[Ichoosefaith]

Hello

I wanted to know with the timeframe of MLC does it start at BD or when in hindsight I notice the pattern such as two years ago wife decided we needed to move across the country even though earlier that year she said the house we lived in was our “forever home” and then when we moved she decided to ditch her long time career in the medical field and start trying to start her own cleaning business. But BD was 4/20/23 when she said to me there is no us if I continue drinking ( which yea I was drinking and isolating in depression especially once we got here and I had no family or friends ) however I have been sober since that day and she has gotten mean and pushed me away and said things about how she’s always taken care of others like her siblings and our children ( which the first was born when we were 18 ) and are now 34 and she needs to put herself first and not worry about others feelings and needs to prove to herself she can build a life for her and so on. She has flipped a switch in the past two months and treats me like she hates me and posts nothing but mean things that don’t need posted online for public and even makes it appear that the entire relationship was all bad and I am the enemy. Everything I say she takes as an attack in her. I went back home to Arizona to give her space and talked to her about it and she said it would be good for me to be around my family and give her space and 4 days later she says she never asked me to leave she asked for space and I left and that I’m not putting her needs first so I come home next day and she says it disgusts her that I change my actions based on her needs. Which is the exact opposite of what she said the day before. I can’t even talk to her about kids or work schedules without her treating me like I’m interrogating her by simply asking if she works the next few days. She says “ you don’t need to know what I work” even though we currently live together and share two kids who require transportation for various things. It’s a real nightmare but I’m standing. Even through the divorce I choose to stand. Because I am her husband and I have loved her for twenty years  and I will no matter what good times and bad. And the few years of horror this will be is nothing compared to the 20 prior and the 20 to come ahead of us. But please let me know my time expectation if it starts when her behavior and the weight loss and sleeping in the afternoons and stuff like two to theee years ago or if it’s from when she told me. 

Thank you

[UrsaMajor]

Hi,

I moved your thread to the "Our Community" board because it was actually posted into the Archives.

As far as your questions go, the initial stages can start before Bomb Drop but, as a matter of principle, we start looking at Bomb Drop as the real start.

However, having said that, stage watching (looking to see a timeline as to what stage the Mid-Lifer is in at any moment in time) is about as helpful as putting a screen door in a submarine. Every MLC'er is different and their timelines will be different.

Some of the things you have noted (switching their minds on a dime, saying one thing one day and the opposite the next) tend to be hallmarks of MLC because the Mid-Lifer is needing to justify their actions and by revising history, they can do that in order to assuage their own conscience.

Just a pointer for the forum, you might wish to format your posts with more brakes and so on as then it is easier to read and to respond to.

UM

[Baxter1]

ICF
The weight loss, hating me, needing space been there done that. Changing their minds about stuff is also parti of the fun. Welcome to the club, you found a good place here.

[Ichoosefaith]

Hey guys and gals

6 months in from BD and D filed. Is there anything I can say to her to show her that after 14 years together and 21 years of friendship that starting a life apart isn’t the answer that we can rebuild together and change the things she’s unhappy about. That she doesn’t need to do this in order to find herself and “ stop worrying about every one else’s needs” as she said. She said she’s always been a caretaker her whole life her siblings and then having kids at 18 so “she’s putting her feelings first and not concerned with everyone else. Everyone else will be fine. I’ll be fine kids will be fine”.

Please let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do to make her come around or if it’s literally a waiting game. Everything I do or say she either gets aggressive or completely ignores. That’s the hardest part over twenty years and now I can’t even talk to her.

Any words of advice or how to get through. I have read a lot and I know “detachment” but I guess that’s hard for me to do.

Thank you,
ICF
BD 4/20/23
M 35
H 34
D 15
D 10
Together 14 years married 12

[UrsaMajor]

IChoose,

 This thread was also in the Stories 2023 Archive and was locked so I have moved it to the "Our Community" Board which is the correct one for running threads and unlocked it so you can get replies. The Our Community Board is where your story should go. The Archives are used once a thread hits 150 posts or has gone dormant for so long that it falls to the back of the pack.

