, make sure there is nothing there you want. My mother had two matching concrete lions I loved that got sold because I didn't look in her yard until too late.
If you aren't sure, and are afraid she will toss something, box it, date it and label it and take it to your new place. Stacking boxes in the closet for a temporary time isn't terrible as long as you come back to it and decide if you still want it.
Don't assume she wants something. If you want it, ask for it. If you decide to let her have it, ask her to please let you know if she decides she doesn't want it anymore.

As I went through the house, I found that paper items could be scanned and tossed. I only wanted one comforter out of the three that were left. I had no use for any of his clothes he left behind. I got rid of brewing supplies, books I didn't want, canned food I never liked, sheets of wood that were too thin, chairs that didn't fit me, video tapes, a very broken down wood playset, scraps of things I didn't even know what they were . You will likely be leaving many things behind you do not care about. But don't leave it behind assuming it will just stay there. It might not.

What I got new for me:
A bed
Sheets in my favorite colors
A reclining chair for the family room
A massage chair (I so love that thing)
Set up a craft room

There is still much more for me to remove. I put some of it out every week with a FREE sign, for those who have less than I do. The monetary value isn't always worth as much as the appreciation from someone who needs the item.

Take what will make you content. Leave what feels right. Help remove anything neither need or want. If it all works out and you get back together, cleaner is just fine. JMO.
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My only advice was that I found what I 'valued' emotionally changed with time. A few things I did not keep as OR said that I wish I had, often quite small things. Some things that didn't carry the same weight a couple of years later that I could then happily give away or bin. So it's ok to box some things, keep them and review later imho. Not all decisions have to be made right now.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

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Thanks OffRoad, and treasur

You make many good points.

Yes, I've been photographing papers. Birth certificates I did last night, as well as pregnancy/maternity related hospital paperwork. As W gave birth to our kids, I feel they are more "her property". But I still want copies of them (might order a photobook of them, one for myself and one for each kid)....And baby cards. I did take only those that were from my side of family. The rest I just spreaded out to table and took a photo... and even took pictures of few mothers day cards I helped kids to do....I'm feeling (and likely looking) as very sentimental fool. But these items and their memories matter a lot to me.

Health record are a work in progress.....And most of the official papers of kids (bank account, insurance, phones etc) are in my name. But they need to be reworked one way or another over upcoming months.

Photos...I'm taking all apart of W's personal photos with me. W and I both know that if I leave the physical photos to her, she never gets the copies done. For me it will take some month to process despite thousands of photos...And I'm taking all the drawings I've done.W can have digital copies of them for printouts... And drawings of kids. My study has a wall of their best drawings.And then there's tons of them throughout the house (I plan to take a photo of all of them, and mash up as one gigantic artwork full of details)...likely I will have nothing but walls full framed of family photos and framed art/drawings in my new home,LOL.

Kitchenware...added to mental checklist...I'm the chef of house, so W likely has no love/hate relationship to none of it same way as I do. For example there's a South Park jar I bought eons ago, and I still love it as much as I first saw it. And the knife set my parents got for us as engagement gift is awesome. And I really don't see W handling any fish, nor using the butcher's knife (I use it for nuts and garlic mostly)...she can have all the kettles etc (I really hate them), but I'm desiring the big IKEA wok pan I bought last year.

Tools...yep, I was thinking of them yesterday when coming from my nightly walk...the good/bad side is that we live rural, so there is lots of tools that have no use in city. But tools are valuable and will always sell...so have to think of them separately I think.

Yard... it will be difficult. I have no need for any of it in city flat. But there are some pretty big items (swings, trampoline, tons of ornamental bricks  etc)...possibly the biggest loss in itself will be the yard and garden itself. I have put so much time and effort and love to it.

"Don't assume she wants something. If you want it, ask for it. "...good advice. There is particular valentine's day gift I gave her 6-7 years back (around the time when she says she  ceased loving me)  that I feel I'd want "back". I thought it was the ultimate gift of my love to her, still remember how excited I was of discovering it  Her reaction of it was more of a meh (why did not I poke more bit went along with apparently it's not her style)...It's a cast iron chandelier made by local blacksmith. I thought it was so romantic and fitted so well of me her/me building our castle. Well, life happened.

"You will likely be leaving many things behind you do not care about. But don't leave it behind assuming it will just stay there. It might not."..another good one, thanks. There are quite many wooden storage boxes I have made for our shared stuff (even past month). They are not pretty nor something I might need in my new home or feel hugely attached now. But self made is self-made. So I gotta think those carefully.

"Help remove anything neither need or want. If it all works out and you get back together, cleaner is just fine. JMO.".... I have been thinking about this as there is SO much "junk" she has accumulated (like ornaments that are broken, boxes of candy papers for crafting that never has happened in these 20 yrs, clothes that she wants to fix but never gets done etc). Knowing what I now know of mental health issues, I feel me taking care any of it (as I would have in past) would be me enabling her bad behaviour, not allowing her to grow up and take responsibility and accountability...So I'll let her belongins be as is. Even leaving the dust and spiderwebs, LOL.

Relating to above,  G20 dropped by few nights back for unexpected quick visit (bringing G12 a belated bday gift). Her first comment was "wow, you can tell W is at work and you are taking over the house. This is the cleanest and most organized I have seen here, maybe ever".. I could not help thinking that in 2-5 yrs time W has likely trashed the whole place, yard and garden included. Maybe I should have more faith in her, but her past and present actions don't make me feel any. But I'll keep it to myself, no need for me to brutally honest.

Alvin.
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Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."... D filed May 2020
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** You're not going to master the rest of your life in one day. So relax. Master the present day. Then just keep doing that every day. ***
*** Without trust fear is the only possibility. Place your trust in your own wings. ***

 

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