[Schratz66]

Well - not sure how I feel.
This is the first time in 26 years that he did not acknowledge my birthday. After all the hopeful exchanges at the beginning of the year…..I guess he no longer feels the connection and I need to accept that it really is over and done with.
This is tough and I did not see it coming.

[xyzcf]

I am sorry Schratz, it hurts when the thoughts that we have, the hope, the feelings that "if only" do not come to us. We remember different times, when our birthday was celebrated, when they treated us as being special and loved and we were fine, better than fine.

There is a part of my brain that will never give up those memories and somehow I have turned them from thinking that things could be like that again, to being glad that I have the memories of those good times...it's a shift in my way of thinking, it helps to decrease any anxiety I still have over will he/won't he?

I need to accept that it really is over and done with.

This is the hard thing. They were done even before BD and they do not look back...superficially perhaps by tiny gestures that we think mean something. If they get through their crisis, they may still be done and if they get through their crisis and reconnect, the old is over...it is the past....it would require something new to build.

In our hearts, we are "not done"...this is not what we wanted, this is not the way it is supposed to be and so we struggle with that for a very long while.

For me, after many attempts..I understood..he does not want me in his life. He does not include me in his life. I am still "someone" to him but his life is filled with many other people and things that I am not a part of. That door is closed shut.

How hard it is to come to this realization, but in fact, it is the truth in this moment.....in my present day, and for several years, he does not want me in his life.

You will have your own thoughts and feelings about him, as we all do. That is fine..there is no timetable for grief.

I think, I started adding together some very hurtful things that he had been doing and the glass started to overflow and I just came to the realization "enough". Even though he still communicates with me, there is no meaning to his contact with me.

I am sorry, this is your birthday and meant to be a good day, a happy day...and it is spoiled by the hope that he would have texted or emailed with a Happy Birthday wish...I am sorry, because being ignored by one that we loved so deeply is very disturbing.

Steps Schrartz...you keep taking steps forward, try not to look back too often..actually, try not even to look too far ahead....breath, look at nature, surround yourself with people who care about you, who are kind to you.......

I have seen you do this, I have seen you come a very long way...today is a set back...there are many days I "dislike" and I wish these dates did not bother me but they do and always will....their hearts are cold, their inability to respond is any normal way is shattered.....that is the reality of their crisis...and we suffer...but in the end...we are in a better place.

Happy Birthday Schratz....may you remember that you were born for a reason and that you are wonderful, likeable, loveable and appreciated by many many people.

[Treasur]

Xyzcf said it well, 66.
I am sorry too. Feel how you feel, don’t be afraid of that, let it be a door that closes and opens to better times and other birthdays.

Right now, you are probably conscious of your feelings of loss but with time, I hope you will come to see - as we do - that the real loser is him. That the absence of a message is in reality the absence of a small crumb, a ritual nod, not the kind of real relationship you want and deserve. You have lost a broken poorly-functioning man…but you get to keep you. And you are rather marvellous.

[Schratz66]

Thank you xy and Treasur….

It has been a long and tough day …..so many emotions and trying to realize that a meaningless Happy Birthday wouldn’t have meant anything in reality but only in my mind. I have pretended for 6 + years that there was hope because I didn’t think I could handle accepting that it was truly done. Not sure how to go on from here, but I will figure it out.

[xyzcf]

I was at a point where I was functioning but could not feel joy. I knew what joy was supposed to feel like, but life was just kind of blah. Contact with him would give me a momentary "buzz"...but you know what we always preach "no expectations".

Personally, I am not "done" and don't think I will ever say I am done. I do not know what lies ahead, but he is still welcomed in my life..that's up to him...but, I don't fret about it the way I once did..and since we do have contact, I have become much calmer and less wondering about what that contact means....example, after taking care of him from his surgery, he sent me a dozen yellow roses..our wedding flowers and what he gave me for every special occasion.....I do not believe he did it to hurt me.....he is clueless as to how things can affect me.

And that is "expected" because we have not been together for a very long time so he has little idea of how I have changed.

Anyway, as you know, we have no idea what they are thinking and their distance really makes no sense....but to them, there could be 1000 reasons why they cannot act in a kind way...that is the way it is for them. We have no idea if they are happy or not....

You might be someone who needs a final "this is it" moment...you may not ever want any type of contact with him again and that's your right. Do what is best for you.

If that means not opening any texts or emails from him..if that will bring peace and closure to you....then this is your decision and is in your control.

The thing is, no one has the right to ruin our special days....they are only men, and not very good men at that. I know it hurts...it might always hurt because it was a good life and a wonderful love....but it can also destroy us.....and I think that the love that was so special deserves a better ending then us never recovering.

