[marvin4242]

I want to say it is amazingly powerful that you can acknowledge what you need and desire. These are such healthy human needs to have and we all have them. I remember similar feelings in the early days. One thing I found useful was to try to have some of my needs met by others, I tried to turn my interactions and what I used to get from my wife from friends and others. No it wasn't the same and I had to turn to a few different friends, but I think it helped.

Be kind to yourself, and try to remind yourself you are no longer dealing with the same person. He can no longer be that special person. I still have moments this many years out when I want to turn to my wife, I just have to remind myself that there is no there there.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I want to say it is amazingly powerful that you can acknowledge what you need and desire.

I second that statement. It is funny, as simple as it seems, it is a very hard thing to do. For me, I have to really distinguish between what I want and what I need.

And sometimes, I do want his approval if I did something great that I know he will be proud of. This could stem from wanting that approval from a masculine person that I almost never had since my father left us very early. And the contact actually continued regularly when I realized he was not together anymore with his sporty OW. So could it be that I was hoping he would come back? Or I probably was testing the water if I he changed and if he really cared for me.

All of this is perfectly natural. What I admire is your own internal process on your motivations. The need for approval is strong, being seen, being recognized is important. I have often reflected how I was drawn in on my ex's "you saved me" dynamics and how good I felt as a "hero". Very powerful dopamine involved and I could easily be swayed. Years later, she called me, "Hello, I have a problem and I knew you would be the only person that could help me." I helped her, but not because I was the knight in shining amour, just helped and hung up. I never reach out to her at all. And just like you, that was for my benefit, not hers. 

I now understand why it took him days before he replied to me while he was being there. And I guess he's texting me because he has nobody here and not because he truly cares.

You will probably never know his true intentions, but just like us, he seeks validation in some form or fashion. However, he tends to check in with prior relationships as he did when he was married to you. He may still be texting sporty OW or at least trying to contact her- who knows? Maybe his outreach to your family was the same. To pull you back in. My ex tried to contact my parents afterwards, but they drew the boundary and asked her not to call them anymore.

I also agree that the contact serves him more than you. I can be completely off, but he does seem to be driven by a need to be recognized by all, past and present so that he feels that the new and old still "love" and "need" him. It is a drive that serves him, but not you. Think about it, he was with someone else while he was contacting you. Doesn't sound like someone "special" at all.

I am sorry that you feel missed because you come across as a very interesting and strong person. You live in another country and are thriving on your own. You come across as kind, caring, and confident. These are great attributes and trust me, the right person is going to notice.

Have a great weekend,

(((Ready)))

[MadLuv]

Very interesting interactions and thoughts that followed. I have to say I agree with everyone. I think it’s so hard to break that cycle of wanting to share with that one special person and if the one special person no longer exists and that old someone special pops back up there is a familiarity to share out of even just old habits. I think it’s great you blocked him.  He wants some of that familiar interaction. Who knows why.

He want’s to know you still care? He wants some relief from some recognized guilt he is feeling? Who knows, but he left and he doesn’t and shouldn’t have anything he so hastily threw away. It’s not bitterness. It’s growth and acknowledging that he hurt you and he doesn’t get to just slide back in as if he didn’t.

Someone asked if my XH came back would I take him back. I said of H3LL noooooo. It took a long time to accept he isn’t who I thought he was and now I can’t unsee it.

[Dragonfly33]

