[forthetrees]

In the future can you take a photo or short video of the kids and say you´ll send it to their Dad? That protects them as well from possibly seeing his ow and feeling short-changed. It also preempts them from encountering a reaction that they were not expecting from their Dad. AND it protects you from any direct communication with him. If you don´t show up to the game, maybe all you´re entitled to are the highlight reels? Also, by just sending clips, it´s in his face as to what he has chosen to miss out on. When it´s a live interaction he can fool himself into thinking he´s actually parenting. I would only send a video or photo if your kids request it.

I agree with Treasure that the MLCer ho-hum attitude towards abandoning the family is not normal whereas your pain is normal. You have done the rational thing in response to your pain- divorce, financial decision to move, etc. You will reach the not my circus, not my monkeys level of detachment but it does take a good long while.

[Trustandlove]

amazing, it took me 10 years to make the decision not to contact him for any reason, not even if one of the kids ended up in the hospital.  Until that time I had still tried to at least get him to be a parent, but finally had to admit defeat, and realise that keeping on trying to do that was hurting me more than helping.

If he wasn't going to be a parent he wasn't going to be a parent. 

And even then it took ages for those feelings of shock and betrayal to die down and it's been years since that decision.  And even now when he does something that hurts one of the kids it comes back up.  But at least it's not as sharp, and it dies down quickly.  I don't think it can ever fully disappear if we have children, it's so hard to be completely indifferent for that reason. 

So whatever you are feeling is more than normal, for the record I think you are doing absolutely brilliantly.  As a matter of fact I think it would be odd if you didn't feel those things.  I still, after so much time, just don't get how this is all possible, even if I absolutely don't what the person that he is right now and I have built a good life. But, as someone here said, that person is walking around in the body of the man I married.  Although he hasn't taken care of that body as far as I can tell....

[amazinglove]

Today I found out my stbx is skipping his grandmother's funeral. This is the woman he called 'mom' for the first 5 years of his life, who raised him when his own mom lived overseas, and the one he told me since we met 15 years ago that no matter what country we were living in, he would fly back to his home country for her funeral. Now, he is there, in country, and skipped out of town with his lover somewhere instead of going with the rest of his siblings and to support his own mom.

And now I have a confession to make.

As disappointed in him as I was to hear he was not joining them, I was also relieved.

here's why - Lately I have been feeling devastated about the ways I see him moving away from the kids. He's relinquishing his role as a dad, like entirely. Stupid things like he changed his What'sApp ID photo to his own initial /logo instead of their photos, to fewer and fewer check ins or interest in them, to stretching out the date of his next visit to literally be here the day before our daughter's bday and graduation. It's a v short turn around flight for him this way- 6 days to come all that way - but it gives him another month to do his own thing away from them. Despite my son's (8 years old) pleaded, begging voice notes to him, daddy please come - It will be more than 3 months since he's seen or really talked to his kids. And he's fine with that. The difference is, now, nearly 2 years in, he no longer pretends to (or actually) really misses them. I am grieving this. I am really, really grieving this even more than I did the end of my marriage. I can't articulate why this hurts more, but it does.

So what I feel relieved about today is that this behaviour, this selfish, narcissistic, utterly despicable behaviour is affecting his FOO too. The ones who created him, and the ones who are enabling him now. And it's not just us, me and the kids. He's an absolute s*** to everyone! I also know that the guy I met 15 years ago would never not have shown up for his grandmother, or mom - and it just reinforces for me that I was not crazy to marry him, believe in him - and this is not just that he fell out of love with me, or that our marriage wasn't as good as I thought it was, or somehow I 'lost' my husband - that this is a totally diff guy.

It helps, weirdly.

He was gardening over there and and a terrible accident with a chainsaw a few weeks back and nearly severed his hand. He is the opposite of careless or clumsy and he has never had any kind of accident like this before. It is serious and he wil prob never have full function of his hand (his right hand) the same way again. It is healing now and the cast is off - but it was jarring to everyone, including him. I really hoped this awful experience might ground him a bit, remind him of what matters, stop running for a minute and take stock of his life - anything - if it would lead to an improvement of his character. I want him to live a decent, honest life his kids can be ok with, and I can find some bit of respect for him to build any kind of friendship or relationship as co-parents on - and it looked like it did at first, I had lots of humble and nice messages, but that's done now and no, it appears anything like that was short lived. He is who he is.

