[Dragonfly33]

Perhaps you're right Madluv, the trauma will stay with us but I guess I learned to accept it especially my childhood trauma and I better understand myself and learn to be more compassionate with ourselves. That trauma my xh has caused me, will probably still lingers on. The fear of being hurt again like that. I guess I am a bit hypercautious at the moment. I know for sure now I haven't fully gotten over my xh. It does take a while. I know it is unfair for this guy I am seeing right now, and that's why I am thinking of having a break until I really can say like you said Madluv that the next relationship will not be affected by what I went through with my xh. If that is even possible. I don't know if I can still trust somebody like that or love somebody like that without thinking at the back of your mind that I might get hurt again. But you are right, you should be at that point where you are content with being with yourself and anyone that comes along is and add on to that contentment in life.

What I feel though now is peace and quiet. I don't have to deal with and MLCer anymore, I don't have to worry about whether he's going to monster, ignore me, or is in contact with his so called other women. That was very exhausting. My mind was so noisy that I couldn't hear myself anymore. I would never wish this to someone not even to the person I hate the most. I hope you continue to heal Madluv and I hope one day, like the others here, you will meet that person who will love you for all your good sides as well as your flaws.

[MadLuv]

Exactly!! We truly were also put in a fog of another making. I also feel so much more ME and definitely more at peace. I hate the person I loved the most was so capable of this. Thats the trauma, but he did and there is no taking it back or reversing it. I have had ex boyfriends from my past contact me and tell me what a fool my XH is.  That has been comforting to know decades later my other big relationships see my worth and defend me. It does let me know that this is not normal and we can trust again.  We will never ignore the red flags again!

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

That trauma my xh has caused me, will probably still lingers on.

Yes, and that is why you need to be guarded in your interactions with him.

The other day, I asked him about travelling to Egypt as a woman by herself and what he thinks about it. He was very helpful with his insights which up to this day I love about him.

I would be very cautious in my interactions with him. First of all, he likes to be the center of attention and the knight in shining armor. The other thing is his bad habit of returning back to exes who need his support. All of this is based upon his past practices and he has shown no inclination to change. You know the man better than I do, but just be careful as he can inflict even more trauma on you now.

Lately I've been checking on the OW social media and my xh's. At the beginning of their relationship, right after he moved out from my apartment back in January 2022, my xh and the cOW were actively posting on social media pictures of their kissing scene, them sleeping together and them OH so in love. Everything they did together was documented with either pictures or videos. My xh seemed to be in seventh heaven on this pictures and videos. I have to admit, I was so hurt and I couldn't even look at those pictures and videos that time.

Of course the first few months are great. All the hormones are being released and everything just seems so new and exciting.  The hedonistic is an interesting concept. It fits in perfectly with the MLCer mindset that everything is about me and what I want. How many times has the LBSer heard, "I'm tired of making others my priority, I am going to make this all about me." The thing is that she was fine as long as she was doing her thing. He got tired and dropped out of the picture and she is still doing her thing. Does that even remotely sound close to the makings of a healthy and wholesome relationship? The thing is that you don't want to get drawn into their drama or their lives at all unless you are a licensed therapist and paid to help them.

As for me, I think I'm getting used to being alone with my dog. Sometimes the man I am dating comes to my place and we do things together. Lately, I have been thinking of taking a break from this relationship. I think we are just not compatible and he's got so much baggage as well that he hasn't actually addressed yet. Or maybe I think I am not ready for a new relationship.

Dogs are great. I have a real bad little dog that is spoiled beyond belief and I will take her company over a bad relationship every time. You are not going to find Mr. Wonderful on your first try. And yes, don't compare anyone to your ex before the crisis. That is only setting up everyone for disappointment. Take you time and build a strong life on your own. Find joy in just being you.

My mind was so noisy that I couldn't hear myself anymore.

Perfect line. You need the noise in your head to be calm so you can actually relax. Sometimes, I find myself going so fast in my own head that I just need to stop and breathe. You are getting there and you should feel proud of yourself.

Have an amazing day,

(((Ready)))

[titleholder]

Nodding along with everything you're saying DF.. The betrayal trauma is something that is really hard to come by. I also agree with Ready that finding somebody who suits you will take time. It's a thin line to walk on..

For my own perspective I've learned that sometimes the healing of trauma and a new relationship can go hand in hand, but then it's important that you find a partner who is willing to accept your past and give you space and room to talk about that trauma in rebuilding your relationship together. I'm very lucky to have found somebody who is giving me room to grieve and rebuild and out of that space we're building a solid relationship.

