[Singstein]

Treasur this is a great explanation.  Genuinely.  Thank you for this.

That is so true! Treasurs  replies helped me a lot.

I didn't write anything during the last days because I am typing on my phone and hoped to be home soon to type on my computer, but oh  well, still at the hospital.. might go home (means to my fathers house) end of this week.
I didn't hear much from my h. But some things happened nonetheless: he went visiting his brother (the last thing he told me).  His siblings and me are pretty close, we really like each other. I reached out to his brother to ask him what he thinks about the situation - and he didn't know! My H didn't tell him anything and behaved like always. I didn't expect this. When being asked why I didn't come with him, he simply told his brother, that I am at my fathers place. His brother was totally shocked by what I told him and said he doesn't understand him. He never wanted to go back to his home country before. His brother visited me yesterday and went to see my H (without telling him he saw me) afterwards. He now wrote me that my H finally admitted that the relationship is not good right now“, which makes me furious. He doesn't even have the guts to tell him that HE out of the blue told me he doubts the marriage! It seems like he wants to shift blame and responsibility on me somehow. He also wrote me a text when I was meeting with his brother, just saying are you already in XY city?“ because he was suspicious his brother might visit me and wanted to find out, I am sure. Which I found hurtful. No communication for days and he doesn't even ask me „how are you“, it’s just about him and his feelings.
His brother told me today that he doesn't talk about me, just about his plans for future (going abroad, totally different jobs,…). He also said to him that he doesn't know if he still loves me or not, which he didn't tell me. His brother also said he acts kind of cold and distant, even to him. And he says he is like he was as a teenager; no communication, seems cold, like he really regressed into his teenage self again, like treasur said. His brother says he was so much more open and seemed happy since he was with me and that I had such a good influence on him communication wise and now it’s like his old self is there again. Also fits to having no core and adapting to people around him maybe?
I cried a lot today. My therapist here said it is okay to feel more  anger, because I kept on explaining his behavior with his family issues, life crisis etc. I try to balance it; but I can't be angry at the man I spent 8 years with, but kind of hate the man he is now, if that makes sense.
I have no hope that he will change his mind again; it’s like the man I knew is gone. I try to make plans with friends for the time after leaving the hospital, to have something to look forward to. I try my best to detach and focus on me only. I sometimes wish he at least would tell me he wants a divorce so that I am forced to let go of the last hope, for this hope keeps me floating in waiting all the time. If he doesn't even know if he loves me anymore and clearly doesn't care about how I am or what I am doing, why doesn't he just make the cut and end this torment? he also told his brother he knows what we had was special and that he maybe never will find something like this again. Please! If it would be so special, why would you just leave me like this??
I also think there might be another women or maybe just the idea of meeting other women, too. I try not to think about it too much.
I try to get as much help (professional and from friends) as I can to make sure I will not break down again and work through this trauma. I am proud of all of you reading this and answering that you dealt with your MLC situations so well!! It’s so hard, you should be very proud!!

[Singstein]

First of all, Singstein, I am so sorry for the loss of your dear father. You are not alone in experiencing a profound loss just a short time before BD. I also had a dear father, to cancer, who I had buried a couple of months before BD and also have no siblings. Others here were also bereaved or experiencing serious illnesses. It is part of the shock I think to receive such a huge rejection from the person you most trusted when you are already vulnerable.

So I want you to recognise that your natural system is affected by both….the normal grief of losing a loved parent and then the more complicated grief and confusion when a spouse becomes almost unrecognisable. I hope that your stay in hospital has given you a short breathing space and, as others say, please remember that navigating multiple losses is not a quick fix so you need to take the best care you can of your own physical and emotional health. And focus on the basics….sleep, food, fresh air, baby steps. Are you seeing a therapist as part of your ongoing support system?

That includes making big decisions about where and how you live and work and involve yourself in the rest of life. Where is your h living currently? Does your work allow you to support yourself financially? Do you jointly own your current apartment? Do you like living in the city where you live now? Do you have good friends who can support you where you live now?

