[Treasur]

I am trying to figure out the best way to support him or comfort/reassure

I would say that it is likely that your answer to your own question may be a function of your answer to why you want to do the above or see it as something it is appropriate or necessary that you should do……

Do you know?

[forthetrees]

My two cents is that acknowledging that you hear them saying, "...." or that you hear them expressing that they feel "...." is more than sufficient. Most people just want to be heard and it is unlikely that in the best of circumstances you could solve his issues. Under the current circumstances he is so UNlikely to take advice from you. It IS compassionate to hear someone and acknowledge their pain. Doing so does not mean that you agree to being the source of their pain though. For what it´s worth, my ex did acknowledge that something was wrong, went to a dr., took meds, went cold turkey on them and spiraled into a pit of bizarre. It just comes back to you didn´t break him and you can´t fix him. Acceptance of that takes a while and many reminders. Yes, it is really hard to watch someone devolve due to this. That alone speaks to the inner core of strength of the LBS. We go through our own painful journey AND get a front row seat to their mess as well. Sigh. The fact that he´s ok with the status quo also tells you a lot as why would anyone in your shoes want to continue to be treated the way that you are? You be you, be kind but don´t be a door mat.

[amazinglove]

To answer the question simply put, no matter what's happened I care that he is ok. I will always do my best to comfort him (esp when he's right in front of me in my kitchen) if I can. He seems sick to me, he is in pain and lost and I guess I want to do what's possible to help. BUT, I don't want to enable this, or say it's ok and I will no longer value his health or ease at the expense of my own. I will keep trying to find that balance - when he is not here and overseas I rarely speak to him and only about kids when we do. But  for my kids' sake, and really because of the love I will always have for him (and what we once had) I will always do my best to lead him in the right direction, even tho I know he's not hearing anything.

Regardless of the fact that he's ruined our once beautiful connection and marriage, I would love to see him restored in some way from this shell or husk of a man that he is now. I still get angry sometimes, at the injustice of this, at the betrayal, but mostly I am starting to see that his life doesn't really have much to do with mine anymore, and only crosses over sometimes because of the kids. What we had feels very much in the past but I still have love, just in a diff way.

[OffRoad]

This is going to sound odd, but it's not your job. Yes, you can be sympathetic but you can't fix him. And I mean that in the way that only he can fix himself.. And that is what you want to do. You want to comfort him so he'll feel better. That is fixing. You comforting him when he has no intention of changing anything is just putting a band aid on him.

Listen if you have the bandwidth, encourage any good behavior (Thank yous and such), be there if that is your choice, be kind if you choose, show him the life he's missing. But it's not your job to try to make him feel better.

[Reinventing]

But it's not your job to try to make him feel better.

I would go a bit further and say that the LBS can't, even if they tried to take on the job, fix them or make them feel better.

That doesn't mean you are nasty or mean to them. It means the LBS understand their own limitations that we share with all other human beings. You can't fix someone else.

[KayDee]

"Coming back here, the idea of moving back here, America scares me. I'm afraid to go back to where I was.'  My understanding is that he was referencing how lost he felt, how empty he felt, how overwhelmed he felt being so far from his home country, not having a role here, which lead up to this 'crisis' where he has become an entirely different and frequently repugnant individual.

Here's my question: what do you say to someone when they say this and they really mean it?

Just to point out, that he is still blaming something external. OK, yes, moving to a different country is hard - you know, you've done it. You have to resilient and optimistic. You have to, initially, be quite self-reliant. So, yes, I imagine this played a part, but I doubt it was the cause. He doesn't want to move back because he associates the place with the pain. He is scared.

What I really wanted to flag though, is that it is possible he is reaching out to you in this way, precisely so that you fix him. And I wanted to make the flag red, to warn you, because when you don't (can't) he will likely conduct another running manoeuvre. And it will be painful to you, especially when you reached out your hand in compassion. It is really hard to know what to say. I think listening and being calm is good enough, honestly. If you can manage it and stay sane. Wishing you strength....

