[Songanddance]

Sometimes I wonder if its an MLC but then I read all of the signs of a MLC and she hits almost all of the points

If there is no OM and no sign of a PA then this might be a Midlife Transition.  Most of the signs are similar but an MLT is "milder" in terms of the overall view.   An MLC crisis is massive change and usually involves an OP at some point fairly soon after BD or at BD.

It is very possible that she is in MLT and the advice remains the same as it is still something that she has to work out for herself.

If you search Midlife Transition on here - I know that there were a few really interesting posts about it.  Whose thread they were on escapes me.

[Treasur]

So then she text me as ask me if I'm going tomorrow.  She didn't ask if I WANTED to go.  I just told her I would pass and left it at that.  One small step forward and three steps backwards.

Actually, I think you did well to respond that way and imho it marks real progress for your detachment which I hope you’re pleased about. So it may be three steps back for her but it is one big step forward for you….living subject to someone else’s mood rollercoaster is just too exhausting, isn’t it?

[Reinventing]

I was reading a study and found this language helpful to describe the self-work the LBS can do to help heal and strengthen themselves.

One group of depressed people did random acts of kindness for strangers and the other group confronted patterns of thought and behavior by retraining the brain--(i.e. strategies for detachment).

The random acts of kindness for strangers group had a positive outcome that waned over time, and the group that retrained the brain became stronger and stronger over time.

So both strategies are  helpful. One gives a more transient boost and the other allows the LBS a sustained strengthening.

My retrain the brain strategies were to have mantras I repeated for the day, the week, the month (I am worthy, I can do this, I will make it through this); stating gratitude outloud (I am thankful for the sunshine, for my health, for this dish in my hand); giving my brain a rest by picking a large number and subtracting 7 until I reached zero; watching Cesar Milan videos; watching funny "Just for laughs" videos; running, walking, swimming; learning neutral ways to reframe things (it was his time to leave); redirecting my thoughts; removing myself from social media for a time; grasping the concept that I can only control myself and how I respond by reminding myself of this over and over.

These may sound trite to some, but I began to realize that anything I did to detach my mental health from his instability and the instability I felt with this huge change helped me stabilize and return back to being a happy person.

And that was a good thing.

[Keyser77]

Sometimes I wonder if its an MLC but then I read all of the signs of a MLC and she hits almost all of the points

If there is no OM and no sign of a PA then this might be a Midlife Transition.  Most of the signs are similar but an MLT is "milder" in terms of the overall view.   An MLC crisis is massive change and usually involves an OP at some point fairly soon after BD or at BD.

It is very possible that she is in MLT and the advice remains the same as it is still something that she has to work out for herself.

If you search Midlife Transition on here - I know that there were a few really interesting posts about it.  Whose thread they were on escapes me.

I have been reading about the MLT vs MLC.  Neither are a walk in the park but I guess MLT is the lesser of two evils.  I'm too new into this to know for sure.  So far, no evidence of an OP.  I suspect and an emotional attachment to a much younger work associate but I can't figure out if its an attraction or some sort of a motherly deal.  She hasn't been the best mom to our kids the past few months so I don't know.  But as far as I can determine, there isn't an OP as of yet. 

[Baxter1]

K-
I think we all hope for MLT, as for not being the best mom we had that as well. Up until this she was A+ mom. I think they get so self centered that nothing else matters.

[Keyser77]

 wasn't sure if I should share this or not but I'm so confused and taken back by it, I feel like I need some opinions. I somewhat told part of the story so here goes........

The other night W brings up something to almost entice me into an argument. I don't take the bait and calmly talk to her. Tell her I can see why she feels like she does.  She storms off to bed, comes back downstairs to continue the argument. I am calm the the entire time and tell her I understand and validate her feelings. This goes on for about 5-10 minutes. She tells me to contact a lawyer because she can't do this anymore and she is done. I tell her I am standing for the marriage and if she wants a divorce, then she needs to proceed because I'm standing for this marriage. She storms off to bed and about 30-45 minutes later I get a text (I'm downstairs laying on the couch) asking me to bring her something. I figure its a test of some sort. I mean 30 minutes earlier she is saying she wants a divorce. I drop off what she ask on the table without saying a word and starting heading out of the room. She ask me where I'm going and I tell her downstairs. She ask if I want to lay in bed and watch TV with her. I am taken back by it but accept the invitation. About 5 minutes later she initiates sex. My W is super attractive and I am attracted to her so I don't turn it down. I sleep in bed that night and have ever since. The next day is a somewhat normal day but then the following day and every day since then (5 days later), she is back to be distant and doing her thing. I am following suit by keeping my distance and living my life. I guess there is progress there and I'm not trying to read too much into it. I know the MLC mind is all over the place but does this seem like normal MLC behavior? She even held my hand at one point in the middle of the night that night. She hasn't done that in a very long time. Two days later, the alien hasn't appeared but we not really talking either. I am so confused.

[marvin4242]

Not trying to be at all negative here, but please for your sake do not interpret any of this. I can give you a story almost verbatim with my wife, and it all meant nothing. I am sharing this from 6.5 years out, for the first 1.5 year this would have been almost a recurring event. I did my best not to read into it, and even at one point she even implied she is back, but poof, it just took 2 weeks to go from there to saying we should go our separate ways and I did not see her for almost a year.

I think it's great that you just validated and did not engage, well, until you did. I understand the temptation and wish for things to get better, but I would call jumping in "putting your hand in the blender." It may hurt a lot more than its worth. Hopium early on can be destructive, mainly to you.

It's hard, we all get it. But just stay detached, do not engage, even when it seems tempting. A day may come, later on, when she has stabilized enough where you are not being flung around on a whim, rather trying to actually reconnect. This probably is nowhere near that day.

Hang in there.

[Treasur]

There is another site, not as accepting of standing or MLC focused as this one, that says that these kinds of disordered folks have three channels - rage, self pity and charm. That they move between them at the drop of a hat in order to try to get what they want at a given moment. Even if all they want is to feel better in some temporary way rather than trying to achieve some specific objective by manipulating you. I suspect there’s a lot of truth in that.

Still nothing to do with you or about you though.
But it can be a bit of a mindf**k.
And as Marvin says no need to beat yourself up bc it probably won’t change anything much so probably doesn’t matter as much as you think.

What I will say though is that it’s worth reflecting in a quiet moment how ‘normal for normal people’ you think this behaviour is. Or your take on normal anyhow. Rage and  storming off followed by a text ‘command’ followed by snuggles followed by silent distance? Doesn’t seem like how a normal adult woman behaves to me….does it to you? If it does, well that might warrant some deeper reflection on what kind of women you want to hang around with and what you find acceotable. If it doesn’t, imho the best antidote to mindf**kery is to hold on hard to what you believe is normal and what is not. And perhaps to just say No Thanks to the not normal for you…..(and unless her legs have dropped off that might include not responding to those kinds of texts in future  )

[WHY]

Ha Key you've described what Im sure nearly all of us have gone through at one point.  I had the hottest, most intimate sexy time with W in 20 years when we went away for a weekend.  Then 2 weeks later I got BD/ILYBINILWY.  My mind struggled forever to reconcile this.  It just didnt compute.

I'll put it in the most simplest terms I can explain.  It means absolutely nothing.

[Songanddance]

An even shorter response

MLC..... say no more.

There is no normal in MLC or MLT.  None! 

As Treasur says - this is not normal behaviour by anyone that would be considered normal, rational and in full control of their faculties whether this is MLC or not.

Step back - see it for what it is - erratic self indulgent and irrational behaviour based on her needs and nobody else's.

It's typical MLT.