[Returned]

Me and xH have been spending a little more time together, and he has given me a ride, prepared dinner and otherwise been helpful
The boys have been drifting off to do their own activities.
I am starting to waver, and having some moments of doubt.
I had previously mentioned that at times my MLCer gets into a political rant. When he does this I never feed into it, I just let him be. However what is scary is that when he does this I can hear the choice of words and thought processes of the alienator at work. These are moments when he "channels" the alienator. I find it disconcerting, because it is not in keeping with his previous personality, my previous concept of him or our previous life together. Will his decade with the alienator forever scar him? When he gets into a political rant I can see why people avoid him. I have never seen someone so intelligent lose so much brain power.

[JohnnyBravo]

I have never seen someone so intelligent lose so much brain power.

That's interesting, my XW started getting that way as she ramped up to BD. She had always favored certain ideas which were common where she grew up, but they morphed into something extreme and irrational. She started getting more news from YouTube, and when I pointed out that she was watching the opposite-extreme versions of news shows she hated, she almost gleefully smiled, "I know!"

Ooooooooh kaaaaaaaaay... Maintain big posture, don't make eye contact, back away slowly...

[Slow Fade]

Ooooooooh kaaaaaaaaay... Maintain big posture, don't make eye contact, back away slowly...

Ok, this made me spit my coffee out my nose!! 

[Reinventing]

Slow Fade, me too! That was really funny, JB

Returned, I haven't experienced a return, but I wanted to empathize that what you described would be very hard to experience.

I watched something similar with a family member who has a pattern of beimg susceptible to people they date for the first 2-3 years of the relationship. They took on this vitriol and extreme views for awhile. What was particularly hard is that they were a favorite child of their mom and the gf got the mom, during her last months, watching shows that made her feel all that hatred and fear. It was so sad to hear the vitriol of the gf now through the mom as she was dying. So very sad to agitate an elderly person like that.

[KeepItTogether]

10 years is a big chunk of time Returned. My H has recently returned as well, after 6.  I often wonder about some of the things he says and if they are a residual effect of his time with OW. It is very triggering for me personally. I absolutely do not engage when I am feeling this way b/c I am not at my rational, composed best. LOL

Moments of doubt occur with me almost daily. These men are not well still. While they are on the road to recovery, they are still broken and not emotionally well enough to understand the implications of what has happened, and their role in it. It's hard to deal with. All we can do is be honest with ourselves and them, while utilizing our LBS learned skills of not reacting, exercising patience and knowing, most important of all, that most if not all of what they do and say has nothing to do with us.   

[Returned]

I can say that xH has progressed remarkably in the past 6 weeks. His conversations are thoughtful and lucid. He is reading more. More importantly in many ways I get the feeling that he can "see" us, in a way that I had not seen since before bomb drop.

Having said that he has had difficulty reinserting himself in life here. He assiduously avoids many of his old friends. I can tell he misses his country. After six months here he recently quit his job, a job that paid well but that I could tell was uninspiring for him. Men in his country retire early at around 60, and at the age of 67 it is certainly his right to decide if the time has come that he does not want to work. He is returning to his country and does not say for how long. However this time it is different. He has reconnected with one of our sons, and with the other and our grandson slightly less so but that is in many ways related to lifestyle differences. In his absence of course our sons lost many cultural traits from his country and he still loves them but he finds them difficult to understand.

Despite his imminent return to his country I very much feel that his 6 months here has "returned" him to us. I can tell he is out of the tunnel, and now he is confronting issues regarding retirement and what he wants to do with himself. His words are generally kind and thoughtful, and I can see he is no longer angry, nor does he wish to harm us. He is no longer hypersensitive and he no longer misinterprets things.

It is unclear to what extent the alienator is still pulling all the strings. I can tell my xH greatly fears scandal and rejection, and I think his fear of conflict as well as his desire to live quietly in his native land plays a large role in his decision-making process right now.

I remember stories of the settlers who came West and the American Civil War veterans, and how in the 1920s the survivors would spend hours upon hours sitting with each other and revisiting their memories of the adversities they faced. To some extent my xH is like this. He is trying to find himself in history, a history which we both shared. The difference is that I am still very much inserted in the modern world, with a grueling work schedule and many many family responsibilities. He is very much nostalgic for the past, and he has a hard time grasping and understanding all the changes which have occurred.

This time I have an overwhelming feeling of calm. I am at peace with myself. I have done everything I can possibly do to help him. Now it is only a question of seeing what happens with time.

[Imgood]

Returned - How are things going? Any update?