[KayDee]

Oh ditto to this situation. My H went with OW to a place we went every year for + 15 years. Then OW bombed the internet with happy clappy pictures of the dream vacation (these filtered through to me via mutual friends.) (Yes Dear Reader, I do ask not to know. I do not snoop). Treasur sums up the possible 'reasons' perfectly. In my case, my therapist thinks that it is likely OW wanting to erase memories of me, by overlaying herself in the picture. Multiple choice quiz - You meet a new person, and they suggest going to the same place they went with their wife every blinking year, forever. You say a) yes! great idea. Any chance I can I borrow your exWife's wardrobe too? B) Let's go somewhere new and and make our own new memories? So sorry Hollie. I know how much this hurts, but it is Act 2, scene 3 in various versions of MLC.

Regarding taking the baby away, maybe you can get some professional input on this. Prolonged periods away from the primary care giver at this age can be traumatic for babies. Unless, of course, he has bonded with your H?

Can you plan some nice things for when he's away? Even small treats?

[Hollie220423]

Oh ditto to this situation. My H went with OW to a place we went every year for + 15 years. Then OW bombed the internet with happy clappy pictures of the dream vacation (these filtered through to me via mutual friends.) (Yes Dear Reader, I do ask not to know. I do not snoop). Treasur sums up the possible 'reasons' perfectly. In my case, my therapist thinks that it is likely OW wanting to erase memories of me, by overlaying herself in the picture. Multiple choice quiz - You meet a new person, and they suggest going to the same place they went with their wife every blinking year, forever. You say a) yes! great idea. Any chance I can I borrow your exWife's wardrobe too? B) Let's go somewhere new and and make our own new memories? So sorry Hollie. I know how much this hurts, but it is Act 2, scene 3 in various versions of MLC.

Regarding taking the baby away, maybe you can get some professional input on this. Prolonged periods away from the primary care giver at this age can be traumatic for babies. Unless, of course, he has bonded with your H?

Can you plan some nice things for when he's away? Even small treats?

lol I would be the same don’t want to see anything but I’m sure someone would think I would want to see it and send it to me! I’m completely off his socials he deleted every trace there is of me - but I made my profile public - she will want to see im
Sure - so she can have a look at the year before he left where he was so desperately unhappy and see that we did nice things even a holiday to this place I’m
Talking about in the feb - when he left in the April!

The comment of the wardrobe killed me - maybe he’s hoping that she will erase the memories too I guess.. but the whole time he is there he will be thinking of me and our time there together.. as you can’t not.. I’ve been once without him and it was awful.

I’ll be ok in a day or so I just hate how silly things can knock you off course. I’m trying to focus on myself eat better and exersise etc it’s just hard with a small baby.

Mental how only two/three weeks ago he was telling me that I would win over her anytime and that I should forget her as she’s only been around a few months.. now he’s booking holidays to our special family place - the words I could use..  to all of them for thinking this is ok! Guess just shows how deluded they are

[KayDee]

Well, I'm glad I made you laugh. If it wasn't all so devastating, for everyone concerned, it would be more laugh out loud funny at times. This so-called relationship with OW, it is built on sand.

But these are not silly things at all. Being 'erased' in a matter of months and replaced by someone like OW (no need to slag her off, she does the job herself through her actions) by someone you trusted with your life. No, that's is deeply traumatic. His actions are psychologically unstable, but this knowledge only goes so far, because you are still suffering the effects. But these are his actions not yours. You go to bed with a clean conscience. You and your kids do not, on any level, deserve this. It is not your fault.

[Nas]

Hollie, I can’t imagine how hard this is to go through with such a young baby on top of everything else. I think it adds layers upon layers to something that is already so layered. My heart really goes out to you.

I just wanted to mention a few things about the erasure and redoing and the OW. I have never written much about all the horrific ways that I’ve felt erased and written over over the years that my husband has been with his new girlfriend. (Just one vile example, they got a new puppy, same breed as the dog we had together, and named it after the baby I miscarried years ago. This information always seem to find its way to me and it ripped me apart, every time.)

I know it’s early on for you and this is like one hit after another. I would say, as much as you can, try not to figure out the why of anything. And I know it’s not my place to say, but I would even suggest that you don’t make your social media public in the hopes that she will see it. By spending time wondering whether or not she is orchestrating the trip to the family vacation place and opening up your social media for her to see that you guys just went there, you are in advertently triangulating yourself. I don’t think that these APs have as much power as we sometimes give them early on when we are trying to figure out what the hell is happening. But the one thing you do know is that your husband and the father of your children is behaving in a way that is completely disordered, completely cruel, and completely disrespectful to you. I would focus on that, because giving her all that power that she is pulling the strings is taking away accountability from him. And again, placing yourself in a triangle you don’t need to be in.
I can’t remember if you’ve already sought legal advice and talked to anyone about custody and visitation matters? Because I do agree with KayDee about the baby being away from you for a considerable amount of tume, Not to mention, these are your children going away with and possibly spending time alone with another adults that you have never met. It is within your right to seek counsel on this and see what your legal rights are.

This is really hard and devastating and I am so sorry you’re going through it.

[Hollie220423]

Oh my goodness Nas, I cannot believe they did that with the dog! Just disgusting behaviour I don’t understand how some People can treat other human beings like this - but someone did say to me it’s good that I don’t understand because that says more about me and my moral compass I don’t understand because I could never do it to someone.

