[AllieKat]

Hello! New here and needing some advice. My H left our home in June because he didn’t want to talk after argument.
 

Argument happened when we were having sex and he got dizzy and started having what seemed like panic anxiety attack. I tried to take pulse and help snd he just kept blowing me off. He was obviously scared. I suggested multiple times we go to Er. I was afraid he was having heart attack. He ignored everything I suggested and got in cold shower.
 

I would like to add lately hes been struggling with keeping an erection during sex and at times has said “I feel dizzy “ and we stop. I think this may be pride and embarrassment but nevertheless I just want him healthy and never say anything except to ask if hes ok.

When he  got out of shower he seemed pissed at me so I cracked a joke thinking I could lighten mood but he didn’t like it and told me he was mad at me. I said are you washing me off you so we can go to Er?? I guess it wasn’t really funny but he shot me a death look. I got my feelings hurt and repeated going to er is a good idea and he said firmly NO!!
 

i was mad (we have both lost friends/family  due to heart attacks but told him i was going downstairs since I upset him and if he needed anything I would help him and again I repeated he should see Dr..

we both acted like asses and did silent treatment for a few days! I decided to go talk to him and he told me he wasn’t talking and if i kept pushing he would leave. I kept pushing and he left. He told me I broke a vow before he left! I asked what vow snd he said in sickness and in health!! He would not respond to texts or calls from me! Dead silence!! He did see our daughter on Fathers Day and told her he was doing things for himself right now and that he loved me very much but was just hurt!!! He Still had ring on!!! No mention of divorce she just said he seemed so sad!

7/6 a month after he left I was having a medical issue and texted him and called his cell. No answer so I called him on work number! His coworker answered snd said he needed a minute to go get him….he never picked up phone so I hung up. 45 mins later he sends me text and says our relationship is over and he will be seeking to start the divorce process!! And told me to not call his work, his employer or coworkers again. He also said he never wants to speak to me again and he will be by yo get his belongings in the near future!!! I was like wtf?
 

i ended up in hospital for a few days and he came by to feed cat and weed whack and to make sure ring camera got his ring finger with no wedding ring on his finger!!! I sent him an apology for calling him at work and but honestly I don’t even understand whats going on. He again repeated he doesn’t want to talk to me ever again. And again mentioned getting his things in near future but didn’t mention divorce!! Im completely confused.
 

he has been under a lot of stress the last year with his job and than the erection issues. Plus the new health issues that day during sex! I am  him be but am obviously so upset and sad.we were just on vacation two weeks prior to fight and the only real differences we have had has been this job of his. Just because he has gotten snappy with me when stressed and I get my feelings hurt. His job demands a lot of him and he seems on edge alot because of it! For him to leave and not talk to me is unheard of. He’s never done that!!! We have been married 19 years. Im completely shocked.
 

is it possible that he’s going through a mid life crisis? I don’t know what to do to help especially if he doesn’t want me talking to him

Ive posted this elsewhere and had ppl say he’s clearly cheating but I honestly don't think that.

[forthetrees]

I just googled and cialis and viagra can cause dizziness. Maybe he´s been taking drugs to perform and thought if a little does a little, more would do more. That would explain a lot- embarrassment, shame, anger, defensiveness and fear.

IF that´s what it is, then I think you´ve got more hope than most on this site. I don´t know how you would determine if he had gotten a prescription or not.

[FrenchHusband]

Hi Alliekat,

I am sorry for you that you are here, and I am glad that you found us. So you ask whether it is a MLC ? I don't know for sure, but from what you write there are many signs that something is not right within your H, and that looks like MLC-ish a lot : the sudden vanishing, the no-contact, the contradictive assertions (he loves you very much AND he is doing "things" for himself), the fight against his body, against you, against his job.

Regarding the erection and health issues, as a man I can tell it needs a lot of courage to go to a Dr (reading your text I asked myself many times what is an Er  ) especially when it is regarding our Precious. The new me found only recently the courage to go to an urolog for my Frenulum... after 22 painful years .

your second question is "what can you do to help when he does not want any talk from you". The answer is : you can do nothing to help, you are the least person who can help your husband, especially if it is MLC. There are many recommended things that you can do for you according to the very good advices from the vets here : protect yourself, protect your family, protect your finances. Take all the decisions as if your H will not come back. Even if it looks strange, all these things that you are doing for yourself are the best way to "help" your H in his current situation.
How many children do you have, how old are they ? How are you ? Do you sleep well and do you eat well ?

