[Acorn]

My last thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11811.0;all

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Hi all,

Some time ago, I have indicated my desire to occasionally share with you how we are doing after reconciling.  So, here it is.

We are doing very well.

Our bond is steadily growing stronger.  Our friendship continues to deepen.  I’m guessing that is not particularly noteworthy because the deepening of bond and friendship is found in many human relationships; friends, siblings, extended family, colleagues and, yes, even among divorced couples. (IRL, I see many examples of separated/divorced couples who are good friends and share deep affection for one another.)

When we were reconnecting, I could see the possibility of H and I becoming BFF but was not sure if we could become a married couple deeply in love. We feel richly blessed and are thankful that we have gone beyond BFF (a necessary step, nonetheless) to become lovers fully committed to each other. 

To get to this point, there were many concrete and consistent actions that built trust, respect and commitment.  It’s our couple lifestyle — not something we wish to abandon ever because we have learned not to take our brand new relationship for granted after going the fire of H’s major crisis.

At the centre of those relationship/love building actions is the golden rule, ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  And, always, it’s a two-way street. 

Sample of one.  Of course! 

Have a great weekend, everyone!

[thissucks7788]

Hi Acorn!

This is great to hear! I'm going to go back and read your story.  My H has been home for about a year, and I would say reconciliation has its own set of pitfalls.  What is some of the best advice you can give during this process?  The ability to trust again is a real toughie for sure.  Any concrete things you two have done?
Appreciate any insight.
B

[Nas]

So glad you’re continuing to update, A. I like what you said about the difference between strengthening the friendship and strengthening the relationship. You can have the former without the latter but you can’t have the latter without the former. But you can’t have friendship at all with someone who isn’t present (I don’t mean physically), open and also committed to deepening the relationship.
It takes some level of vulnerability to build a relationship of any kind, and I can only imagine the kind of work it takes to rebuild a new marriage after a crisis. I could never be friends with my former husband. The hardest thing for me to realize after BD was not that HE was never who I thought he was, but that I was never real to him, I was whatever his ego needed me to be, and he never intended to really know me no matter how hard I tried to be known.
Your story always reminds me never to settle. Loneliness alone is hard, but not as hard as loneliness in a relationship.

[Acorn]

Thank you, 7788.

I can certainly share our philosophy/attitude that helped us with reconnecting and reconciling process.  (Of course, variables such as personality, mental/physical health, life experiences, philosophy, emotional maturity level, job/economic situation, and numerous other factors would come into play.  Hence, sample of one!

- This (rebuilding marriage and family) is going to take time
- Focus on doing our best today and don’t waste energy gazing into the crystal ball.  What will be will be. 

One of the concrete actions we took was to spend lot of time together travelling, visiting many places familiar and new.  Shared experiences helped immensely with bonding and making new memories. 

Above all, we counted our blessings.  Together. 

[thissucks7788]

Thank you Acorn! 
B

[Acorn]

Thank you for your comment, Nas.

The hardest thing for me to realize after BD was not that HE was never who I thought he was, but that I was never real to him, I was whatever his ego needed me to be, and he never intended to really know me no matter how hard I tried to be known. Your story always reminds me never to settle. Loneliness alone is hard, but not as hard as loneliness in a relationship.

It sounds like you are describing an aspect of narcissists — spouse, friends, situations, etc. are merely the means to an end, and they are used to boost his ego and to fulfil his own needs without much regard for others.  Kudos to you for digging below the surface and see the uncomfortable truth of your relationship. The digging revealed his core and, as a result, you understand yourself better, too, I’m guessing. ((((HUGS))))

It takes some level of vulnerability to build a relationship of any kind, and I can only imagine the kind of work it takes to rebuild a new marriage after a crisis.

Many moons ago, H and I had a few chats about rebuilding and agreed to appreciate and enjoy each day and not get caught up in analysis paralysis or ‘trying too hard’ which may create tension and bring disappointment. Yes, we had been trying a tad too hard for a little while and that felt rather contrived and stressful.

This relaxed attitude perhaps explains why our rebuilding process did/does not feel all that onerous. It’s actually a lot of fun - it’s like dating and falling in love all over again. 

Sample of one, as always! 

Have a great week.  Go and live well! 

[Yo]

Hola Acorn!
Is great to comeback to the forum after a year and find your posts first thing! I am very happy that your life is going great next to your H.
I think that what you said about being BFF is one of the most important things in any kind of relationship since trust, forgiveness and acceptance are necessary to build it strong.

We are working on it also, very different than I thought because we don’t live together and honestly is something that was not in my mind because of the old style traditions that I have as a Latin woman, but it turned the right way for us so far!
For me to keep growing without the distraction of his process and for him to keep working on it.  This way we have been capable to start all over again but in a wiser version because of the experience.

Anyway, I just came to let you know that your journey, advises and wisdom have been most of the important things to have in my process! Thank for that! ❤️

[FaithWalker]

Thanks for dropping back by with an update Acorn!

[Acorn]

Thank you, Yo and FW, for visiting my semi-dormant thread and commenting!

…..

As Christmas and a brand new year approach, I would like to send you hugs and my very best wishes.  May you find joy and peace within your heart.

My husband and I are planning a festive dinner with our children and their significant others on Christmas Day.  It will be a simple dinner, consisting of our family’s favourite yummies.  And that includes a pasta in creamy sauce with truffles and brandy, and teeny tiny pizzas!  (Did I say turkeys are overrated?  )

…..

Interim report:

Today is our 37th wedding anniversary.  We are deeply grateful for this blessing.  How we can be together after all that happened and destroyed during H’s crisis is beyond our comprehension. We give thanks to God.

Before I forget, H shared with me a few weeks ago (a glass of wine helps lubricate his tongue!) that despite all the wrong and nasty things he engaged in and the intense primal urge to leave everyone and everything he had ever known in his life, there was an even deeper awareness that leaving me and children would be a mortal error.  That was interesting to hear; even though he expressed it in one form or another before, this time it was more direct and succinct. 

I’m happy to share that our love and appreciation of each other is growing — imperceptible on daily basis but clearly discernible over many months and years.  Our relationship is definitely not a carbon copy of pre-BD.  Previous DNA of R was nuked at BD and a new set grew out of our reconciliation process. We have learned an important lesson of not taking each other or our relationship for granted and, as a result, we try to focus on making conscious choices in our words and actions to be loving, kind and respectful to each other.  ‘Loving is a choice’ is not a cliche, I suppose. 

Sample of one, obviously.  Anecdotes are not statistics; confirmation bias distorts reality; theories, beliefs and assumptions are not equal to truth, etc. You know the drill…

(((HUGS)))


 

[FaithWalker]

I am so glad your H had that deep awareness that leaving would be a mortal error.  I am sure he is feeling blessed that you were able to ride out his storm and stay as well.

Merry Christmas Acorn.  Your festive dinner sounds lovely!