[Treasur]

What I hope you took from this conversation - and can use it as a reminder of you forget - is that what happened, and the end of your marriage and change to your family, really truly wasn’t about you or caused by you. You did your very best but, for whatever set of reasons, you were working one-handed. I suspect that matters to you and that it will matter to you in the future.

What I will sound a small parp-parp warning signal about is to beware others trying to pull you into any kind of triangles or roles that are not in your best interests. Those realisations your xh says he’s having - and they may or may not stick or translate into actions, time will tell - are imho no longer much your business. They may matter to him, or his mother even….but he is your xh now, not your h or partner. Right now, he is not even your friend bc there is little or no reciprocity. So maybe keep an eye on what feels appropriate or useful in your new role as an xw or even as a Co-parent? Just bc someone wants to talk does not imho mean you are obliged to listen. Things change when you are an xw surely? And that will probably get clearer with time.

But perhaps remind yourself that if supportive listening and your opinion made no real difference when he WAS your husband, it seems pretty unlikely that it will make much difference now. And it is perhaps rather selfish of him to think he should still be able to use you for support….particularly as I suspect he was completely unavailable to you in your own recovery process…..he is where he is bc of his own choices, he will either do the hard work on his own stuff as an adult or he won’t. Either way, beyond your control or responsibility, I’d humbly suggest? And his wanting to talk to you tbh might even be a return to an old pattern for both of you which no longer fits the realities of where you both are or keep you stuck in a role that no longer works for you.

Out of interest, what were you thinking when he said he wanted to talk to you? What do you think he was looking to get out of doing that? And you? What would have happened if you had said some polite version of No? Not suggesting this is some huge ‘fail’ on your part lol, just flagging it as something to keep an eye on maybe if it becomes a new pattern. (I suspect you might feel something about it linked to going he can be a better father? But that desire also creates a tender spot through which you can be manipulated, intentionally or otherwise, into playing a role in his psychodrama that may not serve you well. And tbh, is that a job, the build a grown up father task, you want to take on for the next 16 years? Jmo)

[Imgood]

Hi Titleholder, with the recent movement with your exH, I’m wondering, does he know you’ve been seeing someone since December or does he have no idea?
I’ve seen some movement in my sitch recently. I definitely think my exH knows I’m doing just fine without him!

[Dragonfly33]

I with everything Treasur said. Keep your distance, otherwise he will suck u back into his drama.

[UrsaMajor]

Stay Tuned for the next episode of


<Yes, I have just dated myself - sigh>

In the grand scheme of things, if you are done, then his "newfound epiphany" is rather irrelevant in terms of your personal situation. If it helps your co-parenting situation though, I would count that as a win as long as it doesn't toss a monkey-wrench in your gears....

[titleholder]

Thank you for your respons Treasur!

Out of interest, what were you thinking when he said he wanted to talk to you? What do you think he was looking to get out of doing that? And you?

I'm still looking for answers and perhaps closure. What he was looking to get is the same thing as always; me understanding why he did what he did. For me it's indeed a confirmation that what has happened has little to with me or our marriage but a whole lot about him. I have sympathy for the things he's battling but not the way that he decided to deal with his inner demons. On the other hand it's frustrating because to me this were all topics we could've battled together, but he choose not to. He's still a teenager trapped inside an adult body. He's making some progress but he's nowhere near the end..

Hi Titleholder, with the recent movement with your exH, I’m wondering, does he know you’ve been seeing someone since December or does he have no idea? I’ve seen some movement in my sitch recently. I definitely think my exH knows I’m doing just fine without him!

He knows I'm dating and I know that he's not all too excited about that. Good to hear that there's movement with your xH and that he sees you don't need him. I'm curious to see how our situations will develop..

I with everything Treasur said. Keep your distance, otherwise he will suck u back into his drama.

