[Keyser77]

I am new here and have been spending a quote a bit of time reading posts and everyone's story's.  It is amazing how people from all walks of life can have such similar experiences. 

My question is regarding affairs.  I highly suspect an EA although no real proof.  I don't know about a PA.  Almost everyone is agreement that there is always an PA during a MLC.  It would be hard, although not impossible, for W to of had or is having one.  We live together and because of location tracking on our phones, I always know where she is.  My questions are:
1.  What is a rough percentage of women having a PA during MLC?  I know everyone is different but it just seems like everyone is convinced they happen.
2.  For me a PA would be a deal breaker.  I have asked her and she denied it but I guess I wouldn't expect otherwise.  I know snooping is a big no - no.  How else can I find out?  Do I confront her again?  Then that bring up R talks.  Some part of me thinks she would tell me because of how evil she has been for the past few months.  I really just need to know so that I can plan out my future and get off this roller coaster ride.

[Keyser77]

My situation -
I am fairly convinced wife is currently in some stage of MLC.  Obsession with appearance started a little over a year ago.  W-49 is very attractive and has been her whole life.  Recently she has shown some signs of again but still looks at least 10 years younger than she is and is beautiful.  She recently lost about 15 lbs so looks even more amazing.  She has started to dress what I would call a little more provocative.   She has done a lot of cosmetic procedures like botox, cold sculpting, etc.  Nothing surgical yet but everything else. 
I am almost certain she is having an EA with a work colleague.  I can't confirm that but it seems more than likely.  I don't have any proof of a PA but the thing that is most troubling is that everyone seems to think or suggest that whenever someone is having a MLC that affair is bound to happen. 
I was given the BD and ILYBNILWY speech about 6-8 weeks ago.  We live together with two children D-9 D-12 and I have a SS-27.  We don't share a bed together but have been physical since BD about 6 times.  We all go out together for dinner, shopping, etc. 
So some things are are normal but are not.  W is cold to me,  Does not talk to me very much.  Early on I did all the wrong things - chased, begged, try to rationalize, started cleaning around the house and taking extra steps to care for both our kids.  Some days I think things are fine and other days she is so angry with me.  Two days ago she got mad at me for a silly reason and hasn't spoken to me since.  She is taking our kids out today to do their own thing. 
The thought of living like this for a couple of years or more makes me sick to my stomach.  He had a wonderful life together up until about 6 or 8 months ago.  I don't really know when this started - maybe a year ago.  It could have been longer but the real bad stuff started about 3 months ago.  I want my marriage to work out but there has been so much hurt caused I don't know how.  I can stomach the EA if it were to end and it would keep my family together.  A PA would end this.
I do have an appointment with a lawyer scheduled that W does not know about later this month.  I was hoping that it would be an appointment that I would cancel.  The person at the law office says people cancel all the time.  I have a feeling with the say things have been going that this is an appointment I will be keeping. 
I am doing my best to start GAL but my life revolves around my kids and my business.  It doesn't leave a lot of time for anything else.  I do work out regularly and have continued to do so.  I am eating better.  I lost a bunch of weight after BD but I wasn't over weight to start.  I just turned 50 and look much younger as I am in well above shape.  Sleep has been difficult but I shoot for 7 hours.  There is a lot of tossing and turning with everything on my mind but I am getting some rest. 
This whole process is as difficult as anything I've ever faced in my life.  I have read so my similar stories and most of them scare me.  I don't know how some people can pick themselves up off the carpet.  I still find myself walking on eye shells and I know I shouldn't.  I still find myself doing things for my W I shouldn't.  I wish the alien that took over my W body would go back to whatever planet it came from so I can have my life back.  But I know no matter what happens from here on, that life I used to have is forever gone. 
edited into shorter sections because there are so many points here  and we can help you better S&D

[Father5]

Hi There,

    Welcome to the place no one wants to be in.  I too went through all of the things you describe only to find out sadly that the PA was real.  My advice is to plan for the worst and hope for the best. Only you know what you can and can’t put up with. The PA was a deal breaker for me until it wasn’t and that’s ok. 

    Assume there is an affair and I may differ from a lot of people on here but snooping is ok to protect yourself.  Getting a lawyer is a good start, know exactly what you think you can get. Understand it may not be what you expect or what she expects for that matter.  This way if she offers you an insane deal out of guilt you TAKE IT . 

  Sorry I am not much with words as others on here but this is a great place for support .  We are here for you please reach out for any help with this. 

[MadLuv]

Hello- so sorry you find yourself here. I am a little confused on yoru time time as you put 6-8 weeks for BD and then 6-8mths later. I think going to the lawyer once you get the ILYNNILWY speech is a must. Know your rights and options. Also, you are not getting answers from her and you appear to still be sleeping with her. If she is having a PA that could put you in harms way, so make sure you are protecting yourself. I think it is normal to have some snooping when you are specifically still intimate and married, but know if you get info and share how you got it they will learn to lie, cheat and deceive in a new way. So, sharing is not caring in this case for you. I’m sure some wise males will be along to help you with some wise advise. Just know that while in MLC they are capable of everything and anything you never thought they could be.

