[Flummoxed]

Tailspin, I am really sorry about the financial stress- you’re right; the bills don’t stop despite what’s going on in our lives. You have every right to feel mad and sad- this is chaos and a half. I sincerely hope this stress is dialed down soon. I know that doesn’t exactly help, but you’re doing all you can to increase your direct income. I wonder if there are ways to cut costs or perhaps temporarily adjust the alimony? Regardless, I do hope everything adjusts to a more stable and comfortable pace soon.

Regarding the anger, from what I’ve read, it’s possible it’s their guilt and shame being externalized and expressed as anger. Because a part of her knows what’s she’s doing is wrong and not aligned with her previous morals and values, but she won’t accept blame at this time- it’s got to be externalized. And you’re public enemy #1. So it has to be your fault. Which is honestly frustrating and annoying to say the least. I believe the next phase, once all the anger has been burned out, is indifference though. Which isn’t great either, but I guess it’s progress.

[Treasur]

Nothing to apologise for, Tailspin - we get it, I doubt there is an LBS here who hasn’t struggled with the same thoughts and feelings you are having right now. Tbh that search for ‘what the hell happened’ is probably what brings most of us to this forum in the first place. And most of us, over time, find our own version of Truth-ish that feels close enough to make some kind of peace with….we don’t always reach the same conclusions of course about our particular situation but we reach a point where we come up with our own ‘answers’ in the absence of answers that make sense from our spouse.

And a little bit of time and distance on events tends to help with that - right now you are still too close to events and dealing with a lot of the practical consequences, aren’t you? But tbh, with a bit of distance, there are a lot of things in life that happen without the kind of closure or understanding we might crave, aren’t there? That’s hard to accept but figuring out how we live round that anyway is often why we LBS find ourselves forced to get almost philosophical in figuring out how on earth we ended up here, right? So, I don’t know if it helps much, but you are normal and not alone.

Not my place to tell you what conclusion to reach about your own life and marriage….goodness knows, I’m left with plenty of unanswered questions sometimes about mine lol. But years out, and having read a lot of posts here, there are patterns I think in these folks. I also don’t think they chose to go into some kind of ‘blow your lid off crisis’ but I DO think that they choose how to deal with it. Less strategy and more about tactics if that makes sense bc they often act without thinking much seemingly about the longer term consequences. And they are pretty black and white in their thinking whereas for most of us the truth-ish tends to live in the grey space in between. More both/and than either/or if that makes sense.

But I think they DO believe at the time, rightly or wrongly, that blowing up their old life and running off to a new one is the answer to what ails them. And I think they behave in horrible awful ways not bc of who we are but bc of what we represent to them. And bc it’s a lot easier to blame someone else than blame oneself. They seem to be people who are wired to scratch an internal itch with an external set of fixes…that alone tells you that they are, at best, immature and at worst, something like a bald man hunting for the right comb. Does that work out for some of them? Anecdotally here, that’s rare but I imagine it must work out for some.

Whatever wired then this way existed long before us I suspect but didn’t need to come out to play until life got tough for them. Still not about us though…the fact that your stbxw has erased her old friends too is imho very practical evidence of that. It really isn’t personal, it just feels as if it is bc the effect on your own life and wellbeing is so huge. And of course you’re often being blamed for causing the very thing you did not want and that makes no sense to you at all.

Yet here you are.
Did they ever love us? Did we ever know them? Were decades of our life a big con? Again fwiw my best take is that space in the middle….that both/and….just being sensible, it would take quite a lot of effort to intentionally fake a life and marriage for decades, wouldn’t it? And most of our spouses are not that clever and not that sociopathic lol. I think they loved us AND perhaps not quite in the way we thought they did. That we knew them AND there were parts of them that we did not know as well as we thought or downplayed as part of a bigger picture. That our shared lives were much as we thought they were until they weren’t….like one of those kaleidoscopes you turn to make a completely different pattern.

But once it turns, one can only deal with the new pattern. We see it as an awful one that brings loss and grief and change; perhaps they see it as all shiny and exciting, idk. But we’re on very different pages, aren’t we? And all any reasonable human can do is deal with their own page the best they can, regardless of whether they twisted the kaleidoscope or had it twisted for them.

Please don’t believe any of your wife’s BS blame. Or see her current choices as being anything to do with you; she twisted her own kaleidoscope. Your job - and it’s not an easy one at all - is not to understand why she did or how she sees through her own kaleidoscope now, but to accept that she has, to grieve the old picture and to figure out for yourself how to twist your own kaleidoscope now to create a new pattern that feels ok to you about your life. And it’s ok imho, especially when we are grieving and shocked, to choose to believe things that make us feel a bit better even if we can’t KNOW 100% that they are true. As long as they don’t damage us further. So, whilst I have pretty much no idea at all why my xh did what he did, I really liked him and most of our marriage….and I choose to believe that it was all pretty much as I experienced it and as others saw it (bc I am neither stupid nor delusionally bonkers lol). Until it wasn’t, until the person I loved twisted that kaleidoscope for reasons I don’t understand. And then it all was dead as a dodo other than in my memories. His take now? I have no idea…but my memories, my truth-ish, are not contingent on his….its quite similar imho to how one treats any big bereavement and I had a couple of those too. My memories of those people and how I felt about them are not much different after their death; what’s different is that I can’t ring them up or go over to see them. But their absence now changes today…it doesn’t rewrite those decades if that makes sense. What would be a bit nuts though is if I had not accepted their absence unwelcome though it may be. Or found slowly a way to build a different version of my own life living despite their absence even though there are lots of things I don’t understand about that either.

Again jmo, but I think a lot of the work that we LBS are forced to do has a lot in common with the process of grieving and adapting after it. What complicates it is perhaps being blamed for it and the ongoing physical presence as a kind of ‘ghost’…there’s a reason why we humans have shared rituals about death and probably most of them are about some version of the kind of closure you are longing for. Plus we get sympathy and casseroles and life insurance payouts perhaps! In this situation, step by step, I think most LBS find their own ways to metaphorically bury their dead. And that’s ok.

No casserole I’m afraid, but I am sending you a big hug and the hope that you can feel a little less alone bc of it. X

[Tailspin]

Thanks, Treasur and Flummoxed.  I love the insights and appreciate the deeper picture told in your responses.  I guess I am still close to all the chaos to have emotions not based on confusion and frustrations.  I know that I have personalized the hurt and that's what I need to work on. 

This weekend I did a ton of side work and made a pretty penny.  Felt good as I have been worried about Xmas gifts for my kids.  I did hear an interesting piece of news that had me laugh a bit.  Apparently my stbexw has been talking to another man which upset her married boyfriend.  He found out and was pissed.  This doesn't even sound real....LOL.  A friend of mine had told me as his wife's friend works with my wife.  She apparently is getting around.  I feel like I'm watching a train wreck live.  That's her problem though. 

I hope everyone enjoys their holiday and I appreciate all that have written and offered such awesome advice.  God bless!

[UrsaMajor]

Apparently my stbexw has been talking to another man which upset her married boyfriend.  He found out and was pissed.  This doesn't even sound real....LOL.  A friend of mine had told me as his wife's friend works with my wife.  She apparently is getting around.  I feel like I'm watching a train wreck live. 

Make some popcorn and pull up a chair.... cuz it is about to get real...