Reinventing, UrsaMajor, & MadLuv -
Looking back now, I see that there was no winning with whether or not I cleaned off the MLCer's car of snow or not. Like so many of the moments in that time period, it was going to result in "damned if I do, damned if I don't". Had I not cleared the snow off of his car while I was out there, I would have fallen into his narrative of being a thoughtless, and selfish person. Then when I did clean it off, I was manipulative. None of those words would have come into play prior to this whole madness as it had always been something we did for one another for years. It is why the gaslighting and changes in behavior really shake most of us to the core, IMO.
And there have been plenty of those moments over the past few years. The only change I can vouch for is the changes in myself and my reactions. IDK where Xh is in this journey. I have my suspicions and some blips of information that come in from time to time.
For instance, this year S is watching former SIL's house again while she travels. So, I see S very little and as it is he is staying near Xh, when I do see S, he will sometimes confide in me. I don't ask because it is not my business any longer, especially since the kids are adults.
A couple of weeks back, S called me and said he couldn't come for dinner midweek, as he had been doing since Xh had taken a job and someone needed to go feed Xh's dog. I paused a bit and S told me that Xh is struggling financially and was offered a job in addition to his one client, but it was a long commute. When he told me where the job was, I knew OW was probably involved, as it is in her town. It is a good thing it was a phone call because I know I rolled my eyes and sarcastically "oh this will end well"
. Xh lasted a two weeks. It wasn't for him - working for someone else. Hmmmm. You don't say.
That is my LBS response to the scenario. The truth is, it is sad. I don't feel bad for Xh, but it is sad to see such destruction, when I know what he is capable of and what he had prior to blowing up his life. This is what he wanted though it would seem. He had worked to build a highly successful business from the ground up. Had a second one launched that he could have sold, but chose not to. His MLC had kicked in by then and his partner in the business suggested they sell it, but MLCer's ego wouldn't let go of it, so instead, he just quit doing anything with it and it died a slow death. Then came the out of no where decision to fire all but one of his clients because he wanted to travel and then it was build homes for people in third world countries, followed by other ideas.
The thing was, I was always telling him to ease up and we could live a simpler life. I saw how he was pushing himself to burnout level leading up to the first BD. We both had always been workaholics prior to having kids, but somewhere, I learned to adjust. I think it was really when the kids were born and I knew I couldn't have it all. Xh and I decided at the time I was the one who could walk away from my full time work status and spend more time at home. I never gave up my own things, but I adjusted. Xh was good about balancing his work and home life right up until MLC, but he sometimes needed reminders.
What struck me was S telling me the other night that Xh quit working on another idea he had and it was gaining traction. I remembered, as I had joked about changing the QR code he had on his vehicle, with a sharpie marker. He had that project ready to launch and go full tilt. And, I have to admit, it was a brilliant idea at the time. S told me that Xh just suddenly lost interest in it. Again, he could have sold the business and had offers. He didn't protect it and now someone else is running with it.
It doesn't bring me some sense of joy or vindication knowing any of this. It could be Xh is very content in his life as it stands now. For me the conversation with S didn't bring me anything new to the table. It has become somewhat odd to realize that back when the whole cleaning off snow from Xh's car time period, I would have held on to every word and dissected it, hoping I could somehow figure out some way to help Xh and put things back together. I so desperately wanted things to go back to "normal".
I had to put a pause on my quest to clean out paperwork, etc, as school started back up. It has been a very hectic start to the semester. It will level out, so I am not concerned.
This morning, while waiting for a meeting online, I pulled out some papers to go through and in the mix was a small slip of paper with what was something I had written out. I know when I wrote it and it was in the middle of my work day and I was in my office at the time. I needed to clear what was going on in my head so that I could return to class. I had a meeting with the attorney the next day, regarding the divorce I certainly didn't want at the time. On that slip of paper I described how I felt like life was so completely out of control. I likened the feeling like being pushed from an airplane and realizing the main parachute malfunctioned. The feeling of free falling and trying to get the reserve chute to deploy. Once that deployed, then having a bit of a feeling of relief only for a few seconds before finding myself entangled in a row of trees just dangling above the ground.
The feeling at the time was such complete unease. Dizzying at times. Thinking I was never going to feel like myself and I would just spend life twisting in the wind.
Yet, somehow with a lot of mirror work, time, patience and a whole lot of other ingredients I found myself in a whole other place.
I certainly could make some comment about how if only Xh had done the work, or had hung in there, we could have worked through it. The thing is, I am not sure I believe that now. That is, I am really beginning to believe that the universe or God had other plans. Xh's freewill changed the trajectory. I had a choice to make. Stay the course or change. I opted for the second - kicking and screaming at times. For me, it was the right decision to make.
Sometimes the finish line is just the start of somethin' new
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