Regards,
UM

[KayDee]

Dear Ichoose, so sorry you are experiencing this, it is one of the most crushing, bewildering and traumatic things that can happen to a person. There are lots of great people on this Forum, people with more experience than I, with just one year under my belt, who will likely jump in and offer solid guidance. One thing that struck me that I wanted to respond to (and I wrote something similar on Helps thread:

That she doesn’t need to do this in order to find herself and “ stop worrying about every one else’s needs”

She won't be able to 'find' herself, if you are finding (fixing) things for her. And it could cause some resentment. I know it's hard, but she needs to discover for herself what she is missing. I know it is easier said than done, but try to resist any form of fixing or rescuing at this time. Your journey now is take care of yourself, you will be suffering mentally and physically. Triage yourself with whatever support it is that you need to keep you on an even keel (close friends, family, IC etc) and try as much as you can to step out of the fall-out of your W's crisis. You can keep to your values by being kind and showing compassion, but you must prioritise your health first aka put your oxygen mask on first. Sending you hugs of solidarity.

[UrsaMajor]

Ichoose,

KayDee hinted at this but, as a matter of course, you have 2 major issues to deal with - the first is, of course, your own well-being - your health (both mental and physical), your financial well-being (Mid-Lifers can spend money like they are printing it in their basement), and your own general life. The second is that you have 2 daughters that are both in the house. They will need to see/experience SOMEONE as the "stable" parent and your Mid-Lifer is NOT going to be it.

Trying to "help" your mid-lifer to "come to their senses" or to shield them from the consequences of their own actions will be quite counterproductive. In fact, there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to persuade/coerce/guide your mid-lifer through their crisis. You have just as much chance as changing the path of a tornado by going outside, standing in the way waving your arms and yelling at it.....

You will be MUCH better served (as will your kids) by getting your happy rear end into your tornado shelter, hunkering down and waiting for the storm to blow past you. That means securing your finances, securing your own mental and physical health, and providing stability for your kids.

This is an invite to a party that NO ONE EVER wanted to attend but here you are.

This group is comprised of people from all different walks of life, different countries, different backgrounds, different ages, different orientations, etc., so if you post, you will be likely to find someone online that will replay/respond in relatively short time.

Be good to yourself and remember that this is NOT your crisis, this crisis has NOTHING to do with you or your marriage, and you have NO influence on it - This is her issue (are her issues) to deal with and work through. You can decide if you have your own work to do in the mean time (most of us do) and now you have the opportunity to do that work.

Finally, this is NOT a sprint to the finish.... It is an ultra-marathon slog through the mud with no guaranteed outcome. The objective for the LBS is to live their lives to the best, regardless of whether the Mid-Lifer ever gets their head out of their .... fog.... or not.

[Treasur]

Hey guys and gals

6 months in from BD and D filed. Is there anything I can say to her to show her that after 14 years together and 21 years of friendship that starting a life apart isn’t the answer that we can rebuild together and change the things she’s unhappy about. That she doesn’t need to do this in order to find herself and “ stop worrying about every one else’s needs” as she said. She said she’s always been a caretaker her whole life her siblings and then having kids at 18 so “she’s putting her feelings first and not concerned with everyone else. Everyone else will be fine. I’ll be fine kids will be fine”.

Please let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do to make her come around or if it’s literally a waiting game. Everything I do or say she either gets aggressive or completely ignores. That’s the hardest part over twenty years and now I can’t even talk to her.

Any words of advice or how to get through. I have read a lot and I know “detachment” but I guess that’s hard for me to do.

Thank you,
ICF
BD 4/20/23
M 35
H 34
D 15
D 10
Together 14 years married 12

The short-term simple answer is No.
For whatever reason, your wife has decided that this is the path she wants to take. She believes she will be ‘happier’, thinks she is freeing herself from obligations and telling herself the kids will be fine. And probably doesn’t care much about what you think or how you feel or indeed if you will be fine. (Although you will, we can promise you that, different but fine, after some pain, effort and hardship unfortunately)
Time will tell whether she’s right or not. Usually the ‘magic happy’ does not turn out quite the way they think. (You should be prepared though for an affair partner to bd likely lurking somewhere….it is very rare for this not to be the case in a situation like yours, I’m sorry. )
But all of that’s out of your control….her life lesson to learn either way.