Thank you Ready and Madluv for your insights. Ready like you said, this is a pattern my ex husband does which is contacting his exes and flirting while being in a relationship. Out of curiousity I asked AI what could be the reason behind why people do this. And as ridiculous as it sounds that I asked AI, the answer did make sense to me. It is also asking for validation when a person is very insecure. Making sure that he is both validated by his present and his past without considering the feelings of his partner. My ex falls into this category. Another is what Madluv said, it's out of guilt for what he did. I remember when I confronted him about the first OW, he told me that he hurt her and they never really broke up properly blah blah. That's why he needed to see her (this was after 15 years of having not seen each other, exccept that he saw her secretly). Who knows what the truth is. Another reason is manipulation. He still wants to anchor and make sure he still has a buffer. This one resonates with me. When we were still married he used the ex gf as his buffer. Whenever we had a fight, he would contact her and pour all his frustrations on her asking for validation which of course she gave, hoping that he would come back to her. I realized he's using the same game with me. Now I am the buffer, his familiar space. I've decided, no matter how difficult this is (after so many years), I will not allow myself to be used as his safety net. He lost that privilege when he left me same as the privilege being part of my family. When you think I should be already over this since it's been almost 3 years since the divorce and 4 years since the final separation and yet here I am still part of it. But like you all said, perhaps it's part of growth and of moving forward. One at a time. I have no hate in my heart, but the hurt just doesn't go away. maybe not as much as before but it still stings. Hurt of being betrayed and being played by the person you trusted so much.

My exh has never changed, still the same person I married. This part of him is not just the MLC, this is his character. Like the saying goes, the leopard doesn't change its spots. He told me once myself, a person doesn't really change when I told him I will change myself so the marriage will work. He probably described himself at the time. I realized no matter what I do, bend forward and backward, he will never change. This is him. The person I believed I saw in my marriage was me trying to see the good in him and me being in denial. He had other good qualities, but he will always betray his partner. He is not trustworthy, MLC or not. Hard realization but I hope this is one step forward.

[Nas]

I’m glad to see you making this important choice for yourself. You can’t have an authentic relationship without intentionality. For that you have to know yourself well enough to know what you need to create a strong and healthy relationship and the other person also needs to know themselves and what they need and those need to be congruent, and it needs to be communicated - and the open and vulnerable communication needed to build trust requires the prioritization of fostering a space where people can feel valued and feel safe. Relationships don’t magically happen because they’re “meant to be.” A lot of people act like your ex, approaching relationships from the lens of what do I want/need and what can I get and how can I get it. He won’t just wake up one day and be a person who is intentional. Often it’s not even malicious, it’s just people meandering through life thinking life just passively happens to them, or for them, so they don’t understand that it does take purposeful action and intention to grow and maintain something real. Surface words or actions don’t equal real depth. And people aren’t a means to an end. People who value you make space for you, they don’t just seek you out when they consciously or subconsciously have a need to fulfill within themselves.

[titleholder]

I don't think I can add any more advice then that's already been given DF, but I think you handled the situation good and protecting yourself by blocking him is a wise choice for you and your sanity!

I can relate to the fact that also my xH seem to search for me in comfort and friendship in times of need. It's so weird that after all these times we're still up there somewhere in their braind and how hard it is for us to admit they're also their within us. It's not something to be ashamed of, it's just something that you have to know about yourself and stick to boundaries if necesary for your own good!

What a emotional rollercoaster is still is DF, hopefully things will quiet down now! 

[Dragonfly33]

I totally agree with what you said Nas. People who value other people make space and time for them. I think, if you always make yourself available for other people, they tend to take you for granted.

Titleholder, I think it might be a sort of muscle reflex. After all, we had been together with our ex for a long time. There is still that part of them that we miss and same for them towards us. For now, I think what's best for me is to have that distance. I thought about it a lot, what do I get if I kept in contact with him. I realized I was just acting the same old me. Praising him to make him feel good about himself although I don't really mean it to be honest at times. It just moving on harder as I started to become delusional that he changed. Then I realized he hasn't. In the end, you just get frustrated. On the positive side, sometimes it was fun to exchange texts with him. Right now, I just have the gut feeling to stop the contact as I just started to get involved too much. And like I said, I suspect he is seeing someone and I will never allow myself to be his buffer like what he did to his ex gf, the original OW, when he was still married to him. This is how his system runs. And I don't think it will change in the near future to be honest.
Besides, we needn't contact each other as we don't have any children. It would have been different if kids were involved like a lot of the veterans here.

So, for now I continue my journey moving forward.