[Treasur]

I’m sorry. Wisely, I think you can see that - not unreasonably - you did have some expectations. Just ones you feared would not be met in a way which was helpful. And it seems you were right. It takes most of us quite a while to get how little their words mean when it comes to translating them into action. How astonishingly self-centred these folks can be. Or how words on a Tuesday can be followed by the exact opposite on a Wednesday.

Imho that just takes some time to accept and it’s hard to navigate until we get it. Once we do, it alters our expectations and that makes it easier to deal with. Or work around. Or walk away from.

It was brave of you to say No thanks. And to say what you preferred. Well done.

Sounds like he has ignored your preferences and converted it into something that suits him better? Which is textbook fwiw. Remember, you can say No, not now, not like this any time you want. It does not require your spending time with him for him to see the kids. And if he doesn’t want to do that? Well, sadly, that’s the current reality of the father they’ve got. It may evolve, but it is as it is right now.

I understand why Xyzcf wants to remind you and others that you have options, that it does not have to be all or nothing. However - again jmo - that time when we can accept their limitations with some level of grace and even love is not so easy for most of us to do while we are still feeling as if we are on the metaphorical battlefield. Right now imho you do whatever seems most sane, wise and brings some peace in your life…and if that means less interaction with him for a while, that’s fine. If things change, if it becomes easier, you can always change your mind and your approach.

And if he does swing by tomorrow, give yourself a break and take yourself off even if it’s just for a walk or 30 mins at a cafe watching the world go by. And if he doesn’t, maybe try to do something with your kids like that zoo day - something simple, a picnic, a trip to a nice playground, a walk and some ice cream. Bc it’s ok to look after you too x

[xyzcf]

Right now imho you do whatever seems most sane, wise and brings some peace in your life…and if that means less interaction with him for a while, that’s fine. If things change, if it becomes easier, you can always change your mind and your approach.

As I stated earlier, it is very hard not to have "expectations"....we still have the memory of who they were, not who they are.

What treasur said was something my therapist said to me when I struggled with should I or should I not see him.....she told me, that choice was totally up to me and I could change my mind from one day to the next....I found that very freeing.

There was a time, quite a long time really when I did not allow myself to be anywhere near him...as friends of mine pointed out recently, I was "terrified" of him..that sounded rather over the top...but thinking further, I was very fearful of the feelings that he evoked in me when he was in my "space". But we do have a child and I did not want to feel "fear" or any other negative feelings when I was around him, because that was going to happen due to our daughter and the events that would occur over the years in her life.

Once again, I will refer to a sentence that someone here gave me when I was about to see him for the first time in 19 months, "treat him like a long lost relative that you do not know very well."

Getting in touch with our feelings/our needs/ what works for us takes time..it takes trial and error and I think really it takes pretty intense therapy because the abandonment, rejection and betrayal creates very very deep wounds in us...I realized then that all those songs about having a "broken heart" were true..because that is how it felt.

He has expressed he only had 45 min sleep, he's tired...absolutely no awareness of how tired you are coping with the kids and all the other responsibilities of running a home and the stress of what you are going through....typical of the "me,me,me" persona of MLC.

[Hollie220423]

He has expressed he only had 45 min sleep, he's tired...absolutely no awareness of how tired you are coping with the kids and all the other responsibilities of running a home and the stress of what you are going through....typical of the "me,me,me" persona of MLC.

This is exactly how I felt there are some days when I have only had 45 mins of sleep a night but then have to get up and take care of 3 children and that isn’t after a 2 week nice relaxing holiday - he said to me he could tell the strain it was having and he was meant to be coming over to help me - but because I don’t want to take a trip out he’s withdrawn it all - I found it so hard to not bite back and be all angry about it.. but I just think what’s the point.

I fully appreciate all the opinions here - I accepted the offer because I am so so lonely in this single parenting that the thought of my old Sundays when I was so emotionally invested on Tuesday felt warm and familiar - him telling me that he wanted to come home and crying down the phone Tuesday - to then having a nice holiday..? I just can’t cope with it - I want to spend time with him and do regularly for the kids because the baby is so small he hasn’t got anywhere to have him - but going out as a family jus felt like it would kill me. I know we would have had a nice time and then he would leave again to get into bed beside her - what she has over me I don’t know I hate how I feel so inadequate.

The heartbreak is absolutely still there and I think this would have just resurfaced it so right decision has been made I feel.

[sachertorte]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

He is not an oriental emperor (I am of Asian descent .) He does not get to practice concubineage. I am not saying that is what you would be if you all go out together as a family. I am saying that he would, unbeknownest to his sex-muddled depressed brain even, be poaching the benefits of both marriage and affair. His making that a precondition of his carrying out his duties as a parent does not give him loads of credit. You won't be giving him permission to do that to you, but he is not above snatching it himself and, what's more, not even have the empathy and self-awareness to acknowledge that is what he does.

You are the greatest parent. I hope you can tap into some support and take care of yourself.

[UrsaMajor]

Yum Yum!  Cake eating.....
{snark mode on}
"I wanna play "Happy Family" but I fired my spouse and they don't want to play with me...... boo hoo hoo..... They are SO mean...... I think I will throw all my toys out of my stroller because I didn't get my way.... "
{/snark mode}

[Hollie220423]

Hi all, so it turns out that he did want to have a conversation on the day mentioned previously about how he feels. But he’s still incredibly odd.

