[FrenchHusband]

And tbh, if you were to believe what all of the MLC folks have said as they blew up our lives and ran out of the door, you are dealing with the most horrible, worthless, controlling, burdensome and plain mean set of LBS humans here. Awful people. Terrible partners. Not worth spit.  including me. 

Oh yes thanks for these words. I almost forgot it, here in this forum we are the worse gathering of villains that the world has ever seen, all of us are second cousins to the devil , and LBS actually means Loathsome Brothers & Sisters .

[heartbeat]

I posted a while ago about my own story. Heard some nice things back. I’m suffering a lot.

I am still rebuilding my life. I still have work issues and money problems that I’m trying to solve. I desperately hope someday soon I’ll post saying in a sentence that it got better. In the meantime, my healing has been so confusing and frought.


My ex hasn’t contacted me again. I am left still wondering how long it’s been over for. Six months since it started, it feels like so much, but only three months since he made it official (on his own terms… oh, but of course). I am not loving where I live. I need to make money to move with my cats someday. I’m a 34 year old loser with no friends because I’m new to this country and he spent time lying so much to our mutual friends. And, all I want is love. Maybe this is unusual, but my grief includes wanting a new relationship. I am struggling because he hasn’t contacted me since April, and likely won’t again but he ‘watches’ my Instagram stories. I had a mutual friend yesterday reply to a story where I said I felt I’d never been loved to tell me to go to therapy and… well, I lost my $h!te. After all the money I’ve had to spend to just stay in therapy and do all the ‘correct’ things to just survive, I just have the sense that he got to her first (maybe he even had sex with her… who cares). I am struggling to just hit the block button because the head game is strong. If I block him on social media, then surely I have ‘chosen’ to end things, even though he was the one to torture me and destroy a beautiful connection to the point that I cannot trust him enough to be friends. Whatever, I guess. I cried all day.


I desperately want to be loved right now. My friends are far. I haven’t had a single person in my life be close enough that I can just cry on a shoulder. My housemate pointed out that he had helped me move a couple months ago, and I had to explain that his ‘help’ was only given to me after I literally begged, and then didn’t ask any other friends because I wanted so badly to spare his feelings in the hopes of… anything. I remember him confirming he didn’t want anyone over in that last while.

Sometimes I want to call him to scream at him. I never will. My only power is removing myself from him (except he still looks… lurks… ugh).

Anyway, I hate this! I am out of confidence and I doubt anyone will want me for anything except being a willing body. I don’t care. I am struggling to understand how to meet or trust anyone ever again. I can’t meet people through work with my career in freelance. Dating apps don’t work for me, though I’m trying. I don’t want to ‘stand.’ I want someone to actually love me but I don’t know how anyone ever could when I’m this broken.

Can anyone tell me there’s love after this? I need to pretend there’s a reason I still open my eyes in the morning.

[AlvinTheMaker]

There can be love after all this. Many samples of one on this forum, yours truly included.

But if you go seeking love as broken person, you will mostly attract other broken hearts. And that can make relationships very difficult as broken+broken does not equal a healthy relationship. As sad as it is, you need to give your heart, soul and mind proper time to heal with you.

Even though it can be hard to feel grateful right now, good things will come over time if you allow yourself the time and work required for healing.

Last but least.....how do you meet someone new. Go out and meet people, have fun and socialize,date and explore, even tinder works... it's the same old same as ever. Not sure how many dates I had in total, but there were quite many. You are gonna have the good, the bad, and the ugly (feel free to check my topic for some of my dating experiences). But eventually, you will encounter new love.

Alvin

[titleholder]

Hey Heartbeat!

It's a difficult road, but I'm more than 2 years after BD and I can definitely say that it gets better. The things that helped me the most were:
- Therapy; for me that lasted a couple of months and then my therapist told me I have a healthy way of coping with everything that has happened and he didn't see reason for further treatment.
- Limited contact with my xH, if we didn't had a daughter together I would have gone no contact for my own healing. I blocked him everywhere on social media and I never painshop.
- Find things in my life that give me joy; for me that was focusing on my daughter and spending a lot of time outside and in nature.

After 10-11 months after BD I felt that there was room in my life to date. I wanted to take some time to heal, to be on my own but I also noticed myself hanging on to hoping my xH would come back and that it would be healthy for me to step away from that hope. The first man I met was a broken one and after everything that has happened with my xH I definitely had a morphed vison of what dating/love was. I don't regret that relationship because it helped me break loose and also learned me even more what my own values are and what I want and do not want in a relationship.