It isn’t just a choice between trying to persuade her she’s wrong or waiting though. Waiting for an uncertain unknown isn’t a very good way to live. And if she is indeed having some kind of personal crisis, you could be waiting for years. And her behaviour may get much worse to be around until or unless it gets better…..and it is common that as our own perspectives evolve too with time and events. You may not know how you will feel in future, but I can promise you that you will not always feel exactly the same as you do today. You can choose to Stand, but it is not waiting imho. Standing is rather more about not making the situation worse through one’s own actions (like rushing off into a new relationship, or taking to the bottle, or pursuing a wife who does not want to be with you, or reacting unwisely when your emotions are high)….more like closing a door but choosing to keep it on the latch. Most of us here started by Standing and learned to trust that we would know when or if it was time to stand down.

I am of the opinion that once a divorce has been filed, your landscape changes irrecoverably. And it is wise to do what you need to do to adapt to that. What does that mean? Grieve and accept the end of your old life and marriage. Take legal advice on how you can reasonably and fairly protect yourself and your kids.  Prioritise taking care of your own wellbeing and that of others who are damaged by your wife’s choice. Say very little to your stbxw about your thoughts and feelings….partly bc you are in a legal process where that can be unhelpful, partly bc she does not want to hear what you have to say right now, partly bc it keeps the focus on her instead of on your healing and rebuilding. Start training your brain to separate out what is your responsibility and what is not, what is your ‘job’ as a coparenting future xh and what is not. (It’s not uncommon for MLC stbxw’s to want to fire you as a husband and also think you will fix their car or do other husbandly chores. Or indeed want your sympathy when/if their new magic happy life turns out to be a bit harder than they thought  )

Essentially, start figuring out how to live ‘as if’ you are already an independent person who is no longer married to your wife. That takes a bit of time and a few mistakes along the way usually after so long together……but it can also be a time when you learn quite a lot about who you want to be and how you are going to choose to live your life from here on. Not one of us here would underplay the grief that goes with this level of loss….not just losing your wife, but all the other changes and losses that come along with this kind of life-altering experience. We have been there and we get it.

Bc this is hard….although we will always support you….you may want to think about getting an IC or coach to help you move forward the best you can. And a support system…not so much perhaps for talking about how awful things are, but definitely for keeping you attached to the good things of life….friends, family, new activities or interests that can bring positive feelings in the midst of what is possibly the hardest time of your life so far. Do you have that?

So, given all of this, what are you doing to look after yourself right now? What are you doing that helps you to show up in life as the kind of man you want to be regardless of what your stbxw thinks or does? What are your specific priorities? Or fears? How can we help you to navigate forward from here?

[Baxter1]

ICF-
I’m going to jump on and agree, the first few months are horrible. After a while you get into a groove, the way I did it was spend time with the kids and do my own thing. Ive gone bowling, hiking, out with the guys, traveled, whatever works for you. Enjoy basketweaving? Go for it! Birdwatching? Why not?

Also focus on the kids, her headspace is on herself, not you, not kids, just her. My wife was the best mom, now she goes out and doesn’t come home for days, if I wasn’t here the kids would be hungry and the house would be a pigsty. I agree with UM, you need to be a stable force for the kids, because for now she is not that force at all.

It took me a while to see that this wasn’t a marriage issue. I thought if only I hugged her that time or bought more flowers this wouldn’t be happening. It’s an MLC issue and all you can do is stand back, with compassion and empathy, but stand back.

[Ichoosefaith]

STBXW is adding random single men on social media like every day both in our area and our hometown where we are from across the country. I’m guessing I am not supposed to bring this up to her?

I see all these guys profiles and they all say SINGLE and she is just adding them on all her social media all the time and it’s killing me.

What do I do?