[KeepCalmAndCarryOn]

Hi, new here and I think my husband is having a MLC but I'm not sure. Would be interested to hear opnions. I'll try to sketch a timeline of what I think may be relevant.

My husband (46) and me (38) have been together for 20 years, 17 of which married. We have three kids together, aged 2, 6 and 9.
From the start of our relationship we have been inseparable, so much so that it sometimes annoyed people that we always came as a package deal!
With the three kids and both of us working, our life got very busy in the last few years, which my husband didn't like at all. He complained regularly how busy our schedule is, and how little time for himself he had. I think this mostly started after covid lockdowns were over. During the lockdowns, we actually had a very relaxing time with the family. By the time lockdowns were over, both of us had gotten new jobs that demanded more of us. Especially now had a managerial role, which gave him a lot of stess. Around dec '22 he ended up sitting at home with stress-related issues (no official burnout diagnosis) for about 3 months, then returned to work in his old role which was a lot less stressful. He said he would look for a different job from there and had all sorts of wild plans, but never actually did look for something else.
During this time, and afterwards, I often noticed he was a bit down, he was always tired and grumpy and less patient with the kids. Whenever I asked him about it, he said he was just tired, and he needed more sleep. He assured me there was nothing wrong. I always assumed it was the stress from work and the busy family life and that it would get better as the kids got older.
End of October '23 I got the bomb drop. He told me he couldn't continue like this any longer, and that he wants a divorce. This came as a complete shock to me. He never once said he had a problem or that he had doubts. We even had talks the week before about making more time for each other!
The first few weeks I was in utter shock, I tried talking into him that we can work on this, whatever it is, but I quickly noticed this was only pushing him away more. So I changed my tactics to simply asking questions and listening without judgement. This made him open up, and we have had several conversations about how he is feeling and what is going on. Some of the things he has said:
- he no longer knows who he is or what he wants
- he has lived the last 10 or so years doing things because they were expected of him (in his mind), not because he wanted those things
- he tried talking about issues early in our relationship but found the talks so frustrating that he just stopped sharing things (this sounds like he's blaming me for him not telling me anything earlier?)
- he no longer feels anything at all, everything is 'comfortably numb'
- he no longer enjoys the two older kids, the youngest one does still gives him joy
- he is no longer in love with me, but he doesn't want me out of his life, I'm still his 'best buddy'
- he still wants to have the kids, but no more than half the time, the times he doesn't have the kids he doesn't want to take anything or anyone into account and be free to do whatever he pleases.
- whenever he has the kids I'm always welcome to join him. He also would love to still do things as a family and go on holidays together
- he has feelings for someone else but hasn't acted on it yet, nor does he plan to. He doesn't want a relationship at the moment, he wants nothing
- when he has a place for himself, he expects to go after another woman immediately
- he doesn't want to try and fix our marriage out of self protection, he's terrified of slipping back to the place he is running from

When he first dropped the bomb, he said he was already looking for a place of his own and wanted to move out asap. I asked him to please slow down, which he reluctantly accepted. 3 months later he is still living at home, still sleeping in the same bed and the kids still don't know anything. He is now looking for a place of his own again, he says he plans to stay there 2 or 3 days a week so he can 'work on himself'. He is still adamant that we should get a divorce, but he's not in a hurry to push it through. He sometimes says he will find a therapist to help him with his issues, then he goes back to saying he needs to just have his own place and stare at a blank wall for a few days to let all the feelings wash over him.

He has been very friendly and nice to me the past months, almost like nothing has changed. At the same time he seems very confused with how this is affecting me. He seems to think he can just drop the bomb and from there continue being just good friends, and I would be over it in a few days?

A lot of the things he says sound like depression and/or MLC to me, but the thing is I keep reading MLC'ers don't look inward and only blame others during this replay phase. Although he is clearly running from his feelings by wanting a divorce and moving out partly, he also says it's not my fault, it's him. He also sees that he needs help with his issues (although he's scared to actually do so), he even recognizes that he is rewriting history in his mind, and now looks at things very differently than he did a few years ago.

