Very wise words imho from tmt.
The first being circling the wagons so to speak:
That includes do not leave your home, get a lawyer in place and get into therapy.
These things are to protect you, your rights to being with your children and to protect you financially. It doesn’t mean you have to file for divorce. That isn’t what I’m suggesting.
And
When faced with such a very huge thing take all the time you need to think it through. Not everything needs an immediate action.
It can seem as if this act/don’t act thing is an either/or choice when you feel the way I think you feel right now. But it isn’t. Someone else, I think, mentioned the concept of ‘triage’ and imho that’s what separates the two. It’s a bit like dealing with a massive leg wound and figuring out how to renovate your kitchen at the same time. There might be some effect of the first on the second, but it’s not as much as it feels it is usually…but it won’t matter if you bleed out, so you prioritise that. It varies depending on the specifics of our individual circumstances, that’s true, and I hope your appointment with a lawyer will help you to figure out your own triage list to circle the wagons around.
There is something called the ‘illusion of action’ and we humans are rather prone to it when we don’t know what to do. This is a confusing and painful experience and that can make it hard to trust our own judgement and hard to distinguish the difference between the conscious choice to do nothing as a constructive action vs being frozen in place waiting for some moment when we know the ‘answer’. I suspect they just feel different….the first always felt calmer and thoughtful whereas the latter felt more flailing and all consuming to me of that makes sense. Either way, I’d encourage you to go slow and steady and learn to listen to your own judgement again. And when that’s difficult, you can always borrow some outsourced thinking here like a spare hard drive lol bc we’ve all had times when we have needed that.
I couldn’t think my way out of a paper bag well for quite a while
In that spirit, I think you sound a bit ‘frozen’ to me. Perhaps bc you are pinning your choices on the PA thing as a kind of go/no go answer. Which runs the risk of creating a sort of mental double loop if that makes sense. One of the big contributors to that stuck feeling can be the belief that there is a ‘right’ answer as opposed to a ‘right enough for right now’ answer. Largely perhaps bc it requires us trusting our own ability to figure out the next right enough answer in as yet unknown circumstances….and the shock and gaslighting that usually comes along with this kind of life experience tends to give that a bit of a kicking until we find our metaphorical feet. I don’t know what you feel you would need to know that would be enough information to make your next steps clearer. Imho if you do, it’s a valid choice to consider ways to get that information….while also considering the effects of doing so. None of us here can give you 100% certainty about a PA. We can only tell you that from our own experience, it is way more likely than not in MLC and that if something quacks like a duck it is usually a duck and that your wife’s current behaviour looks rather like a duck. Oh, and that your wife is unlikely to be truthful with you about anything much so your ‘answers’ are likely to be more robust the less they are based on her input
I would encourage you to look at your situation through a lens that is a little less centred on the big PA question. To metaphorically zoom up and in on what you see in front of you. To ask yourself if how things are currently is acceptable to you, or not, or for how long, or under what conditions, as a way to live. Bc - putting the PA question to one side - I suspect there are a lot of things in your wife’s current behaviour towards you and your family and your way of living that are far from ideal in a partner. Zoom up to reflect on the wider picture. Zoom in to reflect on the day to day reality of what you see without distracting yourself with the whys and wherefores and what ifs.
A lot of times in life we don’t know, can’t know, things with absolute certainty about what is happening outwith our own reach….we make lots of decisions based on a kind of assumed probability, that a train will arrive on time or a car will start, with an unconscious back up plan of what we might do if it doesn’t. Anyone here who has experienced Anxiety with a big A (and most of us have at least for a little while) know that what tends to go haywire with an anxious mind is less often about whether the train will turn up and more often about our fear that we will not know what to do or be able to cope if it doesn’t. So, imho, anything we can do to build our own confidence that we will be able to figure a plan B out and that we will be able to figure out some as yet unknown way to be ok if it does matters. Seeing a lawyer is part of that process - well done - but I would encourage you to take the time to reflect on how to rebuild that confidence in your ability to discern what the ‘right enough for right now’ answer is for you in your current reality. And we will cheer you on regardless of what choices you make that seem to be in the best interest of you and your children
T: 18 M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg
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Advice - Please