I have talked alot about the therapy I received, the hard work I did over 2 1/2 years.....it didn't take that long to feel better, maybe 6 months but this was 8 years after BD and I was stuck.

I cannot say what will trigger something in you that will turn off the intensity of the hurt and bring you to another place, a peaceful place where you can grow and live calmly and without the constant "downer" that their continual craziness does to us.

But I do know that you will find your way there.

((((HUGS))))))

[Treasur]

Thank you xy and Treasur….

It has been a long and tough day …..so many emotions and trying to realize that a meaningless Happy Birthday wouldn’t have meant anything in reality but only in my mind. I have pretended for 6 + years that there was hope because I didn’t think I could handle accepting that it was truly done. Not sure how to go on from here, but I will figure it out.

I have no doubt that you will.

My way, in case it helps, seemed to be a kind of bereavement thing for the lack of a better term. I can’t experience birthdays or Christmas in the way that i once did….the people who were part of that are gone, the people for whom my birthday really mattered are gone. I wish I could and I wish they weren’t, but it is as it is. I found it a relief tbh to stop feeling the need to try to get that back or recreate it. But I also accept that some days in the year my skin is a little thinner than others so I am especially gentle with myself on those days. I do think there’s a time - perhaps it never entirely quite leaves - when the dread of loss, of the finality of it, keeps one foot in the past. Usually it’s a toe lol….but on particular days, it’s a foot. Sometimes a leg 

Imho that turns out to be pretty normal whenever I have spoken to other folks who have lived with big griefs. The world moves forward, you move forward, and there is still a little pocket with those grief pebbles in it that rattles louder on particular days. We find ways to live with the rattle and, if we are fortunate, we have other humans around us who respect that this is what happens sometimes.

Next month I have a big number birthday, the kind of birthday which in the past would have been the cause for a big party, a special trip, a family dinner. Off and on for a few months I have mused on what, if anything, I wanted to do to mark it….and each time I considered it, I came up with nothing. So I decided to do nothing and trust that inspiration might strike and it was ok if it didn’t. Yet I feel very grateful indeed that i survived the last few years to be here to have that birthday, so it’s an odd set of pebbles. And do you know what happened? An old friend reached out to ask if he could treat me to a swanky London lunch. And another asked if i was free to go to an art show that evening in London. And another if I was free to go to an artisan market and have brunch the weekend after my birthday. So, before I knew it, there was a celebratory plan! It isn’t the same, of course it isn’t, but my goodness I feel touched that these other humans even remember my birthday and want to mark it when my mother, my father and my once beloved are no longer here in my life to do so. So, yes, you will find your own way to live after loss, my friend, and yes it’s different but it is not nothing.

On a side note but slightly linked, I was having a conversation with a chum who has never been married (long story, a variety of reasons) and who is still actively looking for that kind of closeness. She is a little older than me and of course, at our age, humans come with long previous lives and loves, even good nice humans. What struck me in listening to hear talk about her adventures in dating land is that there is something particular about what it is like to share decades of life with another human that my friend does not really get….and that it still feels like a gift to me to have had that experience, that it can’t be replaced with new loves no matter how shiny bc they are inherently different. Not better or worse necessarily, but essentially different. And that rationally that is as true for my xh as it is for me, that it’s a real loss for both of us even if one chose it and one did not. So, sometimes, the pebbles in my pocket are also about gratitude as well as loss if that makes sense.

[xyzcf]

I hope you are feeling better today. I often do once the day has past and I get my footing again, sometimes it takes a bit....some things hurt more than others. I hope today is a better day.

[Schratz66]

Thank you XY for checking ..... it took me a couple of days to reel back from this one.

This threw me more off balance than the canceled date earlier this year. And some days I guess I just cannot wrap my head around this man that I have known for 30 years has turned into a coward and all integrity was thrown out with BD.

And I do realize that I only get thrown off kilter due to my own issues of continuing to hope. Hope has always been a survival tactic I had to adopt in childhood when reality was just too grim to fathom and it is difficult to abandon such tactics no matter how counter productive they are in my adult life.

Today I am just sad....sad for him being on such a destructive path and sad for me for having to bury my closest connection to any human being.

....they are only men, and not very good men at that. I know it hurts...it might always hurt because it was a good life and a wonderful love....but it can also destroy us.....and I think that the love that was so special deserves a better ending then us never recovering.

It does deserve a better ending....I watched my mother never recovering and it broke my heart for her and I have been fighting and trying to not let it destroy me, but if I am honest, a part of me will never recover from this, but I must not give up on life all together.