I've been in another relationship now for 8 months and I can say that it's a healthy one with good communication, love and a lot of fun. This man is choosing me, my daughter and my past with my xH for 100% and I wouldn't want anything less. I learned that I can make it on my own in this life and that whatever happens I have myself to fall back on. I rather spend my life with somebody else, but would never choose a toxic- or unhealthy relationship above that.

I hope this helps.. It will be better! Just take your time to heal a bit, learn to stand on your own two feet and when you feel you've found some stability go out and have fun! Allow yourself to make mistakes and find what suits you. I wish you all the best!

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Another one that has moved on and in another relationship (together for almost ten years and married for six). Just like you, I was caught off-guard and for three years tries to navigate MLC until our divorce that year.

Dating is hard, but

Find things in my life that give me joy; for me that was focusing on my daughter and spending a lot of time outside and in nature.

This is the key to finding joy and being ready for another relationship. You have to love you first and be able to find joy on your own. Otherwise, you are looking for something to fill a void. The problem is that relationships can enhance our lives, but they don't make our lives. You have to have the confidence in yourself that you can live on without anybody and still be fine.

Even though it can be hard to feel grateful right now, good things will come over time if you allow yourself the time and work required for healing.

Learning to love yourself and healing go hand in hand.

I want someone to actually love me but I don’t know how anyone ever could when I’m this broken.

Then you love you and then seek outwards.

Now my story, a little over a year after the divorce, I met my wife through a dating ap. The funny thing was that she was not going to renew her subscription to the ap as she was completely done with online dating. She told her coworkers, "I'm going to go out and have dinner with this guy and live the rest of my life single." Well, she did go out on the date and she did let her subscription lapse, but she is not single (LOL).

I learned that I can make it on my own in this life and that whatever happens I have myself to fall back on.

Very good words and once again it demonstrates that you are happy in your own skin. That is the most important aspect of your healing and recovery.

Be good to yourself and know that we are all here to support anf help you find the path that takes you forward.

(((Ready)))

[forthetrees]

I would suggest doing either volunteer work of some sort or having a garden or even some container plants. Literally go back to elementary school thing of planting bean seeds in a cup, water, and wait. That miracle of sprouting is awe inspiring no matter your age. By volunteering you can either go somewhere and interact or make something to donate. In my lowest of lows I crocheted crowns for kids in hospital. By taking care of something or someone else you will distract yourself from the overwhelming pain. Dating in your present state is not a great idea. If you are craving human touch go get a hair cut with a shampooing or if you can afford it, a massage.

[WHY]

I’m gonna send some truth darts your way.  You are nowhere near ready for a new relationship.   Getting involved in one now when you’re in this broken state will only create more misery and despair.  You don’t need more carnage in your life.  It will just mean more trauma to deal with.   

There is plenty of light at the end of the tunnel.   There is life after this. I never believed it myself two years ago but it is true.  I promise you. 

However.   You need time to journey through your own tunnel of self discovery before you can reach the light.  And your tunnel is long. 

You’re desperate for someone to love you right now?  This is the MLcer path, searching for external fixes to repair internal unhappiness.   But this will fix absolutely nothing.  You need to learn to love yourself first.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Take it day by day.   I promise you.  It does get better.   

[heartbeat]

Hey everyone. He blocked me after I made this post, and then I blocked him back on WhatsApp. I guess I made too loud a pain post. I want to apologize to him or repair but on another hand, I am so scared that reaching out will just cause more hurt. He can still email me if he wants to get in touch but just… yeah.

I have sat with a lot of things in the aftermath of those ties being cut. For one, blocking me was probably the most cohesive part of breaking up, including the ACTUAL BREAK UP. As he left he said he loved me and that he felt we needed to break up to come back together (all while de-registering and physically moving out of an entire country to get away while saying he didn’t want to live here and never wanted to come back, while also knowing I don’t have other places I can go, while nearly making me homeless, while abandoning me entirely…. It’s so hard). The post that made him cut ties was one where I mentioned I kinda felt like I’ve never been loved. It is so hard for me to process his actions right now, because as he was going and leaving a horrible aftermath, picking on me, breaking down, cycling through all the terrible MLC stuff, there was love somehow. But I know it’s over, because the betrayal is so deep. I also realized that there were many things I settled for over the years. Dynamics, gestures and habits that hurt, but were never deal breakers because I cared that much for him. I never need to settle for certain things again and that was cathartic in himself.

