[Tailspin]

Journaling:
So, my soon to be exwife is coming on 2 weeks out of the house.  I do feel calmer and at ease a bit.  She is living in her own little world now.  Some of her old friends have reached out to me to ask how to get in touch with her as she switched her phone number and didn't give it to folks.  Everything about her life has to be new.  The kids don't seem overly happy when they are there as she doesn't do much with them.  She always drops them off early here stating she has stuff to do.  Her affair is full speed and she's over the moon in love.
 
I have taken my ring off which hurt me but felt like the right thing to do right now as there is no stopping the pending divorce.  I guess this year of pain has finally worn me down.  Watching the person I loved treat me like a stranger has lessened my cares and I know that's not right but it's how I feel.
I continue to keep myself busy with my hobbies and home repairs.  I'm thankful for so many of my friends who stop by and hang out to check up on me.  My kids are taking it ok for the most part.  They don't talk much about it and I don't pressure anything.  If they choose to talk about it I listen deeply. 
Outside of legal things my wife tells me nothing. Even that little bit is not in person but through email.   Nothing even about the kids.  I am dead to her in every way.  I leave it that way.  My past year of trying to communicate was met with anger and resentment. 

As a funny aside I will say it's funny how women are quick to notice no ring.  I have been approached by a number of women I see in social setting about hanging out.  I'm honest and tell them that I'm not officially divorced yet and would feel weird about it.  I have also admitted to one that I have a lot of emotions in my life right now and it wouldn't be right.  I really have no desire to go that route right now in my healing. 

[forthetrees]

I am so sorry. You sound weary and resigned and hurt. I suppose this is a phase of the journey that one must go through. I am glad that you are there for a sounding board for your children. It took a long time for me to get used to not wearing a wedding ring- it had deformed my finger but hey, all these years later, it is back to normal:) That is a literal sign of healing.

Hang in there, it does get better.
FTT

[Flummoxed]

Hang in there, Tailspin. You’ve got this- keep keeping busy but also try not to repress either. It’s not much comfort, but it sounds like she’s truly trying to leave behind her entire old life. So, truly, it’s nothing personal. I know that may not mean much at all emotionally, but something to consider.

Agreeing with forthetrees re: wedding ring- it takes a while. And I can only say that with confidence because I removed mine about a year ago and it still feels weird. Until not that long ago, I was still consider wearing it from time to time to honor the relationship we had. I haven’t, not yet and who knows if ever. But I still feel the phantom weight of it. I wonder when that will dissipate.

[OffRoad]

As a funny aside I will say it's funny how women are quick to notice no ring.  I have been approached by a number of women I see in social setting about hanging out.  I'm honest and tell them that I'm not officially divorced yet and would feel weird about it.  I have also admitted to one that I have a lot of emotions in my life right now and it wouldn't be right.  I really have no desire to go that route right now in my healing.

The very fact that you know you are not ready and honestly say so is the very reason why you are so attractive to the opposite sex, People can see quality.

I am sorry for your sadness. It's hard to watch the life you had disintegrate. It's harder when there are young kids involved. You are handling this very well and its OK to be sad and exhausted. The LBS fights the good fight as best they can and sometimes it's just not enough. And now you are working your way though acceptance and figuring out what your life is going to look like going forward. Just keep taking care of yourself and your kids. Healing takes as long as it takes and it's not always linear.

[Reinventing]

Healing takes as long as it takes and it's not always linear.

Yes.

[Tailspin]

It took a long time for me to get used to not wearing a wedding ring- it had deformed my finger but hey, all these years later, it is back to normal:) That is a literal sign of healing.

It really feels weird as I never took it off in all our marriage. 

Hang in there, Tailspin. You’ve got this- keep keeping busy but also try not to repress either. It’s not much comfort, but it sounds like she’s truly trying to leave behind her entire old life. So, truly, it’s nothing personal. I know that may not mean much at all emotionally, but something to consider.

The nothing personal thing is what I have struggled with but getting better at accepting it.  It just feels so directed and pointed...

Just keep taking care of yourself and your kids. Healing takes as long as it takes and it's not always linear.

I think through this journey that has really been such a true statement.  The healing for me personally has come in waves and never straight.  Sometimes I feel like no movement happens and then a surge a week later. 

