[MourningDove]

Keeping with my music theme for titles, this one seems rather appropriate for me at this point in my journey.

I must admit had I heard this song, "Found You" by Kane Brown, many months ago, earlier in the MLC journey, it would have been something I would have pushed skip on my playlist. It might have sent me into a tailspin.

It is not even the overall context of the song that resonates at this point. It is that particular line in the lyrics. It applies to so much that has gone on in my life. The end of my marriage was only part of how much life has changed. D's graduation last weekend really punctuated how many things have changed. It is her finish line for her undergraduate and it is the beginning of a new thing for her and for me.

Those moments at the "finish line" don't just magically make you feel relief nor can you always see the path ahead. It has been so often, at least for me, where I seem to realize something has ended and I stand there not knowing how to always feel. Sometimes there has been fear. Sometimes there has been sadness. Sometimes happiness. Sometimes a whole ball of emotions. It takes time to really figure out what I am feeling or what the next move is. It often is after time passes when I look back and even realize I crossed a finish line at all. That was certainly the case in the MLC aspect.

I once was told by one of the other members of HS over and over again, that I would know if I was done standing, but it wouldn't be some moment where I would magically recognize it. If I was done, most likely I would only know in hindsight. This was something she told me when I would proclaim in exasperation "I am done" and she would laugh at me, in a very caring way, full well knowing that is not how it worked. She often would tell me I wasn't done. Man, she made me so mad sometimes with that statement. LOL. She was right. It was only after months of working through the emotions and slowly figuring out what I could handle at that time.

It was hard admitting I was done standing. I am not going to lie. I felt like a failure so many times. It didn't help that there were handful of those who would tell me I must not have loved my Xh enough. Or those who liked to jump on and say things like they never liked him anyways. None of that input helped. Most of the time those types of comments came from people who truly didn't really know me or my Xh at all, at least not well.

There was the feeling of failure I put on myself. Guilt that arose from being someone who really believes so very strongly in commitments. I had come from a long line of people in my life that modeled long, happy marriages that worked through the tough times, together. That was the part that took me a long time to get through my thick skull. It eventually takes both partners to reconnect. To want to work on the marriage. My Xh didn't want to work on himself, much less a marriage he was running from.

The difference also was it was not just the marriage in my case that he ran from. He ditched a life he had established. Leaving behind the kids, especially D. Leaving friends he had for years. Just the other day, I spoke to the best man from our wedding. Xh and that man were best friends. Thick as thieves right up until MLC hit the doorstep. Now - crickets for no reason except Xh disappeared from this friend's life. There was no disagreement, or growing apart type of moment. It was just Xh dropping off the planet with people who he loved.

In some ways it makes some weird sense. I don't think it excuses it, since it is something that could be addressed. That is a wish I hope someday comes true for Xh. The wish that he would address his abandonment issues and it is why all of this makes some odd sense. He has ditched everyone who cared for him before anyone abandoned him. It is why he so desperately hangs on to the family that did abandon him in the first place. Again, makes some weird sense and I am not saying that from some professional assessment. It is based on knowing his family history for years and the dynamics I see him replaying with D. It is right out of FIL's and MIL's playbook.

But, at a certain point, I found myself at a finish line with my marriage. I have forgiven myself for not being able to hang on. It was not healthy for me. It was no longer what I wanted and that part is perhaps sad to admit.

Most days I don't really give a whole lot of thought to MLC the same way I once did. It is as I have likened it to, a novel that sits on my shelf. I can look back on it, but I don't need to reread it.

Why it is maybe on my mind a bit today is for two reasons. One, I heard that song this morning, literally after someone mentioned what would have been my 30th wedding anniversary coming up. I haven't really given it a thought other than when someone mentioned it last week. Today's question someone tiptoed around as they know it is coming up soon. They wondered if I was upset about it. I sort of laughed, which perhaps sounds callous to someone who doesn't really know me. I loved my Xh fiercely. This was not some laugh of somehow dismissing what that relationship meant to me, but it is in the past. I am not upset about the anniversary. I grieved the relationship and frankly my focus is on what is in my life now.