None of us know if these people ever get any better than this. Some seem to 'come out of it' better than before - at least you read those stories occasionally, I don't know if I will ever NOT hope that he is not this horror of a human for the rest of his life. I don't want to see my daughter or son's hurt and disappointment in who their father is, forever. I don't want to forever get my own hopes up that he is becoming a more decent man to have them dashed again and again.

I heard Oprah say something about this week on an IG reel- she said "Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different, it's accepting the past for what it was, and using this moment and this time to help yourself move forward." I liked that. I felt that in my spirit. I am ruminating on that these days. Of course the past could have been different, but maybe this shocking outcome was coming no matter how great a wife and partner I was. I feel like I need to forgive myself for choosing him as the father of my kids - this selfish immoral creep! - and I need to forgive myself for not being able to stop this tsumani - and about him, I need to let go of anger and bitterness and just accept that it is what it is. I really need to work on detachment! He has way too much mindshare.

[forthetrees]

I´d like to think that some day a person with a following like Brenee Brown will do the research and show that dating conflict avoidant people has a high propensity to result in a MLC spouse years down the road. Maybe there will be a screening/questionaire that couples could take and avoid a lot of potential pain. The next question would be whether or not these folks can learn the tools to not be conflict avoidant. For sure there´s a PhD, a book, a podcast and a lecture career to be had.

[xyzcf]

The difference is, now, nearly 2 years in, he no longer pretends to (or actually) really misses them. I am grieving this. I am really, really grieving this even more than I did the end of my marriage. I can't articulate why this hurts more, but it does.

So what I feel relieved about today is that this behaviour, this selfish, narcissistic, utterly despicable behaviour is affecting his FOO too. The ones who created him, and the ones who are enabling him now. And it's not just us, me and the kids. He's an absolute s*** to everyone! I also know that the guy I met 15 years ago would never not have shown up for his grandmother, or mom - and it just reinforces for me that I was not crazy to marry him, believe in him - and this is not just that he fell out of love with me, or that our marriage wasn't as good as I thought it was, or somehow I 'lost' my husband - that this is a totally diff guy.

It helps, weirdly.

His distancing himself more and more is very typical. The pain they cause our children hurts us deeply. It's another pattern of the crisis that shows us how this is not about us and not about our marriages.

Now you are seeing how he is distancing himself from other family members as well. Again, really typical of their crisis.

It has been helpful to me to see MLC as a "dis-ease" for their actions are so bizarre and abnormal. I see couples who divorce that work hard to make sure that they remain parents to their children, sharing custody, making sure the bonds remain intact. I seldom see MLC parents having healthy relationships with their kids..indeed, many many times, they have no relationship at all with their children.

We are blindsided...for we would never do this...it's impossible for us to understand because we are not the ones having a crisis...and the confusion that this causes, until we finally realize...this person is not the same person that we were married to, built a life with and loved for so long. As you said, it is a totally different guy.

Letting go of the image we had of them, unwinding all those memories takes time..bit by bit, the connection lessens and we rebuild a different life for ourselves. They seem to continue to be "lost souls", even years later.

This may be an important break through for you. You will grieve for what is lost, but your eyes are open to the reality..this was never about you.

((((HUGS)))))

[FrenchHuman]

Of course the past could have been different, but maybe this shocking outcome was coming no matter how great a wife and partner I was. I feel like I need to forgive myself for choosing him as the father of my kids - this selfish immoral creep! - and I need to forgive myself for not being able to stop this tsumani - and about him, I need to let go of anger and bitterness and just accept that it is what it is. I really need to work on detachment! He has way too much mindshare.

Hi amazinglove, it is good to see that your detachment is increasing. Regarding your statement about how great a partner you were, I have reached the conclusion that we LBS were great partners and, even if it is a bit hard to swallow, because we were great partners our spouses were safe enough with us to enter an existential crisis. Obviously this is not a consolation, but at least it helps us to understand that we are not responsible of the MLC, we are not the cause.

[amazinglove]

Thank you all for the wonderful, thoughtful and encouraging replies. I really do value each and every one.

