[thissucks7788]

Wow Ready, that is very insightful, thank you! I 100 percent agree with the fantasy vs reality thing.  To me (although I'm not in MLC) the whole idea of that relationship was truly idiotic. But, yeah, I know it's about how she made him feel + fantasy stories in his mind.  The girl was not on board although my H felt that she gave signals and was open but then changed her mind once he left his wife/family. Either way, yes, he was going to be and was sitting alone in that apartment with nothing.  In fact H revealed a few things: One being that he is resentful towards LO because he feels that she almost ruined his life (although we all know HE ruined it) and two he wants no memories of the whole event.  He throws out anything with the apartment address or anything having to do with it.  I told him that we will be discussing it (and have been) for a while, because I'm not going to rug sweep this whole thing. It happened. I do feel that he still needs to take more accountability and I want to read what you recommended from HB.

Speaking of the fantasy vs reality-- I did tell H that on one hand I'm glad he never hooked up with LO, but there was a small part of me that even hoped he would not only hook up but move in with her.  Reason being-- I think that would kill the limerence entirely and in a short period of time.(I believe he still feels she is so gorgeous and beautiful and other barfy things) Nothing like reality to kill the fantasy especially with such a ridiculous relationship.  But anyway..... yes, I'm trying to move forward and be cautious all at the same time.  I agree that some more "cooking" needs to be done so hopefully all will work out.  I know that I'm not giving up anything that I changed when he was gone (my new job, my tennis class, my friends). 

Thanks again Ready and hope you're well!! xo

[FaithWalker]

Thanks for the update TS!  I reiterate Ready on going back and reading HeartsBlessing's threads when you have time.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?action=profile;u=57

I know that I'm not giving up anything that I changed when he was gone (my new job, my tennis class, my friends). 

I'm glad that you aren't giving those things up!

[Curiosity]

TS, nice to see your update. I was nodding in agreement with so much of what you said about how much of a mixed bag it is when they come home. A year and a half after my W came home, and just over a year since she came back to the marriage completely, things feel pretty solid and like we are headed in a good direction. But rebuilding trust is a slow process. I think the strength we found in ourselves after BD is essential in truly healing. Thanks for updating!

[thissucks7788]

Thanks Curiosity! It's good to hear from someone who is farther along in the process than me.  Encouraging to hear that you feel that all is on solid ground in your marriage. I know trust will take time (lifetime to develop and seconds to destroy).  We just celebrated our anniversary yesterday and it was strange to do so because just a few months ago, I was sure that we were headed towards divorce.  My Nan used to like the saying "life is weird with its twists and turns".   I couldn't agree more. this has been the strangest most tumultuous year of my life.  Good to hear from you and hope things continue to go well!
B

[thissucks7788]

Hi all!!
I had someone reach out to me who feels like their situation was similar to mine and wanted to know how things turned out, so, I thought I would give an update.  Getting this message had me re-read what I wrote (my first message here) and I remembered how much pain I was in at the time and had no idea what would happen.  It still feels so shocking that all of that really happened.

H and I are doing well.  He has been back home for about 5 months now.  I feel like we've gotten closer as at first it definitely felt weird, and I was really unsure what I was supposed to do.   We had a great Valentine's Day and he wrote so many wonderful things in the cards and bought a bunch of romantic gifts.  However (there always has to be a however) he did the same thing last year and then BD was literally about 2 weeks later. So, just saying. But, moving on... he is attentive, loving and really trying. Lots of good things and I couldn't ask for more at this point.

That being said, there are still scars that remain.  I have many triggers (although I am getting better at handling them) and trust is still an issue. I still check his phone etc...and always have my eyes open for any red flags. I suspect this will be the case for a long time. I vow to always listen to my intuition.  I'm not exactly the same person I was before this happened and I do think of our relationship differently.  I understand when people say that it won't be the same, but it can still be good.  I think this applies here.

My H's journey seemed shorter than the usual MLC so was it MLT (transition and not crisis)? Will there be another BD in the future?  Who knows. I guess we will see.  As for me, I plan to keep all the lessons I learned throughout and have been keeping my own life that I created during the whole situation. 

I can't even express how thankful I am to everyone here on this forum.  You are such a wonderful and supportive group and helped me get through one of the worst most painful times in my life.  Good advice, humor, friendship. I hope you are all doing well!
B
xo

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Great news to hear and we all like a happy ending. However, it is going to take a lot of time for you and the marriage to heal. I am glad that you realize that this was a quick turnaround and he may go back into the tunnel again. Yet, he may not and that is the reason why you need to move forward.

