[Biscuit]

Salad,

My W said something similar - even before she met OM. 'I'll find someone new and so will you Biscuit and then we'll all go on holidays together like Gwyneth and Chris Martin' (and have to listen to Coldplay as well while we're on the beach Mrs Biscuit? - Double barf). She didn't suggest we all live together but last year was talking about 'integrating'  OM into our family - whatever that means.... I'm not sure he was so keen - he buggered off not long after!

It's just peculiar the fantasies these folk dream up.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Yes, they all pursue crazy, if not exactly insane thoughts. My ex stated, "I love you both." Sounds like a Lifetime special in the making. So, the question to the scenario is not what the MLCer requests, but how does one respond to such a mindset. I think it is a combination of empathy and setting a boundary. "I can see how having OW and me at the same time would alleviate a lot of the pain you are feeling, but it would only increase the pain for me and our child. Therefore, I would like to stop all discussion about OW in our home and if you continue to stay here that you cease all communication with her while you are in our house.  Thank you in supporting my request.

I’m sure though it’s not how he imagined it would be (because I don’t interact with the OW at all and just act like she’s not there). But then it’s not how I imagined it would be either. It’s been quite easy to ignore her. She really is nothing in my life.

In your situation, this is the truth. She is not part of your life. I know of some situation where the OW/OM is a family friend and that really creates a painful situation for all. Since you don't know her, don't make her part of your existence. Don't let her take up space in your head. She is not your problem, but has become his problem. Remember, he chose this route. Choices have consequences. Personally, I let OM occupy too much of my brain. It was all wasted thought and time. He is still in another country, I don't have a clue what he is up to,  and I really don't care.

Just know this that if it were not this OW, it would have been another OW. MLCers seek and the accept whatever comes there way when it comes to OWs. They are not special, they are not soul mates, and often, they are terrible people. Just know that the entrapment part is how the alienator makes the MLCer feel. "I know its wrong, but it feels right." "He makes me feel so sexy." "She needs me."  This list goes on and on. Making  yourself and your space safe from the alienator is a priority. This helps with your healing.

Have an amazing day,

(((Ready)))

[I Am The Salad]

Thanks Evermore, The Script is real. It's uncanny. These MLCers really are in La-La Land. My H is known for constantly thinking outside the box but this is one occasion where he really isn't. The bit you accidentally quoted is spot on. I think that's exactly what happened to us. Arrival of new baby shone a spotlight on all his FOO. I clearly remember the day I saw all the trauma hit home and me thinking something along the lines of 'uh-oh' (but more sweary). That was almost 7 years ago. Dunno if that's classed as a BD? Either way, there's been a steady decline in H's mental health and ability to cope with anything. The pandemic put a stop to any cpoing mechanisms he did have. Meh.

Biscuit, I've had the Gwyneth and Chris Martin comparison thrown at me too! Unfortunately I think OW is even more of a fantasist than H is...

RTFMF, I've had 'I love you both' too! You're right that OW is not a part of my life (thank goodness!). As she lives so far away, H has to schedule in his rendez-vous in our shared diary so I pretty much know how often they see each other - every 3 to 4 weeks. I really wonder what the point is? All this hurt and he actually getting less physical intimacy than when he thought he 'wasn't getting any' with me! It really makes no sense and shows what a fantasy/escapism it really is. He wanted to 'discuss' the last date he put in the diary and to know if it was ok with me... I simply said 'It is what it is' and went back to what I was doing. It's not like he'll suddely change his mind because I don't like it! He's been reaching out for hugs an reassuranace ever since (I'm being cool but polite). She's taken to sending him little gifts in the post. Territorial p*ssing, much? They're just filling up a drawer!

I guess a hard bit is that we live in the middle of nowhere and both work from home. I've been making myself scarce and doing my own thing, not enquiring about his day (although as soon as anything good/exciting happens he comes to find me and bounds up to me like a little puppy wanting to share his news. I smile nicely and say 'well done' and resist the urge to pat him on the head) and trying not to 'fix' things. I go out with friends more (he doesn't get the details) and we've got enough space that I can avoid him during work hours.

So for me GALing is a lot of self care and stepping away from his crazy. After his last diary entry, I made sure I had a nice long, pampering shower, deep conditioned my hair and used his razor to shave my legs 

Is this what a clinging boomerang looks like?

[I Am The Salad]

Aaand… Monster just entered the building. I don’t really see that very often and, wow, it comes out of nowhere and about nothing! I don’t think I handled it particularly well. He was being mean to S6 and so my Mamma Bear came out. He’s off sulking in the spare room and I’m cosy and warm upstairs but I’m left wondering who the stranger in my house is. How is it possible to change so completely? Surely other people can see it too? Why doesn’t anyone say anything?

[Baxter1]

Mama Bear 1 Monster 0, sounds about right to me.

[I Am The Salad]

Thanks Baxter! After watching S6 having a meltdown today I realised that monstering is just disregulation in adults. And the way you 'fix' both of those scenarios is to regulate yourself first. So stepping into guided meditation (never thought I'd do that!) and self-care today to try and get myself back on track. And then this happens...

How do people navigate Valentine's Day when you live in the same house? It was always a non-event with us, but OW has sent a card to the house! I picked up the post and frisbeed it at his head before he knew what it was. And now I'm avoiding him.

Does anyone else think it's incredibly rude of her to be doing this? And naive of him to think that there's nothing wrong with it and no alterior motive on her part?

I hate how I think I'm coping with things well and then something unexpected like this (why did I not see it coming?!?) comes along and derails me.

Maybe emotional heart fitness is like physical heart fitness, it's not about how high your heartbeat goes, it's about how quickly you recover and return to normal?

[KayDee]

Does anyone else think it's incredibly rude of her to be doing this? And naive of him to think that there's nothing wrong with it and no alterior motive on her part?

She's goading you. If you can manage it, ignore it. It is the best response, although I would imagine you want to frisbee her too.

[KayDee]

Oh, and it says everything you need to know about her.

[I Am The Salad]

Thanks KayDee. Thanks for the validation. I feel like she is goading me as she’s seeing him in less than 48 hours and could easily have waited. It’s a new habit she’s got into, sending things to the house. Hey ho, deep breath, be the bigger person, wait for her true colours to show (and for H to actually see them!). Breathe in through your nose… and out through your mouth… and  in through your nose…

[KayDee]

It’s a new habit she’s got into, sending things to the house.

Sounds an awful lot like Love Bombing to me. But in the early days, this will make him feel special. Yes, say your Ohms and breath deeply....