Could it be that he is already going towards dealing with his issues? That would be very soon if it's MLC. It's also weird that he seems to see all of those things but still think he needs to divorce to feel better.

[KayDee]

Welcome with a group hug KC.

The first 12 months are the most crushing, so I hope you are looking after yourself. There are wiser owls than me here that will give you some great input, but I wanted to respond about your query regarding you H's insights and lack of blame throwing. I can say the same about my H. He has said it is him, he knows he is 'going through something' - in fact, he knows it all really (and has also said he doesn't know why he is doing IT), but then he goes and does IT again. IT being the kinda random, crazy, running away things people in this kind of depressive crisis do. It makes no sense really, and I have given up trying to figure it out, or have any expectations of him for now. All I think I know is that his compulsion to run is much, much stronger than confronting the issues that cause the depression.  I read your list of things he said and could tick off most of those in my situation. Others will likely say the same. So, yes to depression, yes to crisis. No to being able to fix it though. Sorry.

I don't think it is uncommon for the crisis person to want to be buddies (hands up from over here) and want their spouse to still comfort them when they need said buddy. But, IMO it is very hard to even get back on your feet, let alone function well, if you have this kind of yo-you behaviour. You may find you spend more time worrying about them than you do ANYTHING ELSE and that takes a toll in the end. And it still won't change much or make sense. IMO letting the crisis person go completely is best for one's healing and allows the crisis person the space to see their own landscape (which often ends up bleak and lonely from what I have read). That often means them moving out. It is not uncommon and not as devastating as it seems, IMO. From my experience, I didn't realize the effect that living with a depressed person was having on me until he left. I grieve for my marriage, but in many ways I feel lighter. I hope that my H can heal himself and I know that is his journey to take. You will hear this again and again. It is true. So is the mantra 'MLC gets worse before it gets better', prepare for the fact that there is likely OW (aka the CEO of the Escape Committee). It is sadly predicable and yes, a symptom in the search for feeling something. If not OW, it will be some other high.

Take care KC.

[WHY]

Im so sorry you're going through this.  Mine also showed no monster in the beginning and said I was her best friend around bomb drop.  It also left me a bit confused given what I'd read about MLC. 

Fast forward 6 months later and she was a completely different human being.  With anger and outright hatred towards me.  Feeling justified when inflicting maximum pain. 

They will cycle and change.  But it gets a lot worse before it gets better (and I think the better part is actually more about LBS healing vs MLCer improvement). 

You're in the right place.  You will find incredible support here.  You will get through this.   

[MadLuv]

So very sorry to see you here. but so glad you found this as it will be a great form of information and comfort. Your H sounds a lot like mine did at BD. He was still kind. Seemed to realize something was wrong with him. Felt nothing for myself or our adult kids, but seemed to enjoy grandson 7 a little. It is all depression, but I will say that OW/OM dont know them before the place they find themselves, so they can be who ever they want with them and “escape” the reality of the situation.

This is all a very scary place to be as there is nothing you can do and the more you try to help the more you will push them away. If he has an attraction know that it is very possibly that he has in fact acted on those. My now XH ( divorced him in 90 days to protect myself financially ) I thought was the sweetest man on earth. In the 3 years since ehe has left I can not believe what he had been up to to escape his pain and continues to now.

See a lawyer immediately. Get advice on  what you should do to protect yourself and your kids financially. It’s a horrible thing yo have to do, but they are not in their right minds and even with my divorce my XH has went through 100’s of thousand of dollars. Hasn’t seen his kids or grandson 2 years, was fired from his high executive job.  This after being a loving father for 30 years.

Keep journalling and telling your story. It truky helps to know you are not alone.

[titleholder]

So sorry to see you here and it must be really difficult with 3 young kids in the mix. I nodded along with all the points your husband said to you. It's scary but my xH said the exact same things to me.

