[WHY]

Thank you all for your comments and observations.

I have been noticing something that I thought I would share. As I read the reactions and feelings of people earlier in this process I started to notice something about where I am. Like many others here I went through a lot of stages in the early days in what I wanted to happen. Obviously it started with "this will all go away and we will go back to where we were," to "I will try to be supportive," to "I am living my life and we will see where we end up," to, for me, fully accepting that there really is no realistic chance that my MLCer will be ok. It was easier because by that time I had accepted, separated and had built a life for myself and was no longer in most ways engaged with her ups and down and way past reading any "tea leaves" in her fluctuating behavior.

The part I am now noticing is at various points if you had asked me what I wanted to hear from her the answer would have been different. Obviously early on it would have been words about realization of what was going on (and to be fair she had some painful lucid moments where she would refer to this). A bit later I would have wanted to hear desire for some kind of reconnection. Later on I would have said all I want to hear is an apology for what what she did.

I am now noticing I honestly do not care or would want any of those things. I expect nothing, I want very little and there are no hooks into the past life we shared for 23 years. But the only thing that would be nice, if it ever happened, is simple acknowledgment. Acknowledgment that we did share a great life together for a long time, and that for whatever reason she threw it away. I have no judgement about that action, I understand that it wasn't about me, she was throwing herself away in a lot of ways. And I do not need apology or blame or responsibility. Just simple acknowledgment of a common reality. Not sure what it means but there you are.

This post really resonated with me. 

I feel like I’ve been on the exact same track of emotions as you’ve been.   Except in the last 6 months.  Things have really accelerated.   To a point where I just don’t care anymore. 

We finally got divorced a month ago.  It was an extremely arduous process but I managed to get things over the finish line.   It took 3 years post BD to get here with her MLC/limerance starting about 6 months before that.  Low energy stay at home wallower with fantasy alienator.  But don’t let the low energy part fool you.  The amount of destruction she’s left in her wake is VERY real.   Relationships.  Family.  Kids.  Financial.  Emotional.  Psychological.  Forget my heart.   The other devastation is unforgivable.  So many parts of ours lives have been irreparably ruined.  And the vindictiveness.  She inflicted pain that was completely unnecessary.  Because she could.  And wanted to. And probably even enjoyed it.  No. No thank you.   What a gd damn monster.   

At this point I want nothing from her.  Except that we have kids.  And the only thing I hope is that someday when her fog lifts.  That she’ll make things right with the kids so that they understand what truly happened here.   That this had nothing to do with me and dad did not walk away from our family.  I’ll probably never get that.   But it’s the only thing I’m hanging on to.   Otherwise at this point it’s a full release.   She’s dead to me. 

I’d also like to expand on your wisdom for newbie LBS.  I feel like HS is more focused on standing and reconciliation.  At least that’s what all us newbies hang on to in the beginning. 

But I think LBS would be better served focusing on detachment and living as if as a main mission statement if this website.  Yes yes we say this all the time.   But I feel like it should be our #1 goal. 

 And it’s not just because of my own situation.  We all know the reconciliation stats.  That’s the reality of it.  The sooner the LBS moves on/moves forward.  The better IMO.   Some friends here told me the same thing.  With hindsight, it was not worth standing/holding on, and they were right.  I never wanted to believe it.  “My situation is different right?”   “My MLCer would never right?”  Well no.  She can. And she did.  And she will continue to.  It’s not worth it. 

This MLC thing is still a mind truck for me some days.   How someone can flip a switch like that.   It hardly seems real.

Anyway I’m in a really good spot right now.  My open thank you letter to HS is still coming.   You folks have saved my life.  I mean it.   Thank you.  But at this point.   It’s time to move on. 

I forget which hero was tracking the recon stats.  Frenchie!?   Please make me down for an “it’s over” my friend.   

Thank you fellow LBS.  Onward. 

[Helpnewc]

Dear Why,

I confess I agree. I do love my wife but my life has become better once I have accepted the need to accept she wants this madness and started to make good decisions for me.

I absolutely love her. I wish she would snap out of it but standing I think creates a safety net that enables. But it is not easy to simplify and I do not judge others who wait for their love to work it out. I just know that detaching and making good decisions for me and my kids has been better for me.

I am not sorry I through everything at it. I have learned that truth and reality are malleable and we can’t change someone’s truth. We can only make good decisions for us and for our kids.

And they are lost. Only they can bring themselves back.

I too have closed the chapter of a wonderful part of my life. Will, I always love her. Yes. Can I love someone else. Not yet but maybe.


But I think the sooner the healing starts the better.

And this placed has helped me a lot like you. But it is not about saving your marriage. It is about saving you.


Help

[Treasur]

Similar timescale, pretty similar feelings, Marvin. As to why, I think it’s that their behaviour - not their leaving so much as how they left - leave a big question mark hanging over often decades of our own life, don’t they? And we get left with figuring out how to resolve that question mark.

Early on, as you can see from recent posters, we get a bit lost in a world of questions and most of us have a default response to look to our ex/spouse for answers. Bc after all, they were the only other person who shared that part of our life. And usually, we get no answers or none that make sense when we line them up against our own lived experience. Eventually, to avoid going a bit nuts lol, most of us find our own way of coming up with some kind of answer….maybe what we call MLC is one, idk. But most of us need to put some end to the cognitive dissonance somehow bc it is so unmooring as a way to live.

But no matter how we do that, I would guess that most of us are left with that small itch of ‘was it like I thought it was?’ And the fact that the only other human on the planet who was there, who witnessed and created those days and decades with us, is no longer accessible. I’ve found that bereavement has a version of the same thing, those anchored memories that you are the only one left to remember. That’s sad sometimes but very normal, isn’t it? We keep our memories alive often by sharing them or little rituals we have with others….grandma’s dish, the do you remember when conversations. The difference is that they don’t usually come with that big overarching question mark that our spouses deposited when they left and that can feel like it seeps into every crevice.

It’s a oretty tough battle to try to figure out our own reality post-BD. And to stop looking for answers from those who are given to gaslighting and deceit and destruction bc their agenda is different. But we do the best we can until we find a spot we can live with, I think. Whatever that is for each of us individually.

So yes it makes sense that, regardless of the life we have today, some small part of us even years on might like that simple acknowledgement. Even if most of us won’t get that either 😜