Yet, he needs to understand that you have been hurt deeply and that it is going to take time for him to regain that trust and he has to respect you for giving him a second chance. At some point he has to take accountability for his EA. No one else's fault. Not the young girl, not you, not the stress of life, but it is all on him. He made the choice to step outside of his marriage and commitment to you. 100% responsible. This is going to be hard, but it will help both of you heal.  Read the articles by HeartsBlessing as she does a much better job than I do in this regard.

Please keep posting and have an amazing day!

(((Ready)))

[WHY]

TS is a rockstar.  Truly inspiring.   Keep at it. 

[thissucks7788]

Awe thank you so much WHY!!!  Your friendship and support have meant so much to me during this past year. xoxo

Thanks readytofixmyselffirst- I appreciate your words.  I agree with all you said and I love Hearts Blessing. I've read so many of her things throughout--she is truly a knowledgeable woman.  I just heard that she passed away and I was so sorry to hear.  I don't know if it happened recently, or I just heard about it but it made me feel sad.  She has helped so many. In fact, in the Hero Spouse FB group, they often post her articles to help people navigate the crazy MLC rollercoaster.  Anyway, I hope that everything is going well for you!

Thank you both for responding. 
B
xo

[WHY]

Awe thank you so much WHY!!!  Your friendship and support have meant so much to me during this past year. xoxo

Thanks readytofixmyselffirst- I appreciate your words.  I agree with all you said and I love Hearts Blessing. I've read so many of her things throughout--she is truly a knowledgeable woman.  I just heard that she passed away and I was so sorry to hear.  I don't know if it happened recently, or I just heard about it but it made me feel sad.  She has helped so many. In fact, in the Hero Spouse FB group, they often post her articles to help people navigate the crazy MLC rollercoaster.  Anyway, I hope that everything is going well for you!

Thank you both for responding. 
B
xo

I think she passed away a few years ago.  I don’t know who runs her site.  But I hope someone has documented her writings and has everything backed up in case the site goes down. 

[thissucks7788]

Hi all,
Ursa asked me to do an update for any of the newbies to give some hope.  So here goes-- backstory-- My H left me after he turned 50 and decided he was "in love" with a 20 year old girl who worked with him.  It came to a head when I found the texts and confronted him.  At first he denied, but after I continued to read them out loud he admitted he had feelings for this "soul mate" and loved her.  Anyway, he said he was going to leave, get his own place and even though I was crushed, I helped him find an apartment.  I didn't think I could heal with him here and didn't want to have him chasing after another person in my own home.  Anyway, went smart contact (almost to no contact--just very minimal regarding business and son).  I actually contacted the girl via facebook messenger and was very polite. I told her I was letting my H go and I wouldn't stand in the middle of soul mates and their happiness. (I'm not recommending this but this is what I did).  Anyway, she said she isn't interested in H and I believed her b/c I saw the texts and they were more once sided.  I was pretty sure it was a one way EA for my H and she was someone who he fell in limerence with.

I cried rivers, didn't understand wth happened as I thought H and I were doing great together.  Besides him spending late nights at work with her "in training", nothing else seemed off.  I did have a gut feeling and confronted him but he laughed it off as she was "a kid".  Anyway, trust your gut instincts people.   When he left, I got a new job, found an old hobby (tennis) and made new friends.  (saw a lawyer also just for financial reasons).  This site was a life saver.  Made wonderful friends here who I still keep in touch with. Also I never talked relationship with H (had a few rageful outbursts in the beginning but once things got rolling)... 

Anyway as a side note a very close "friend" of H's tried to start a relationship with me during this time and when H found out he was furious.  I don't know if this affected anything but since it's a part of the story.  Well, after 5 months-- H asked to return home. I told him I was open but want to take things slow and date first before he moves back in.  Anyway, we did that and he moved back in 2 months later. 

Now I suspect that my H had more of a transition.  I guess it's possible that he ended early and can do this again-- who knows??  But he has been home a little over a year and a half and things are going well.  He tries and is attentive and loving.  While I want to talk about it periodically he would like to forget the whole thing happened.   I will say that it really is a different relationship after reconciliation.  It does have its pitfalls- one being the trust issue which really can't be the same imo. I also have scars that remain from this whole traumatic experience.  H and I are back though and spend a lot of time together.  He says and does loving things -- he knows that I've suffered due to his actions.

But all that being said, I hope my story can give some people hope.  Pay attention to yourself and your kids.  Fill your own needs, take care of your finances, keep yourself really busy and change up your routine.  These things helped. Keep with the great people on this forum.

B