I'm two years into this mess and the only thing I can say is that it does get better, but maybe not in the outcome you're hoping for right now. The advice that is given here to focus on yourself and your kids is an advice I adopted early in my journey and it's a decision that I never regretted. Your husband is very lost right now and probably will be for quite some time. Do everything you can to protect your own and your kids stability because if you're not carefull they tend to drag you down with them.

You're not alone here and you can always ask for help and advice! Hugs.

[FaithWalker]

Yes, eerily similar to what most of us have been told.

Sorry that you have to be here, but you are in good company!

Keep posting to your story and we are here for you.  Sending virtual (((hugs)))

[Ready2Transform]

Could it be that he is already going towards dealing with his issues? That would be very soon if it's MLC. It's also weird that he seems to see all of those things but still think he needs to divorce to feel better.

As everyone else has said, this is a common cycling pattern at the beginning of a spouse's MLC. Unfortunately, he will likely not be out of this anytime soon. As others have said, get some legal advice, protect your finances, and put anything to do with you and your kids' security and well-being above and beyond whatever is going on with him.

Even though it feels like a scary psychotic episode, it's not that bad. But it's more than just a bump in the road. Since there is a "someone else" already in the mix, it's important to take care of all of the financial and security-related aspects of this (even though it is terribly uncomfortable - we all get it) while he is agreeable, and she is not part of the decision-making team, if you catch my drift. These alienators get claws in, and it changes things. Your kids need to be shielded from that, and you're the sane parent right now (maybe forever). I'm not trying to be bleak, but I ended up bankrupt and almost lost my home and business, because I put a lot of faith in him "coming out of this." I don't want anyone else to go through those kinds of fears. MLC is enough!

[thissucks7788]

I'm so sorry that you're here.  It is truly one of the worst things to go through.  You're in the right group and you will get lots of support here.

 One thing that stood out to me was where he told you-- that he has feelings for someone else but hasn't acted on it.  This.  In my belief THIS is what made him "pull the trigger" on this thing.  Not saying that he wasn't going through something and stressed etc...but this is usually when they *really* decide that they are so unhappy and want to move on.  Then, they have to reason with themselves that the marriage wasn't really that good and re-write history to explain how they are leaving a long term marriage with kids.  Also as a side note, you don't need to leave your marriage and move out of the house to "work on yourself".  But anyway-

My H was having an EA and I discovered it through texts and when confronted well, first he lied and than decided he is leaving.  I, like you, saw that trying to logically talk about it was of zero use as he was cold and I could tell that my feelings/opinions held no sway.  So I took a different approach (I'm not saying you should do this, this is just what I did).  I told him that if he feels that way about someone else than I agree that he should move out.  I helped him find an apartment- because, I thought I would never heal with him in the house especially if he is courting some other woman.   He also wanted to be "best friends".  I told him that once he leaves, he is dead to me.  Also I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who treated me this way.  (Again, everyone has a different take about this-- this was my preferred way).   Once he left, I cried rivers, couldn't eat and felt like I was living in the Twilight Zone.  I was in total shock and thought we had a great marriage. Any problem was news to me.  So, I focused on myself, found a new job, took up old hobbies and made new friends.  When he did reach out (business/child) I was pleasant but short.

Anyway, he did ask to return home 5 months later.  Turns out the grass was not greener and the "reasons" he had for wanting to leave our marriage were not a problem anymore.  We took it slow and "dated" for 2 months before I let him move back home. Now I have no idea if this was a MLC or just a transition.  Perhaps he could do it again in the future.  But H had just turned 50 and the "woman" was a 20 year old, so there was some midlife things going on. 

Point is-- I say totally detach, let him play out his fantasy so you're not a barrier and completely take care of yourself and your kids.  Make sure finances are secure for you as MLCers can be destructive.  Have a consult with a lawyer just in case and see where you stand.  You don't have to do anything with this but a good idea to just do.  Get support here and irl.  Also sending you lots of hugs --it is so tough.
B

[KeepCalmAndCarryOn]

Thanks all for your kind words. Yes, I've been trying to detach but it's so hard when he's still living here and most of the time pretending like everything is ok .

