[UrsaMajor]

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Have you seen this guys theories and the chaos spectrum?

https://youcansavethismarriage.com/invisible-lifestyle/

Yes WHY, very familiar...... that's Larry B.
He is a predator. When I was new, he was the 1st person I found that seemed to know what he was talking about.
Long story short: I bought his smaller package ($100, $150, something like that). It was ok, nothing revolutionary.
What happened next was eye opening...... he wanted $2000 for his real package (a package which only lasts one year). I started getting sales calls from his people and they were very pushy....... trying to do hard sells on me. Text messages followed after that. They also promised the program could save my marriage and they had a 100% success rate. What nonsense!! Utter lies.
Since I have a background in sales, I knew what they were doing...... and even knowing that, my need, my want, especially in my vulnerable and desperate state..... I almost did it, even though I couldn't afford it.
I didn't do it, and found a different way, and I'm so glad I did.

The thing is, his information isn't bad but it isn't complete either.
I would (personally) say that Kendra Ruth's paid versions of her information is just as good (if not better) and it's a much, much better value.
Consume those, and once you have a good basic understanding for a foundation, do a call with her. I did and it was extremely helpful. There is no silver bullet, there is no magic pill, there are no shortcuts to the front of the line. So much can only be resolved with time, but you'll see that when you look backwards at some point in the future.

-SS

[JohnnyBravo]

Yes WHY, very familiar...... that's Larry B.
He is a predator. When I was new, he was the 1st person I found that seemed to know what he was talking about.

I also tried the Larry B system. Started with his course on MLC, and then took one of his longer ones. (Cheaper than the one SS describes, and I didn't get any push calls.) Definitely saw some warning signs, one being that Larry B. has a degree in marketing per Linkedin, and his course advertisement said that they have to interview you to make sure you're qualified for the course to make you feel special. (The answer is, if you've got a credit card, you're qualified.) But I was desperately searching for answers as most of us were, so I tried it. It did have some interesting information, and some of it was useful, but mostly I found it to be a way to keep myself occupied in the rough early days.

The course is basically a way to build back your confidence and happiness, and a way to learn how to not get wrapped up in other people's drama. Which is exactly what K-R teaches in Detach and Thrive. You could do the work here, and buy a copy of The Secret, and you'd have about the same thing. (He refers to a different book than The Secret, by some Russian guy. Can't remember the name.) And in the most basic sense, that stuff is true. If you're a debbie downer, you're going to bring others down or bring out that energy. If you're upbeat, people will respond likewise.

Larry B (and that book) also talks about not getting caught up in "pendulums of negative energy." That's detachment. I recommend taking K-R's Detach and Thrive course when it opens again.

JB

[Ready2Transform]

I remember at least looking him up too in the early days, and I think I might still have some audios on a hard drive. The "salesmen" can smell broken hearts, empty wallets, or the need for medical cures, which I'd already had experience in with some self-help gurus I'd worked for. Just know that there's a ton of information available for free (even if it's just the library or audiobooks, Youtube, etc.). You have to be discerning anyway to sift through whose really qualified and whose just an opportunist, but that's the life we live in all areas where capitalism can play a role. Some of the best references I still use came from no-name therapists and psychologists who had interesting websites or blogs that made sense to me. You'll find what resonates most with you.

[Ready2Transform]

Useful reminders in here for anyone having a hard time pushing through their days (I remember early on I found holiday weekends rough, and in the US it’s a long weekend):

https://www.talkspace.com/blog/feeling-overwhelmed/

Overwhelmed doesn’t seem a strong enough word lately. I can’t keep going the way I’m going. I can’t work almost continuously for 72 hours in order to take off two full days to sit in waiting rooms for hours in between medical appointments that often end up leading to more questions than answers. I’m so fatigued, I’ve actually lost my voice.

I’ve been dancing lately (because yoga isn’t cutting it anymore for the anxious “energy,” that build up of anxiety that makes me keep moving despite my body feeling fatigued enough to crumble, which it eventually does - “she’s a maniac” indeed).

Dancing is a way to try to connect to an old version of me who, despite having to prove my right to exist every single day, was still a feisty and fiery badass who wasn’t out of time…

🎼
https://youtu.be/fhnrrLxQEVQ 

Big hugs, Nas. Dancing is a form of healing too.

[WHY]

Has anyone checked out the Reddit midlife crisis sub?  Most of the posts are from MLCers.  It's really depressing.  These folks sound so sad inside.  It's staring them in the face about whats going on with them (they're literally on the right sub), yet cant to anything to change their lives or stop self destructing.

Someone needs to decode this type of mental illness and find a treatment.  It's wrecking lives. 

https://www.reddit.com/r/midlifecrisis/

[JohnnyBravo]

Here is the summary of rules in dealing with "pendulums." I'm posting them because most of them are reasonably useful and true. Pendulum is how they describe it in the book, but I like to think of it as sort of an energy vortex. If someone is all spun up about something, being spun up yourself (either for or against them) is only going to build the energy (like bad synergy). If you accept what is happening and remain calm (don't get caught up in their issue: Detachment), you can bring the total energy level down. I even did this with a friend's dog once. The chihuahua barked at EVERYONE, and the owners just accepted it. I walked into the house once, and when the dog started barking at me, I turned on the "late-night FM DJ voice," and said, "Hey, little buddy... What's all the excitement about?" Dog just sat down, stopped barking, and looked at me. Everyone was amazed. (The FM DJ voice is from Chris Voss' book on negotiation. I didn't know to call it that at the time.) some of this is also accepting that you don't have control over anything but yourself and your reactions.