If you feel that he's not adressing his bagage of willing to talk about his past and that there's no room for you to talk about yours then I totally agree that it's good to think about if this is the kind of relationship you want.

You're doing good DF! It's hard rebuilding your life but you're taking it step by step and the fact that you're getting out there and are dating, enjoying your own life together with your dog, that's good!

[Dragonfly33]

Just journaling

No update about MLCer as I don't have much contact with him.

On my side of the street, I have finally put a closure with the person I was seeing. I realized we really had nothing in common and I saw there was no future for us. I should have done it earlier but I was worried about hurting someone's feelings. It was a relief when I was finally able to do it.

Now, I want to ask those who have divorced and have moved on whether with a partner or not. I don't know if this is still part of grieving or something is not right with me. I have been separated from my x for almost 3 years now and  divorced for almost 2 years now. And yet, I have these episodes where I feel very lonely and sad and to be honest  I miss having my x during these times. I realized today that it is usually triggered when I have a argument with my sister or my mom. For example, yesterday while hiking I had an argument with my sister as she was treating her husband like $h!te while other people are hearing it. It was just constantly negative talks while we were hiking and I couldn't handle listening to her anymore. I went a different way and left both of them and continued the hike with my dog. It was actually very calming the moment it was just me and my dog. My dog was happier running in the fields. But somehow when I got home, I just thought to myself what kind of family I have, the childhood I had and everything that happened to my life. When I'm feeling down I tend to focus on the bad things that happened to me. Starting from my childhood, my mother gave me so much responsibility of an adult when my father left us. I was just in primary school and looking back it was way to much for a child's brain to understand the whole situation and to cary that responsibility of taking care of my younger siblings. I filled in the shoes of a parent while my mom had to work. Ever since, I wanted to escape from that situation. It continued until I was an adult. I had the responsibility of financing for my siblings college education. It was such a heavy load I had on my back. Of course I had happy moments during my childhood when I would spend the summer holidays with my cousins. But I felt like my childhood was stolen from me by my own parents. Then when I got married the only thing I wished for was to be able to have a child and that was not given to me. And finally the last nail to the coffin was my marriage. I just felt like my life was just full of suffering. It feels like I am being punished or cursed. I'm scared to be happy because Im scared something bad will hit me afterwards.   Somehow, I am still very sad my husband is not here with me anymore when I'm feeling like this.I miss his presence so much but I also know that is not possible anymore. For the last couple of months, I've been thinking a lot about him. I've searching online even how long does grieving last. Do you really truly move on from divorce or do the pain and longing linger on even after years? How do you move on? For those of you who have been on this journey for a long time, when did you realized that you have truly moved on and let go of your past? I remember my coworker told me it took her 7 long years until she could finally say she had no feelings whether anger or love for her ex.

As for MLCers, sometimes I wonder how they can continue to live their lives as if nothing happened. I know it doesn't make any difference to my circumstances but sometimes I wish to know if he is truly happy with the decisions he made in his life. My ex looks very healthy and very happy when he sent me a video of himself while vacationing in my home country. He looks very at peace. And honestly I was jealous and it irritated me a bit. I shouldn't feel this way and I should be happy for him but I can't help but remember the things he made me go through.

I would be happy if you could share your what you went through a couple of years after divorce. How was it for you? I know everyone is different but I think if helps a lot to see any similarities knowing you're not alone in this.

[marvin4242]

DF fwiw I had similar feelings and on rare occasions I can still feel that way and I am 7+ years out. It does vary with people but I believe it is absolutely normal to have these "moments." We who actually were emotionally present and had formed a bond with our spouses can't just simply "turn the ship around" as the metaphor goes. It takes time. But I will say where I am today and for the past few years my W just doesn't carry that kind of heavy weight and I no longer feel sad and alone as I used to in the first few years.

So hang in there, be kind to yourself. Maybe you are not ready for a relationship, maybe it was not the right person. I have been with the same person for 5+ years now and I know that it took a while to get closer. But then again she is someone who is constantly growing and working her side of the street as it were.

As for the MLCer my W can have moments where she looks like her old self, even happy. But I have semi regular contact with her, and we talk regularly and she is still stressed, unhappy and searching. I don't believe that their pain and damage just simply can go away.

[Nas]

I'm scared to be happy because Im scared something bad will hit me afterwards. 

This to me is a really big important realization. It’s one that resonates a lot with me, not so much being parentified, but being adultified and very much robbed of childhood. So that, along with I’m scared to feel safe because the second I feel safe, danger always shows up. I realized that the only times I ever felt safe, I made myself feel that way, it was not from an external source, and a lot of my life was not safe, and that’s why feeling safe with another person is harder for me. I am willing to be extremely open but I need someone who is willing to let me sometimes (not always but especially for big moments) fumble through a lot of tangled confusion to get to the core of what I’m feeling.