As a general rule after a big loss, better to go slowly and steadily in making other big changes that are irreversible imho….having said that, please understand that grief upends us all for a while and it can feel like going a bit nuts….it did for me…..and that sometimes, surprisingly, building a different life after loss can help one see that a lot of things are less fixed or important than they seemed before. One has to trust one's own instincts, I think, and be very very kind to yourself. A decent therapist can give you a safe space to think aloud before you act though and that can be a really useful life jacket. Iota's a normal reaction to grief - BC it activates our fight/flight/freeze system - to find it hard to make decisions, or to long for a place to run away to, or to not want to change a thing. However that comes out in you, I would like you to accept that your ‘bandwidth’ is reduced right now….that this is normal after a big bereavement even without all the stuff to do with your spouse.and that it takes time to navigate that. And of course, as I recall all too well, death comes with a lot of admin and decisions, big and small, doesn't it, which are exhausting too?

I will come back and respond to the MLC/spouse stuff separately.
This post is more about you.
But I want you to know two things, spoken from my own experience.
You are not alone and you are not crazy BC a lot of us here have walked in the awful shoes you are walking in right now.
You are not permanently broken and you will not always feel exactly how you feel today even if it seems as if you will. There is a life worth having on the other side of this even if you don't quite believe it and can't see it yet. Your task at the moment is to survive and navigate this stage for long enough and with enough care for yourself until you get there. And you will. I didn't believe I would but I was wrong. But sometimes when you lose your own faith and hope and eneryou need to borrow some - you can borrow mine and others here. It kind of takes a village imho to swim through s$it and shark-filled waters when you are out of steam and have no idea of the direction to swim in 

I also wanted to answer the questions. We share an apartment (rent). It was my apartment (with a flatmate) before, so he should move out, and I guess he will. As I don't want to stay in this apartment or city anyway, I am sure about moving to my fathers house. That will be a hassle (800 km…); but I will deal with it somehow. I already talked to my boss and it’s okay for me to work from there permanently, thanks to COVID.. I went back to the apartment last Friday while he was gone and packed some more stuff, and I couldn't stand being there. With all those things we gifted each other, we bought the furniture together, painted the walls, … We were so happy there and now it made me sick to my stomach to be there. It is good to change cities, and I have a lot of friends in the city I grew up in. But thinking about living alone in the house (my mother has an apartment in another city; my parents always had two places) makes me sad. I am such a big relationship person; I never liked living alone and never liked being single. And with nearly 40… that will be my loneliest birthday.

[forthetrees]

Sending a cyber hug. You have a lot on your plate to sort out with just the logistics of moving and sorting belongings. The relationship piece is overwhelming but... you are taking steps to find your center/balance again. Maybe a temporary measure would be to have a housemate when you move into your Father´s house- that could dampen the loneliness factor while you heal. Know that folks all over the world reading your thread care.

[Singstein]

Sending a cyber hug. You have a lot on your plate to sort out with just the logistics of moving and sorting belongings. The relationship piece is overwhelming but... you are taking steps to find your center/balance again. Maybe a temporary measure would be to have a housemate when you move into your Father's house- that could dampen the loneliness factor while you heal. Know that folks all over the world reading your thread care.

Thank you so much!
I really was thinking about maybe getting a housemate; I will take some time to see how it goes living alone. This forum helps me a lot, so I see that others are having the same struggle and live through it.

[Singstein]

Okay; just journaling today…

I will get out of the hospital on Friday, stay with friends till Sunday and go to my fathers - now my - house on Sunday. Monday I will start working normal hours again. I hope all goes well and I can keep the Depression from growing again.
My H who just wrote to check if I met with his brother didn’t write much more. I stayed calm and neutral in my short answers, somehow mirroring him. Last time I did write more affectionate things (I miss you; I hope you are feeling good), but it hurt to get no real reply to this, so I‘d rather just be neutral in my tone. Now that I know through his brother that he doesn’t seem to think about me at all and is not sure if he loves me anyway, it hurts really bad but at the same time it helps distancing a bit, because the hope he would snap out of it (soon) is vanishing. I have the feeling he will be a vanished by the way, as soon as he moves out which he will, I don’t doubt it. Perhaps that is also easier in the long run for detachment. I still don’t want a divorce and I still love him (a friend ask me that yesterday - of course!) but it doesn’t change anything. Maybe he really has to find himself finally in life and maybe he will be happy. Maybe one day I do wish for him to be happy without me. Right now this is very hard.