He has now decided to move his stuff out of the gf’s house, as he is unsure of how he feels - but continue a relationship with her so technically currently she is still his gf. He says he missed the kids of course and family life - but then he said he does feel like there are times where he just misses me and he needs to remove himself from there to figure it out. He now knows he jumped into another relationship to soon and hasn’t had the time to jus grieve etc.

He says we have been getting on so well, he can see all the reasons now as to why he felt the way he did and is in therapy for them.

He lost his job - they made cut backs and he said that it dawned on him that how can he be going out with her and spending money etc because to put it bluntly he could be quite literally taking the food of his kids table.

I have said nothing about anything as far as I’m concerned nothing changes - I would like to try and think we maybe could reconcile but I am not sure also without trying I’ll never know - but until he leaves her nothing will happen from my end.

It’s confusing me - because I understand he is unsure od what he wants he described it as a thick fog that he feels is starting to lift, I have seen my husband again at times which is hard..

Has anyone navigated this stage (which I’m sure it more than likely is) how should I be just carry on…

[KayDee]

There's a lot of 'he' in what you wrote. What about you? What has he said about the effect of all this on you. On the kids? What actions is he proposing?

He says we have been getting on so well, he can see all the reasons now as to why he felt the way he did and is in therapy for them.

It's a kind of skewed mindset to think you are 'getting on so well', when he devastated his family, physically left and betrayed you with a random OW. How does he think that is 'getting along'?

Trust not what he says about the relationship with the OW. Did he decide to move stuff out, or did she throw it out of the window? No matter, except 1) the crisis person lies, and then we get hurt again by the lies 2) his actions may not be so introspective, more based on necessity.  Consequences are starting to bite.

Has anyone navigated this stage (which I’m sure it more than likely is) how should I be just carry on…

Yup. And I suspect a great many of us. I think in the parlance of the forum this is a touch and go. The Touch is so misleading, the Go throws us into a tailspin.  Hold the fort Hollie. IMO he is still a long way from where he ought to be for any kind of meaningful reconnection. You are doing the right thing. You sound so much calmer and stronger than you did a few months back.

[UrsaMajor]

He has now decided to move his stuff out of the gf’s house, as he is unsure of how he feels - but continue a relationship with her so technically currently she is still his gf. He says he missed the kids of course and family life - but then he said he does feel like there are times where he just misses me and he needs to remove himself from there to figure it out. He now knows he jumped into another relationship to soon and hasn’t had the time to jus grieve etc.

He says we have been getting on so well, he can see all the reasons now as to why he felt the way he did and is in therapy for them.

Actions... CONSISTENT actions are what count. Otherwise it is just more verbal diarrhea.....

He lost his job - they made cut backs and he said that it dawned on him that how can he be going out with her and spending money etc because to put it bluntly he could be quite literally taking the food of his kids table.

I have said nothing about anything as far as I’m concerned nothing changes - I would like to try and think we maybe could reconcile but I am not sure also without trying I’ll never know - but until he leaves her nothing will happen from my end.

Exactly. He made his choices and now he needs to show that he is serious. Step 1 is no more AffairDown

It’s confusing me - because I understand he is unsure of what he wants he described it as a thick fog that he feels is starting to lift, I have seen my husband again at times which is hard..

Has anyone navigated this stage (which I’m sure it more than likely is) how should I be just carry on…

Until he gets his head out of his .... fog ..... It will be confusing because it is all words... Look for consistent actions. If he is still "with " her even if he is not living with her, then he has shown you what his current mindFiretruck is and where his priorities lie....

[Hollie220423]

You are both correct in what you say I do feel good actually and weirdly it hasn’t effected my energy this time I’m almost just feeling meh.. whatevs I guess I am at that stage now of detachment.

He has said a lot to me about my feelings. He has said he know he has destroyed me and the kids and he just wishes he had the clarity he has now then and he wants to make sure he makes the right decision as he does not and will not hurt me and the kids again like he has done.

He said to me yesterday that he had 14 years with me and it was super special we had some lovely times and got on so well and I am still technically his wife - 😂😂😂 so I said to him as bluntly and kindly as I could - so..

Yes I know I am still your wife but She is your gf you left me for her remember….
You are still romantically and physically involved with her
Still will be spending time with our kids and her..?

So really nothing has changed other than your moving back to your mums to figure out how you feel? 

He was a bit taken a back I think hearing me say it that way almost was like a bit of a wake up call.

What I wanted to say was that if you are having doubts whether she is right for you then the answer is prob no as when you know you know right? She’s very unhappy and upset about it (haha) I know I shouldn’t laugh but I’m not quite sure what she expected when she dated a man who was only 2 months out of a 14 year relationship with his wife with a baby on the way (that’s if the timeline is correct)

[beyondblessed]

KD, beat me to it, in calling him out for his, me, me, me diatribe.  I know you want to believe his words that he isn't sure about his gf, and truthfully, he probably knows deep down she's a huge mistake, but from everything else he's spewing, he's not thinking about you at all.  That is just as much of a red flag.  His actions are self serving.  Good on you for letting him twist in the wind until gf really is out of the picture.   

He's lost his job and things are starting to spiral.  Don't get sucked into the mess he's created.