I have for a solicitor and I will be talking to her about this and the baby in terms of holidays and overnights etc - he just told me that I need to just trust his judgment that she’s a good person.. like I will ever trust a word that falls out of his mouth again the lies and the deception are just insane.

I’m trying to not let it effect my peace it’s just so difficult at times - I mean I have been back to the place spoken about since he left one because it was already booked before he left for my mums 60th and then again on a few day passes but the difference is I’m doing it alone with the kids not with my replacement - who I’m expected to believe is a lovely person and stable etc, is good with my kids etc - who has been more than happy to have a relationship with a married man who was expecting a baby..? And then continue and keep that family apart and deny the baby a chance - (not saying it’s all her) he has chosen this and is fully to blame but she has a accepted it I know if I was 28 and he came along with all this baggage and whatever story he is spinning I would run a mile! 

[titleholder]

My gosh Hollie.. This is incredibly hard. It's good that you're going to talk to a sollicitor! You're right the fact that she made a move on a married man with a pregnant wife speaks volumes about what kind of character she has. Plus the fact that they both don't take any of your feelings into account says enough. After the destruction of your marriage they go on about their day as if nothing has happenend.

My xH OW is also crazy woman, but luckily the only sense my xH has is that he refuses for her to meet our D and I don't think she wants to. She has a lot of issues and their relationship goes up and down like crazy. So I'm happy that my D doesn't have to witness this. I also find it crazy that you can be in a relationship for 2 years and you don't want to share something as important as your D with that person. But for now I'm just really lucky he doesn't.

 I'm two years post BD and I'm at the point where I'm okay with the fact that if he does meet a stable woman I accept that she's going to be in my D's life. I'm just really hoping that this isn't going to be affaire OW..

[Nas]

Oh my goodness Nas, I cannot believe they did that with the dog! Just disgusting behaviour I don’t understand how some People can treat other human beings like this -

It was really hard to hear and I had to take a little time to process my feelings about it, but that’s just my point, they really weren’t treating me bad, or treating me any way at all. I was not a factor. I had nothing to do with it and it really really helped me to remember that: They weren’t doing it TO me. If the story I told myself was that they did what they did with a specific intent to harm me, that would only be me inserting myself into a story that I was not part of. … and prolonging my own pain. And honestly, I don’t want to be part of that story of toxic disorder.

 The good thing about time (and I’ve said before that I do not believe that time heals all, but time does give us distance and an opportunity to see more clearly, reevaluate and make changes for ourselves) is that eventually we get to choose to write ourselves out of the dysfunctional story. So eventually, rather than seeing it as them rewriting our lives with someone new, we can write our own version where we understand that even though it seems so incredibly personal, their story is all about them and not about us. At first that hurts because we want to be part of their story. We were supposed to be a major part of their story, we were supposed to be there for the rest of their lives. With detachment comes the opportunity to take ourselves out of the story based in conjecture and fictional answers to all the “why” questions and into the reality of only what is right in front of us. I know that doesn’t sound appealing now, but it will be what helps you heal. It gets extremely exhausting trying to create answers to questions that have no answers, and you deserve peace.

[UrsaMajor]

he just told me that I need to just trust his judgment that she’s a good person..

[MadLuv]

The MLCer swap out on things is always mind boggling, but they do it. I planned a 30th anniversary vacation and my XH took OW and got engaged on my planned vacation spot. I think when they are in throws of Limerance they honestly don’t think much about us, truly.  I can remember asking my XH after finding out about him being in a EA with a coworker friend of ours , did you think about me at all? He said, no.

They are filling a need they feel driven to do and that is all that matters in these times. It’s hard for us to fathom, but I don’t think we enter into their thoughts much. They are escaping their old life, so honestly it makes sense. Even, if it is going to familiar places. They enjoyed it, so new OW/OM will enjoy it.

I do think there can be triggers that we enter into a moment, but overall they are just in a self serving place. I do know my XH told me they were on a hike once and he saw something and he thought, madluv would love that. I just think those are far and few in between  when in the beginning of these relationships.

I also can’t imagine how hard this is with small children. Adult children and a grandson are hard to navigate, but in the early days I could do whatever I wanted for my sanity and you are always looking after young lives who need you. You need someone to take care of you and for you to share your stressors. It’s very hard. I have so much compassion for you.

[Hollie220423]

It really is a wild ride - today he decided to text me and let me know about that holiday and said obviously the boys have already told you - then decided to drop in the fact that the OW has paid for them to go to Mexico at the end of May and it falls on the weekend he should have the kids - so can he swap for the weekend before.

I have plans on both weekends the one that I have my kids for the weekend and then the one after where it’s technically my weekend off - he’s decided to just book a holiday and then ask me..?

I’m Furious I’ve got a good mind to tell him that he needs to sort childcare for that weekend! Why should it be up to me.. if he had the courtesy to ask me beforehand it wouldn’t be a problem - it just shows that they are playing - she has no idea about the responsibility of having children otherwise they would of scheduled it around the kids.

Funnily enough, the dates are around the time last year where I know he was away with who he said was his friend.. but I since found  out he wasnt (again someone decided to tell me) so I think it’s an anniversary holiday - I know it doesn’t matter it’s just stinging!

Two weeks previous to this holiday we would have been celebrating 10 years of marriage and had planned to go away ourselves this year to celebrate.

I hate how robbed I feel.. I hope this eases in time 😪