[xyzcf]

Reinventing "Yes and no. With time, I do have a different view of both how he and I were through the years, relationship-wise. Some things make more sense in the cold light of day and I can see things about both him and me now (good and bad)."

KayDee "So, yes, this, IMO, was always there, as a kind of hairline crack, and how my H dealt with the eventual collapse is part of who he is. It is not all of who he is. This is the reality. And for me, the image of my H as the rock solid man who would NEVER do the things he has done is false. And not looking at this straight on, it was hindering my healing, because I was trying to shove that round peg husband of reality into the square hole of who I thought he was. I had to grieve that."

In hindsight we can see that there were things that showed their brokenness, but they wore their masks well. We were not privy to their dark side until the crisis hit....the therapist we saw together twice nailed it..he told my husband it was time for him to get in touch with his dark side. I was devastated by that as I thought we were seeing a therapist to help us solve whatever the problem was in our marriage...not giving him permission to leave it. At that time, early after BD, I could not even imagine what he meant by dark side...my husband was an "upstanding citizen", kind and caring, living his faith, generous...my family and friends "knew" that I was a very fortunate woman to have such a gem in my life. I was not the only person shocked by what happened...close friends and family couldn't believe it either so think about this perhaps...nobody who knew them can understand who they have become.

I can analyze the 32 years and find things that suggested he had demons he was struggling with, but I will never really know, although I have suspicions ......he recently said to me " you cannot love someone else unless you love yourself".

Marriage has it's ups and downs. Several of us here have said that they never "fought" or really argued...having grown up in a family where yelling was the norm, I found it peaceful that we seemed so in tune with one another that we could figure out things without an argument...very grown up I thought. But I was wrong about that.

Flummoxed "I can’t speak to whether it’s necessary to imagine the MLCer in that light to move on- I’m still treading water myself. But I think it helps to accept the current reality and shift the perspective back to ourselves. I think that’s the thing that helps us move forward the most- shift the eyes and mind to focus back on our own lives. How can we improve our day a bit? When was the last time I met up with so-and-so? When was the last time I wore fun makeup just for me? When was the last time I bought flowers just because? Little treats, new experiences, fresh air and perspective- I think these help more to move forward than anything tied to the MLCer. Much like they’ve shifted their focus to self, that’s what will likely benefit us as well. And knowing that the future will be bright- that wondrous times are ahead, with or without this individual is also key."

It's a new normal, to do things that we once did together, travel, go to the movies, attend family celebrations...I still find Sunday mornings difficult as we went to church, had a nice breakfast, watched football..but...little by little we find things that bring us moments of happiness...the dreaded word "time"is the key...we keep moving forward...there is no way to predict how long that takes..it's very individual and depends several things.....the biggest help for me occurred 8 years after BD when I found a therapist that worked with me to resolve the trauma.....

Glad you are able to express how you feel....we are all able to relate and you have friends here to help you along your journey.

[amazinglove]

What an absolute blessing this group is! I am completely blown away by the great wisdom in here. You people are amazing. Thank you so much those of you who replied - they were each one of them, so incredibly insightful and really soothing to me.

It helps to hear what you've learned along the way. It helps to hear what conclusions you've come to. It helps to know that I am not insane. It helps to know that I am not alone. It helps to hear what you yourself struggled with, or are still grappling with. It helps to hear about your children's experiences. It all helps.

I am so sick today with Covid but this has been such great medicine for my soul. Thank you!

[Flummoxed]

💗💗 sending much love, amazinglove! I completely agree- what an asset this forum is! We are here to be chat it out any time- we all go through our ups and downs but there’s growth in the journey and that’s something we can absolutely be thankful for.

I came across a little post this morning comparing a new venture or transition to a new plant growing from seed. It will take time, and we shouldn’t dig into the soil to measure its progress. Rather, it’s all about managing what is within our control and then having faith that a little seedling will grow at its own pace. The foundational roots grow far earlier than the stalk or the leaves; progress is often not externally obvious until quite late in the game. I mean this in a very general sense, of course.

Wishing you a very speedy recovery!

[Reinventing]

We were not privy to their dark side until the crisis hit....the therapist we saw together twice nailed it..he told my husband it was time for him to get in touch with his dark side. I was devastated by that as I thought we were seeing a therapist to help us solve whatever the problem was in our marriage...

Xyzcf, just want to say that hearing this at a therapy session close to BD would have been like someone sitting and peeling off my skin. No matter what the therapist was seeing, saying that in front of you caused huge suffering for you. And what person on this earth wouldn't be able to grasp that, especially with your long marriage, kids, etc?

