[FrenchHusband]

In reading Hearts Blessings materials, she said that MLCers will sometimes sneak home, where they just gradually return.  I get the feeling that he is not ready for discussions at this point.  However, I am thinking that if we do continue down this path, we have to have a conversation at some point.  I know that several others have been in reconnection for a while.  Do I wait to see if he will come to me? 

Advice or insight appreciated!

Hi Happylight,

you seem to be doing well : well done ! And you have seen that when you "ARE STILL", you husband is moving in the right direction. And well, to be true, at a slower pace than you may wish ? (see snail/turtle drawing)
Even if I am no expert in reconnection phase, I understand your need/want of THE CONVERSATION. I often have also the temptation to engage it, then I remember that doing nothing is sometimes the best way of action. You write it yourself : I get the feeling that he is not ready for discussions at this point.. I guess you can trust your feeling.

[Songanddance]

We are 18 months from first bomb drop that I suspect was the beginning of replay, (he said he wanted a divorce and was really mean, but within a couple of hours was begging and pleading for forgiveness and said he didn't know what was wrong with him), but he was engaging in replay behaviors by then.  The bomb drop that truly clued me in to what was really going on was only 14 months ago.  I suspect he might be at the end of replay and kind of swinging back and forth between replay and depression/liminality.

  I get the feeling that he is not ready for discussions at this point.  However, I am thinking that if we do continue down this path, we have to have a conversation at some point.

Be careful of stage watching.  Reconnection will happen very slowly and the spouse will be the last person to reconnect with.

Correct  - there is no point having any kind of discussions yet for quite a while and if there are to be any they need to be organic and "spontaneous".   You cannot say to an MLCer in early stages of reconnection " We need to talk". 

Just be still and let it be......

[MadLuv]

For what it’s worth, If I could do it all over again? I would have exited door left and allowed my now XH to just live the life completely how he thought he wanted. Conversations and savior thinking just can’t help the situation. They need time to clear their warped thinking and see it all more clearly. For the LBS however it is so hard to do.

[Happylight]

For what it’s worth, If I could do it all over again? I would have exited door left and allowed my now XH to just live the life completely how he thought he wanted. Conversations and savior thinking just can’t help the situation. They need time to clear their warped thinking and see it all more clearly. For the LBS however it is so hard to do.

It is so very hard to do--especially when they are in and out!   I started tracking since I think he has been increasing--he spent 11 nights away from the house in March, and I think there was only one day we didn't see him at all.  He was at the house from Tuesday -Saturday morning this last week. I was preparing myself because I could tell he was getting stressed by week end.  He left Saturday afternoon and I have only heard from him on a few limited things--he did respond immediately when I sent text regarding our daughter's softball schedule this week.  Nothing about this is fair, and the fact is, ending my stand isn't going to fix the fact that I still have to continue to be the defacto parent in the house. 

This Sunday at church was the story of the prodigal son.  I have heard many lessons on this through the years.  I saw and heard it in a different light this weekend.  One aspect was a line about the son--"When he returned to himself,"  (I am not sure what translation it is), but I was like--Was he having an MLC?  The other thing that stood out me was a part about the father covering the son's shame, which he did by welcoming him back, giving him clothing and sandals.  We are called to be like the father, but often as the standing spouse, we feel like the other son.  The one who stayed and did the right thing and become angry because they feel they aren't recognized.  I am trying to hold on to this now. 

It is odd some of the changes I am seeing that I didn't notice earlier.  His music choices seem to be returning back....he used to be a classic rock guy and he changed over to outlaw country slowly over time before the bomb drop....I am now hearing classic rock again frequently.  He switched his preferred drink from Whiskey to tequila a few months prior to bomb drop, and now has switched back.  He always wore white undershirts and switched to black undershirts and now has switched back to white (the imagery of the old white hat cowboys vs blackhat cowboys comes to mind here).  These are small things, but it is so crazy to see these things happening.  I am hoping the switch back is a good sign. 

[MadLuv]

You will find with time so many things yourself more clearly. We are so focused on them and what they are doing for so long and when they are in the picture it is hard to disconnect and see things only from Your view.  My XH hated country music and was all of a sudden buying country for his ipod on itunes. I found an email list of songs from his unreciprocated OW3 and that explained that.