Sometimes the finish line is the start of something new rings very true for me. I am so grateful for some of the things and people in my life now. I stood at that finish line waiting for Xh to show up for a very long time. If I had stayed there looking back to see if Xh was coming down that path, I would have perhaps missed what was in the path right in front of me. I am so glad, I started to move forward.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11998.150

[Dragonfly33]

What a nice update MourningDove. At some point, you'll have to move forward while accepting that our spouses aren't coming back anymore. I wish you all the best.

[UrsaMajor]

It's one of those times when we (the LBS who is done and moved on maybe) looks back and thinks "What we had was nice, loving, great, wonderful despite the issues but what the 'person formerly known as Spouse' has transformed into is not anything that I want or need in my life.

We can grieve what we had and what is gone (and that takes however long it takes) but stand around waiting for that past to come our way again when the other person shows no interest in doing the work THEY need to do to overcome their demons seems like a waste of time to me...

Doesn't mean that we are bitter or filled with rage or hate. It simply means that we (the LBS) has chosen to make our own healing and our own lives a priority and has begun to do the things that make us happy in our lives...

[Dragonfly33]

Totally agree with you URSA.

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor & Dragonfly33 - 

I had "a moment" when my anniversary was brought up again. I must admit I had a moment of weird feelings about it when the reality really hit of how it would have been 30 years we would have been married. I was in fact struggling a little, I will admit but not for the reasons some assumed.

My struggle was brief, and a little odd in that it took others pointing out my anniversary was upon me. I honestly hadn't really given it a whole lot of thought. When I had the wrong day of the week, as in the date, my sister laughed a little. I was not upset by her laughter, because she said I have come a long way from being the woman who was often just functioning by focusing on fifteen minutes at a time to cope when BD hit. Or the second BD. Back then, I held on to every date, every memory, every moment in hopes of trying to resuscitate something that had died at BD. Xh was not the man I had married and still isn't. Grieving hadn't started because at that time I wasn't able to accept the reality. And, I realize that was okay. I was in shock.

Looking back, I can now see things a bit clearer. The on ramp to the crisis. It doesn't really matter at this point beyond I have learned a whole lot about myself and in truth I knew way back that Xh was going to hit a wall, I just didn't anticipate his full meltdown. I figured I could weather this storm, as I had in the past. I could have maybe handled him being upset with me, but I never saw him ever leaving the kids or just throwing that part of his life away the way he has. That made the whole situation completely different.

The truth of the matter is, the part of this particular anniversary that sort of jarred me was that I wasn't upset by it. I wondered if there was something wrong with me for not remembering the date. I had the right year, but even then, I had to calculate the number of years. It struck me as a bit odd that I wasn't somehow mourning what would have been some big milestone. Instead, I was focused on what was in my direct path and I was very happy about that.

It took me a bit to realize that it doesn't mean that I didn't love my Xh in the years we were together. That is the part that maybe a few others seemed to wonder since I wasn't somehow needing time to cry about it, or have some moment of silence. It was actually all very bizarre - the feelings and the assumptions of some others.

Explaining to some that I don't want my Xh back is tiring. It doesn't mean that what I had wasn't important to me or I regret it. I do have moments though where I wonder why I stayed in it so long during the MLC years. I beat myself up a bit for that, yet, in some ways I think in my case it is what needed to happen for me to fully walk away and know I was done.

Since that date, the anniversary that wasn't, I have been busy. The weekend that would have been my anniversary, I instead was enjoying company and frankly I kept them a secret from my family. I have to admit that is not something I am good at nor necessarily, want to attempt again. I just wanted them all to myself and I didn't want to have to somehow make time to stop somewhere and have coffee with this one or that one. It isn't that I want to keep them from my life or a secret, I frankly don't know how people who sneak around do it. The tip toeing around is a bit tiring and I still had responsibilities I had to deal with that dragged me away more than I wanted to be gone. I will admit though that having them to myself, aside from running into people I knew all weekend, I liked. I guess my lesson to myself is it is okay for me to want to have those selfish moments.

The days since then have been a little hectic and at times chaotic. I have been very busy with some home projects that needed tackled. I seem to make a pilgrimage to the home improvement store every few days and I am having moments where I feel like I haven't done a thing, yet, I also find that I am encountering moments where I have to pinch myself and remind myself that I have actually made as much progress.