[UrsaMajor]

Singstein (I had to laugh a bit at this as, in German, it would translate to English as "Sing Rock" and I have a hard time visualizing a person as a rock, let alone a rock that sings),

Not to be a Dobby Downer but a Mid-Life Crisis is not a sprint to the finish. It is, unfortunately similar to an ultramarathon Tough Mudder Competition and not every Mid-Lifer (I have no empirical evidence to support this but...) or even most Mid-Lifers will come out of the tunnel in a new an improved version that we (as a LBS that has done our own work of growth and recovery) are going to be much interested in.....

You are already doing the things you need to do to take care of yourself so you are clearing the first hurdles on this journey so good on you!

[WHY]

I have no empirical evidence to support this but...

I wish there was a way to formally and scientifically track the data around the stories here.  There's got to be what, 15 YEARS of history here!???  Maybe members can opt-in to a study and be open to follow ups about where they ended up?  I think it would be so useful to see this data, 10/15 years on.

The data from this site has PHD written all over it.  Someone just needs to unlock it.   

[Biscuit]

I guess for many Why that HS fulfills a need for support in a time of need and many posters don’t return here for many different reasons. Some may heal and move on alone or with another significant person and not want to return here as it may open up old wounds. Some may drop in but not want to update us on their progress. And then a few may reconcile and not want to return here as they are putting their energy into that.
There’s just not enough consistent data for anything but a theory on MLC on here!

[xyzcf]

There’s just not enough consistent data for anything but a theory on MLC on here!

There is no way to objectively measure data to be statistically significant. It is all anecdotal. There is no definitive diagnosis for MLC. RCR has done a great job of writing about MLC in her articles and blogs and I believe she might even have a book.

AND, regardless of whatever the stats are concerning "returns" it may not apply to you and your marriage at all.

So live life as though they are not coming back. You cannot base your life on "what if".

Even as a stander, I live my life as though he is never coming back.

I am not sure it would be ethical or legal to use any of the information here without consent from the poster which would be difficult to obtain.

[Singstein]

Singstein (I had to laugh a bit at this as, in German, it would translate to English as "Sing Rock" and I have a hard time visualizing a person as a rock, let alone a rock that sings),

Not to be a Dobby Downer but a Mid-Life Crisis is not a sprint to the finish. It is, unfortunately similar to an ultramarathon Tough Mudder Competition and not every Mid-Lifer (I have no empirical evidence to support this but...) or even most Mid-Lifers will come out of the tunnel in a new an improved version that we (as a LBS that has done our own work of growth and recovery) are going to be much interested in.....

You are already doing the things you need to do to take care of yourself so you are clearing the first hurdles on this journey so good on you!

Yes; the name was a teenager idea long ago; two names fused together; the literal meaning is funny, that’s true 

I don’t believe if my H finds happiness with his plans it will be with me, because he wants to move to other countries anyway. I just thought maybe he will be happy with it (and divorced), who knows. His brother doesn’t think so, but you never know.
Today I was thinking if it’s wrong that I basically withdrew from the situation. I guess otherwise we would both be in the apartment and have more contact. But at the same time I couldn’t bear to be with his new cold self sleeping on the couch. I was just thinking about it because most here let the MLC spouse move out at his own will. In my case I decided I can’t live there with him right now. What do you think about this? For me it’s better for detachment, but maybe it crushes all reconciliation possibilities? It’s just theoretical because I couldn’t go back right now. Every cold message he sends makes me nearly throw up…