[Treasur]

…..no matter what's happened I care that he is ok. I will always do my best to comfort him……i want to do what's possible to help. BUT, I don't want to enable this, or say it's ok…for my kids' sake…. because of the love I will always have for him…I will always do my best to lead him in the right direction….I would love to see him restored in some way……

Ok, so you’ve given yourself the gift of taking a look inside your own head 😜
Useful bc tbh the question seems to me to be more about where you are than where he is.
And seems to be hinging on perhaps an unspoken belief that a) this is ‘fixable’ and b) that what you say or do makes a positive difference towards ‘fixing’ it/him and c) that the love you have for him is best expressed by your playing a comforting leadership role.
Fair summary?

How has that worked out so far based on what you observe?
How ‘fixable’ do you think it is? And what does ‘fixed’ mean from your PoV?
How much or little effect have your words and actions had so far on his behaviour and mindset?
And why do you think it’s useful - or your job - to comfort or lead? In a sense, to think you know the ‘right’ answer?

These are squirmy uncomfortable questions that most of us find ourselves stumbling over, so you are not alone.

If I were being a bit harsh, I would say that your h is looking for three mummies…his real mum, Moscow mum and you, all of you potentially there to comfort, reassure, distract and tidy up bits of his self-made mess…..
Bc it IS a situation he has created and continues to create through his own actions, isn’t it?
And his distress or discomfort - the thing you are trying to comfort him about - is bc he doesn’t like some of the fairly predictable effects of his actions. It doesn’t feel so good to be him apparently. Adults know - or learn - that if you don’t like the outcomes, you need to change the input. And often we learn that by being very uncomfortable indeed in the place we find ourselves….not wanting to be Here is often the real driver of change, isn’t it?

I hope you can see in my editing of your words some of your own underpinning. I hope you can also see - and I am not doubting your assessment that your h seems lost and distressed - how very much of his commentary is about HIM. Not your kids, not you, not Moscow mule, not his own family, not anyone else. Just him finding the hole he dug himself for months/years rather real and a bit uncomfortable now, and he has no idea what to do to get out of the hole.

Let’s assume that’s all a true and honest reflection of how he feels, rather than a passive bit of victimhood designed to lure a fixer lol……
You might even find it helpful to reframe him as behaving a bit like an addict….he didn’t like where he was so he launched into his Plan A of self-medicating that feeling. Now he doesn’t like the results of that either. And has no Plan B, or not one he’s willing/able to work on. If he were an addict, what would you say or do? Would you feel you should comfort him? Or would you feel that him facing his own reality and figuring out his own Plan B was the only route forward? And that all his blah about countries and ‘roles’ was just more of the same addict-like talk and responsibility-shifting? (And if you’ve ever talked to anyone who has dealt with addictive behaviour in their family, I can guarantee that his behaviour and your questions are all too familiar!)

So, like many people in this kind of situation, your questions are all imho is not really about him….it’s about you, your beliefs and your perspective on what works and what doesn’t.
And yes, tbh, some level of comfort or reassurance giving IS enabling. It IS saying something is ok enough for you to still be in the game to some extent. It IS implying - perhaps in your own head too - that you can play a part in a fix. Or even that you know how to fix it regardless….and do you, really, if they keep doing what they are doing? Or even know why they can’t/won’t stop? Can anyone really be a comforting helpmeet to someone who has not reached a point of saying ‘Damn, I don’t like this hole and no one but me dug it, so no one but me can stop digging and figure out how to get out of it’?

How close to that does your h seem? Think 12 steps….where is he honestly? Bc to me, it sounds like he is not even at the first…just not much liking the view from that hole and hoping that you and everyone else will keep throwing ropes down until he figures it out!

I agree with others that few of us want to be a$$hats when another human is distressed. Well, not for long anyway 😝
That one can be respectful and kind enough to acknowledge that you are hearing them say that the hole feels pretty s$it and that you are sorry they feel in a hole. Even that, if they figure out a post-hole plan, you will hear them out if they want something specific from you which feels doable. Full stop.

Jmo though.
The questions - and your own role - are really best known by you. This is what boundaries are really about, isn’t it?

[Treasur]

And a practical PS, in case this all sounds a bit high-faluting and airy-fairy….