I get that you are relaying this story in a different context, but as a LBS, I just have to point out how hurtful that was.

[xyzcf]

Reinventing and all you lovely people:

Xyzcf, just want to say that hearing this at a therapy session close to BD would have been like someone sitting and peeling off my skin. No matter what the therapist was seeing, saying that in front of you caused huge suffering for you. And what person on this earth wouldn't be able to grasp that, especially with your long marriage, kids, etc?

Thank you.  As you know, those words can never be erased from my memory. This "therapy" session occured perhaps 3 to 4 weeks after BD.

We are here for one another, and the kindness shown by others really impacts us...even many years later.

[amazinglove]

You know, we try to make sense of the impossible on here sometimes and I noticed something today that is consistent with what some of you have described and wanted to share.
Today on the phone I told my stbx that at this time of year  I miss him and I love him. Sorry to have to report this bc I was showing so much strength but yes I did. I was even teary! Gaaaah.  But i was weakened from Covid and a few other really challenging and extenuating factors((.
i have all the divorce settlement paperwork to fill out on my desk - it’s brutal- and im seriously contemplating a home purchase on my own in another state - have that paperwork too on my desk!))  Anyway the point is this: he said I miss and love you too. I think about you a lot. After all this time I could not kill my love for you. It’s still there.” (Bear in mind English is not his first language and for some reason he’s reverted to speaking worse and more broken English, just like when he was younger! Also  strange) but then he named some things he’s been thinking about me and what he’s been missing. Here’s what’s crazy- all the stuff he said is recent and unimportant stuff (watching Yellowstone together), nothing of the past 15 years where we RAISED HUMANS together. The stuff I am missing goes back more than a decade of Christmas memories, and family togetherness, bringing our newborn son home from hospital a few days before Xmas etc etc. I am missing the man I knew and loved who no longer exists but did for a long time- but it’s like he has NO ACCESS to those memories!! His memories are only from since BD last year and they are superficial ones at that. It was so crazy to me that when he was admitting his own sentimentality it was not connected at all to our long and lovely history. It was only recent moments.
I really am starting to believe that he can not access the past. He literally cannot remember, or feel, or live with those memories in the present at all.
How is this not a mental disorder??

[KayDee]

I really am starting to believe that he can not access the past. He literally cannot remember, or feel, or live with those memories in the present at all.
How is this not a mental disorder??

My interpretation is that these deeper memories are too unbearable, too painful. He can't 'go there'. The way he is now, his thinking skims the surface layer. If (when?) the thin ice of his life cracks, and a big ol hole takes him - that's when he will fall into the dark depths. This ability to compartmentalize - actually, I think disassociate is more accurate - I think it is a common trait of a lot of our spouses. It's often learned early in life, to deal with difficult things.

[xyzcf]

Today on the phone I told my stbx that at this time of year  I miss him and I love him. Sorry to have to report this bc I was showing so much strength but yes I did. I was even teary!

There is nothing to be sorry about. Can we turn off love for someone because we tell ourselves to? I don't think so. Nor is it necessary for healing to occur. Don't beat yourself up about being "strong" when it comes to your feelings towards him, they are normal and you can embrace them because they are real feelings.

Remember, this is not about you or your marriage. It is not about his not loving you. We tend to look rationally at what they have done and assume that they do not love and some even tell us that..often saying they have not loved us for 5, 10, 15 years...but if we examine those years as you are, by looking back at pictures and the things said and done...we can see that this was not the case.

How is this not a mental disorder??

Although not identified in the DSM-5....many here would agree that the collapse of their being, the running away, addictions, dissociation, blowing up their lives, drastic changes in moral values, walking away not just from us but also from their children would suggest that this is a "mental disorder".....and the more you see them and the world they are  living in, the more you start to see the cracks and the extreme disorder in their lives.

I have always thought, just because he unfortunately had a crisis, doesn't mean that I shut off the love I have for him. It's not like a tap that can just be turned off... and since I am comfortable with that, it frees me from the what I think others think I "should" do or feel.

You are not judged here amazing and you are free to express what you feel....sharing your thoughts and feelings, getting it out can help in our own inner world of trying to make sense out of something that makes absolutely no sense.

[MadLuv]

Sometimes it is hard not to share your feelings, so you do. I don’t think it matters to much as long it is jot over the top and pressuring. On your stbx only discussing the since BD. That is also common. My now XH after BD would tell me when he was sometimes doing things he would think, madluv would like this, but could jot handle going into the past. That is that compartmented thinking to survive for them.

[amazinglove]

Thanks for all of those wonderful and wise replies! Wishing you all a wonderful Christmas and Happy New Year!