For the most part, the pace has been good for me and I have been really quite happy most days. Today was no exception, TBH. I woke up with a pinched nerve and was in agony, but I was in a good mood. I rearranged my day so that the meetings I had throughout the week lined up today and tomorrow morning so that I could keep let the nerve rest and still accomplish some things. I came home and found myself sort of hit with a strange feeling. IDK what has brought it on, tbh.

I am having one of those self doubt moments. I have always been comfortable in my own skin most days. Usually I can pinpoint if something makes me beat myself up. The self confidence plummeting happened during MLC, and I sometimes think that still creeps in when it didn't before.

I do know it is in part due to being really tired today. The pinched nerve woke me up in the middle of the night and my fingers felt like someone was hammering on them. D was up and helped me stretch (having someone with PT in their background has it's perks - LOL) to try and alleviate the pain. I was in tears and D said that is not like me at all. I have a high pain threshold so she knew it had to be bad.

Part of it is a conversation that occurred with a student who stopped to see me. They wanted to run something by me because they know I will play devil's advocate if asked. I knew from the moment she told me what was going on there were some red flags, but I didn't tell her what to do. I knew she knew what was the problem from the moment she started to tell me the scenario. She needed to voice it and process. I was happy to help, as she needed the sounding board, but it was a tough conversation for me, as it stirred up some feelings that I had to fight through after the MLCer arrived on the scene.

I will push through it all and find some inner fight, but it is hard sometimes to not let those feelings take hold. It is in these moments where I don't like the solitude. I will shake off the feelings of inadequacy and somehow move on from it. When I got home the same student sent me a text and thanked me, telling me how much she and other students appreciate me - that I am a rare breed and kind beyond compare. I know her text was heartfelt and sincere, and it was nice to hear, but right now not even that is making a dent. Sigh. Maybe a good night's rest or some bolt of lighting will strike me and jolt me. LOL

[UrsaMajor]

When I got home the same student sent me a text and thanked me, telling me how much she and other students appreciate me - that I am a rare breed and kind beyond compare. I know her text was heartfelt and sincere, and it was nice to hear, but right now not even that is making a dent. Sigh. Maybe a good night's rest or some bolt of lighting will strike me and jolt me. LOL

One kick in the pants - coming up!



Read that text again and let it sink in....The only person that you might b "inadequate" to is a Mid-Lifer... or maybe yourself.... As the text proves, you are MORE than "adequate" to the rest of the world... even if you do have to sneak around to have some private time with your guest....

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - a kick in the pants is a change from the 2x4 - but either is appreciated. LOL

I won't pretend I had a good night's sleep helped and I woke up in a completely different frame of mind. I am better, as I only woke up in moderate pain last night and slept a bit better.

The universe did intervene today on my behalf. I originally was supposed to have today off. Then the neighbor asked me to help them for a couple of hours, which would have been fine. Last night, when I was really at a point of just wanting to crawl into bed and move past my mood, my phone rang and it was the college gallery and there was an emergency staff change. It is part of my job to coordinate that and I already anticipated I would end up having to cover. I was accepting that possibility and changed my day around late last night. It was not a day where we could just shut down according to my calendar based on what was supposed to happen in regards to an artist bringing work to install today. I reached out to confirm that with the artist and didn't hear back. I tried to put a positive spin on it all by convincing myself I would just go in and use the time to knock off the paperwork I am really not wanting to deal with at the moment. Yes, procrastinating on some stupid thing that will take maybe a half an hour - I will address it. It is just a stupid process of duplicating things over and over when it makes no sense at all even to the people in that office. It is just how it has always been done is the mentality - bureaucracy at its finest - LOL.

At any rate, I fell into bed and just felt drained and it was this morning I was laying there and realized it is the usual exhaustion and feeling needed. Feeling needed is a nice feeling at times. Yet, if I hear that one more time from someone in the mood I am in today, I might scream. Yes, being needed is something I do appreciate, but I have found myself in that bit of a stretch the past few days where I have not really had time to give myself a break from that role. It didn't help that at the other gallery, I was training a new person - who is great, but it was not what I needed in that moment. The pain I was in didn't help. Basically, I failed to take care of myself and be a bit selfish for even a tiny bit of time - or at least enough to make a difference. I know - it is my constant quest and one I don't do well with.