"Freddy" refers to Freddy Kreuger, which is how they describe the negative energy affecting the other person (and possibly you). "Black Stamping" is how you train your amygdala to not put you in fight-or-flight mode every time something bad happens. I can post more about that later.

• Accept Trouble. Merely accept the pendulum as having a right to exist – leave it alone, never blame it, never get angry at it, accept it as something that exists. Accepting does not mean that you embrace it; you pass it with indifference, wave goodbye as it passes through you, no longer think about it.
• Problems Are Easy: Keep saying a problem is easy to solve and it becomes so.
• Search Out Good: Your job is to grab onto the fine thread of good news. Do that by taking an interest in any good news no matter how small. Focus on this good news, good ideas, good purposes.
• Have Gratitude For It: Accept your present situation as it is. Make even the smallest thing a source of joy. Start by having gratitude for it. Things you throw away deserve your gratitude. Give out positive thought vibrations.
• Walk Right Through Trouble: When and unfortunate event happens, it is just the pendulum attempting to hook you. Accept it, ignore it, and stay on the Wave. Black Stamp it.
• I’m Neither Good Nor Bad: Accept everything about yourself and your situation as good. You are neither important, nor are you worthless.
• Be Comfortable With Everything: Keep your level of importance, care, concern, need, worry, desire, ambition at zero. Eliminate your Freddy’s Caring Angry Friend scam.
• Be Calm And Listen: It is good to allow your mind to be distracted at times so your soul can give you its insights which are ALWAYS right. Order your Freddy thoughts to be quiet and ask, “Do I feel good or bad?” If bad, pick a different choice and ask again. Your soul will steer you in the right direction.
• Friction-Free Life: Do everything calmly. Do everything in the easiest, not anxious, way possible.
• Tend To Their Selfishness: Avoid problems by using other people’s Internal Intention. Other people’s Internal Intention is their selfishness. Instead of using your Internal Intention to get what you want (your selfishness), abandon it. Make it your intention to support the Internal Intention of other people (their selfishness).
• There’s Multiple Possibilities: In order to avoid becoming anxious about your goals, accept defeat ahead of time. ONE TIME, imagine a scenario of a potential defeat and imagine what would happen if you don’t reach your goal. When you see this, imagine other options to ensure your success, other ways that things might also work in your favor. Do this ONLY ONCE and then it will free you from the need to force your goal into happening a certain way.
• Greatness Is Normal: Keep looking at your “Have List” every day so you can feel comfortable with this new way of life. Get comfortable with your Have List. Until it is seen as an ordinary life (meaning you are no longer in awe of it), your new Have List will not arrive.
• Possibility Is Comfortable: Pay attention to the comfort level of your soul. Imagine that everything on your Have List has already been reached. It’s all behind you now. Do you feel very good or very bad? If you feel good, you found your door. If not, assist your soul and keep looking.
• Secure The Best: When things go right for you, and you feel you’re on a mountain top, dig a foxhole. This means that you will be prepared for the pendulum, your Freddy to come and try to take this away from you. Drop your own importance for this mountain top experience. Immediately let the pendulum fall to nothing. Black Stamp it.

[Treasur]

What an interesting and thought-provoking list, JB. What’s the book called?

[JohnnyBravo]

Thanks, Treasur. The pendulum concepts are from "Reality Transurfing" by Vadim Zeland. It's basically along the lines of The Secret (which I haven't read, so I'm assuming), but claiming to be backed by physics. Whether you go for that or not, the concepts are still valid. I think they're all from the first book/volume.

Freddy and the Black Stamp are Larry B. things. Freddy is powered by opposition, and is what is driving your spouse to act against you. This is true of MLCers in the sense that if you suggest something, they will do the opposite just because you are the enemy. If you proceed with acceptance, they have nothing to use against you. The Freddy within you wants you to be angry and upset about things, because he lives off of that. The Black Stamp is a way of associating positive meaning to bad events to train your amygdala out of overreacting. When something bad happens, you basically say, "I'm not against this. It's actually good because _________." "I'm not against stupid drivers. This is actually good because I get a chance to keep my evasive driving skills sharp."

Larry B seems to carry those to the point of absurdity, though, which would pretty much condone cake eating or being a doormat.

The negotiating book is "Never split the difference" by Chris Voss. K-R recommends that in her class, and it's really interesting. I've recommended it to a few family members and coworkers.

[Zion]

The newest Affair Recovery video is very interesting! Really hit home with some of my XHs pre and post BD behaviors.  Super interested in the next installment when they swap the genders. Almost 5 years since BD and I still find this fascinating and scary.

https://youtu.be/ze0ekOT7lWE

[FaithWalker]

Thanks for the link Z.  I occasionally watch these and subscribe to their email but haven't kept up with every installment.