[Tsunami]

Thought I would throw this out there for discussion. 

Late last night, I read on here somewhere that LBS's feel as if our spouses walked and they are out there in the world enjoying themselves.  Are they really enjoying themselves?  Are they totally miserable?  Are they faking it as if they are having a good time?  Or do they THINK they are enjoying themselves; because they are in deep denial?

Please share your thoughts!

[growing every day]

Wow...you figure this out... you win the million bucks!

[Tsunami]

Power Ball is up to 171 Million; I'd probably do better buying a ticket and winning that than figure this MLC crap out!

[OldPilot]

Lets understand that the crisis is driven by depression, overt(obvious) or covert(masked), so that at different times during the crisis you will see different things.  Masked depression they are wearing a mask searching for happiness, they will go down every cheeseless tunnel they can find looking for the holy grail of happiness. More than likely they will not find it.
Overt depression may be more obviously depressed but they will deny that there is anything wrong with them and they will follow the same paths looking for the cure of there depression.

So they may appear happy but they are not.
They are just trying to fool themselves into thinking that they are happy.

As HeartBlessings would say there is a lot going on behind the scenes.

[LettingGo]

OP explained it perfectly...

They are depressed and searching for "happiness"... that's the word they use. They feel old, so younger OW makes them feel young..... for awhile 'til she pisses him off with her ignorance... They hate their jobs because they don't have the toys and success they planned on and they can't quit and start fresh because they have a household to support... so they say "F it!! I'm buying my toys ANYWAY because life is short and I deserve it..." They don't want their spouse anymore because of the crushing sameness to everyday life.... there's nothing NEW to learn about the LBS or the kids.... they can reinvent themselves with OW/OM and leave out the bad parts.... when they look at their kids and their spouse, they feel guilty and like a schmuck for letting us down.... all they have to do is show up for OW/OM to get UN-EARNED ADORATION.... it's easy, with no strings attached... but wait.... it all starts to crumble further on up the road and the more they try and keep the plates spinning, the harder it gets with OW demanding, their kids unhappy, them unhappy..... the LBS unhappy.... eventually they look back to see if there is a chance.

No, they aren't having fun. They are "doing all sorts of fun things" to keep them distracted, as Stayed's husband has said, so, yes, they DO fun things, but they aren't FUN because they're doing it with the wrong people, places, intentions, etc. The rest of the time they are fighting with OW/OM because the DRAMA is the only way they can FEEL.... and this person is SO DISTRAUGHT without them, or "lays down the law" and gets jealous therefore making the MLCer feel "special".

Time after time we hear that the "happy couple" is fighting CONSTANTLY!!! We hear it from the horse's mouth, from the kids, witness it.... MLCers drink too much, spend too much, are in poor health.... they don't sleep..... and we've ALSO heard time and time again that they aren't there for the sex.... they are "doing it" because it is OW's only trick and perhaps a stress reliever for the MLCer, but even the sex isn't that fun according to what we hear... Shantilly has heard her husband LIE to OW saying something like "I know you want a booty call, but I have to fix my truck, sorry!"  She overheard him say that and the truck was perfectly FINE!!! OW offered sex and he avoided it...

No matter WHAT pictures OW puts on Facebook to "prove" they are having fun, they're not. Why don't you try having a little fun and see how your MLCer reacts? Mine was jealous because I was having FUN and he was miserable stuck with OW and missing me and his kids. Take that to the bank.

[Dontgiveup]

The MLCer does do some fun things.....and yes, much of it is a distraction.  Some MLCers say they are looking for happiness, some say they are looking for fulfillment.  Whatever term they use, there is an emotional void that is truly there.

So, are they having fun?  It depends on how you look at it.  They are doing some fun things, but it is in search of filling the void they feel.

Letting Go has touched on things they run from.  Jim Conway calls them the Four Enemies of the MLCer......the four things they "run" from during MLC.....their spouse, their job, their body, and their God.

[LisaLives]

I can not believe this was the first thread I saw.  I was going to post an "oh pity me post" on my thread, but alas, here was my venue. 

This is the second Memorial Day since BD.  We used to go to my H's sister's in-laws lake house every year for the holiday.  It was my FAVORITE vacation.  The lake is deserted, weather nice, sometimes rain, but no biggie, rain is okay.  We cook when we feel like it, eat cereal if we want, drink a lot of beer, and talk all night long.  My H never really enjoyed it, he would work a lot, and I would hang with BIL talking business.  Kids mostly slept since they were younger.  Last year I was beyond sad, this year I was prepared.  Then, not since what does H do, but invite OW on the trip.  Well, S14 said, no way, and decided he was staying with me, but S12 went. 