Yesterday was Mother's Day. It was a perfect day really. Everyone was in a great mood, kids did not argue, my mom and i took them to church and then out to lunch, kids had a swim in the afternoon while i lay outside enjoying the gentle breeze and the palm trees (for one of the last times!), and my daughter, my mom and I are doing a marathon of an Acorn mystery show called Harry Wild, while my son played on his VR headset. It was great. Both kids had written me something - which was what I asked for - and they were both really moving. My 8 year old boy had done a Mother's Day project at school - I love my mom because, and then he would fill in the blank. The one that said "I know my mom loves me because..." he wrote 'because she is staying with me." I mean.....

I did speak to my RRstbx (really really SOON to be ex - divorce is final in 2 days!!) and told him that I don't care if he remembers my bday but I do care that he recognizes mother's day because it is the one thing we will always share. He is in Russia with the Moscow Mule and his main focus was that I had not replied when he told me he had lost the use of 3 of his fingers on his right hand from his accident - and he was really put out that I did not seem to care. Again, entirely about him. He looked awful. Unkempt, blood shot eyes, scruffy, miserable - that part was good to see. I have an image of this MLC spouses flying around having a blast and seeing how desperately miserable he is, actually made me feel better. I feel some compassion for him, but not that much. I told him I did care about his hand and I will always care what happens to him, very much, and.I do not want him to have pain, and he visibly relaxed.

I realized in bed this am, he is still wanting me to 'make everything ok'. Reassure him that I will still talk to him (i have been mostly no contact for the past month), I still smile at him, I still care about him, that's what he is really looking for - he texted me after the call 'THANK YOU!" I need to figure out how to talk to him - we did need to talk about the specifics of the kids' summer plans ydy - and be kind but also NOT play that role anymore because the truth is, nothing will ever be ok for him again. I will never look at him or love him the same way, I will not see him as a good person the way I once did, and neither will our children. When Sept 19th comes, it will have been 2 years that he's really only visited them briefly in their lives. Two years he's missed in their lives he will never get back. He is losing a lot more than the use of 3 fingers!

I also believe I am better off without him. Seeing that miserable mess, I'm glad he's so far away. I do not want that here on my sofa. I felt really happy last night in bed, laughing at something and playing a game I like. I dont have any big realization to share other than, I can make myself happy!

He arrives in 3 weeks to collect the kids and take them to Antalya for a week with his parents while I go to Tenn and sort out logistics. We haven't sold the house yet - the market is so stagnant - and that's stressful, but it's taking 66 days on average here, so I'm trying to stay patient ab it and remain calm. The new house is being built and it's v exciting to see! It fills me with JOY! I will meet kids and him at our annual family resort for 2 weeks (i'm bringing my sister and also our nephew) and my kids are v excited. They asked to have dad there and I agreed bc it's during 'his' time with them and in his country and he is not in my room. Then I will take them to London on their own to see our friends there and then back here. I am so ready for a vacation! I feel so diff than I did last year at this time!

[KayDee]

He is in Russia with the Moscow Mule and his main focus was that I had not replied when he told me he had lost the use of 3 of his fingers on his right hand from his accident - and he was really put out that I did not seem to care. Again, entirely about him.

They really do regress age-wise. He's like a teenage boy who run away from home but still wants everyone to be wringing their hands over his whereabouts. Did he care about the searing pain he left you and the kids in when he skipped off with The MM?  He may have said words, but his actions said no. And this pain and damage we endure, I guarantee it is worse, in terms of psychological trauma, than a finger accident. His fingers? One for each of the people he has hurt maybe.

I also believe I am better off without him. Seeing that miserable mess, I'm glad he's so far away. I do not want that here on my sofa. I felt really happy last night in bed, laughing at something and playing a game I like. I dont have any big realization to share other than, I can make myself happy!

I had this moment too. I found myself singing while driving. I thought 'yes! pay attention to that KD' - I felt pretty happy and while I am often sad about what happened to my marriage, and I do miss my stbxH, I am actually happy. I wanted him in my life, but I don't need him.

[MadLuv]

Amazinglove  so many of your feelings I can relate and have felt and I think as long as their our kids adult or children and grandchildren they are the xo stant reminder aren’t they. That they deserved better. Some how we can “suck it up” and  move forward and function through it , but we are always reminded that their parent is doing this and WE PICKED THAT PARENt!!! So of course we add a gallop of guilt on to our pile as the empaths we are. You are doing great!! Keep working through all the feels…. It’s so good that we feel. It reminds us we are alive!!

[amazinglove]

Thank you MadLuv and KayDee!
So grateful for the responses! Read them many times and they always helped!