But, the feeling that I had a hard time overcoming is one that sounds perhaps "needy" and it isn't meant to be. I know there are those that will say they don't need anyone to make them feel wanted, etc. Or they don't measure their worth that way. IDK - I find that I am a person that does like to know I am wanted more than needed sometimes. I needed to feel wanted or like a thought beyond "hey I will call MourningDove who will help me work through this or will have an answer". I don't have all the answers, that is for sure, but I have a knack for trying to figure out who might or for problem solving. It is a good quality, I guess, and I don't often mind helping. I just sometimes don't speak up for myself and say, "not today - I can't". I didn't have the bandwidth and I could feel myself getting to that point.

And, while I like having some time alone, it is never about me wanting to be alone all the time. I can find things to occupy my time and I do need time to sometimes sort things out or just to change gears, etc. I like a bit of space, but I have learned I have to not only ask for it, but I need to be clear that most times I usually just need half an hour or an hour. Once in a great while, I need a day to myself, but beyond that, I honestly work through things pretty quickly again. That was something I was able to do pre-MLC. I can't say that was the case while I was in the thick of things or after, but it is something that has reemerged.

So, this morning, I found myself waking up really early and I could have been up and out of the house by 6 to go for a walk. Instead, I decided to just feel the warm sun shining through the windows and skylights of my room and embrace the silence. Until my phone rang and it was the artist I had contacted last night. They have decided Saturday, which was the other option works better for them to drop off and so I am off the hook for the day. Then came the other text from the other gallery attendant who said they could cover the shift. I found myself suddenly free for the day.

I pondered calling the neighbors and putting that back on the calendar. Nope. Yes, they need the help. I will help them next week. I realized I needed something today and that is I need just a day to regroup and get out of my own head. I was starting to take a walk down Monkey Brain Lane last night. I really hate that path.

I saw my neighbor was next door and walked over to bring him a batch of brownies. I laughed when I handed them to him because I said he needs to be honest because I know he has a terrible sweet tooth, but he also is diabetic and I bought a box mix that is supposed to be sugar free, but I couldn't vouch for the taste of this one. He laughed. Seeing him helped me immensely in terms of a reset.

He had apologized for mowing the lawn so early last weekend. I told him it was actually really funny because, I was in fact awake and his mowing pattern confused me, as in he usually does his lawn or mine first and I know by how close the mower is. He had decided to both at the same time and mow across the property lines, which makes sense. I said I would hear the mower and then suddenly it was way in the distance for a long time. I told him I don't know how to ever thank him for taking care of that for me, as S has the tractor in pieces and working on repairing it. Parts have been on backorder. My neighbor said it is honestly the best thing for him. He enjoys it and allows him to be outside but nearby. He apologized for setting up his camper in the yard and was worried it was an eyesore. I told him not to worry, but I wondered if that had some other meaning. He shook his head and said he doesn't think he will make it to a campsite anytime soon, as he isn't sure his wife can manage.

He always has a smile on his face and he so adores his wife. It is such a refreshing thing to witness. He said he has learned to cook and she tries to do the dishes. He redoes them and doesn't complain because he said she does not remember how to do them anymore as she mixes up the steps - as in wipes them dry first and then washes them. She can't do any basic math skills any longer and she was a whiz at math. He then said she has quit doing her makeup. I must have given him a look of shock. He has never been one to say anything bad about her not wearing makeup and this was not that at all. He knows I have known her long enough to know she was not high maintenance, but I never saw her leave the house without some makeup on, at the very least mascara and lipstick. Her hair was always done. I asked him if she was worse. He shrugged and said the doctors told him she has stabilized for now - she isn't getting worse, but she certainly won't get better. He set up the camper outside so that she will come sit outside with the grandchildren and two of his 4 kids will come to stay overnight in the camper, even though they live close by. The other 2 avoid coming home and I am sure it is in part because they can't really cope with the reality of the situation.

