[mitchelken01]

husband for 22 years , great marriage , all of a sudden change like a switch, he started projecting blame, he stated he feels trap, need to find himself, needs freedom. he file divorce last April, on going, moved out of marital home and yet keeps coming back, he still being intimate with me, recently stating he is sorry,his decision was stupid, that he doesn't want this. he is hot and cold, confuse, no emotion, living like double life, I'm kept in the loop of confusion, don't know what to believe. behavior seems trigger by death of his father

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

So sorry that you are here, but it is a great place for advice. You could be very correct that the death of his father set off his crisis. However, as you navigate these new waters, you have to remember that this is his crisis and his journey. You are not responsible nor can you fix him.

Just a few quick questions. Is there another person that he is seeing at this time? Do you have children?

Another thing to consider, most, but not all MLCers, can run through finances quickly. Please make sure you are in a financially safe place even if that means taking legal action against him.

Finally, please take the time to rest, eat something healthy, and light exercise if possible. This is a very traumatic experience and self-care is important.

Keep posting and other will respond,

(((Ready)))

[mitchelken01]

he is not seeing another person. we have 3 children. he want to returned home and co parent, im not sure if im ready for this im still navigating, didnt know about MLC until i read article about it and figure similar symptoms ive seen in him.

[mitchelken01]

Ive seen emptiness in his eyes new years eve 12/31/23, we were suppose to go on a trip in Tahoe 1/6/24 with his friends, he burst into anger and stated I'm
 done when he did see us unprepared for the trip, and he went alone for 4 days no communication. He start projecting blame on me since then, stating that i wasn't a wife to him and its too late for us to fix things and that he has given all his life to our family that its time for him to prioritized himself. he ditch work and stayed overnight with friends and got so upset when i confronted him, he removed his shared location with me. Ive also notice he avoided bring me to friends events, he pushed for a family vacation 3/2004 and posted in social media, then filed divorced 4/2024 and move out marital home. he keeps coming back and front thou and insisted to live still with me and co parent. he also been on /off with communication and sometimes would ghost us for weeks especially when he have friends events like parties and out of town trips and would come home and make up. I didn't realized that he was on MLC until Ive notice symptoms like anxiety, irritability, mood swing confusion, blame projecting, selfishness, his morals have change no  remorse no empathy. Recently his been asking for apology he said he was sorry, he didn't know why he did what he did, that he didn't want this anymore and that it was stupid and even shed a tear, yet the next day he seems to have forgotten everything he said and completely be a different person again, there are multiple episode of double life and its very confusing and giving false hope.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

There is a lot of projection and blame. This notion of being a time to prioritize themselves is also prevalent.

Recently his been asking for apology he said he was sorry, he didn't know why he did what he did, that he didn't want this anymore and that it was stupid and even shed a tear, yet the next day he seems to have forgotten everything he said and completely be a different person again, there are multiple episode of double life and its very confusing and giving false hope.

Also very common. They go back and forth and this is what pulls you onto their rollercoaster. This is where detachment comes in and learning to respond to them and not react. As I said before, you are not the reason for his crisis. That is within him. You can't fix him, but you do have influence. That means living if he is not coming back.

So to help you remain sane, what do you need? The coming and going needs to stop? The hot and cold treatment? This is where setting boundaries with him come into play. Boundaries are set not to punish or change him, but to protect you. For example, he needs to clear with you when he comes to your place. He left and is prioritizing himself. You can let him know that he can do that, but you are going to prioritize yourself as well and you need to know in advance if he is going to come over. It is a sign of respect and you and the children deserve it. He may think he is a teenager and can come and go as he pleases, but that is not how it works. Especially if you have filed for divorce.

You don't have to do what I suggested as I do not know your husband or the laws in your area. I am not an attorney either. However, he is using you and that is not respectful in any fashion. In my situation, my ex saw me as a doormat and the more I tried to appease her, the worse it got.

Keep posting and know we are in your corner.

(((Ready)))

[Baxter1]

So sorry you are here. My W is definitely living a double life, still at home but leaves for days and definitely cycles. It’s tough in the beginning but it does get better. I’ve found that focusing on yourself and the kids is what has helped me. Ready knows his stuff and you’ve come to the right place…good luck!