[Greenacre]

Just seems a distinct impossibility when I hear how completely into each other they are.

Thankyou. Honestly this has been the hardest thing to go through. Especially sharing the same work building and lots of mutual friends/colleagues there. He is a surgeon and in weeks leading up to him leaving me he went from initiating conversations about who we would invite to the wedding to suddenly talking about how he hated his job so much and felt like doing something completely different.

After D Day as I call it, at first he was giving me cold ‘hellos’ but recently (I guess with the appearance of his new play toy) has literally been diving through the nearest doorway or leaving rooms when he sees me. Those actions are kind of in a weird way keeping me filled with a bit of hope because surely if someone was so indifferent or ‘over’ everything they wouldn’t behave like that?

Not hearing about it is part of the Great Comms Black Out that will save your sanity. If friends are telling you, kindly ask them not to. It's also so much better in helping maintain friendships. The MLC drama chaos circus spreads its poison.

If you can find another route each week, even better. If you can't, crank up the car stereo, eyes forward!

[in it]

It's probably the guilt that makes him hide and avoid.   Don't read too much into it.
However you cannot trust him. If you do not have trust you do not have anything.

 Anyone who would run off into the night like this while supposedly in a committed  relationship  isn't a horse you'd want to bet on.
You sound self sufficient and independent. Focus on you and your own well being. Make sure you sleep, eat well and stay hydrated.
.

 Do you have any friends just of your own? What about family? Support is important.

[Greenacre]

Yes I’ve got friends and family around me - they really are great but I do just get the typical ‘move on’ ‘screw him’ etc lines so they don’t understand.

I guess I’m finding it hard to give up because
I know how really happy we were and that all of this came about from a huge amount of work, life, family stress at the time and then to top it off him running off to someone like this and with such a huge age gap just smacks to me of MLC. I just don’t know?

I know fixing anything all has to come from him but at the same time I’m determined to do what I can to help it along. I know we weren’t married but as another friend said to me that our age, co-habiting and length of time together etc we practically were.

[in it]

As much as you might like to help it along the best thing for you to do in my humble opinion is get right out of the way. That way a whole lot less damage will be done to you.
Yes and family and friends don't want you to dwell  and have a lack of what to say.

You deserve better than this. You have to believe that.

[UrsaMajor]

I guess I’m finding it hard to give up because I know how really happy we were and that all of this came about from a huge amount of work, life, family stress at the time and then to top it off him running off to someone like this and with such a huge age gap just smacks to me of MLC. I just don’t know?

I know fixing anything all has to come from him but at the same time I’m determined to do what I can to help it along. I know we weren’t married but as another friend said to me that our age, co-habiting and length of time together etc we practically were.

How can you help along a tornado that is bearing down on you? Stand outside, yell, wave your arms and tell it to go away? In It is right. Get your happy rear end into your tornado shelter (i. e. take care of yourself first) and then, once the storm is past, do a damage survey and see if there is anything worth recovering / saving.

Whether it is an MLC or something else is really not all that relevant in the grand scheme of things. What matters is that YOU take control  charge of YOUR life, your emotions and your well-being. He is off to the races on whatever path he has chosen to navigate and there is not a penny-plinking thing you can do to change it, alter the course of it, or help it along.

[Greenacre]

Thanks all. It’s such a rollercoaster. At times I feel ok (sometimes even really good!) at others I still feel so utterly confused why he changed and has done what he has done out of the blue and suddenly treated me this way. I didn’t recognise him?

The rational, logical person in me would kill for a grown up conversation about it……the other side of me knows he isn’t capable. We never argued, were so close, so happy, I just don’t get it…..I read so much conflicting information too that it’s hard to know what to do with it……remove yourself, go silent to - be warm, approachable, a place of no stress. Where do I place myself?

As for ME, I’m no longer the anxious heartbroken mess I was. If anything I healed an awful lot and went through a bit of a ‘F-it’ phase where I turned into superwoman and that scared the bejesus out of me but I was quick to recognise what it was.

 I guess the whole problem is you can’t really get truly angry with someone when you know it is THEY who destroyed everything with their problems. As the one left behind that’s a really difficult thing to compute and the empath in me is still here thinking they will come around and realise.

[WHY]

I can count the number of arguments we had over 20 years on one hand....

I genuinely think it has something to do with most MLCers having the common trait of being avoidant / people pleasers.  This has been their coping mechanism throughout their lives.  And they suddenly reach a point where it doesnt work for them anymore and they self destruct.

[in it]

This is quite confusing however I read these conflicting things about how to act around them, I found if you are kind to them after what they've done they may up the ante to bring out the worst in you.

 It makes no sense to them that they do all this damage and then you are kind.

So I just reflect back the same kind of energy I'm shown. If someone says horrible things to me I do not hesitate to say them right back.If you listen carefully it's usually their own projection. Spare yourself from any emotional abuse as the things they say can be very cruel.

I'd avoid him as much as possible and continue to heal. I think you are doing great.
You may be looking for closure about the only closure you need comes from you and that you deserve better.

[WHY]

Read up about narcissistic supply and how to cut it off so you don't fuel the monster.

Giving them the cold shoulder or ignoring them is still feeding the monster so that's not the right approach.  You need to figure out a way to live completely disengaged so you cut off that supply. 

[Greenacre]

Read up about narcissistic supply and how to cut it off so you don't fuel the monster.

Giving them the cold shoulder or ignoring them is still feeding the monster so that's not the right approach.  You need to figure out a way to live completely disengaged so you cut off that supply.

The insight, compassion and knowledge from you ladies is amazing and so lovely. It seems to come from an inherent strength rather than listening to all the folks who preach ‘pull your big girl knickers up’ and ‘forget him’ and ‘move on!’

A few people have said to me what he did was ‘not normal’ and could potentially be narcissistic. Prior to this I just naively narcs were people who loved posing in mirrors…..I’ve read more
and lots of it resonates.

I’ll admit, I used to love his cockiness and arrogance when we were together (I found it incredibly sexy and at times funny) until the day he turned on me….literally all the things he said he loved about me me (kindness, patience, being laid back) all got switched on me in the last few weeks before he turned into a total stranger. It was the the most confusing, disorientating and horrible thing from my ‘best friend’. The most confusing thing of all is there was absolutely no reason for it. I won’t put a label on what I think he ‘is’. I don’t think that’s the right thing to do. Does he have narcissistic tendencies? Yes. Do I think he’s avoidant and self sabotaged by far the longest and best thing he ever had? Yes. Is he the most charming, funniest, loving person I’ve ever met who I could literally finish his sentences…..? Also yes.

His longest relationship of 14 months before me when he was 40 should have perhaps been a huge huge red flag which I chose ignore. I can’t have been half bad to stick out 4 years and have a house and wedding planned….

Despite how horribly I portray him on here that is just a snapshot of what I saw at the end. I’ve still struggled to get to a place of anger even months on as I know the creature I see in front of me isn’t the one that I know nor recognise.


And so….here we are. Part of