[TheShore]

…I never initiated contact. And I dropped the proverbial rope completely. It was / is really hard.  I know it is different when you have kids, but at the same time, you have a strong motivation to be your best self for them. They will need a steady force in the coming years.

Thanks for feedback, appreciated.  I really gotta stick to this part and I really have been as of the last 2+ months.  I have the urge to but I usually catch myself.  Unless it’s kid related, I’m not initiating, nor am I extending the texting with other happenings.  We used to be that couple that used to text each other throughout the day when I was at work, with memes, random stuff, weekend ideas, etc…

Also, other big traumas that have effected her - 4 deaths during Covid:
- My mom (cancer AML)
- Her best friend (suicide)
- Her 1st uncle (Covid)
- Her other uncle (heart, didn’t take care of himself)

I have come to believe that whatever relationship she was in now, this would of happened to anyone she was with.  No matter how good or bad.

Got the 1st EIC on 7/15, email received today.  A punch to the gut but I can take it.

As I sit here with the kiddoz, this is the 2nd Monday in a row that she hasn’t come home yet on time after work.  She works till 5PM and it’s 7:03PM.  I don’t let it bother me but I notice.

Later all, I’ll be watching the thread.

[Baxter1]

If any good can come out of this it’s that you are spending time with the kids. Due to her escaping and avoiding, I got to spend a lot of more time with the kids, and it brought us a lot closer. She would leave her days at a time, leave me more quality time with the kids .she filed 3/24, were still in the midst of it but I feel that she is second guessing her decision. Time will tell what happens.

 As for going with her to the 4th id say go with your gut, don’t think there’s a wrong answer, whatever feels right for you is the way to go.

Good luck!

[Biscuit]

I totally agree with Kaydee, whatever you do will have little, if any bearing on your W, particularly in this very early time in her crisis. So do what's best for you right now. Honestly, if she finds her way out of this funk she'll probably not remember many details of the whens and wheres of these early days.
So, if you think you'll enjoy some time away with the kids then go along, but not because you think being a good, kind husband  and father will have any bearing on what she does next - it won't - but because you want to spend time with your kids and in laws.
Like XY I have continued to spend a great deal of time with my W and kids, and for the best part I actually really enjoy it, our kids have said they like us all being together and my W has (on occasion!) expressed that she has enjoyed it too.
You're very early on in this marathon though, just do what you feel works for you - maybe have an escape plan if being around W and her family gets too much - take 2 cars or travel a day later or something maybe?

There are so many much wiser people on here than me though, I just do what works for me at any given time, take advice from folks on here that seems to be appropriate but generally just wing it when faced with a challenging situation. If it doesn't feel right or work I don't do it again! There are no right answers because all of our loved ones that are in crisis are as different as anyone else you meet in life so what works for one of us probably won't work for you or anyone else.... that took me a long time to realise. Protect your finances, your heart and be the best dad you can possibly be for your kids - thats pretty much all you can do right now.. MLC is a totally dog$h!te situation but everyone here who has been in your shoes has made it through, and you will too!

B x

[TheShore]

...You're very early on in this marathon though, just do what you feel works for you - maybe have an escape plan if being around W and her family gets too much - take 2 cars or travel a day later or something maybe?...

OMG - you must of read my mind.  After more feedback and thinking, my plan now is to drive separately and stay for 1 day

[TheShore]

...You're very early on in this marathon though, just do what you feel works for you - maybe have an escape plan if being around W and her family gets too much - take 2 cars or travel a day later or something maybe?...

OMG - you must of read my mind.  After more feedback and thinking, my plan now is to drive separately and stay for 1 day

Welp… I’ve changed my decision and it’s probably best that I don’t go.  I’ll miss the kiddoz but they FaceTime me all the time and I already have a trip with them planned later this month (my b-day weekend is coming up too!)

I got some projects around the house that will keep me busy… plus I can put the Blackstone to good use.

Later all

[forthetrees]

It´s likely you spared yourself walking around with a knot in your stomach.

[TheShore]

It´s likely you spared yourself walking around with a knot in your stomach.

Sounds like another good reason
I think someone might of said it above, but no one on the other side knows my half of the story… plus I don’t plan or want to tell for good reason imo.  Would of been very awkward.

[TheShore]

Hey all,

On topic / off topic question, not sure if I should post here or in another thread…

Anyways, I’ll ask here: I know you are supposed to let the MLCers solve their own problems, but where do you draw the line?  Do you do their laundry?  Pick up/clean up their room because they can’t even do that atm (I don’t want our kids hanging out in a mess)?  Ask them if they want dinner?  Help them move out?  Help them with the divorce?

I have an idea, but would like to hear what y’all have to say.

Thanks in advance.

[Biscuit]

Norianxx,

You are not the MLCers parent. They are an adult. If your adult child - I'm not talking 18 years old, but 40 years old or so , came to stay at your house for a while would you do that for them? Hell no. You'd expect them to pull their weight. You might cook a meal, but you'd probably expect them to do the dishes afterwards - or at least offer to.
If she's not contributing to the household chores then I'd be inclined to do pretty much nothing for them that they can't do themselves. I dunno, I haven't got an at home MLCer, but if I did, and their room was a mess I'd shut the door as I walked past so I don't have to look at iit - like a teenager, and let them wash their own clothes and cook and clean up after themselves, unless there was a planned family dinner or something,
If you don't want a divorce let them sort it out, in life if people really want something then it's up to them to do  the hard work and get it sorted.

Put your focus on you, and your kids. It's really hard in the beginning to get that, as you're used to being a we, but the rules have changed, and so has the game. If she asks for help and you feel like it's appropriate to give it then do so, but I'd err on the side of letting her do a bit of the heavy lifting herself. But I think you kind of know that given how you worded your question.

[Treasur]

Tbh I think this is a sort of unthreading process that most of us go through. The questions start as a sort of ‘what do I do with an MLCer’ and imho evolve into often more useful questions about our own priorities and how we want to go about our lives given the situation as we find it. As we do, we tend to trip over both the limits of what we can control and a few hills we are prepared to die on metaphorically speaking.

Again jmo, but one of the first realisations is often that what we see as a ‘problem’ is not how our ex/spouse sees it. Which then I think pushes us back towards considering, as honestly as we can, why something is a ‘problem’ for us and how important it really is. Even sometimes if the ‘problem’ is not really the problem but something more representative of something bigger or a trigger for other feelings or fears or a kind of unspoken bargain of the ‘if I do this/get them to do that, then x will happen’.

It’s a kind of triaging process really. You find yourself Here, probably a place you never imagined you would be, a life equivalent of being on a sled surrounded by wolves and your brain is trying to work out if you need to shoot them or run faster. And if the small wolf closest to ypur sled is a bigger threat than the larger wolf behind it. 😝

So I’d encourage you to reflect on that….and as other say, only through the lens of thinking about you and your kids…
Why does something matter? How much does it matter? Does it belong to you? Can you control it? What are your priorities? Short term vs longer term? If you are using energy to do x, what y things will you not have time and energy to do? Name and order your wolves essentially 😜

But it probably starts with seeing yourself and your kids as being the main passengers on your sled right now, and your ex/spouse as being in charge of both their own sled and their own wolves bc that is what separation and divorce essentially means, isn’t it?