What’s happened for me through a lot of work is that I now realize that I deserve happiness and I deserve safety and security. Not only do I deserve it, I want it. I really want it. And I was always afraid to ever even say that out loud so that is a major breakthrough. So just a shout out from me for being able to make a statement like the one you made, because a lot of people don’t have that insight into themselves.

What changed for me is that I know that bad things do happen and could still happen but that doesn’t change the fact that I can be happy and I can be valued and if anything bad happens after that, it doesn’t negate my value or take away the happy moments that came before. It’s just that life unfolds and different things happen and whatever happens doesn’t wipe out what happened before. So if I have an experience and I’m happy in the moment, then whatever I was happy about has happened and nothing can take it away. I got to experience it. I will grieve its loss if it ends but I still had it and was happy during it. No matter what happens next, I had that happiness. So I really hope that I get to experience that. And I try (not always successfully) to avoid lamenting that I haven’t ever gotten to experience it.

The bad from the past doesn’t have to bleed into today. If you start there, it’s one step towards not being scared of being happy.

[JohnnyBravo]

On my side of the street, I have finally put a closure with the person I was seeing. I realized we really had nothing in common and I saw there was no future for us. I should have done it earlier but I was worried about hurting someone's feelings. It was a relief when I was finally able to do it.

I'm feeling ya there... I imagine we can be more sensitive to inflicting sadness on others after being on the bad end.

Now, I want to ask those who have divorced and have moved on whether with a partner or not. I don't know if this is still part of grieving or something is not right with me. I have been separated from my x for almost 3 years now and  divorced for almost 2 years now. And yet, I have these episodes where I feel very lonely and sad and to be honest  I miss having my x during these times.

Somehow I didn't realize that we are on such a similar timeline; I think I'm just a few months ahead of you. I still have moments like that and had one today, in fact. I don't even know why today's happened. It's usually when I go on a trip to somewhere new or experience something new, because XW and I liked to explore. Although that's also true of the last serious girlfriend I had before I met XW, so I don't know why I don't think about the girlfriend as much as XW. I guess because gf and I had key differences that made marriage a no-go, and XW was finally someone I could see being with permanently. I do have friends I hang out with from time to time, but it's just not that same connection.

I also have that fear of "the other shoe dropping" when things are going well. I think I tend to plan for contingencies or emergencies. I didn't spend a lot of money when I was with XW because I was essentially saving for retirement for both of us.

I don't have any answers, but am writing to say it's not just you.

JB

[Reinventing]

DF33,

Two years out was when I first began to have some days where I didn't cry. This all takes a long time, but it does get better.

[OffRoad]

I, personally, don't think grieving is a linear process. My father died in 1987, my sister in 2007 and I still have to stop myself when I want to share something with them or ask for advice. And then, of course, I feel sad. For me XH is similar since who he was for me no longer exists.

When someone was the person you normally went to, talked to, sought solace from and they aren't there anymore, it's sad. Sometimes there is no one else you can talk about some specific thing with. It leaves me feeling very empty and alone. I suppose a person who has found someone else that is their match would not have this issue, but I have yet to find anyone I trust. Or I have yet to trust myself. Couldn't say which, but it's hard to meet people when you work from home and can't get out much. Point being that you probably miss having SOME one that you can talk to or be with. It really would not have to be your x, but that is still your go to in your mind. Being sad when you feel alone is normal.

Is your question more do people ever stop thinking about their x? It depends on the person and situation. Or are you wondering how long before you stop missing your x? Or are you wondering if the empty space your x left can be filled in should you meet someone else at some time?

For myself. 9 years out, 95% of my time XH has no free rent space in my head anymore. It was 2 years to get to tolerable, and probably another year to get to I'm good without him. The time when they are doing that push me, pull you garbage doesn't have any healing in it, you have to wait to be done with what was, because that part of your life is past. Acceptance of what is was key for me.
 
 I do have two kids, so there is a small amount of time I am required to acknowledge his existence, but mostly he is just an annoyance. I don't happen to have anyone, but that is my choice. I do have friends, work, adventures and hobbies which take up a lot of my time. And when I feel lonely or sad, I either listen to sad music and let the feelings wash through, or go find something I like to do and do it.

Don't be afraid of being/feeling alone. Let it be a transitory thing. That way should the right person come along, you will know you are not just looking for something to fill the empty space. JMO, as always.