[LoveMeMyself]

I'm not sure if this is appropriate for discussion but it's something perhaps we all should think about.  I'm wondering what exactly does the "getting worse before better" mean.  Can anybody explain or give examples of this as it refers to the MLC'ers?  Has anybody felt or seen the "worst" in their spouse and if so, what? 

[BonBon]

Well, I think I can comment here if I'm reading your question right.

At bomb drop, H had been showing signs of MLC (which I did not really understand) but it was fairly mild.  After bomb drop, he got worse and worse.  His attitude went from somewhat distracted and distant towards me to outright hostile.  He went from considering me and my feelings to not at all, and letting me know what I wanted/needed/was used to did not matter.  I believe the worst was the EA because he betrayed me even though he maintains it was platonic.  I believe the other "worst" times were when he laughed in my face and likened me to Kathy Bates character in "Misery" when I declared my love for him.  Telling me he was not in any way sexually attracted to me and telling me that I was at fault for having a very bad back among other things.  Telling me he needed validation from other women, that mine did not count.  Lots of insults - I was boring, rigid...blah, blah.  Lots and lots of lies as well though I seemed to catch him in most and they weren't as bad as they could have been (in other words, I don't think there were any affairs but he was playing with fire no doubt).  Also, sneaking supplements for body building, driving very buzzed, stuff like that.  He was that way for a year or year and one half. 

Slowly, the attitude and chip on his shoulder seemed to wane.  I started hearing more kindness and declarations of his feelings towards me.  I also heard several apologies for specific things such as my bad back, etc.  Also for laughing in my face.  The replay behaviors seemed to wane as well as did the constant trying to change his "look".

I believe we are now towards the end of replay and avoiding depression.  (note I wrote "we"...geezalou).  I'm seeing a much, much kinder person, much like the old husband but I still see bits and pieces of the nasty...very small ones and infrequently though.  I'm also seeing some weepiness and overt sadness.  When I see the tough guy act now, it's not the same as it was a year ago...that tough guy was full of bravado and strutting like an overgrown peacock. This one is a bit more of a normal tough act...not a teenager tough act.  I'm hoping his sexy talk on Facebook has stopped but since I refuse to go on there, I don't know for sure.

So in my experience, even though MLC started before BD, it got worse right after BD, way worse in fact but has gotten better now.  That said, because I don't trust him, or the MLC, or life, I could wind up having another bomb drop in my lap and so who knows if he really is better or just plays it that way.

Is that what your were looking for?

[justasking]

Well I am into the 21 month on his trip.

H is most def worse from a physical and mental health perspective. He is thin, grey, losing his hair, not sleeping, dead eyes and radiates a sense of hopelessness. Quite a catch really lol   

His finances are atrocious and he is very nearly bankrupt. But he still manages to keep his fantasy life going but I feel that the dream is cracking.

Despite this when I think that nothing can get worse he still manages to sideswipe me at times about his life and finances. But despite this everytime he knocks me down I feel stronger standing up again and it almost prepares me for the next 'hit'.

It is a very sad situation and the only one who appears oblivious is OW.

xx

[LoveMeMyself]

Thanks, Bon.  I appreciate you sharing your thoughts and details of "steps" your H has exhibited.  I'm struggling at the moment because I feel like........well...........I guess I'm confused.  Go figure.  I know my exH started showing signs about 6 months prior to BD even though I didn't know at the time what was going on (it's a hindsight thing).  He spun out of total control for about 6 to 8 months.  He started calming some about a year into this MLC but not until after our divorce (8 months ago).  He has been sort of "nice" at times even though the contact has been extremely limited.  It's hard to know much as we do not see each other or contact each other often.  I hear things from friends who work with him.  He recently "attacked" me verbally and within a day or two he was back to being nice..........as if the "attack" never happened.  I know he also had issues at work the same day he attacked me so perhaps that was the reason.  Anyway, I guess I'm grasping at straws here and just wondering where he might be in all this mess.  I know it doesn't truly matter as I can't do anything at this point.  I just wanted to have some sort of idea about the "worst" again before better.  Not sure if that makes sense or not.

