[nah]

Old Thread:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11119.150

[nah]

Nas,
I completely understand what you were talking about n the previous thread.
I was having breakfast at a friend’s diner yesterday (we went to high school together, as did my current husband, so we all have many mutual friends). She was talking about another hs friend, how she was constantly posting on Facebook about her breakup.
I still have the need to defend the betrayed. Several people joined the discussion. Facebook is not the place to air your grievances. I agree with that point. BUT… it doesn’t always “take two”. Sometimes one does not know. Why do so many want to blame the victim? Not much different than pointing out what a rape victim was wearing, or why was she in that place!
I guess with all the time that has passed, I no longer need to vent for myself but I will always defend the betrayed.

[Hoosier Daddy]

My STBXW is definitely a vanisher.  Haven’t been in her physical presence since thanksgiving 2020.  I have seen her at church from a distance or driving down the road as she only lives about 3 miles away.  Don’t understand why she didn’t move farther away.  I used to have my sons invite her over to the house for holidays to “eat cake” with us but stopped doing that once she started her PA with college boy (former HS classmate of S22).  Found out recently that she had 2 secret fantasy obsessions with former HS classmates of S20 prior to the PA.

Don’t know much about what she has been up to the past year.  She has also almost completely vanished from S22 and S20 lives as well.  She dropped off Christmas gifts on the front porch on 1/7 after both boys had left for the holidays.  Just gift bags full of candy and a card.  Been tempted to snoop at the card but haven’t.  Have eaten some of the candy though.

Wonder if she will ever have the courage to speak with me directly again?  I never confronted her with any of the things I know as I didn’t want it to cause any friction in the divorce proceedings.  Sometimes I wonder if I could use what I know to get a more favorable settlement but I don’t want to be that type of person.  Knowing what I know is my burden to bear.  I haven’t told anyone besides my priest and therapist and plan on keeping it this way for now and perhaps forever.

HD

[nah]

Geez.
No wonder she’s a vanisher. I would hide from my family too if I was banging a child. 

HD, I can tell you from experience. That young boy has nothing on you. He’s just feeding her ego. All my “Stella got her groove back” supporters cheered when I boasted that I had a 22 yr old.
The sex was “meh”. It was all about “look how sexy I am, I can get a young one”.
 Big surprise. Men don’t care. They just want sex.

I know you heard this a million times. There is no way in Hell that this relationship will last. No 30 year old guy will want to stay with grandma, she has a serious crash coming in her future.
But luckily your happiness does not depend on her. 
You are now free, do something amazing!

[beyondblessed]

Nah, I think the old "takes 2" adage stems from a place of comfort and complacency.   Of course, both people add to the relationship, but that doesn't mean the relationship is balanced or equitable.  None of us knows what happens in another's relationship,  and only if or until it happens to us, we don't ever give a thought to or partner completely abandoning us and running  away like a coward.  In these cases, I think the bystanding people try to "protect" themselves from the reality that this same fate could very well befall them, too, so it's easier for them to create the scenario of the broken relationship being caused by the failures of both parties.  The truth is, you may well have all the faith in the world that your spouse is faithful and devoted to keeping the vows he/she pledged,  but you can never really know for certain what lies below the surface.

Sure, I probably did many things over the course of 18 years that rubbed my xh the wrong way, so yes,  I did contribute, but, my xh chose not to address those irritating actions with me.  Instead, he chose to share them with another woman who was all too willing to comfort him and agreeably convince him that I was the devil he'd made me to be.  That is how every single affair starts...with the demonization of the unwitting spouse because the response it gets from the AP further validates the despicable behavior.  So, all that being said, it does take 2 people working together to make a marriage work, but it only takes one to selfishly and cowardly destroy it.  And, while I agree that social media probably isn't the ideal place to air such grievances,  I do understand the temptation of letting it all hang out there for the world to see.  I know I certainly let some things be known on FB around the time of my betrayal.  At that time, the shock and pain were so strong that I needed a voice and outlet,  and FB filled that need.

[Nas]

Something about the changing of the new year - this specific new year - left me feeling strange (not sure how to explain it). It's 2022, how did that happen? The last several years were a blur of lost time. There's a whole block I don't remember at all except brief flashes of being hooked up to an IV.
I think it's that the passage of time creeps up on you when you have a vanisher, the sudden-but-not-sudden realization that the last time I saw my former H was truly the last time. How the children in our lives that were young and innocent are now teenagers, how places we went are now gone or replaced by new places. I drove by the mall where we used to do our Christmas shopping and it's empty and desolate and the parking lot is all overgrown with weeds poking through the concrete. I pulled over to the side of the road and cried a little and that reaction absolutely surprised me. With each passing year, he gets further and further away from me, and it feels like the old me gets further away too. Which is hard because the rebooted me was supposed to be this smart, interesting, independent bad ass and...well, that's not gone as planned.