The thing is, I wish I could reach out. Everything in me wants this to be any bit better for both of us. But goddamnit, I didn’t break it. I am stuck between the hurt of wishing I could make it better, wondering if we’ll ever speak again, and knowing simultaneously that I didn’t burn the bridge in the first place. :’( it’s horribly sad but I’m embracing the space and the silence, and I feel suddenly able to articulate the things I want and need in my next partner. I am focusing on creating a beautiful life in spite of having nothing left and so many other problems at my feet. I am talking to friends and making new ones.

Oh, and I sprouted some lentils this week. So that helped.

[Songanddance]

WHY - gave you a couple of 2x4s and to a certain degree I agree.

YOU are BROKEN - you know you are - you acknowledge you are.  You are also in denial and this is part of the stages of grief otherwise why would you lose your "s****" on a mutual friend who suggested you go to therapy.  Maybe she didn't know that you had already been to therapy. Was that really fair on her when what she might see is a friend she cares about fall apart?

How do I know that you are broken and no where near ready for another R?
 

I still have work issues and money problems that I’m trying to solve.

And until those are on the way to being resolved these issues also hold you back

In the meantime, my healing has been so confusing and fraught.

Because you are in denial and seeking a quick fix

I am left still wondering how long it’s been over for. Six months since it started, it feels like so much,

MLC takes time - and sadly the marriage dies the day the BD happens and when the LBSer accepts this then the healing can genuinely begin. The crying, the clinging are all part of the early stages of grief.

I’m a 34 year old loser with no friends because I’m new to this country and he spent time lying so much to our mutual friends. And, all I want is love.

Be careful here - you're making yourself a victim and relationships are not built on victim mentality.

I am struggling because he hasn’t contacted me since April, and likely won’t again but he ‘watches’ my Instagram stories.

Two things - you are therefore not ready for a new relationship, because you are struggling with the old one.  Secondly - yes MLCers watch but why are you posting about your negative situation; that also keeps you in victim mentality.

I just have the sense that he got to her first (maybe he even had sex with her… who cares)

YOU DO !  Otherwise why would you even think it? 

I am struggling to just hit the block button because the head game is strong. If I block him on social media, then surely I have ‘chosen’ to end things, even though he was the one to torture me and destroy a beautiful connection to the point that I cannot trust him enough to be friends

NO he chose to end things when he walked out of the marriage - you are simply closing the door to protect yourself and get on with your healing. And no you cannot trust an MLCer to be friends.  I am 11 yrs on from BD  and  fully reconnected with my H (36 yrs now) and yet I cannot trust him the way I used to - not yet anyway.

My housemate pointed out that he had helped me move a couple months ago, and I had to explain that his ‘help’ was only given to me after I literally begged,

So that was your thank you to him regardless of how he helped you?   I'm quite baffled at this statement but then again - it also indicates that you are very much in denial and victim mode.

I am out of confidence and I doubt anyone will want me for anything except being a willing body. I don’t care. I am struggling to understand how to meet or trust anyone ever again. I can’t meet people through work with my career in freelance. Dating apps don’t work for me, though I’m trying. I don’t want to ‘stand.’ I want someone to actually love me

I'm a great believer in that "If it's meant to be it's up to me!" statement.   Whilst you have this understandably negative thinking and self talk - all of the above will perpetuate.  Maybe your therapist gave you "survival" strategies for the immediate fallout but the self talk, teaching yourself to understand that you have to want to heal that you will do what it takes to get on the healing path is so important.
So maybe your mutual friend is correct - get some different therapy.  I had weekly and then fortnightly therapy for 12+ months before I felt fully confident again - I decided that my mental, emotional and physical well being needed it regardless of the cost.

However - you know what is brilliant about you posting on here
1. You are not alone
2 You get advice, care, strategies, techniques to help you for free!
3. You also learn about MLC and how the LBS navigates his/her way around the next few years
4. You learn from so many different stories
5. You learn to pay it forward to help others who are in the same situation as you but you are a little wiser and more aware of everything.

Finally - the universe will only give you what it believes you need and not what you want.  So finding a new R is not on the cards for you just yet because you are not ready for one.

Keep posting and keep learning.....

[Songanddance]

I have also merged both of your topics under this title.

Keep one thread at a time and follow it through until 150 posts.

Thanks