[forthetrees]

You could just say that you have already made plans based on the pre-arranged custody schedule and that you´re sure he´ll understand. My worry would be that the feeling of being a chump for helping them have their romantic get-away would eat away at you, so as to preserve your equilibrium you won´t trade so that you can maintain your sanity- as much as one can in the circumstances. It may look like to them like you being difficult but they are not thinking at all about you and your situation, plans or feelings. You´d actually be doing him a favor to decline as he would learn to plan ahead.

[Hollie220423]

You could just say that you have already made plans based on the pre-arranged custody schedule and that you´re sure he´ll understand. My worry would be that the feeling of being a chump for helping them have their romantic get-away would eat away at you, so as to preserve your equilibrium you won´t trade so that you can maintain your sanity- as much as one can in the circumstances. It may look like to them like you being difficult but they are not thinking at all about you and your situation, plans or feelings. You´d actually be doing him a favor to decline as he would learn to plan ahead.

This is my thinking because if I try and communicate a boundary to him he just get on the defensive and Is rude or nasty to me so this way it sets a boundary silently - next time think about it!! Out of courtesy more than anything, I’m also not replying until the week - he always sends me messages when it’s my weekends and it ends up upsetting me when dealing with the kids etc it’s not fair on them so I’m gonna set coms Monday - Friday only unless an emergency

[UrsaMajor]

You could just say that you have already made plans based on the pre-arranged custody schedule and that you´re sure he´ll understand.

Exactly. You already have plans that were made based on the already agreed-upon schedule..... If he wants to change that, he needs to plan ahead with you involved.

You´d actually be doing him a favor to decline as he would learn to plan ahead.

As if.....
It does, however, establish a good boundary that he needs to communicate in advance if he wants to change things.... Which does mean planning ahead in the end  but ... you know.... those mean old consequences.....

[Hollie220423]

Omg I feel like I’m Loosing my mind - it’s what should of been our 10 year wedding anniversary this week and to say that my MLC’er behaviour has been confusing is an understatement - but I feel like a bit of a switch has flipped - acceptance I guess.

I was strong about the whole him booking a holiday on his weekend with the kids and going off to Mexico with the Gf, but then I realised that my kids wouldn’t see him for 16 days - my plans have changed so I’ve said he can take them for an overnight  on my weekend before but after I made the point of saying to him he needed to organise childcare for them as I have plans on what should of been his weekend and that in future I think it would be courteous to check with me and me with him if we have plans not just assuming that I’ll pick up the slack as the default parent..

Yesterday I received a message asking to request more access he used to come on a Monday and a Wednesday but when I mentioned he needed to not come into the house anymore he threw his toys out of the pram and stopped coming on a Monday (to help me out)

As I mentioned before I teach dance twice a week in the evening I have a really successful dance school and have done it for 28 years and have done since we met - I work at home because he wanted my job to be more flexible with the kids (hairdresser) so I have a salon at home which is great but means I don’t leave the house - dancing is my only outlet - he maintained he wanted me to give this up as he only wants to come home to me not someone else (took the pressure off him trying to get back on time)

So three out of 5 evenings a week are free for him - he has the kids in the house on a Wednesday as the gf lives to far away.

All the other days apart from a Monday he says are tricky with work but Monday I dance - told him he can have them then but will have to wait until I’m back put them to bed etc - o don’t want to spend another evening with him in the house as a family - it’s hard enough for me on a weds.

He saying that he doesn’t want to give the kids false hope by putting them to bed etc and doesn’t want to do a Monday will give my theory below that I’ll never know how it feels to go a whole week as i don’t have too and its unfair on him and im not doing it.

I had to try so hard to not give it to him - I said to him whilst I understand I feel it’s a bit unfair to make this all about him - I’ve been nothing but compassionate and whilst I don’t understand it must be hard correct but  he chose this life for us all - he chose to leave (no1 held a gun to his head and we were not unhappy for it to come to this)  -  that  me and the kids have felt like we have been thrown out of an aeroplane - and I’ve had to parent them 100% of the time whilst dealing with my emotions and theres - not to forget raising a newborn baby single handedly on my own.!

I don’t understand what more I can do - he has three days to choose from - he then came back and said that I’m unfair and that he feels that its ok for it to all be about him..

Its taking me so much restraint to not go back to him and say all the things he has done and that he still wants me give up my commitments because it doesn’t work for him.

So essentially I think - the Gf doesn’t want him to do Mondays because he will be in our marital home once the kids are asleep and although I’ll be at dancing she won’t know that for certain. I just don’t see why I should give him another day and spend more time in the house with him and the kids that’s what is confusing for them - me however being out of the house carrying on with my normal life isn’t confusing for them he is just doing the job that their nanny usually would!

Grrrrr please help me from stopping to send him a full on rage message

[Treasur]

Ok, so first of all, take 500 wise points for being smart enough to post here before you vent there.
And welcome to your season ticket to the Land of F**kwittery where up is down, and a drama can be created from a teacup. It gets easier. Largely perhaps bc we eventually hand in our ticket although usually don’t get a refund lol.

Now, take a breath….
Take another one while I remind you - bc I know you already know - about some basics.

He wants what he wants when he wants it. (And the reasons a) don’t matter and b)usually involve some version of attempted charm, sadz or blame when he doesn’t get it)

You are no longer obliged to care what he wants beyond your basic legal and sane  adult human obligations. Or indeed listen more than once to any of the blah blah.

