[LisaLives]

I did not join this forum for a long time because I did not understand "standing."  And when I explained my situation, I was assured that standing does not necessarily mean "waiting" or letting your MLC spouse walk all over you, it means standing for yourself. 

I keep reading threads where people question standing, and whether they should stand, and I just was hoping we could open this up so that no one here has to feel bad for any decisions they make that are right and rational for their situation.

None of us will make the same choices because none of us have the exact same situation.  But, correct me if I'm wrong, standing means standing for yourself and doing what you need to do to preserve what you built in your marriage.  Regardless of how he lives out his MLC, I need to stand for me so that I can protect the two boys that he seems to have put on the back burner.  It does not mean standing for HIM, unless and until he comes out on the other side a whole person. 

I just hate seeing people here beat themselves up for doing the wrong thing--as long as we act with love, morality, and good intention, there is no wrong--misguided, less than perfect--but not wrong, right?  Thanks, Lisa 

[Dontgiveup]

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/stand_standing_clarifying-the-concept1.html

[StandandDeliver]

lisa - standing does mean what you say, which is similar to the definition dgu has linked to. However, I would add that standing generally means foregoing relationships with other people until you decide to stand down and "move on" to a life that does not include your marriage to your MLCer.

And as the article says, it is lonely. That is why, from time to time, people like me question "standing". If my H is like this for years, or never wants me back, at what point do I say, "ok, I am done. I would like to feel loved and appreciated again by someone and, what is more, I want to give love and appreciation to someone that knows that when I do so, it means something. I refuse to put his MLC before my needs for recipricol love anymore".

I am sure that many of us feel like that from time to time. If you are lucky your MLCer will seek to reconcile before you reach that point, but it is definitely a personal choice to decide for yourself when and what means enough is enough.  I, for one, am standing for now, because I am not sure how I feel and do not want to launch myself into a relationship and then wish I hadn't and I also know that I need some healing time, some time to really look after myself and work on myself before I can really offer myself to anyone new and before I would be able to work on my R with H were to come back. I know, though, that at least for me there will be an eventual limit, when I feel that I do not want H back, or when I decide to start dating. I don't think I could wait around for 5 years or more. For some people standing is a thing of faith, whereas I am not particularly religious although I do believe strongly in the ethic of treating others as I would like to be treated. Therefore, I see standing as a sort of grace period after the relationship has been torn apart. A time to heal, to think, reflect on my own life and direction and not make any rash decisions. I think that the definition is quite loose, so it is possible to encompass various points of views...

[Dontgiveup]

Here is another piece from one of the standing articles that I found helpful.

Standing is not meant to stop the MLC and will not realize an immediate and miraculous cure. He must go all the way through his MLC. It is not your job to change his mind or convince him that your way is best. He needs to learn through experience rather than the parental trust me I know or do as I say route. As a Stander, your job is to Accept the process of MLC. That includes accepting that he is or will have an affair and that he will not work on your marital issues for a very long time and that they are likely to get worse before they get better. Standing builds a foundation for later. You can choose to use that foundation for your marriage when he wants to return, or you can continue to use it for your own stability and growth and choose to tell him No. Stand and be married--even when divorced conduct yourself as a married person if that is what you want to be. Give him space and patience and reassurance as is needed.

[StandandDeliver]

Thanks DGU, I don't know if this helps or not, but I found that time has sort of played games with me since BD. On the one hand it seems like such a very long time ago that it happened. On the other hand the last 7 months have gone by so fast. So while MLC takes a long time, I have found that these initial months have varied enormously in terms of how I feel. The first couple were the worst and they seemed to drag out, everyday waking up in this cloud of unreality, but as my own shock started to wane (and there was a point where I never thought it would) time seemed to literally speed up and as I started to reclaim my life from MLC and start making my own plans I felt like I had stepped off of a merry go round of depressive thoughts which kept slowly cycling around and around in my head onto a rollercoaster of ups and downs going forward at greater speed.

But that may just be me. I am at the point that when I have good days (or moments) - the "ups", I feel good and positive about my life but when I get bad days (or moments) - the "downs",  I feel the sadness as if it were  fresh and new. That is a step in the right direction because I do now get "ups".

Having said that, I did have a tearful moment this evening as I considered the person that I was married to and how he was my world and then about how in his crisis he has become the person that has hurt me more than anyone else has ever hurt me in my life. It is hard to remember he is out of control in many ways...

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Standing is about recovery. It is about finding your center again and rediscovering yourself. Standing is not rushing to decisions solely based upon hurt feelings. Standing for someone means while they complete their journey, you take care of yourself and as best as you can, you love them from afar. Knowing that you are not going to get anything in return. No love, no compassion, no support from your spouse.

