[OffRoad]

I work in software in the auto industry and as such there is a concept of a core. This is not what most people think of when they refer to their core being, but having read midlifecrisis50's thread, it made me start to think.

In auto parts a core is the empty shell left over when some or all the parts that can wear out do wear out. In a Battery it's the plates or terminals or corrosion causing issues , in an alternator it's the brushes, bearing/bushings/terminals. When you remove all the replaceable parts, all that is left is a shell that can be rebuilt. If the shell is cracked, it can't be rebuilt. If the wrong new parts are put in the shell, it either will work poorly or won't work at all. If a wrong part is put in and it doesn't work, you can usually remove the wrong part and put in a new one that does work, unless the part you put in destroys the shell.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

The part that always confused me is the absolute NEED to get away. The anger and horrible things an MLCer could do to someone makes sense if they believe that person is keeping them from escaping or getting what they need and they feel they must escape or die. But what causes that need? WHAT IF that person has simply used up all their brushes or bearings? We all know we have individual limits, capabilities and experiences that shape how we handle things.

Everytime a person has to face a major event, they use up some extra of their brushes or bearings (good or bad). Maybe some people have something stuck in their bearings that make them wear out a little bit faster. Maybe some people know how to replace their brushes and bearings on a regular basis (sharpen the saw or recharge the batteries) and some people don't recognize that need. But bottom line, what if someone just wears out their brushes and bearings, all the worn out parts fall out and all they are left with is a core, an empty shell. They know they need to fill up that shell with something, but the people around them want to put the broken bits back in. The MLCer knows that is no good, but no one else can understand it. So they must set out to find new parts away from people who want to put the worn out parts back in. They HAVE to go, or they can no longer function.

During the course of this journey, they add parts that aren't right for their core and if they add too many not right parts they have to figure out which ones are the problem and which ones work. This can be time consuming because maybe some of the parts kind of work and some don't at all, but a different combination has the same effect. (in this case I'm thinking engine: a bad spark plug behaves the same as a bad wire behaves the same as a bad ignition coil. If all three are bad or 2 of three on the same cylinder, it's the same behavior). Even if everything seems to be running OK, if they have the wrong parts it will eventually catch up (you can use a 12v battery in a 6v motor and it will run for a short time, but it will burn out the motor)

This would mean the end of MLC would be if all the parts were replaced with correct parts (which might run considerably better because OEM is not always as good as some replacements) and the MLCer had not cracked or harmed their core. Or if they kept replacing with wrong parts or substandard parts, they could not get to the finished product. Or if they cracked or harmed their core, they would never get to a finished product.

For me, if I look at it that way, it starts to make more sense. That someone wore out their brushes and bearings, didn't see it coming so could not do preventative maintenance, and there they were, just a shell they knew they needed to fill up to get going but not able to put words to it.

[xyzcf]

I totally get this Offroad. Thanks for writing it out in this way.

The problem is that my head has pretty well always known, the brokeness, the running....

But my heart is not always able to accept quite so well.

[Helpnewc]

Yes, thanks to both of you.

I feel the same. I am not sure understanding it helps although I do understand it. Maybe understating it helps but it does not make it easier if that makes sense.

I keep coming back to what our Australian Prime Minister said when his wife who had been with him for 30 years called it on New Years Day. I may never understand it but I have to accept it.

I am focussing on the acceptance as my understanding it does not allow me to put the parts back in. I do like the analogy and I hope my wife finds the right parts.

[MadLuv]

I get what your saying also. I think then throw in That they are tired of trying to fix the can and it not work, but they really aren’t trying to hard. So, it’s just easier to rent a car or buy a new car, but then the new car doesn't  have the cool seats like the old car. They just cant make things work and they exhaust themselves trying to find an easy solution instead of either hiring someone to help then figure out why they keep putting the wrong part in or they start trying to research it themselves and educate themselves how to repair it correctly.

[sachertorte]

Thank you for this discussion OntheRoad. I found in my collection these two following remarks about MLC that seem to make sense in the framework you raised here:

1.

"The longing to leave one’s intimate partner brings out something that isn’t much discussed in descriptions of depression. It is the active face of the illness. We often focus on the passive symptoms, the inactivity, the isolation, sense of worthlessness, disruption of focused thought, lack of will to do anything. But paradoxically the inner loss and need can drive depressed people to frenzied action to fill the great emptiness in the center of their lives. They may long to replace that inadequate self with an imagined new one that makes up for every loss. "


2.
(I think this is from a former MLCer giving advice)

you can never tell a MLCer that you might have a handle on the underlying cause. Not until a time comes that they come to you and express an awareness of their own. Even then, I'd recommend treading lightly.

Any indication that you are "analyzing" her is likely to be met with indignation and maybe even wrath. She will see you as condescending and unable to admit that you could be a part of the problem. She will think you are trying to blame everyone but yourself for the state of your marriage. Your words to the contrary won't matter. She will think you are grasping at straws and in denial. I wouldn't bring it up if I were you. Unless you want to get mauled. Of course, she might be a gentle MLCer. I was abdolutely vicious. The exact opposite of what my husband had known me to be previously. One other thing though - when I was at my absolute worst as far as how I treated him, I cried myself to sleep every night because I didn't understand what the hell was wrong with me. But every morning, I woke up pissed off and wanting to get away all over again.