Maybe seeing my neighbor gave me another needed kick in the pants. He is handling being needed with so much grace and love. I know from conversations with him that his life is no longer like it was and he is starved for attention on certain levels. It is never a weird conversation for either of us. He knows I understand and he has said countless times that my Xh is an idiot and they were close friends. He told me his wife did not chose to get dementia and he knows his time with her may be short, so even when it means he has to sacrifice he will. It means that things around their house don't always get done and now there is a camper in the yard. It made me laugh and I told him if that is his worst offense, then I think I can handle it.

I won't see him again for weeks probably, beyond a wave when he gets home from work or drives by. I did tell him I was going to have D help me find a recipe for tiramisu which I know is his absolute favorite as I know his birthday is coming up. D was happy to start looking when I mentioned it to her. Her comment to me was it was nice to have someone nearby that is so committed to his wife and truly loves her. I agreed it is nice to see.

D left for her a job interview and called to tell me about it a short time ago. She has a second interview tomorrow with another potential employer. She leaves for her trip soon and gave me more details about that, as in where she is flying out of - LOL. She also mentioned she is thinking about taking a trip when she gets back to visit a grad program and then drive on to visit BIL 2, who she has avoided now for a bit. They talk, but it had been strained after he at one point a couple of years ago felt she was the only one who could help XH. It was the one time my BIL and I had words with one another. I recall telling him it wasn't fair for anyone to put that on her shoulders. Yes, maybe Xh needed her, but he didn't make any of it easy for her and at some point he needs to help himself to really make any difference.

Now that the day has opened up, I am going to take some time and actually work outside in the gardens. I have other things I probably should do, but it is beautiful outside and I need a change of scenery. I have even prepared myself for the possibility of Xh driving by as it is his "normal" meeting day in town. I will behave and not flip him off, but I am at least not going to let his potential presence knock me off kilter more than I was last night.

[MadLuv]

 

Looking back, I can now see things a bit clearer. The on ramp to the crisis. It doesn't really matter at this point beyond I have learned a whole lot about myself and in truth I knew way back that Xh was going to hit a wall, I just didn't anticipate his full meltdown. I figured I could weather this storm, as I had in the past. I could have maybe handled him being upset with me, but I never saw him ever leaving the kids or just throwing that part of his life away the way he has. That made the whole situation completely different

  I can relate to this as well. I knew my XH was struggling. I thought it was grief and job pressure and I was willing to suck it up and fight for my family. I think now I see it a bit different. I try very hard not to rewrite my own history, but honestly I put up with a lot. I think we do have to go through it all. Know we tried everything. I am beyond saddened to see who he has become and in all honesty he was just a better man when he was with me. They attach to humans worse and so they become worse. You are who you associate with. Thats how I look at it.

30 year anniversary came and it was not as tough as I thought it would be. Now, when I found out much later he remarried on that month I was utterly devastated!! Each hit really does makes us stronger. It’s all starting to feel like a lifetime ago. The marriage and family together. Thats sad, but a much calmer place to be!

[UrsaMajor]

UrsaMajor - a kick in the pants is a change from the 2x4 - but either is appreciated. LOL

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - LOL. Yes, I have said it before - you should get a raise.  : )

MadLuv- I admit this has certainly tested my strength and there is a lot of things I now maybe see that lead up to the whole crisis.

I do admit that there was a time when I began to enable Xh during the crisis. That was a huge mistake on my part and allowing my FIL to move in, when it was never supposed to happen that way. He was going to stay a short time and fine his own place originally. Instead FIL liked having meals cooked, etc and I didn't push back enough when I knew it was really a huge mistake. I convinced myself maybe it is how FIL and Xh would resolve the FOO issues. I sacrificed way too much of myself during that time.

That said, in my case, in spite of the problems my Xh may have let get out of hand, I can't say I experienced a situation when I made him better. I would never have even dated him if that were the case. I know there were things about him that many women would tell me that they could see the attraction, but he was very high maintenance in many ways. I accepted his perceived flaws and didn't try to change him. We were for a very long time known to others as a very dynamic couple that were good for one another and partners. We respected our strengths and weaknesses. It was really only when he quit talking about his childhood issues and bottled them up that it really became apparent other things were bubbling below the surface. I knew I couldn't fix them, but I hoped he would work through them and I just adjusted.

