[xyzcf]

Happy birthday Returned!

These are the types of changes that can be seen that help us to see that things are different.

Thanks again for documenting what you are observing.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Happy Birthday!

((((Ready))))

[Songanddance]

To date they have not wished my children a happy birthday or a merry christmas in the last 10 years. How does one forgive something like this? I am baffled and confused. Even if it looks like there is hope for a return to sanity on the part of xH what do I do with my anger over the way my children were discarded by the in-laws?

You can't change their behaviour - you can just choose to let them go.   That said - there is still a part of me that would want to have my say with the in- laws about their behaviour towards the grand-children - the momma bear response.  I actually think though that this is something that you need to take up with H. They reacted based upon his behaviour and there was no justification for it.  It is something that he needs to address with his parents - he needs to make it clear to them that to punish the children for something he did was out of order.

It is his problem in the end and not yours.  If I were you and I felt the time were right - I would gently but firmly let H know how his parents treated his children for his actions and that it is something that really could be dealt with and perhaps sooner rather than later.  Happy Birthday!

[FaithWalker]

Happy Birthday!

[Returned]

It is now three months since xH came home. He has settled in to a routine with the kids and his work. He tries to be helpful, although at times it seems not all his efforts work out. The defensiveness is gone now. His job is really grueling and he is often a bit sleep deprived. I have noticed that he has been very cautious and reclusive.  The personality change is really quite striking.

He has only visited two of his old friends. I have run into some old friends of his and when I mention he is home I have noticed they give me a funny look, like they are not eager to get in touch with him. I am not sure how to interpret their lack of enthusiasm. Is it because he burned bridges with them too? Is it because of the terrible things he said about me when he left? Do they feel like they know things I don't know and it makes them uncomfortable? He made such a big deal when he left about how he was starting a new life, and he claimed that I was pursuing him, so it must be a pretty large contradiction for them to see him show up at my house. Is it that they think I should not let him come back?

It would be reasonable to say it is none of my business, however it does make it difficult to have a normal social life if people are avoiding him.

I guess the key thing here is the question of loyalty. I have not given up on him even though he has done many things which I consider tragic. I do not want his friends to shun him because that makes his return even more difficult.

[Ready2Transform]

I guess the key thing here is the question of loyalty. I have not given up on him even though he has done many things which I consider tragic. I do not want his friends to shun him because that makes his return even more difficult.

As much as you'd like the cooperation of these people to make the transition easier, there are consequences to MLC. These people may never come back into your lives. They may think differently of you, of him, of the whole situation. That may not be a loss; maybe real friends would have been there for you all along, and not believed any ridiculousness he was spewing. But there is freedom in not having to control how everyone behaves or perceives the situation. What is meant to work out will.

[MadLuv]

Most people will tell you not to let a cheating spouse back. So, I can see where old friends would be weary of his return for you, but also maybe he lost some respect from them as well that he has to earn back. This is why many don’t return. I have shared my story with my friends, but also with a empathetic view. If ever he was to come back And I allowed it I dont think anyone would be surprised, but still weary. It’s your life and your family. They can accept it or not. To me if the friendships are worth having they will accept your relationship again. Your to busy working on your marriage now. If he stays around they will probably come back around as well

[MomOfSteel]

They are probably just aren’t sure how to react.  I’m guessing if I ever accepted H back there would be a lot of people with opinions on the matter.  It’s easy for people to sit there and say they would never accept their spouse again after infidelity.  The problem is you don’t really know until it happens.  I feel like I always said I had that line, turns out I was willing to forgive it.  That door has possibly, likely closed for me but I would have at first and let’s face it, it doesn’t matter because I don’t know what I would do until he tried.  Follow your own instincts and trust yourself to know what is best for you. 

[Returned]

Long conversation with xH today over coffee . It is reassuring to note that he has been reading and catching up on the world. Previous to BD my xH was very intellectual, and one of my greatest pleasures, when we were married, was having meandering conversations with him about current events. Today when we talked it was pleasant enough, although it did bring out some observations. The first observation is that in his absence he has become less analytical, and although he does not do it as often now as he did when he first came home to visit, he occasionally dips into a political diatribe. When he starts a diatribe he uses the content, phrasing and style of speech of the alienator . Hearing him channel the alienator while he is speaking to me is disconcerting, to say the least.  I had noticed something similar about 8 years ago at a previous meeting where my xH repetitively used feminine hand gestures for emphasis which were obviously and hilariously borrowed from the alienator. Luckily they did not stick. Nowadays, when xH lapses into alienator-speak it reminds me that the road back to normal is in no way assured

[Returned]

The second thing I noted was how isolated he is. Over ten years ago when xH first abandoned us and moved back to his country of origin, he bonded tightly with a circle of friends. Some of them were people he had known for some time, and some of them were the alienator's friends and relatives.  I remember how giddy and euphoric he was about his new life and his new social circle who he considered "very important people". I was banished, and he did the best he could to hide our children, only taking pictures of himself with the alienator, and her children. Even though I spoke with him every few months, he was worried about being seen in public with me, and when we met for lunch he would scan crowds and doorways as we spoke. Afterward, he had momentary successes but he also had a series of setbacks, perhaps in some cases due to his behavior, but also in part due to historical events beyond his control. He was unemployed for years while he lived with the alienator and her family. Now as I speak to him and asked one by one about what happened to these friends,  I realize that he hasn't spoken to most of them in years. Eventually, he fell out with them and distanced himself. They were fair-weather friends, and once they saw he was no longer as successful as they initially believed they slipped away. More and more I understand that he came back home to us because we are all that he has left. His fantasy of a new life evaporated.

Although he told me when he arrived three months ago that he is "home to stay", he now describes his current job as an "experiment".  While this description is understandable, after all the job he has is a grueling graveyard shift and not exactly what he is best suited for, it also causes me some worry. Is our family also an "experiment"? He still does not publish photographs of himself with the children.

Sometimes I feel like he is not entirely out of replay. He rambles on about fantasies of going someplace else and starting over. Jobs in the countries he mentions would never hire someone of his age, and the type of work he describes no longer exists. I feel sad for him, and also for us, as we have suffered greatly from his intoxication with his "starting over" fantasy. I can see that "starting over" is a powerfully addictive drug for him, and he has a hard time resisting its allure.

My sons are as happy as I have seen them in the last 12 years. I can tell that they are greatly reassured to see their parents living together as we enter old age, even though it is quite noticeable that we are not in a relationship. Their happiness is more than adequate compensation to me, and while I can in no way guarantee the future, I will allow this story to evolve and see where it takes us.