As a good mom, I tried to fill the weekend with things S14 would be happy about.  H is an anti-gun fanatic.  We live in a very rural area where hunting is huge and S14 wants to hunt.  After H left, I took up shooting handguns because it felt good—I would shoot at photos of her!  So a friend took us to shoot clay targets today, for the first time.  S14 had a blast and was not bad—me, my shoulder hurts…  But H calls S on the way home.  Then sends me a scathing text about guns.  So I write him an e-mail and said, look, this is the way it is now, you forced me to be stuck here for the rest of my life (this is not home, and I have no family here, he is moving across country to be with OW) so I have to make the best of it, and this is what people do here… And I get another long scathing note back.  To which I reply, what are you so mad about??  Dude, I was trying to be nice, I am trying to help him find some happiness… 

He is on MY FAVORITE VACATION with my other son and his perfect woman, and my favorite IL’s.  Could he not pretend to be happy?   But then I get back an oh sorry, I misunderstood, we are having a wonderful time note…  And I’m just thinking, right, because if I was having a wonderful time, I would not have called S14 six times today and chewed out my ex—I would just be happy.  Not to mention, when S14 said he did not want to go on vacation with OW, I would not have taken her…  And he wonders why S14 seems to hate him.  He says it is due to my inability to have a positive productive relationship with H and “be on the same page.”  Seriously, on the same page, what does that mean? 

All is not well in their world, I promise.  I feel so sad for my H and OW.  For the rest of their lives, no matter what story they invent, they will know in the back of their minds that our son was diagnosed with cancer, and H couldn’t handle it, so he turned to OW who was going through a divorce and then he left me and our kids for his true happiness…  That is not the story I would want to tell—not ever, to anyone, especially to myself.  She can pretend all she wants that she rescued him from a horrible marriage while he was going through a nightmare, but really, regardless of how horrible I might have been, his place should have been with us, or at least with his kids… 

[Faith]

I have wondered about this too.  Do we just tell ourselves that our MLCer must be miserable underneath all the "fun" and "happiness"?  My H's head is a complete mess.  Since we told our kids that we're getting divorced, he is even more of a mess - completely paniced over making sure the kids still "like" him.  They are actually creeped out by his behavior.  He has started the divorce process, but still won't move out because he wants to "live with his kids".  Home is now such an uncomfortable place that nobody wants to be here.....except the "happy" MLCer who is mostly here alone.

My H is still convinced that happiness awaits him as soon as he gets this divorce behind him.  So convinced that even the tears and pleadings of his daughters make no impact.  I guess I'll just have to wait to see if he is.  For now I have to believe that there is no way God will bless a man who is abusing his family this way - emotionally, financially, spiritually, etc.  When I think he can't stoop any lower, he proves me wrong again and again.  Maybe it sounds vindictive, but I sure hope he's not "happy" when it's all said and done because he's sure leaving a wake of destruction.

[Voyager]

More "happy" stories from MLC land.

My h is so happy, sorted and content in himself that he can't bear to sit inside our house. He can't bring himself to eat an Olive (yes the olive test) and when I last saw him he looked awful.

He's so happy that he told me had been to see 2 Dr's over the past year, but as neither of them actually told him he was depressed he must be happy   but then went on to say he thought he might be bipolar, which as everyone knows is just another word for happy.

Back in November we met and he started off telling me he was happy and by the end of the evening said he thought he might need help (for his uncontained happiness I guess)

Don't forget how MLCers have a gift for compartmentalising, so work sees them "happy", family may see them happy, the general public might see them as happy and OW has to see them as happy or there's hell to pay.

In my virtual relationship with my h, i get so many "happy" e mails, all sent from his happy place of work, whilst he's in a happy frame of mind.

 With all that happiness to portray no wonder they look like S*** 

I think in my sitch it got summed up by him when he left. He said he wanted to "learn" from other women. What a sad statement. No attempt to learn things within himself, or by himself, just looking to other people to fill that MLC void.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Mamma Bear]

   Good questions Tsunami!!  After speaking at length w/ my BIL today about his Tunnel Time I now believe that (men anyway) are in rat's ass mode. Living in the here and now taking stabs at what feels good.  They don't know the meaning of ENJOYING THEMSELVES. I think deep down WE (on this forum) were the ones in the marriages that made plans and co-ordinated everthing properly. We were too busy floating the ship we didn't have time for an ES/PA
   It must really suck to be not only sooooo depressed you can't find or get the FREE help all counties offer for menatl health issues. No, instead run down the street and abandon your families
  It's OK I'll tell the kids you don't help with baths and bedtime stories anymore  b/c you live across town with a HO-Skank who is your "Real friend now" b/c I pushed you away and you were unhappy for a million years
 Why do we hang on their every word after a discussion.  They are insane. Ask the court for a psych eval before we talk to them anymore.
  Mine is in puppy dog mood lately all talky and lovey and SLEEPING IN A STRANGE WOMAN"S BED
   I don't think they have enough control over their emotions to fake anything. I think they are in a weird distorted surreal space time continuim
 nothing makes sense in their heads so they just run around trying to get thru the day and appear normal   As LG says   I'm just saying