[BonBon]

Hi,
Yes, your question makes sense and I just wanted to make sure I understood the context of the question.  Since I live with my little MLCer, I see everything so to speak.  I refer to the really bad time of complete hostility as "peak MLC" and I do hope it has "peaked" but I of course take nothing for granted and never will again.

Sounds like your H is cycling.  Mine was doing that ALOT for several months and now, a tiny bit but moreso cycling in and out of depression rather than anger.  The anger is rarely directed at me now whereas it was almost completely before.  I think you really may have a cycler on your hands.

I didn't think about the physical aspect until I read JA's post but I have realized that during a trip we took, exactly one year ago, when things were pretty bad, H looked awful.  I think I knew that then but now looking at pictures, I can't get over it.  Every picture looks awful....baggy eyes, drawn face, almost ashen!  I think that has improved though some days I still see it.

hang in there!!!!!!

[justasking]

LMM

Each MLCer is so different and so is their journey.

Having read Bon's post my H got worse about 7 months in and then last Oct his replay behaviour diminished and he talked about 'us' 'we' all the time. He insisted in calling me his wife and he went into awakening.

I believe he then had an insight into some of what had happened and this spooked him. Although he is still not as bad in replay he has kept OW and tries to keep his fantasy going. Since his finances have been on a massive downturn he has withdrawn further into replay but still not as far as previously. His depression is overwhelming and rock bottom beckons again.

All we can do is watch and wait. Don't let him pull you in to an expectation of something. Luckily I had zero expectations at awakening as he never progressed with it, although things looked very positive for a short time.

Some MLCers have a smooth road to walk. Others are like mine they take the scenic route through every valley and over every mountain 

xx

[LoveMeMyself]

Thanks, JA.  You are just one month ahead of me in all this.  My exH looked very bad (physically) approximately 6 to 8 months in but the last time I saw him (about a month ago) he looked alright.  He had gained weight........more than he weighed before BD.  He picked up the habit of smoking with his first OW.  He has attempted to quit several times but I believe it has gotten worse.  He was also drinking very heavy early on but I don't know about it now.  He's on medication for depression and seeing a doctor.  I question if this slows down the process.  IDK

[LoveMeMyself]

JA,

   

Some MLCers have a smooth road to walk. Others are like mine they take the scenic route through every valley and over every mountain 

I think mine likes to stop and smell the flowers and takes naps by the stream!

[watching and waiting]

My H is very much like JA's H.
He looks dreadful.  Something I had not taken much notice of since  the beginning.
I thought he was looking better recently, but after speaking to some family members and neighbours who have seen him lately, they told me he looks terrible and not the happy go lucky person he always was before.
He is looking depressed and sad mostly.

He too travels over every mountain, through every valley, goes round and around the roundabouts and stops to smell the flowers LOL
It has been 23 months since BD.
I have seen him start to awaken, talked about him hurting, and being sorry, not being able to change the past (text to D not me).  However he seems to like it in Fantasy land and is content to remain there with OW for the time being.

Initially he spewed alot.  I don't see much of that nowadays, unless it involves money and the fact he has to give me some for the kids.  He still avoids this responsibility.
That bit hurts, but I am surviving.

He has bounced throughout, and I have had the suicide threats every 3 months for about 15 months.
That is a long time, but somehow he snaps out of it and continues with the fantasy.
I often wonder if he lets OW see this side?

HUGS

[BonBon]

Interesting so many of us are in the same time range.  My bomb drop was almost 22 months ago.  Hmmm.

What some of you described is exactly what I am afraid of...the coming around stops and he reverts back.  So I have not let myself get my hopes up in any way.
I also have finally, finally, finally digested that this whole thing, be it his issues or the way he has treated me, is his to fix.  I have fixed whatever I need to other than the fact that I have one heck of an anger bone towards him now.  I don't let it show though, or at least, rarely. 

Should he fix himself, and fix what he has done to the relationship, then I will figure out how I can move past this whole ugly mess.  Or at least as much as possible.  Right now, I'm on hiatus, and he can do all the work.