[Tailspin]

Journaling:

So it's been over a month since wife left and started her new life.  She has basically dropped every mutual friend we had and started her life with a new phone number, new email, and new friends.  The only carryover from her previous life are the kids.  We have had no contact except for a few kids issues and some divorce lawyer questions.  I have had numerous friends of my wife contact me looking to get in touch with her saying they haven't heard from her forever.  She apparently doesn't respond to any emails they send her or through Facebook. 
As for me I'm learning to live as a single dad who only has his kids half time.  I miss them terribly and I told my brother that money can replaced but time with them will never be.  That's the upsetting part.  My wife has no understanding of how mentally damaging this has been to the kids who enjoyed a stable and great life till last year.  Unfortunately, the kids seem to hint that life with her at her apartment is boring as she disappears for multi hour gym sessions, and they don't do much with her.  Most weekends she has them she drops them off really early stating she has things to do.  AKA boyfriend time.  Must be hard maintaining a relationship with a married man. 
The lawyers seem to think we can finalize everything in the new year and my lawyer is confident we have all the evidence that she stole a lot of money this year from our joint account.  She ran huge debt up and stole cash.  Not the women I married that's for sure. 
As for me I am trying to learn forgiveness.  Many have said healing and forgiveness are not linear and boy is that true.  Some days I feel better and others I still dwell in anger and disbelief.  I guess working 3 jobs right now to keep the house and a decent life for the kids makes me bitter at times.  I know everything is a season and it will all pass. 
I guess the lack of closure is what kills me the most.  I know in my heart I will never have it.  I still feel like a failure at times because I don't know how this all came to be.  I was told by a therapist that seeking that answer will only lead to angst because there has to be a willingness to accept that the person you thought they were, is just not true.  She said that is what I can't seem to accept.  It's true.  I have accepted the reality of the divorce, the reality that I have my kids only half time, and that my life financially for a while is in peril.  Some reason the part about her doing what she did still lingers.  I guess I feel tricked and saddened by this. 

[Flummoxed]

Sending positive vibes your way, Tailspin. You’re just one month post-move out and you’re dealing with a lot of stressors in order to stay afloat. Three jobs is intense- you are pushing hard for the kids and it’s unbelievably commendable. I hope you have a bit of time for yourself somewhere in that schedule.

Give yourself grace; as you know, this healing journey is going to take time. It needs time. I told my therapist yesterday that I just wanted to be good and healed and move on in my life, but I’m reminded time and time again the only way out is through. It’s annoying and frustrating and sometimes excruciating to not have the answers and not have a definitive path or outcome but I think when we sit with the discomfort and accept it, it helps a bit. It doesn’t change what’s going on outside but it helps recenter inside. Because we don’t have control of anything outside of ourselves, we very likely won’t get the answers we’re looking for, but that’s ok.

From what I believe, I don’t think she entered this state voluntarily. But I agree that I don’t think the MLCers were who we thought they were. I think they (and this could be an assumption on my part) may have repressed a lot and finally it got to be too much and they snapped. Everything that was swept under the rug finally needs to be addressed. I do not believe they chose to enter this state; however, that does not negate any of the pain and suffering being brought on the LBS and children. I truly believe we are collateral damage to a very personal problem.

Sounds like she’s still running, distracting herself, trying to find happiness. Wishing you and the kids peace during this chaotic time and that you all find your stride in the very near term.

[Baxter1]

I agree with Flummoxed, this isn’t something that they chose. Pain from childhood and trauma that has been repressed is all coming out and is aimed at you. I’m getting the anger and being ignored, it’s horrible! So sorry that you’re here but you’re taking care of the kids and that’s all that matters. I know I wouldn’t have made it this far without them. Good luck in your continuing journey.

[Tailspin]

Thanks, Flummoxed and Baxter1.  I didn't mean to come off wrong earlier.  I know she didn't choose it but I'm still upset about it.  I think the working 3 jobs is getting to me a bit.  I have a white-collar job but on the days I don't have my kids I do side jobs and odd and ends after my main job.  I will have a nighttime retail job when everything is finalized in the divorce.  It's been paying the bills but until I can refinance my mortgage, but I'm barely making it.  A lot of people are telling me to slow down but unfortunately the bills don't stop.  I already pay child support and alimony and that takes close to half of my take home pay. 
When my anniversary passed recently there was nothing from my stb-exwife.  No acknowledgment, not checking up, just nothing.  It made me sad.  She still has anger towards me and honestly at this point I have no idea why.  She's got her own place, parties like there's no tomorrow, has her boyfriend, and lives off my money.  What could she still be mad about?  She's living the life she wanted.