[marvin4242]

I guess if he showed back up with a sincere realization of his actions and acknowledgement of the pain he caused it may restore some of my care for him in the past, because maybe then I would feel that it was real. That honestly would be nice. Better than thinking you lost 3 decades of life to someone that may never have existed

I am sorry that this is how you feel. I think we all would like to believe that people are immutable, that we have certainty about how they are and will be. But I came to realize a long time ago that all things change, that change is the only constant in life. Reason I say this is because I do not question the past I had with my W, even after how she has acted, and how she acts liked what we had has no value in the present. Its just that she changed, suddenly and dramatically.

You were there, you experienced all those moments for decades. Your experience was real. Even the length of time you were together tells you there was something solid and real there, otherwise it would not have lasted so long. This is exactly what I believe about my relationship, my W would not have been there for so long, we would not have had all those experiences, and what I felt toward her was absolutely real.

I thinks its tough but it is possible to hold both the past as being real while knowing what is happening now is so completely different.

[zartheit]

Its just that she changed, suddenly and dramatically.

I believe I have a similar understanding. One analogy that comes to mind is a brain tumor or car crash completely altering someone's personality or values or desires. That isn't to say that my ex-wife has a brain tumor or anything, but that there are many circumstances that are uncomfortable and tragic, and nothing to be done.

Similarly, there's nothing but my own experience. I can spend months and years interrogating, inspecting, and analyzing a participant to confirming some "objective" account, but I'll never get any closer to validating my full experience. There's too much for words to hold and convey.

And when I think about why I would even want that, it is about safety and permission. Were my emotions real? Was my impression accurate? Is reality what I felt it to be? Can I trust my account? You believe me, don't you? If only I could grab hold of the moment, I could keep it in my pocket safe and content. But I can't. Everything is evolving, melting, shifting, dissolving, changing. Paradigm shifts, inflation, elections, climate change. Neighbors moving, kids being born or going to school, trees cut down, ballooning crow populations. Somehow these things can be good AND bad, but those judgements aren't intrinsic to them. Instead the judgements only pop-out from my interactions with them. I guess what I mean is that the the static is illusory yet comforting in its simplicity. The alternative is to embrace the uncertainty of the dynamic and to be as fully present and able to respond as possible. We all already know this. It's just to live fully.

[marvin4242]

Somehow these things can be good AND bad, but those judgements aren't intrinsic to them. Instead the judgements only pop-out from my interactions with them. I guess what I mean is that the the static is illusory yet comforting in its simplicity. The alternative is to embrace the uncertainty of the dynamic and to be as fully present and able to respond as possible. We all already know this. It's just to live fully.

This a thousand times. Judgement and inherent values are something we give things, and the need for assurance, certainty and constancy is also something we create. I am not saying everything is ok or the same, but acceptance that NOTHING is guaranteed and things WILL change is cruicial.

[One day at a time]

Interesting posts about the past and how we feel about it now.

The other day, I was chatting with a friend who's been going through the MLC devastation for the last few months. I was telling her that when I think of xH, I feel nothing. No love, no hate, nothing.. There's a small residual sadness for the loss of my innocence and the idea that marriage was forever, but even that feels quite distant for me now.

She found this very sad to hear. She can't see how she will ever stop loving her H, even though he's behaving like a bratty 2-year-old. I guess I was like that for the first 2 years or so, but eventually, my life started moving forward. I made choices I never thought I would have to make and built a new life. I also changed; I'm not the same person I was.

I don't doubt my previous life was real, and xH's love was real for as long as it lasted. But something changed internally in him, and that love went away, or he couldn't access it anymore.. I never got closure, and eventually, I learnt to live without it. At this point, I don't expect anything. It was 2 years yesterday since I heard from him for the last time, and it was simply to confirm that we had ticked that last box we needed to tick to close our chapter forever. It's very sad that the love story we had for 15 years had such an ending but I made my peace with it. It's not what I hoped to achieve when I joined this forum all those years ago, but it was never up to me. Accepting that was one of the hardest lessons I had to learn in life

[MadLuv]

I thinks its tough but it is possible to hold both the past as being real while knowing what is happening now is so completely different
I think I felt that way for a while, but the longer time passes and he engages in a life with someone that seems to enjoy rubbing her fortunes of a life with him that is purposely hurtful to his own children it seems like more than a change, but a character flaw that was always there. He hated everyone while we were together and now the kids and I are part of that outsider club of hate. So, not so much a change. If you are in his small inner circle you see his kindness and sweetness, but if you are not then you see the darkness.