[Keyser77]

Thank you for your responses.  I sort of assume there is an EA but a PA would be too hard with two young kids and not spending any real time away without me knowing her whereabouts.  I would further assume if the PA hasn't happened that it will.  I would love to prevent it because that would be the marriage killer.  I know I couldn't go back after that.  I'm not happy about the EA but a PA is whole different level.  I'm so focused on a PA because it would be closure to the nightmare I've been dealing with.

[zartheit]

I would love to prevent it

Wouldn't we all. The bitter reality is that she is an adult that makes her own decisions. It is her choice on whether or not she engages in activities that may destroy your marriage. There is nothing (healthy, lasting, genuine) you can do about that. I am certain that she knows how you feel about affairs. It is up to her on how she will use that information (or not). All you can do is protect your mental health from what is likely the largest betrayal you've ever experienced, even assuming there hasn't been a physical affair.

The typical advice applies: detach. Detachment is more about learning to not take things personally, to not let her moods and actions impact your mood. It likely sounds impossible, but if you've ever ignored a homeless person's begging you're already familiar with the idea. The tricky part is allowing that for someone so pivotal in your life.

[KayDee]

Hello Keyser, sorry you are here, but you are among people who understand what you are going through and you'll get a range of support and information. Bear in mind, it's pretty hard in the very early days to take onboard much of the advice because you are right in the middle of a wild storm, trying to get your bearing with no visibility. I remember people speaking of detachment and to be honest I understood the concept, but the doing, well, really it comes incrementally with the journey that you are now on due to your W crisis. The first thing that I did, even before I found this fantastic forum, was to triage myself (I only see it this way in hindsight, of course    ). The three stations for me were 1) a period of no contact with my H 2) individual counselling 3) a solid base of 2 / 3 close people I confided in, who would check in on me daily, and to whom I could reach out to whenever I wanted. I also chose 'friends of the marriage' i.e. people who also knew my husband, because I knew I was vulnerable to extreme opinions, and needed people who would show some balance.  NC is not always possible if your MLC is at home, but you can develop a way to manage contact so that you are no the proverbial whipping boy. GAL - well, don't pressure yourself. You are in the early days, for now, getting yourself on an even keel is a really great start. You have started your triage by joining this Forum, so that's also really helpful. If you focus on stabalizing yourself first, then you will be in a better place to look at the marriage etc.  You make quite a few statements I kinda recognize, phrases about deal-breakers and closure etc. I was like this in the early days, all full of action and moving on. What I have learned, just over a year in, is how much my feelings and moods cycled. How many times I changed my view - swinging from anger to compassion, via despair. When you've stabilized yourself more, you will likely start to reflect more on your relationship, and you may start to have more nuance in how you deal with the situation. I personally knew my marriage was over at BD. The event blew the trust and innocence we had to smithereens. For me, there is still potential for a new R, but first my H needs to deal with himself, then the damage, and then there's work for us both. I can't even consider this for now, I am still coming out of my triage    I think. Things do slowly get better - try to focus on yourself and if you take the pressure off yourself to make any definitive actions, this will help your anxiety. You can chose at any time, that's within your control.

[Keyser77]

" but if you've ever ignored a homeless person's begging you're already familiar with the idea. The tricky part is allowing that for someone so pivotal in your life."


I really like this analogy of the homeless person.  I can actually relate to that one.  Thank you - I will try to keep that in mind!  I am doing my best to detach.  Its definitely harder when we live together with two small children.  But right now my W isn't speaking to me at all so it makes it easier. 

[Keyser77]

I am definitely new to all of this and with the amount of information I've tried to consume, I feel like my head is going to explode.  So many rules to follow, the do's and don't's of it all.  I struggle with taking some of the great advice.  Its easy to read but hard to follow through with.  My mood has went from anger in the very early stages of this to more despair, hopelessness and sadness.  I'm struggling to get out of that mode.  Anger is almost more protective for me but I'm trying to act as if and be more happy - positive.  I don't engage in the fighting.  W is giving me the silent treatment so I'm giving it back.  She is off to a work meeting with the suspected EA or PA person and I have serious anxiety over that.  If I'm being honest, its killing me.  I wish I could control these emotions.  Its the limbo of not knowing if the PA is going on or not that drives me crazy.  If I knew one way or the other, I could plot my course forward.  If I assume there is PA, which everyone tells me to do, then I would do and act differently.  Maybe that is the wrong approach but I know that the PA is 100 percent a deal breaker.  She recently blocked her location on her cell phone so the suspicion is even higher.  Any my struggle continues..........

[Baxter1]

I too had the location block and the anger, it’s been 5 months and I still don’t know where she  goes .I have at at home MLC W as well. We had about 4 months of just anger/monster her ignoring me and scoffing as I walked by. I’m still sleeping in a separate room, she got to keep the Masterbedroom.
Everyone is different but prepare for an awkward household. Sometimes they leave, mine tried to kick me out, twice. I held my ground and said we can’t afford that, my advice is to not leave! If she wants a new life she can have it but you can stay home with the kids. Mine is High energy, rarely home, party girl type. If you haven’t already check out the videos, they explain everything. Plenty of awesome people here who have been there and done that. I’m also a newcomer but if you have any questions we’re all here to help.