[Treasur]

Just knowing that the wise option is to not reach out doesn´t make it easier. Here´s a suggestion, if you make it through to 16th without reaching out first, already have in mind a treat for yourself perhaps a book or art supply that you´ve been pondering. By rewarding yourself for staying strong you are reinforcing your worth. And hey, if he falters, again, at least you´ve earned yourself something that you really wanted. Am rooting for you.

Personally I'd be booking something lovely for myself to do on the 17th. Not sure what that means for you? Maybe a treatment, massage, wellness session. For me it would be a gig or a trip to a museum or film. That way you have something nice to look forward to whatever happens this week.
Or try and see someone you haven't seen for ages, who you love spending time with.

Sounds like a good idea to me too. I might even have a plan B for the 16th tbh.

We can all hear that your monkeys are jumping around a bit - the normal disadvantage of having something in the diary for a long time like this. What I will remind you is that some of it is the traumatised bit of your brain making this one date/‘date’ more significant than it is likely to be either way. Normal....but wearing on the system, right? Bc the most likely reality is that it will be nothing more than a small step......to something different if he’s a no show, to some kind of conversation if he shows. Nothing more than that....just a small step.

[Schratz66]

Thank you Ursa, For, Treasur and Biscuit.
Well, I had my hair and nails done, lost 30 pounds and had a new outfit ready. And then he canceled 😭😭😭
Saying he still wasn’t sure about anything
It was like BD all over again. He had sounded different, he had been consistent in wanting to see me and there being hope and then BAM!!
I feel like such a fool yet again for believing. I asked why he said all those things….why feed me hope…..why string me along. He had no answers. Who lets the same man destroy them twice?
That would be me. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t stop crying and wishing to not ever wake up.

[xyzcf]

I am truly sorry that this has upset you, again.

The thing is, he does not have any answers to why he is doing any of this. One day it might have seemed to him like a good idea, the next it didn’t ……..like Ursa always says, it is like trying to taste the color green trying to understand anything about them.

At some point, there was a change in me. An understanding, no longer did I believe he would come back. That was a realization that I could not force anything to happen….an acceptance that this was how this story unfolded.

You have a heart, feelings and love for a man that rejects you and that hurts. Nothing to blame yourself…..we just have some deep feelings for these men, these husbands, the times when we were so very happy….trying to resolve that within is really difficult.

You and you alone can decide whether you wish to respond to him in any future contact. Some people find it easier to distance themselves, to block them from our world and that might be the only way to heal.

Others will be able to figure out a way that contact doesn’t cause them so much pain…and then there is everything in between.

Be gentle with yourself, allow time to feel the grief that comes when we have this expectations that they are somehow waking up, and little by little, those feelings will not hurt quite so much.

I am sorry but it is a very typical MLC thing that he just did.

[MadLuv]

I’m so sorry S66- Just know that he tried. Some never try. Some
Never look back. Obviously he is questioning something, but he is still not sure. Still not confident and not ready. I have learned to take any contact as a positive. They don’t have to contact us or communicate. So, he didn’t fall through and you asked and he didn’t have answers. It tells you where you are. Maybe take a step back again and don’t communicate with him. Let him spin on this for a bit and wonder where you are for a change.

[Treasur]

I’m sorry too, and hope that emotions and monkeys have settled down now.
As xyz said, it is predictably MLC-ish. Tedious, upsetting but predictable. At a simple level, he does not currently hold the answers to whatever it is you are seeking. Imho try not to monkey brain the reasons why too much or infer that it means x or y.....it means no more than his actions are a more reliable current guide than his words to what it is sensible to expect of him

So I hope you take your nice nails and hair out somewhere fun today instead. Bc there is a whole world of pretty places and interesting things and entertaining humans that does not require his presence.....

I’m not going to tell you what you might want to do differently now - I suspect if you listen to your own instincts and you are at the point when you really don’t want to feel this again, you’ll know what’s the best course for you.

[UrsaMajor]

So, Mr. Tomatohead is still deep in the tunnel and doesn't know what he wants at any particular moment.... Gee.... Imagine my surprise. 

I am really sorry that you got the $#!tty end of the stick in this Schratz.

Be kind to yourself and realize that this, like the rest of his antics, have NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with his crisis.

Like XYZ noted, trying to figure them out at any one time is like trying to taste green... with your elbow.... and serves about as much purpose as having a screen door in a submarine... It could be that he is simply playing with you as he is under the impression that you are still on the line or maybe he has his head stuffed so far up his .... fog... that he is simply walking in the dark and has no clue.  Regardless, the results for you are the same.

Therefore, maybe the time has really come to drop the rope and let him drift on his own. Until now, he has been maintaining an orbit around you, sometimes closer, sometimes farther away but always bound to you. He knows/knew that you are there based on the contact. Maybe, hard as it is for you, it is time to let HIM initiate all contact and maybe, just maybe, YOU are the one who is busy, who has plans, who is getting on with your life.... Cut that rope, lower your gravitational attraction so he drifts off on his own.

This benefits you as well iin that you are no longer waiting on him to drop crumbs for you.... You are, instead, taking charge/control of your own life and growing forward independent of what Mr. Tomatohead chooses to do it the future. Then YOU get to decide and make your choices based on YOUR wants/needs and not on what crumbs fall from his table....

Maybe this is an opportune time for you to really finally let got of the rope?

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Well, I had my hair and nails done, lost 30 pounds and had a new outfit ready. And then he canceled 😭😭😭

I bet you looked amazing and it was all his loss. From now on, lose the weight, do the nails, and wear the outfits on how all of it makes you feel. Sorry to break this to you, but your H is a potato and you are putting too much hope, faith, and energy into a potato.