Truer than true Dragonfly! For now I needed this conversation for me, but talk-time is over for the next couple of months. It's his job to figure himself out.

n the grand scheme of things, if you are done, then his "newfound epiphany" is rather irrelevant in terms of your personal situation. If it helps your co-parenting situation though, I would count that as a win as long as it doesn't toss a monkey-wrench in your gears....

Hahaha king of gifs back at it again UM ;-)

It does help me some bits, but it's also firetrucking with my sanity again. So talky-time is over for the next couple of months. He has to figure all this stuff out for himself and I see things getting clearer and the blame getting less, but he's still using everything to validate him leaving his family. So he's still got some goooood old thinkin', therapy and 'rock-bottomin' to do!

[Singstein]

Your story is really in some ways similar to mine (H age; things he said about how he feels in his life). It sounds like you are doing well now and I take it as an inspiration 

[titleholder]

Your story is really in some ways similar to mine (H age; things he said about how he feels in his life). It sounds like you are doing well now and I take it as an inspiration 

Thank you Singstein! And you’re always welcome to DM if you want somebody to talk to!

[titleholder]

Hello friends!

I haven’t been here in a while but I still read along with your stories as they give me strength and wisedom. I’ve decided to keep on journaling for my own comfort but also to record my journey as a forward moving LBS.

Sooo a lot has happened these last couple of months. I broke off my relationship with the man I was dating. For me a valuable lesson and boundary out of this experience is that when a man has a  history of (severe) depression: I’m out. Maybe this is a really harsh statement and I don’t want to offend anyone, but I realised I can’t deal with the way of thinking that links to depression. I’m probably blessed with a ‘healthy’ way of thinking and a healthy coping mechanism, something to be thankfull for! But I really refuse to step in another relationship where I’m the one doing all the hard work, been there done that! 

Next to that I sort of experienced a touch & go with my xH. I wasn’t dating and he and the OW broke it off. They went on a holiday together but this was a total disaster and my xH ended the vacation after two days and went home. We talked a lot, about him, about me, about our relationship and the relationship we both had. Nothing physical happened, but the emotional connection was there again. I sort of went in with no expectations but quickly realised I got sucked in on his rollercoaster. I know this isn’t considered as ‘wise’ as my xH is clearly still far in the tunnel but I decided to open the conversation; what are we doing here? Why do we have this kind of contact? What’s the meaning? This ended up again being a really confusion conversation where he stated that he really cares for me but … (enter MLC blabla here). He even stated that I'm the only one he can really talk to about what he's going through right now. What the hell..? He really likes the life with low responsibillity for our D and that he has a lot of free time to do what he wants. That I have the exact opposite of that doesn’t even accur to him. He’s still only focused on his wants and his needs. I saw glimmers of my old xH, but quickly they were gone again replaced by the selfish MLC’er. During that conversation I discoverd that he and OW were back on, so after a moment of clearity off in the tunnel he goes! So boundaries are in place again and dark/dim contact. I think this really was my last straw of hope. I know MLC takes a long time but I just can’t take it anymore.. I think he'll never grow up and face responsibility.

Me and D2 are doing really well! I feel that my healing journey is going along quiet well and I’m enjoying the little things in life again more and more (this has always been my strong suit). My xH isn’t capable of bringing me out of balance that easily anymore. I really look forward to the Holidays and my D turning 3 in december! Me and her are having an awesome life filled with family and friends and I look forward to keep building that life together with her.

Love! TH

[Dragonfly33]

Titleholder, it’s nice to hear from you. It’s good to hear you’re able to distance yourself from your H. My xh is similar to your ex in the sense that this year he would still try to pull me back in his rollercoaster. Like on my last bday , he sent me a card telling me he’s sad and crying every night because he missed me. All the time he was with his OW. Also this summer he replied to my email by closing it with Love, his name. All this time he was vacationing with the OW. So as much as possible try not to het sucked in again in his crazy ride. Continue your journey to healing. Now you knpw what kind of men you should be avoiding. That’s progress.

[FaithWalker]

TH, I'm thrilled that you will continue journaling your LBS life here.   

I hope you and D have a great Holiday season upcoming!