Regarding cheating, yes this is very likely. If it's MLC, you can be 99% sure that there is an Other Woman, an emotional affair or physical affair. And the words on "broken vows" as the sudden disappearance are very significant IMO.

[Treasur]

I’m so sorry - your head must be spinning.

Imho with regard to your question, it’s probably too early to know what’s really driving this or what’s really going on. Time and events tend to show up and provide more info.

Here are three things though I think you perhaps CAN know…..
Something big and significant is going on with your h.
His behaviour is not normal for normal people in a normal state of mind. (Just so you know you are not crazy lol)
You can’t control it or fix it bc it isn’t caused by you or about you, regardless of what he might say.

I’m sorry though bc I suspect that is not the kind of clarity you are looking for right now, but it is the most accurate picture based on what you seem to know right now.

What I did think reading your post is that it will probably be helpful to do what you can to reduce the emotional temperature of the situation. Again, based on what you wrote, I’m assuming that - understandably, just like most of us did - you are frightened, bewildered and angry so you are trying to stay in contact and press for answers. And getting results that are like poking a bear. My advice would be to do everything you can to reduce that….don’t chase him, don’t initiate contact, don’t share info unless it is a life threatening emergency about kids or the house had burnt down, and give yourself time to breathe and be calmer before you respond to any contact from him. Why? To lower the overall temperature and to give yourself  a bit of space to find your feet in the middle of this bizarre experience.

Do you have kids? Do you know where he is living? Shared finances? Are you financially independent? Imho once a spouse even mentions the D word, particularly if they have moved out, it is sane and wise to get some legal advice on how you might protect yourself from further damage. You don’t need to act on it, in fact I’d encourage you to breathe and go slowly on big decisions right now unless it is an emergency. But getting information can help you have time to consider what options you have to look after you and your kids if you have them.

And how are you doing on the well-being basics - sleep, eating, your mental health? Bc many LBS find that these are a challenge in the early days and it’s necessary and wise to look after yourself the best you can and get help if you need it. Bc, whatever the cause is of what’s going on, this is more of a marathon than a sprint.

[AllieKat]

Thank you all so much!! Definitely what I need is support!! I will try to answer the questions I saw and apologize if I miss any. Our daughter who is actually his step daughter is 24 and married. No other children. Early on like a week or so after he left I got on medication for anxiety and depression it’s helped with the constant crying I was doing. I also have started seeing a therapist.

I had a consultation with a lawyer as well too. Financially I am not well off as I went pt two years ago so thats a concern if he cuts me off financially. But I dod have a job interview yesterday for a ft job so Im hopeful. I opened up my own bank account too just in case. Only once in our marriage has there been an issue where I thought we might split! At nine years I had a miscarriage after suffering 4 prior and I  didn’t tell him I was bleeding right away. I flat out lied!! That was awful of me but please understand my hormones where a mess and I was all mixed up and felt so pressured to give him a child. He was so angry he left and was mia for a few days but then it took 9 months to get back on track. He is a grudge holder!!! And I don’t even know how I help out for him other than I lied and i felt like if he could take as long as he needed.

As far as medicine Im 99.9% sure he wasn’t taking anything at time. I think he used that maybe as an excuse to stop because he was losing his erection. I think maybe that's why he got so upset I called his work too. He felt like I couldn’t be trusted to keep that quiet. Back all those years ago When we had our issue I called his 2 coworkers he was friends with and asked them what he was doing and told him the situation. He forgave me obviously but Im thinking me calling his work and he is now the boss he was concerned I could potentially do that again! And humiliate him? I don’t know.
Prior to this all this job has been terrible for him. He has been under so much stress and gained a ton of weight like 100 lbs!!!

I definitely have not been eating great or taking care of myself like I used to. I need to work on that!! Im so lonely here at the house. I don’t have many friends either. My husband doesn’t have any either. We both were just always together. We used to have a ton but covid changed that too. Both of our best friends live in different states.