You take the time to heal and hold on to the hope that your marriage may be restored. Not the old marriage, but the new marriage. The welcoming of a new spouse. How often does it happen? I do not know. I just know that I have been standing for over one year. Right after bomb drop, I was convinced that I would be divorced within a few months. I was a complete mess emotionally. Now, I am righting the ship and living a life with my girls and dealing with a MLCer at home.

I don't know how I do it. In fact she is going to be gone for another month to her sisters, then come back for another month before she departs to another country for one month. Who knows what will come back home at that time.

In the meantime, I take care of my house and I live as if I am single except unavailable. I have learned how to make myself happy and to discover myself and make myself whole.

I guess standing is about you. What do you want? What are you willing to deal with? Can you change your behavior and actions? How long will you wait? There are many questions and the only person that can answer that is the individual LBSer.

The final thing that standing gives the LBSer is the power of choice. At first, it seems the MLCer calls all the shots and the LBSer is powerless. But as you detach and GAL, you will find that you have a life and that you have choice to stand or move on and find someone new.

((((Hugs))) and let God guide you and fill your heart with HIS grace.

[LisaLives]

I never saw those pieces on clarifying standing, seriously, and I thought I read all the articles.  I do get it now, but I am not and never wanted to stand, I guess. 

I think the hardest thing for me, and I don't know how you all do it, is knowing whether he really is MLC, or if I really was horrible.  I know that I have to accept some of the blame for the fact that our marriage fell apart.  If I had not started to date and gotten feedback from some reasonable men that I really am not the great evil, I am not sure I could ever have been whole myself, if he chooses to come back. 

But I think for me the part about standing that is so hard is knowing that while I did not have a perfect marriage, I would never have given up on it, never.  But since he did, can I ever look at it the same way again?  I think I just feel in my heart that if he had truly loved me, he would not have had an MLC, and the fact that he did means he didn't.  It is possible he may come out on the other side loving me, but so what, he didn't love me enough to stay, so I may as well move on. 

I respect all you standers, I really do.   I wish I could be that strong and that certain.  But thanks for pointing me in the right direction!  Lisa

[OldPilot]

I think I just feel in my heart that if he had truly loved me, he would not have had an MLC, and the fact that he did means he didn't.

NOPE I must disagree with this.
A matter of fact it might be the exact opposite of what you wrote.

His MLC has NOTHING to do with you and nothing you did caused it.

And he probably did truly love you that is why he felt comfortable enough to dump a MLC on YOU

You have to understand what MLC is all about and I do not believe you do understand by what you wrote.

It is all about HIM, nothing about you.
He needs to finish growing up, and you did nothing to prevent that or cause it.
Even his parents are not really to blame, although they may have more to do with it than you.

And as far as standing is concerned my feeling is that you need to resolve your own issues before you have a new relationship, whether that be with your H or a new partner.
So when we are standing we are working on our selves because every person on this board is going to have to have a NEW relationship.
The only question is who that relationship  is going to be with.

Most counselors that I have read say that it is better to have that relationship with the person that brought you to the dance rather than looking for a new partner after you get there.

[Mamma Bear]

    OP I was going to tell her that.  My H really loved me enough and knew I would forgive all this S**t.    I know he did!  Even though he's on auto pilot of replay w/ ow He told me recently "You're the most forgiving person I know.."  Gee Thanks

[LettingGo]

What is it that you are asking, specifically? There is a wealth of information on here about MLC and Standing...

IF you don't don't think your husband is having a MLC or a crisis of some sorts... if you are willing to believe that he was truly unhappy for every year of your marriage and you are a bad person, then you are willing to believe a liar. If you believe that a person can "fall in love" with someone practically overnight, and that you are ready to "find love" practically overnight (because that's what anything less than a year is) then perhaps you should question your own thoughts about marriage.

My way isn't the "right" way or the "only" way, but if you find yourself here as a poster, then I would ASSUME you believe your husband isn't quite himself, to say the least, and that he has moved WAAAAAAY too fast into another R, and that you don't believe your marriage is over just 'cuz the crazy person says so.

Although some of the members here are divorced, and we all support them, this isn't a "divorce forum" at all. Our focus is on surviving a spouse's MLC and keeping our marriage intact enough for rebuilding, even if it doesn't work out that way. Some people are divorced against their wishes, and they can be standers. The average emotionally bonded affair lasts 2 years. Two years is a blip of rough territory in a 15 or 20 year marriage, especially when there are kids involved. You may disagree.... many certainly do, and there is no right or wrong... only right or wrong for you.

Standing for your marriage is a personal decision. You seem to be hoping we can convince you to do it...