I also really have no idea if he is happy or not or a horrible person. Is he the man I knew and respected? Not as far as I can see. I could probably make a better assessment a few years ago when I would see him, but I honestly only know about blips here and there from interactions very rarely or through what I know about from primarily S. I try very hard to not know a thing about him if I can. It is impossible to cut him out completely due to the things like him driving by and because we live in the same region or because of the kids. It is going to happen. I was recently asked if he is still with OW. I have no clue. I don't really care one way or the other.

The OW - she was a special, very manipulative type of person. My issues with her really have to do with the games she began to play with me and my kids. She is not fully to blame though and I keep that in mind. My Xh was not some innocent child in this situation. He made a choice, not once with her but twice. That was my line in the sand in regards to that second BD and even then I was considering standing.

I know that there are marriages where one makes the other one better, or people will say that. I have heard that from some people in regards to my marriage. I just don't have that perspective. I also don't buy into it because in my case, I know that Xh's family has a very different take on it - aside from BIL and in their scenario, I am the one who drove us into financial hardship and was selfish, etc.

Maybe it is that I have gotten to a point where I - as, in my own situation - no judgement on anyone else - I really don't think it benefits me to believe I brought out the best in my Xh. Did we compliment one another - yes. But, he was a very talented, capable, independent person before I came on the scene. That was part of his appeal. He had his $h!te together. Sure, he had quirks, but they were just that. He went on to become a very wonderful H for a very long time and a very involved F who adored his kids. He did so many things that I really attribute to why my kids are as grounded as they are. It was not the MD show all the time.

The problems arose when it just blew up. My F, who thought of him like a S has said it over and over again - he just doesn't know what really happened to Xh. It makes little sense, even though he too said he can see when the problems arose and it all basically goes back to things in Xh's life that he never really dealt with properly - primarily abandonment and grief. Bottled it up and it just was too much pressure.

Someone commented not long ago that I probably would pick on someone similar to Xh or go in a completely different direction. It made me stop a second and laugh because they don't know me very well. Sure, there are probably some similar aspects if I somehow went down some check list, but I really haven't done that. My sister, when I told her she laughed. She said the similarities are there in tiny blips, and the most important parallel she sees is that this person has their own things and I do and we allow one another to be individuals. Xh was very good at that prior to MLC. There are maybe some other things here and there, but by in large what she sees is I have someone that likes to do many of the things I like to and I have a calmness about me in terms of the relationship at least most of the time. That is, that when I am around them it is easy to see that I am at ease with them and with who I am, and not in some boring way. A contentedness. She said we clearly have some fun adventures that Xh would have never done - like hiking some impromptu place, etc.

And maybe that is part of why I don't really put too much thought into how Xh is now. He could be back to parts of his core and blissfully happy. I do know that what I have seen is a person who I would have never even considered dating if he had been like he is now. It may be in part because I have changed too much. It could be he has. If OW is around, maybe she brings out things in him that are bad or good. I can't speak to that. I do know I am certainly not going to be inviting the two of them to my house nor would I want to see them together. That would still probably trigger me. I know that is possible.

All I know is I have moved on to other things in life. It is not always easy. Like tonight. I am going to an event by myself and I am excited on one hand, but really not looking forward to going alone. It is not easy navigating things alone. It will be a nice event, but I really would prefer to go with someone. Yet, it is not an option and I refuse to just bow out because  Xh felt I wasn't worth hanging around with any longer. It is his loss in many ways, but maybe more from the standpoint that he blew up his entire family to get his freedom and happiness. I know that on Sunday, when S has decided not to go see him and is taking my F out for the day instead, it probably is not exactly how Xh pictured things going. But, I am not sure - maybe he has made plans of his own.

And for the record, I take no joy in S not spending Father's Day with Xh. It isn't like a win for me. I do understand that there are situations where kids are kept from one parent out of spite and kids are manipulated. It saddens me more for my kids than Xh and that is solely because the kids didn't get a choice. I did my best to keep those lines open for Xh and he made the choice. The kids - they are now making choices based on Xh's actions. Things I have no control over. From that standpoint - I know that this version of Xh is not the same version I knew many years ago. This version is a very different man than I ever knew.