After the divorce when I was transferring music for him I asked if there was anything I didn’t need to transfer over.  He said, you can get rid of all the country. 😂🤣  Also, once I discovered OWife he said, she just lets me be. Well, he was buying nair by the buckets with rubber gloves and scrubbies. D33 told me, OWife said she will not deal with any man hair. It all has to go!! Well, XH body is a bear. Buckets of nair make sense now. So much for being accepted as is 😂🤣

They just do the craziest things and their logic is insanity. It is hard to watch and hard not to point out . Its all a train wreck you desperately want to watn them of, but they are standing in front of the train on the track and they cant hear you. So, you can’t save them.

[Happylight]

Another night at home. I have noticed that he starts to seem overwhelmed and struggles to deal with some of the chaos that the kids cause, but seems to be aware of it and try to contain it.   That is stressful for me because 1)I HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT ALL THE TIME (and don't get to runaway 2) I try to mitigate their chaos to make things less stressful because I want him to be there for the kids 3) I fear negative emotions just make him want to leave (which I do know isn't my problem).   My stand has little impact on the parenting. If I end my stand, it won't change this part of my role.  I also have made every effort to reduce impact of this on my kids. 

He lived at home for 3 months after bomb drop because there was not any availability at the RV park.  After he moved out (11 months ago) He was never a vanisher, but There were months where we didn't see him for several days at a time and he didn't spend the night at home for several months.  It first started with a night every now and then.  Then maybe once or twice a week.  He now seems to be averaging being home every day and spending the night 2 out of 3 nights on average. 

All my life I have been an avid reader.  I loved to read.  Since crisis started, I cannot seem to get into reading anymore.  It is really sad to me, and I don't understand why.  I have listened to a few audio books, but most have been self-help style books.  Has anybody else experienced this?  I have several new hobbies, learning piano, crochet, plus I have been cooking from scratch more, working out daily, and doing bible reflection on a daily basis.  I just really wish I could find my love for reading again.  I pick books up and nothing seems to catch me like it used to, and when I do read I find myself forcing to finish instead of tearing through books in a day or two. 

[zartheit]

All my life I have been an avid reader.  I loved to read.  Since crisis started, I cannot seem to get into reading anymore.  It is really sad to me, and I don't understand why.  I have listened to a few audio books, but most have been self-help style books.  Has anybody else experienced this?  I have several new hobbies, learning piano, crochet, plus I have been cooking from scratch more, working out daily, and doing bible reflection on a daily basis.  I just really wish I could find my love for reading again.  I pick books up and nothing seems to catch me like it used to, and when I do read I find myself forcing to finish instead of tearing through books in a day or two. 

I couldn't read for quite a long time. My own understanding is that the same "space" where I would read is where I would experience anxiety. The anxiety was much more charismatic and sucked up all the oxygen leaving little room for anything particularly "intellectual". I picked up more hands-on hobbies like hiking and working out.

In my case, I let the books pile up. I stopped trying. I gave up control. I had the thought that forcing myself was a type of self-inflicted violence "for my own good". I decided to trust that I knew what was truly for my own good and listen to that part of me that was protesting. I would still order ones that sounded interesting but wouldn't even bother to open them. Slowly (UNBEARABLY slowly), eventually, the joy and curiosity returned. I'm now back to my normal reading habit, though a little bit more judicious and exotic. I drop books left and right these days, whereas before I would always finish them. I still have that book pile, but the elements have all turned over. Like life, nothing really ends you just flow through it.

[KayDee]

I couldn't really focus on books for a while and I too am an avid reader. I did keep reading (slowly) and I went for short stories, or books with simplicity e.g. I read Christ Stopped at Eboli, The Salt Path, among others. Both are about paring life right back to basics, and are also very beautiful. For me in the wake of BD, my mind was racing around - I think that is a symptom of the trauma,  being sort of hyper alert. So the slowness of these books was great. A lot of great literature involves us entering imaginatively into another world or context though and it's hard to do this when we are utterly consumed with what has recently happened. When we are trying to makes sense of our own immediate world. Anyway, try not to worry, this joy, and many others, will come back.

[UrsaMajor]

After the Atomic BD, I was in the middle of a launch campaign for a satellite and up to my ears in documentation. Reading the excruciatingly detailed technical stuff was OK for me (that Hyper-focus KayDee mentioned) because it gave me a very specific focus to work on but, other than that, I couldn't even read a newspaper.... I'd forget what article I was reading if I had to go to Page 3. I tried to continue reading one of the "for fun" books I had started before ABD and could NOT follow the story line more than a page....

[titleholder]

I agree with everybody here! I'm also a massive reader and 2 years post BD I'm getting back into it slowly.. But it still takes me a lot of willpower to turn to a book instead of devices or TV.