For the foreseeable future, from what you have said, your kids are going to be living in the US. Not sure if you are still thinking about relocating to another state.
What kind of parent does he intend to be and what kind of role does he see himself playing in their lives?
Is he planning to live in the same country as his children? And if not, how does he see that working?
And how does he intend to contribute toward the cost and effort of raising them?
What kind of relationship does he want with his children and what is he prepared to do in order to achieve that?

These are very practical and entirely reasonable questions to pose in the current circumstances that he has created.
And the answers are not about you and not yours to craft for him. Not yours to comfort him about or tidy up or fix. It’s not your challenge to fix or your plan to make, as I hope you can see.

What does he say about that? What’s his plan?
Bc that’s a very practical example of the limitations of comfort or sympathy or your leadership influence, isn’t it? Your kids exist, they have needs….all regardless of how he feels about himself, his life, his ‘role’, his other relationships, his own challenges.

So, what’s his plan? What is he putting on the table and what does he want to ask from you?

If I were a betting woman, I’d guess he doesn’t have one. Or not one that goes much further than ‘can you just keep the show on the road, fixer mummy AL?’ But maybe I’m wrong?

Having a plan regarding being a parent would be imho be a more positive sign of owning his hole and figuring out what he’s going to do about getting out of it. Anything less is just more of the same I haz a sadz and you have very little to work with practically speaking. Even if you are the best fixer in the world lol on the old ‘take a horse to water’ principle.

Is that worthy of ypur comfort? Idk. Is that something to reassure him about? Idk. Not sure how it helps you or your kids though again practically speaking. Or indeed that his feelings are the central priority that he seems to feel they are, maybe even that a bit of you feels they are. Kids still exist, still have needs, are still I would imagine your priority.

So in that very practical example, do you find an answer to your own question about comfort and reassurance and restoration and leadership?

[Trustandlove]

This reminded me of something -- years ago, when I had gone through so much of this, I did ask my former H outright how he saw himself as a father (perhaps I should have said parent instead), how he saw the role, etc. 

He never gave me a straight answer.  A year or so later I did get an e-mail saying "no more asking me how I want to be a father, they are over 18 for god's sake, and I (perhaps he said we) will have the kind of relationship that they and I see fit".  Basically getting angry.

For what it's worth, he has never had much of a relationship with them, and now has even less.  He recently invited them to a party that he is having, one son replied that he couldn't come and received a snarky reply.  The other doesn't know how he feels, he's worried that "other people" will think something if he doesn't go, but he doesn't want to go because he isn't OK with the situation (former H is hosting this with latest woman).  Former H didn't even sent this to my D, who lives further away.  FWIW, I did explain to him that what "other people" thought didn't matter one jot, what mattered was what he wanted.

So I do have to agree with what Treasur says; I also know that I offered that kind of comfort and reassurance for years, thinking that if I was good, nice, etc., that at least I was being nice no matter what he was doing.  That I was the safe haven.  It took me a long time to understand that it wasn't having any good effect, and that even if it wasn't enabling directly, which it probably was more than I thought, it certainly wasn't helping me or my kids.

I also know that I could only get there when I got there, for me it took much longer than for many others, but that is just how it is.  My kids still feel it all, they now end up getting snarky texts rather than me, which makes my blood boil, but I tell them that I am so sorry that he is behaving this way, and don't say word one to him. 

[UrsaMajor]

This is going to sound odd, but it's not your job. Yes, you can be sympathetic but you can't fix him. And I mean that in the way that only he can fix himself.. And that is what you want to do. You want to comfort him so he'll feel better. That is fixing. You comforting him when he has no intention of changing anything is just putting a band aid on him.

Listen if you have the bandwidth, encourage any good behavior (Thank yous and such), be there if that is your choice, be kind if you choose, show him the life he's missing. But it's not your job to try to make him feel better.

and

But it's not your job to try to make him feel better.

I would go a bit further and say that the LBS can't, even if they tried to take on the job, fix them or make them feel better.

That doesn't mean you are nasty or mean to them. It means the LBS understand their own limitations that we share with all other human beings. You can't fix someone else.