So, for today and right now, I am trying to stay in the present moment, not focusing on the past or the future.

With the darker season approaching and me usually falling into deeper depression, I have made my first appointment with an acupuncturist to see if that in addition to therapy will help me find light.

[xyzcf]

And I do realize that I only get thrown off kilter due to my own issues of continuing to hope. Hope has always been a survival tactic I had to adopt in childhood when reality was just too grim to fathom and it is difficult to abandon such tactics no matter how counter productive they are in my adult life.

Perhaps it depends on what the "hope" is for or if it is possible to have hope and yet understand that the outcome might still not be the one you desired. I personally would not like to live with out hope, in many aspects of my life, especially as I am aging and dealing with some medical issues....I think hope can also be a positive thing because without it, the world becomes a very dismal place.

But I see how it can damage us, clinging too hard to the one and only outcome that we feel will alleviate all the pain, and make everything better. Letting go of the outcome, whatever that might be, accepting that this person is no longer the man you were married to, letting go of all expectations is how I survive, but always allowing for some hope.

Most likely this comes from my faith. Although I often question why God has not answered my prayers, my faith directs me in a couple of ways. To be kind to my husband (love one another as I have loved you)  that God is in charge, that I can trust God's plan for my life (that's a hard one since I would like to be in charge) and that nothing is impossible for God.

I have recently become aware of several friends whose husbands have been institutionalized with dementia, or have died from cancer. They have lost their husbands too....somehow, we all get to adjust to losing the person who was so very important to our life.

I also have a few friends whose husbands have become very unkind, and they are terribly hurt by spouses who treat them poorly....

Finally, after many many years, I "learned"..he does not want me in his life. Even with the contact that we have, he does not want me...and so I guess after many many times of "hoping" I walk away. There is still sadness, other old timers I have spoken to also say that they still are sad even those in other relationships..... it never completely goes away.

It does deserve a better ending....I watched my mother never recovering and it broke my heart for her and I have been fighting and trying to not let it destroy me, but if I am honest, a part of me will never recover from this, but I must not give up on life all together.

So, for today and right now, I am trying to stay in the present moment, not focusing on the past or the future.

I am sorry that your mother never "recovered"...one thing I wanted for my daughter was for her to know that I am ok...that this did not destroy me. I have a. busy and active life, she sees that and she is not "worried" about me the way she once was. She also sees this "different" father and his "weirdness". It's a lesson I have for her....that even with hardship, there is a way to recover, there is place for joy.

With the darker season approaching and me usually falling into deeper depression, I have made my first appointment with an acupuncturist to see if that in addition to therapy will help me find light.

I am presently getting acupuncture for a medical condition and I also find it very relaxing. I went for acupuncture for quite a while after BD. I hope it brings you some relief.

One reason I have stayed in Colorado is that there are more than 300 days of sunshine a year. Having lived most of my life in Canada, the gloominess did affect me, it affects my daughter as well as many other of my friends there. Unfortunately that is not an option for everyone but since I was sent back here and had a house here, I am glad most days that I stayed.....the downside is being so far away from my daughter.

Rambling a bit...just wanted you to know that you are not alone in feeling the way that you do. It's hard to share with others who don't understand why we can't just get over it. So share here, with people who totally understand why this is so very very hard.

[Schratz66]

Thank again you XY...your words always bring me comfort because we have a lot in common and it makes me feel less alone with these feelings.

Finally, after many many years, I "learned"...he does not want me in his life. Even with the contact that we have, he does not want me...and so I guess after many many times of "hoping" I walk away. There is still sadness, other old timers I have spoken to also say that they still are sad even those in other relationships..... it never completely goes away

That is one thing I keep reminding myself of, that he does not want me in his life...that it is his choice and I must accept that no matter how much sadness that brings me. Nothing I can do or say that would "fix" that and that is a hard pill to swallow for a 'Fixer'. It is still a daily battle not to reach out......but I know that all it would bring is more hurt, more confusion and more sadness.

I had done well to remove the focus off him but I guess certain triggers will always remain...my mother dealt with the trigger dates by getting drunk to the point of passing out and while I understand why she did, I do not want to follow her footsteps. My daughter does not deserve to carry my pain, so I need to find a way to carry my pain by myself without letting it destroy me.

I am hoping that one day I will get to the point that you are at, looking at others losing their spouses to illness as sort of similar grief. At this point I still look at those couples and my heart breaks for them and for my MLC that he has wasted so many years and is still not happy. 

I went for acupuncture for quite a while after BD.

May I ask if it helped you feel less traumatized ? My body is still in constant Fight or Flight mode and it is so exhausting......