He has been staying at his work too I think someone asked. He is the boss and has a key and  they have showers, fridge, tv, microwave and a couch he could sleep on. And after 7pm till 7am he would be only one with  access. His money still goes in joint account for now and I can see his purchases as he can see mine. I could see his cell phone records too nothing going on there. So I dunno! Its a cluster F**%!!!

[forthetrees]

Heads up - mine got another phone and another credit card so lots of communications and purchases that I did not know about. I happened to discover the existence of phone and credit card. Then one day without any notice he stopped having his paycheck deposited into the joint account- he had opened another account at another bank.

It might be time to pay for groceries with a debit card and get cash back to stash.
What will you do if he bails on the phone plan?
The credit card?
Property taxes?

[AllieKat]

Well he does have two phones already one is work phone. He does have credit cards too!  Im glad you mentioned debit because thats exactly what I have done with new account.
I really don’t want to look stupid but I honestly don’t think he has someone else.  Than again who knows because I don’t think he would of done this either.

I guess if he bails on depositing pay in joint account I will go to court like lawyer told me to file some document. But we have a savings too which I would use till that was settled. He isn’t legally allowed to drain the account however I have cc too that if i need I can use. Not s great plan but what I have got. We rent our home so its a lease and legally in both our names so if one doesn’t pay they will be looking at other. Both cars are paid for but in both names.

Thats about all I have figured out. He has about $20,000 worth of tools here though. Which according to lawyer is martial property!! Hes been getting statements from dr offices here so I know something is going on just not sure what.

[Songanddance]

He doesn't have to be cheating to feel shame and guilt which in my view has been a huge contributor to his state of mind and feelings.

The fact that he has had difficulty in bed and a new job can place intolerable stress and one begets the other and vice versa.

His behaviour and later decisions not to talk to you, to file for D are extreme and suggest that something more serious is at play here but is it another woman?  Maybe and you need to be prepared for that. It might be a whole host of other causes.

My H once said to me in the very early throes of his affair with OW as I tried foolishly to be intimate with him, that he couldn't possibly continue having sex with someone he didn't love and he left my room and bed.

That hurt. 
So is your H cheating? Possibly and the guilt and shame contributed to his "attack" that evening. 
The person that we think is our rock and our mainstay has secrets and sometimes they don't emerge until much later and after the damage has been done.

All you can do is step back, leave him to it.  If you pursue he will distance, if you attempt to reason with him he will see you as interfering and difficult.  If you contact him he will see it as invasion of privacy.

So step back, continue sorting your finances etc and give him all the space he needs.  Any questions or thoughts you have keep to yourself for a while. 
You see even if he's not an MLCer and only time will tell, he will know your behavioural habits and he will know what you are likely to do or say therefore doing a complete 180 and the opposite of that will surprise him (and yourself) and whilst it won't change anything; it will give him and you space.

There are a few golden rules on here which apply to any challenge and not just MLC.

1. There is nothing you can do or say that will make a difference so stop trying.
2. Believe nothing of what they say and only 50% of what they do.
3. Look after yourself as a priority (financially, emotionally and healthwise)
4. Get financial and legal advice if necessary - just a free consultation you don't necessarily need to hire a lawyer or adviser.
5. Continue to live your life as if he isn't coming back.  He's "asked" for space - leave him to it.

Hope that helps

[AllieKat]

Yes it helps!!! I really appreciate that!! This is definitely challenging . As of yet he hasn’t filed but  just said he was going to!

[AllieKat]

I’m know I should not be focusing on something my MLC husband said in text but its the one thing that I just can’t get out of my head.

For him to say he doesn’t want me to contact him in anyway ever again. Has shook me! I know ppl say things they don’t mean in normal anger and with MLC but this stings. He has not tried to reach out he has only sent me 2 messagessince leaving. 1 to tell me he was ending our relationship and he would be starting the divorce process and to never contact him again….that was after I called his work. Which obviously inflamed him. And then an email response to me a few days later after I apologized for calling him he didn’t mention Divorce in that one but the never contact me again was mentioned again.

I guess Im focusing on his words. Anyone have any input or advice on the things they say! I know ppl say don’t believe  anything they say but words hurt!! And his actions by being gone and etc seem to go along with the words