Even though I could never have him in my life again, I do sometimes really miss parts of my life. I miss having a place that was mine, where I felt like I truly was finally on stable, solid ground and I was safe. And if I'm being honest, it was nice to feel like someone was my person, even if he really never was and it all turned out in the end to not be real. Sometimes bits of memories that I've forgotten pop up to remind me that it was indeed so crazy. The email after I moved away where he lamented that I didn't care about him anymore (because I moved to try to start over...after he literally destroyed everything, left - with the dog - and moved in with his girlfriend  )
I don't want the memories, honestly. They remind me that I failed. I cared too much. I gave too much and took nothing for myself. After he burned everything down, I could've bent over backwards and still be pretzeling myself and he'd still be popping up now and then with messages filled with projection or self-pity...but he'd still be gone. And I'd still be navigating through all this alone. That's maybe the only thing I'm truly proud of myself for in my entire life so far, that I shut the door on what might've been endless crumbs and madness. My marriage was all about him and I thought I'll be damned if the end of our marriage and the rest of my life is all about him too. No way.
Not much to be proud of, but at least it's something. Whatever inner turmoil he's been dealing with for all these years, I've been dealing with that and so much more, and at least he has his physical health and he gets to have someone there with him.

Not sure where I'm going with this. I've just been feeling wistful since the start of the new year. It'll pass, but I know my clanishers know what I'm talking about. It's too bad vanishers don't take the memories with them when they vanish.

ETA: I forgot to say, this lyric describes my pre-BD life:
And when I squinted
The world seemed rose-tinted

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyrpRzdvp5U

[Treasur]

Oh my days, thank goodness for you 
Me too.
Have been feeling sort of, idk, glum and could not put my finger on it.
But I could have written a lot of what you wrote, Nas, about time and me and missing things and weird memories and gaps. There are lots of weeds now in the cracks of my old life. And I don’t always know what to think or feel about that.
So, thank goodness for you bc I feel a bit less alone and adrift this evening.
A fire, red wine and pasta is my ‘pick me up’ plan. I hope you have something similar planned too xxx

[One day at a time]

Nas, I can also relate to a lot of what you said.. Maybe not so much the New Year but my recent birthday (45) left me wondering where the last 5 years have gone.. Life started unraveling when I was  40,  WTF happened to the last 5 years? As a matter of fact, I'm back to my IC to work through it because the "how did it get here? how did my life change so much?" feeling is very unsettling and something that I haven't managed to shake off even after all this time. I am in a new relationship so I'm not alone but, at least in my case, it doesn't change the fact that I'm still dealing with the effects of H's MLC and the grieving process of what, once upon a time, was my life.. Hugs!

[nah]

Clanishers… the universe has a funny way of dropping things in your lap when you least expect it. I felt like I had to tell somebody, and only the vanisher clan could relate to how funny this interaction could be.

BD was a whopping 9 years ago! Ugh, the betrayals, abuse, humiliation I went through. Clanishers know the pain. I spent years going through all the stages of grief,…denial, bargaining, etc.
I coped unhealthy ways, pain shopping, drinking, one night stands, etc and healthy ways, focusing on my career, meeting new people, connecting with old friends, traveling, etc.
The ex is now a foggy memory and I am now married to a man that appreciates me.
Throughout the changes in my life, I moved out of state for years and recently came back. My husband and I bought a 1860 Queen Ann Victorian fixer with water views on the edge of a very trendy town with little shops and popular restaurants. A local parade runs right in front of our house in the spring. It’s a dream come true for us. My husband also grew up near the area as we went to the same high school.
We have been living/working on this house for about six months now. It gets a lot attention from the neighbors as it’s historical, has the largest piece of property, in the best location and needs a ton of work. It looks like an old haunted house.   
The house also happens to be within walking distance to several betrayers. Ex-friends, Switzerland friends that I have backed away from and the dreaded in-laws.
Eight years ago, while we were still legally married, fil died and I stood in the back of the funeral with my son while I was ignored by the whole family. The affair partner sat in the front.
Anyways…
Most of our new neighbors are great. There is one stuck-up pain in the @ss, she reminds me so much of my ex mother in law.
It’s an usually nice day today. Husband and I were doing some work outside as the nosey neighbor stood behind her gate to eavesdrop on a conversation we were having with a contractor. We then needed to do an errand, so we were slowly driving through town with the windows open. I was telling my husband how the new neighbor is just like “my ex-b!tch-face mother in law and THAT’S HER!!” 

Oh my God. With the window open we were about 2 feet apart. Lol.
We looked right at each other when I said those exact words.

I couldn’t stop laughing for about an hour.

[forthetrees]

What are the odds? Well, now she knows how your really feel:)