Therefore, maybe the time has really come to drop the rope and let him drift on his own. Until now, he has been maintaining an orbit around you, sometimes closer, sometimes farther away but always bound to you. He knows/knew that you are there based on the contact.

Perfect point. You've got to let the potato go. After all, you can only boil, bake or fry the thing. Find something else on the menu of your life to focus your attention on. I know he calls you, "Hey, I'm a potato, I go great with any dish." But really? He's still just a potato. A side dish. You are the main course. People pair fine wines with a dish like you. Nobody pairs a wine with a potato, not even a beer.

As long as your H acts like a potato, treat him like a potato. If he wants to be with the main dish, he better up his act and demonstrates he deserves to be with you. Ignore him and live for you. Continue to do things that make you feel alive.

Have a great day,

((((Ready)))

[Schratz66]

Thank you Xy, Mad, Ursa, Treasur and Ready. I do appreciate you all rallying around me.

And of course all of you are right and your words of comfort and wisdom are much appreciated.

I thought I would be okay regardless if he showed or canceled but who am I kidding. I was convinced that after almost 6 years this was the final move to come out of it and start seeing the light. In my dream world I had it all figured out and was ready.....until reality hit and it hit hard and I am not sure I have enough strength left to get back up and dust myself off. The last 48 hours have been no sleep, no eating and sobbing. Will that change anything ? Of course not.
He is a potato and drops crumbs every now and then and I pick them up feeling grateful for getting anything. It does not help that when we lived in South America my father ordered his favorite Haribo Gummibears and would not share them. My brother and I would fight over who would get the empty bag to sniff. And that is what this feels like....I am so happy and grateful for any crumb he drops when in reality I should be holding my head up high and demanding better for myself.
If I give up hope, it feels like I give up on myself and on life. None of this is rational or makes any sense. I am a strong, capable, independent woman except when it comes to this man. One man, a single man, a man that has left 6 years ago and yet he still gets to hold such power over every single day of my life. A non present, emotionally immature, cruel man gets to decide how I feel about myself and what kind of day I have. It truly is insanity at its finest and I should be madder than a wet hen. I have read so many stories here, all the recommendations, the blogs, the books - I have read the books about codependency, about abandonment, about finding self love - I could teach about all of it, but I cannot seem to apply it to myself. It's like it is not getting through to the heart of the matter.
 

[Treasur]

It truly is insanity at its finest and I should be madder than a wet hen. I have read so many stories here, all the recommendations, the blogs, the books - I have read the books about codependency, about abandonment, about finding self love - I could teach about all of it, but I cannot seem to apply it to myself. It's like it is not getting through to the heart of the matter.

Well, yes......but I wonder if it’s worth looking at it through a different door?
Humans are so different, aren’t we, even if some bits look the same? I’m sure there are ‘reasons’ for this gap between knowledge and how it is. There are for most of us when we do - or don’t do - things that are not what we consider wise. Imho though the door to changing things we want to change is different for different folks. And it is rarely just about logic or facts. In fact sometimes the door doesn’t even look like a door, just a tiny slit in a wall 

Some folks find the door by digging deeper, some by setting themselves big goals that draw them forward, some by focusing on the day by day, hour by hour.

What if you thought of yourself almost like an addict who just decides not to drink a day at a time? To act ‘as if’ regardless? To try to do things that are hopeful for you, just for you, regardless of how you feel and see what works and what doesn’t? To experiment one day at a time? To see what it feels like to do it anyway regardless of the pull towards those thoughts and feelings? Just like an addict who chooses, hour by hour, a day at a time, to not drink today until they give themselves a chance to develop the habit of not drinking as opposed to the habit of drinking. To focus more on what you DO than what you think or feel or long for? To accept all the messiness of how you feel but act differently anyway? And to be a little bit kind to yourself that probably - for reasons you can’t yet feel in your bones - you are pulled towards something that you know intellectually is not serving you well at the moment.

Reading back through your old posts, it isn’t the first time your h has done something like this - it’s his pattern. He’s a Haribo Bag Guy.  You can’t control his pattern....only your reactions to the pattern. You don’t need to understand why either him or you do it to change it.....you just have to decide to react differently regardless of the reasons. Decide you no longer like Haribos. Or buy your own. Or choose to eat ice cream instead. And start small to grow your confidence as you do. What small thing might you do today or tomorrow that chips away at the pattern? What would you encourage a dear friend to try or how to keep going when it’s tough?

Just a thought. Xxxx and a hug.....I like the mental image of you as a pretty but slightly cross wet hen 

[UrsaMajor]

Reading back through your old posts, it isn’t the first time your h has done something like this - it’s his pattern. He’s a Haribo Bag Guy.  You can’t control his pattern....only your reactions to the pattern. You don’t need to understand why either him or you do it to change it.....you just have to decide to react differently regardless of the reasons. Decide you no longer like Haribos. Or buy your own. Or choose to eat ice cream instead. And start small to grow your confidence as you do. What small thing might you do today or tomorrow that chips away at the pattern? What would you encourage a dear friend to try or how to keep going when it’s tough?

Treasur has a good point. Mr. Tomatohead has a habit or pattern of casting his line, hooking you, reeling you in, and then tossing you back into the pond once he's gotten the hook out....

As Treasur noted, might it be time to stop nibbling at his worms that disguise the hook?

I mean, once is pure chance, twice is a coincidence but the third time is enemy action.....

Just a thought. Xxxx and a hug.....I like the mental image of you as a pretty but slightly cross wet hen