Yesterday we had another chat, and he mentioned that he actually prefers the numbness of not feeling anything, because when he does allow his feelings through, he is overwhelmed by fear of just about everything; fear of being alone, fear of not feeling better when he lives on his own, fear of losing the kids, fear of never getting out of this... it's so difficult to see him sometimes so close to realizing how bad of a place he is in, only to then see him shut down again behind his walls and pretending he's fine.
He said he wants to discuss tonight how to split up days once he has a place of his own (which days will he be home for the kids, which days can he go to his own place), but I think I will suggest that he first takes a few weeks or months away completely to work through his own issues. I'm not sure he will agree, but I would feel a lot better if he did. Not only for my own sake of not having to be around him all the time, but also for the kids. I really want them to still have their dad, they need him. But I want that person to be their actual dad who cares for them, not a walking zombie with no empathy or feelings.

I also said to him yesterday that I will plan a vacation with the kids for the summer, that I won't take him into account but that he would be welcome to join if he wants. Now I'm not so sure if I would really want that though. I've come to realize how much of a toll his depression has been taking on me in the past years already, without me really noticing what was happening. Any activity I planned was always welcomed with a grumpy comment about his life being too busy, or he would agree to join and then sabotage the day completely (like trying to get us to leave early and not being grumpy about any change of plans that were not his idea), and I always felt like walking on egg shells when I had to announce my family suggested a get-together. It would probably spoil much of my holiday feeling if he were there being grumpy about everything.

One good thing that came out of yesterday though: I told him that I want to try and keep the house when he leaves, and he said he also would like that. He sees it as the kids'home, and would not want them to have to move because of this. We would never be able to buy a house like this again, the price has doubled since we bought it 6 years ago (the housing market is ridiculous here). I have a decent wage myself, but not enough to buy the house on my own, so we will have to see what we can do, but he even offered to give it to mee freely if need be (not sure what taxes would think of that). I think I will try to get this sorted out as soon as possible, because like you guys said, I have no idea whether he will stay this agreeable.

[KeepCalmAndCarryOn]

Today he told me he had a chat with the colleague he has feelings for, and she is interested in him as well. He did say he explained to her that this was not the time for him to start a relationship, because he has "too much to work through first". But this is a colleague and he will see her every day, so it's just a matter of time before they take it further now I guess.

I did see this coming, he already mentioned at BD that he had feelings for someone else, but it still hurts like hell. He hasn't even moved out yet, or done anything to actually get the divorce through, we haven't even told the kids yet...
I think I handled the first conversation ok, I stayed calm and said I wasn't surprised. Then later I got back to him and said that although I saw it coming, I in no way condone what he is doing. I also said that I hope he can work through his issues, and that I will always keep loving him, even despite the pain he is causing. I did also say that this doesn't mean I'm just waiting for him with open arms to come back, just that I still care for him deeply, because that is a feeling that doesn't just go away.

Now I'm not sure whether that second conversation was a good idea, but I also didn't want him to walk away with the idea that I find this situation acceptable.

Another thing that he did mention; he realizes his feelings for her have become "less intense" lately, but he's not sure whether that is because he is already starting to get over her or because he's currently feeling emotionally numb in general. He expects the latter, but this is the reason he wants to take time to first work through his issues, because he has no idea how he will feel a month from now. I'm not really sure what to make of this. It sounds like he is still very confused himself, and I'd be happy if he indeed works through his issues, but somehow I doubt he will actually do that...

I'm also not sure how I will deal with this new situation. He's still living at home so I will still see him all the time, and I don't want the kids to suffer in any way so I want to keep things friendly. I hope he finds a place of his own soon I guess, that's probably better for all of us