You are no longer obliged to care how he feels or place weight on his opinion about anything from your choices to the price of fish. (Beyond same obligations as above)

No is a complete sentence. If you want to be polite, some embroidered superficial version of No is also fine…..No, sorry you feel that way…No, that doesn’t work for me or my personal favourite….having thought about it, I’d prefer not to. You offered him some options; they didn’t work for him and his remaining Monday option doesn’t work for you. (You may find this gets easier the more you find childcare support options that do not require his involvement. Bc until then, it’s a control lever for him. He gets the kids in his legally mandated time full stop. And he doesn’t get any of you at all. Nothing less than a life threatening emergency should change that imho. No chicken pox or your understandable exhaustion should change that. He will be, at best, a pop up Disney Dad. And by leaving two small kids and a pregnant wife, imho the list of things he now gets no vote on or future involvement in is looooong. Ditto tbh you and the list of things in his life unless they affect your kids safety or your bank account. Exotic holidays? Meh. Boils on his head, meh. Has the sadz, meh.

He most probably won’t/doesn’t like it when you say No. or even better when you act No. Hence some spin around charm (flowers ‘from the kids’), self pity (this is so unfair) or rage (you say I can’t come to the house when I please so I’ll tell you are horrible, file for divorce or do some other passive-aggressive nonsense that pops into my mind. Bc….see first point lol. You can expect more of the same bc well, that’s just what these folks do. As you climb off the rollercoaster and lose your fear about his reactions, it gets pretty predictable and can even be quite funny. Say/Do No anyway if that’s what is best for you.

Don’t feel the need to explain, defend or justify your choices. Or indeed try to persuade him to think or act differently. Waste of breath. Bc….see first point. And he does not care what you think, feel or need….me me me is all there is….if he did, he would be behaving differently.

I can’t imagine how overwhelming, and incredibly unfair, it must feel to be the lone adult responsible for three small humans. Or how alone you must feel with it sometimes or how thinly spread. But others here do. And what they will probably say is that, right now, you are also dealing with an additional virtual teenage f**kwit. And that everything - even the really hard things - get easier once you remove the f**kwit element or find ways to severely reduce it. And that others have crafted a way to do solo parenting that are doable and even mostly enjoyable.

So, imho, say No to Mondays unless you are legally obliged (as informed by your lawyer not an MLCer) and then go about your day. Don’t waste your breath or feed the drama by telling him how you feel or trying to persuade him to behave with more consideration. Bc, well, see point one lol. And think of all the infinitely nicer things you could do with that time and energy….go for a walk, call a chum, clean the toilet, watch a video of a cat with a funny face……

And a PS in case it helps. He has filed and that puts you on a different path. Think of your choices now as building a template for how life will work when he is an ex husband rather than a husband.  Even if that isn’t by your choice, it obviously brings different boundaries, expectations and ways of doing things in your life and in your home. Pause a moment when these situations arise and ask yourself ‘is this what I want or think divorce should look like in 5/10 years time? Is this how I want it to work? Or see my role as an ex-wife? If not, don’t do it. Bc you’d prefer not to. Bc it’s the sane healthy choice. And unless you are legally obliged, you don’t have to.

[Hollie220423]

Omg I’m literally rolling over with laughter I can ALWAYS rely on you to give me the perspective I need Thankyou for being so awesome as always ❤️

[forthetrees]

The key sentence is that you reported that he is ok with it being all about him. Take that as your starting point in deciding how to deal with the situation. His POV is not realistic on so many levels and if you are dealing with someone not being realistic it allows you to make the adult responsible decisions. His selfishness has the consequence of relinquishing control over the custody arrangement rather than dictating it. It´s not your job to facilitate the scheduling of his time with the Gf. It´s a common MLCer attitude that you should want him to be happy and do whatever to make that happen.

[Hollie220423]

The key sentence is that you reported that he is ok with it being all about him. Take that as your starting point in deciding how to deal with the situation. His POV is not realistic on so many levels and if you are dealing with someone not being realistic it allows you to make the adult responsible decisions. His selfishness has the consequence of relinquishing control over the custody arrangement rather than dictating it. It´s not your job to facilitate the scheduling of his time with the Gf. It´s a common MLCer attitude that you should want him to be happy and do whatever to make that happen.

Isn’t it just wild how self centered they are, I have childcare for a Monday night I should of wrote that - it makes no odds whether he does it or not - I just offered it to him as it’s the only day that I see realistically working. But it’s not enough.

He’s still crying infront of the kids, and said to me the other day that my son told him that he’s found the last 3 months the hardest they have ever been (he’s he has AuDHD and has really struggled from the beginning and has been having meltdowns at school after a weekend with him or before in the build up I guess but MLCer didn’t seem to care when introducing the gf and have them stay with him etc - because as you all say - he wants what he wants - then said to me this is all my fault, he will never know how much I hate myself.

When I asked my son and said that it’s really positive that he felt he could tell his dad how he felt - he told me he didn’t say that.. and that he thinks dad is finding it hard etc..

Honestly it is such a up and down thing - I’ve been good and not letting it affect me but this morning those messages did give me the rage. But after I said what I said earlier I cut the convo dead. 🙄

[Hollie220423]

Omg today on what should have been our tenth wedding anniversary I get a text to wish me a lovely weekend with the boys and that he is thinking of me today and a love heart emoji. what does he feel sorry for me? Thinking of me whilst he’s with the OW 🙄

[Treasur]

   I hope you rolled your eyes and got on with your day. An emoji is much easier than showing up and being a decent adult, after all. Grrr on your behalf.

But I hope you are having a lovely day with the small humans that came from that initial day, that’s worth celebrating x