[justasking]

LML

It sounds as if your H, my H and WW H are all smelling the roses together and sharing their stories of horrendous marriages as they saunter through their tunnels. I hope they have plenty of sandwiches and coffee with them. This is one long trip     

xx

[LoveMeMyself]

JA, you make me laugh!  I'm so glad that we all found this place and each other!  I know it's a serious situation but it sure feels great when you can actually joke and laugh in the midst of this c*ap! I can almost get a visual of them all having their little sit down picnic and eating their sandwiches (perhaps picking their noses or telling each other stupid stuff) and later taking a nap.  Ha, ha.  Only in the land of MLC!

[Still]

Well, my h has been in MLC for just over three years. I can really relate to the "worse before it gets better" concept. I really believed that my H would never take the amount of time it takes for a typical MLC to run its course. I thought I was outside of what the majority had experienced.

There have been times in this journey that I would think he was acting and seeming so much better, then he would become angry and irritable....all directed at me. It took many times of this happening over and over again for me to realize it was a "cycle". He would be kind....then have to find a way to keep me at bay and then the anger would come out.

Two summers ago I thought he was coming out of his MLC. He seemed to be interested in taking a family vacation and was planning the trip with me. During the entire trip, he was withdrawn, stressed, and clearly unhappy. Back home, he was miserable and wanted out.

So, here we are. He moved out last month. Does he seem happy? Not at all. He scowls at me and acts angry when I try to communicate with him. He claims he is happier than he has been in years. Time will tell.

I think the big thing to remember when things appear to be improving is how consistent are they. It takes a long time for this to resolve itself. Anything that appears too quick, likely is just that and you are headed for a disaster later.

Just my thoughts.

[OldPilot]

He claims he is happier than he has been in years. Time will tell.

YUP!
 Mine is telling our children she is not depressed and that I am manipulating everyone to thinking there is something wrong with her.

Meanwhile she tells them that she want to commit suicide.
Still spends hours on the computer solitare games.
Has no joy in life.
Can't sleep or is always sleeping.
Hot flashes.

I agree it must be me!

[hampc0cv]

This is somewhat off the subject of worse or better for our MLC'ers but I needed to ask.

Has anyone had any problems with their adult children going thru anything like this?  My youngest has gotten so bad since her dad left.  She treats me  horribly.  Today it happened again and then she calls back about a hour later and acts as if nothing happened.  She has hurt me so bad and has made me cry so much.  She is acting like her dad in how she makes me feel that it is my fault and always has been.  She puts he dad on a pedestal and treats me like crap.  I am the one who has always been there for her and she is treating me this way.  Any thoughts

[Still]

Hamp,

I can only tell you my experience. My adult daughter has seemed for apathetic about our difficulties. She seems to be more connected with her dad than she has been in a very long time.

My theory is this.......the MLC'er walks away from their spouse so easily....claims not to love them...made mistakes, etc. I think that it highly impacts our children. If they could walk away from us, why wouldn't they just walk away from them. I think they view us as a safety net because we haven't left, want to make it work, still love our spouses. In other words, are children know that we are not going to leave them and they feel secure in that relationship. They don't feel that same security with the MLC'er. The adult children are trying to maintain a relationship for fear that they will no longer be in their lives or have love withdrawn. At least that is how I see it.

[hampc0cv]

still - I have thought that also but I don't understand her anger towards me.  It is like she hates me and wishes I weren't around.  I thought maybe she would see that I am there but she seems to be condoning what her dad has done.  She says she hasn't but her actions say something else. 

It hurts so bad that My h rejected me and now my daughter.  It is like it is happening all over again and she is treating me the same way my H did.  She acts like it doesn't even bother her that I am so upset. 

I just wish she would tell me she hates me and be over with it as to keep doing the things she does.

[BonBon]

Hamp,
I don't have children so this might be garbage or, it might be easier for me to say but....can I share my thoughts?

You didn't mention how you are handling this.  It seems to me that she is testing you and learning from her father.  I would put an end to this right now.  I would not suffer nor tolerate the slightest disrespect from her.  How?  I don't know.
But what I do know is that she needs to understand that you can't do this to people, particularly those who you should respect, love and appreciate.  It's no different than the boundaries we have to set for the MLCers.  Some behaviors can not stand and some lines can not be crossed.  I would let her know that while making sure she knows how loved she is. 

Just my .02.
Good luck...

[With Gods Help!]

Hamp im getting the same from my D20 shes all for h, to the point she wont tell me if she meets him with new baby, i after guess and when i ask her she lies and tells me dad texted her and asked her not to tell me......a few wks ago i had this out with h and he shown me the texts where my d was texting him asking him to meet her dad and baby.........my son as nothing to do with him but is constantly trying to turn me against h..................None of my 2 children want me to have him back saying what hes is wrong but yet my  d sneaks off to see him and then says he dad tells her to.........h had it out with her the other week and asked her why she lied about meeting him guess what she hasnt texted to see him for 2 weeks..........Think shes trying to keep me and h apart and making stuff up so i dont have him back..............They think im stupid and were constantly arguing over it, however my kids pay nothing for living here and i think they feel if he comes back then he will make them pay there way, so there is method in their madness ............Ive told them both that its my choice and if they dont like it then they are adults and can find somewhere else to live xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[StandandDeliver]

I feel so bad for those of you with older children, it becomes so complicated!

I wonder if it might help if you were to use some MLC tricks on your kids. Afterall, if MLCers are like teenagers, then actual teenagers might respond to LBS strategies: "I am sorry you feel that way, I will be happy to discuss it with you when you care to speak to me with respect." validation without agreeing or tolerating poor behaviour.

Also, (and this is not an issue with my much younger children) but I think if they were older I would have a very hard time not "expecting" them to take sides. It is perhaps a reflection of your D's torn loyalties ( remember your issues with your H are not hers, although they affect her) that she feels she needs to sneak around rather than just be straightforward with her. Have you tried telling her that you accept that it is important that she retains a relationship with her father - let her off the hook for wanting to see him and the baby? I don't want to make assumptions, I am very aware that you maybe already DO all of those things.

In different circumstances, when I was a teenager my mother involved me in marital difficulties she was having with my Dad and I resented it. I KNEW my Dad had problems, I KNEW he was often an a**hole to my Mother, but I felt enormous guilt about taking my Mother's side and I was sometimes quite rude to her.  And as a teenager, still trying to make sense of the world, I wanted ONE of my parents to be the grown-up and look after my sister and me. My Dad had issues, and my Mother was so caught up in her own problems with him that my sister and I had our own emotional development overlooked frequently and, it often felt, callously. I am NOT saying anyone here is doing this, it is just I can imagine with teenager and very young adults one can easily have unreasonable expectations of them in terms of loyalty and maturity.

As I say, I do not have teenagers yet, so I have no real insight other than being on the receiving end of my parents marital strife and knowing the huge conflicts it created for me, emotionally.